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sometimes splenetic and heavy, then gay and mistook you, upon my word : You are one of frolicsome. And how d’ye like the humour ? the travelling gentlemen—and pray, sir, how do
Dur. Good madam, let me sit down to answer all our impudent friends in Italy ? you, for I am heartily tired.
Dur. Madam, I came to wait on you with a Bis. Fy upon't! a young man, and tired! up, more serious intention than your entertainment for shame, and walk about, action becomes us- has answered. a little faster, sir-What d'ye think now of my Bis. Sir, your intention of waiting on me was lady La Pal, and lady Coquet, the duke's fair the greatest affront imaginable, howe'er your exdaughter? Ha! Are they not brisk lasses? Then, pressions may turn it to a compliment: Your there is black Mrs Bellair, and brown Mrs visit, sir, was intended as a prologue to a very Bellface.
scurvy play, of which Mr Mirabell and you so Dur. They are all strangers to me, madam. handsomely laid the plot.—Marry! No, no, I'ın
Bis. But let me tell you, sir, that brown is a man of more honour. Where's your honour? not always despicable—–0 lard, sir, if young Mrs Where's your courage now? Ads my life, sir, I Bagatell had kept herself single 'till this tiine o' have a great mind to kick you.—Go, go to your day, what a beauty there had been ! And then, fellow-rake now; rail at my sex, and get drunk for you know, the charming Mrs Monkeylove, thé vexation, and write a lampoon-But I must have fair gem of St Germains,
you to know, sir, that my reputation is above the Dur. Upon my soul, I don't.
scandal of a libel; my virtue is sufficiently apBis. And then you must have heard of the proved to those, whose opinion is my interest : English beau, Spleenamore, how unlike a gentle- And, for the rest, let them talk what they will;
for when I please I'll be what I please, in spite Dur. Hey-not a syllable on't, as I hope to and all mankind; and so, my dear man of be saved, madam.
honour, il you be tired, con over this lesson, and Bis. No! Why, then, play me a jig. Come, sit there till I come to you. [Runs off. sir.
Dur. Tum ti dum. [Sings] Ha, ha, ha! Ads Dur. By this light I cannot; faith, madam, I my life, I have a great mind to kick you! have sprained my ley;
Dons and confusion! (Starts up] Was ever man Bis. Then sit you down, sir; and now tell me so abused ?--Ay, Mirabell set me on, what's your business with me? What's your errand? Quick, quick, dispatch-Odso, may be
Enter Petit. some gentleman's servant, that has brought me a letter, or a haunch of venison. Pet. Well, sir, how d’ye find yourself?
Dur. 'Sdeath, madam, do I look like a car- Dur. You son of a nine-ey'd whore, d’ye come rier?
to abuse me? I'll kick you with a vengeance, you Bis. O, cry you mercy! I saw you just now; 1 | dog! [Petit runs off, and Dur. after him.
Bob, dear Bob, prithee come hither now--Dost
want any money, child ? Enter Old and YOUNG MIRABELL.
Mir. No, sir.
Old Mir. Why, then, here's some for thee; Old Mir. Bob, come hither, Bob.
come here, now- -How can'st thou be so hardMir. Your pleasure, sir ?
hearted, an unnatural, unmannerly rascal (don't Old Mir. Are not you a great rogue, sirrah? mistake me, child, I an't angry) as to abuse this
Mir. That's a little out of my comprehension, tender, lovely, good-natured dear rogue ? sir; for I've heard say, that I resemble my Why, she sighs for thee, and cries for thee, pouts father.
for thee, and snubs for thee; the poor little heart Old Mir. Your father is your very humble of it is like to burst Come, my dear boy, be slave- I tell thee what, child, thou art a very good-natured like your own father, be now-and pretty fellow, and I love thee heartily; and a then, see here, read this—the effigies of the lovely very great villain, and I hate thee mortally. Oriana, with ten thousand pound to her portion
Mir. Villain, sir! Then, I must be a very -ten thousand pound, you dog; ten thousand impudent one, for I can't recollect any passage pound, you rogue; how dare you refuse a lady of my life, that I'm ashamed of.
with ten thousand pound, you impudent rascal oid Alir. Come hither, my dear friend; dost Mir. Will you hear me speak, sir? see this picture? (Shews him a little picture. Old Mir. Hear you speak, sir! If you had Mir. Oriana's! Pshaw !
ten thousand tongnes, you could not out-talk ten Old Mir. What, sir, won't you look upon't ?- thousand pound, sir.
Mir. Nay, sir, if you won't hear me, I'll be Old Mir. 'Tis false, sir, he don't deserve it: gone, sir! i'll take post for Italy this moment. what have you to say against my boy, sir?
Old Mir. Ah! the fellow knows I won't part Dug. I shall only repeat your own words. with him. Well, sir, what have you to say? Old Mir. What have you to do with my words?
Mir. The universal reception, sir, that mar- have swallowed my words already ; I have riage has had in the world, is enough to fix it for eaten them up, and how can you come at them, a public good, and to draw every body into the sir? cominon cause; but there are some constitutions, Dug. Very easily, sir: 'Tis but mentioning like some instruments, so peculiarly singular, that your injured ward, and you will throw thein up they make tolerable music by themselves, but again immediately. never do well in a concert.
Old Mir. Sir, your sister was a foolish young Old Mir. Why, this is reason, I must confess, Airt to trust any such young, deceitful, rake but yet it is nonsense, too; for, though you helly rogue, like him. should reason like an angel, if you argue your- Dug. Cry you mercy, old gentleman! I thought self out of a good estate, you talk like a fool. we should have the words again.
Mir. But, sir, if you bribe me into bondage Old Mlir. And what then? 'Tis the way with with the riches of Crosus, you leave me but a young fellows to slight old gentlemen's words ; beggar for want of my liberty.
you never mind them, when you ought.--I Old Mir, Was ever such a perverse fool heard? say, that Bob's an honest fellow, and who dares 'Sdeath, sir, why did I give you education was deny it? it to dispute me out of my senses? Of what colour now is the head of this cane ? You'll
Enter BISARRE. 'tis
say white, and ten to one make me believe it, tvo- Bis. That dare I, sir :--I say, that your son is a I thought that young fellows studied to get money. wild, foppish, whimsical, impertinent coxcomb;
Mir. No, sir, I have studied to despise it; and, were I abused as this gentleman's sister is, my reading was not to make me rich, but happy, would make it an Italian quarrel, and poison sir.
the whole family. Old Mir. There he has me again, now! But, Dug. Come, sir, 'tis no time for trilling; my sir, did not I marry to oblige you?
sister is abused; you are made sensible of the Mir. To oblige me, sir! in what respect, affront, and your honour is concerned to see her
redressed. Old Mir. Why, to bring you into the world, Old Mir. Look'e, Mr Dugard, good words go sir; was not that an obligation ?
farthest. I will do your sister justice, but Mir. And, because I would have it still an ob- be atter my own rate; nobody must abuse my ligation, I avoid marriage.
son but myself. For, although Robin be a sad Old Mir. Ilow is that, sir?
dog, yet he's nobody's puppy but my own. Mir. Because I would not curse the hour I Bis. Ay, that's iny sweet-natured, kind, old was born.
gentleman-[Il'heedling him.) We will be good, Old Mir. Look'e, friend, you may persuade then, if you'll join with us in the plot. me out of my designs, but I'il command you out Old Nir. Äh, you coaxing young baggage, of yours; and though you may convince my rea- what plot can you have to wheedle a fellow of son that you are in the right, yet there is an sixty-three? old attendant of sixty-three, called positiveness, Bis. A plot that sixty-three is only good for; which you, nor all the wits in Italy, shall ever be to bring other people together, sir; a Spanish able to shake : so, sir, you're a wit, and I'm a fa- plot, less dangerous than that of eighty-eight, and ther; you may talk, but I'll be obeyed.
you must act the Spaniard 'cause your son will Mir. This it is to have the son a tiner gentle- least suspect you ; and, if he should, your authoman than the father ! they first give us breeding rity protects you from a quarrel, to which Orianæ that they don't understand, then they turn us out is unwilling to expose her brother. of doors because we are wiser than themselves. Old Mir. And what part will you act in the But I'm a little aforehand with the old gentleman. business, madam? [Aside.] Sir, you have been pleased to settle a Bis. Myself, sir; my friend is grown a perthousand pound sterling a-year upon me; in re- fect changeling : these foolislı hearts of ours spoil turn of which, I have a very great honour for you our heads presently; the fellows no sooner turn and your family, and shall take care, that your knaves, but we turn fools : But I am still myonly, and beloved son, shall do nothing to make self, and he may expect the most severe usage Joini hate his father, or to hang himselt. So, dear from me, 'cause I neither love him, nor hate him. sir, I'm your very humble servant. Runs
[Erit Bis. Old Mir. Well said, Mrs Paradox! but, sir,
who must open the matter to him? Enter Dugard.
Dug. Petit, sir, who is our engineer-general, Dug. Ah, sir, 'tis but what he deserves. And here he comes. Vol. IL
Bis. Come, sir, to let you see what little foun
dation you have for your dear sufficiency, I'll take Enter Petit.
you to pieces. Pet. O sir, more discoveries; are all friends Mir. And what piece will you chuse? about us?
Bis. Your heart, to be sure; because I should Dug. Ay, ay, speak freely.
get presently rid on't; your courage I would give Pet. You must know, sir—-odd's my life, I'm to a hector, your wit to a lewd play-maker, your out of breath; you must know, sir--you must honour to an attorney, your body to the physiknow
cians, and your soul to its master. Old Mir. What the devil must we know, sir? Mir. I had the oddest dream last night of the
Pet. That I have (Pants and blows.] bribed, dutchess of Burgundy; methought the furbelows sir, bribed-your son's secretary of state. of her gown were pinned up so high behind, that
Old Mir. Secretary of state -who's that, for I could not see her head for her tail. Heaven's sake?
Bis. The creature don't mind me! do you Pet. His valet-de-chambre, sir. You must think, sir, that your humorous impertinence can know, sir, that the intrigue lay folded up with divert me? No, sir, I'm above any pleasure that his master's clothes, and when he went to dust you can give, but that of seeing you miserable. the embroidered suit, the secret flew out of the And mark me, sir, my friend, my injured friend, right pocket of his coat, in a whole swarm of shall yet be doubly happy, and you shall be a husyour crambo songs, short-footed odes, and long- band as much as the rites of marriage, and the legged pindarics.
breach of them, can make you. Old Mir. Impossible !
[Here MIRABELL pulls out a Virgil, and Pet. Ah, sir, he has loved her all along; there
reads to himself while she speaks.) was Oriana in every line-but he hates marriage: Mir. (Reading.] At regina dolos, (quis fallere Now, sir, this plot will stir up his jealousy, and possit amantem ?) we shall know, by the strength of that, how to pro- Dissimulare etiam sperásti, perfide tantum ceed farther.
[Very true.) Posse nefas. Come, sir, lets about it with speed,
By your favour, friend Virgil, 'twas but a ras'Tis expedition gives our king the sway; cally trick of your hero to forsake poor pug so For expedition to the French give way; inhumanly. Swift to attack, or swift-to run away.
Bis. I don't know what to say to him. The [Exeunt. devil-what's Virgil to us, sir?
Mir. Very much, madam, the most apropos Enter MIRABELL and BISArre, passing care in the world—for, what should I chop upon, but lessly by one another.
the very place, where the perjured rogue of a lo
ver and the forsaken lady are battling it tooth Bis. [Aside.) I wonder what she can see in and nail ? Come, madam, spend your spirits no this fellow to like him?
longer; we'll take an easier method : I'll be EneMir. (Aside.) I wonder what my friend can as now, and you shall be Dido, and we'll rail by See in this girl to admire her?
book. Now for you, madam Dido. Bis. [Aside.] A wild, foppish, extravagant Nec te noster amor, nec te data dextera quonrake-hell.
dam, Mir. [Aside.] A light, whimsical, impertinent Nec moritura tenet crudeli funere Dido mad-cap.
Ah, poor Dido!
(Looking at her. Bis. Whom do you mean, sir?
Bis. Rudeness, affronts, impatience! I could Mir. Whom do you mean, madam?
almost start out even to manhood, and want but Bis. A fellow, that has nothing left to re-esta
a weapon as long as his to fight him upon the blish him for a human creature, but a prudent re- spot. What shall I say? solution to hang himself.
Mir. Now she rants. Mir. There is a way, madam, to force me to Qua quibus anteferam ? jam jam nec maxima that resolution.
Juno. Bis. I'll do it with all my heart.
Bis. A man! No, the woman's birth was spiMir. Then, you must marry me.
rited away. Bis. Look'e, sir; don't think
ill manners Mir. Right, right, madam; the very words. to me shall excuse your ill usage of my friend; Bis. And some pernicious elf left in the cradle nor, by fixing a quarrel here, to divert my zeal with human shape, to palliate growing mischief. for the absent; for, I'm resolved, nay, I come [Both speak together, and raise their voices prepared, to make you a panegyric, that shall
by degrees.) mortify your pride like any modern dedication. Mir. Perfide, sed duris genuit te cautibus hor
Mir. And I, madam, like a true modern patron, shall hardly give you thanks for your trou- Caucasus, Hyrcanaque admorunt ubera tigres. ble.
Bis. Go, sir; fly to your midnight revels!
Mir. [Excellent.] I sequere Italiam ventis, pe- | she will make him a cuckold. 'Tis ordinary with te regna per undas.
women, to marry one person for the sake of ano Spero equidem medis, si quid pia numina pos- ther, and to throw themselves into the arms of sunt.
[Together again. one they hate, to secure their pleasure with the Bis. Converse with imps of darkness of your man they love. But who is the happy man? make! your nature starts at justice, and shivers at Pet. A lord, sir. the touch of virtue. Now, the devil take his im- Mir. I'm her ladyship's most humble servant; pudence! he vexes me so, I don't know whether a train and a title, hey! Room for my lady's to cry or laugh at him.
coach; a front-row in the box for her ladyship; Mir. Bravely performed, my dear Libyan! I'll lights, lights for her honour! Now must í be a write the tragedy of Dido, and you shall act the constant attender at my lord's levee, to work my part: But you do nothing at all, unless you fret way to my lady's couchee-a countess, I pre yourself into a fit; for here the poor lady is sume, sir? stified with vapours, drops into the arms of her Pet. A Spanish count, sir, that Mr Dugard maids; and the cruel, barbarous, deceitful wan- knew abroad, is come to Paris, saw your mistress derer, is, in the very next line, called pious Æne- yesterday, marries her to-day, and whips her into as. There's authority for ye.
Spain to-morrow. Sorry, indeed, Æneas stood
Mir. Ay, is it so ? and must I follow my cucTo see her in a pout;
kold over the Pyrenees? Had she married within But Jove bimself, who ne'er thought good the precincts of a billet-doux, I would be the To stay a second bout,
man to lead her to church; but, as it happens, Commands him off, with all his crew,
I'll forbid the banns. Where is this mighty And leaves poor Dy, as I leave you.
[Runs off: Pet. Have a care, sir! he's a rough crossBis. Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceittül, grained piece, and there's no tampering with him; agreeable fellow.
O 0 my conscience, I must ex- would you apply to Mr Dugard, or the lady hercuse Oriana.
self, something might be done, for it is in deThat lover soon his angry fair disarms, spight to you, that the business is carried so Whose slighting pleases, and whose faults are hastily. Odso, sir, here he comes! I must be charms. [Exit Bis. gone.
[Erit Pet. SCENE II.
Enter Old Mirabell, dressed in a Spanish
habit, leading Oriana. Enter Petit, runs about to every door, and Ori. Good, my lord, a nobler choice had betknocks.
ter suited your lordship's merit. My person, Pet. Mr Mirabell! Sir, where are you i no rank, and circumstance, expose me as the pubwhere to be found?
lic theme of raillery, and subject me so to inju
rious usage, my lord, that I can lay no claim to Enter MIRABELL.
any part of your regard, except your pity. Mir. What's the matter, Petit?
Old Mir. Breathes he vital air, that dares prePet. Most critically metmAh, sir, that one,
sume, who has followed the game so long, and brought With rude behaviour, to profane such excellence? the poor hare just under his paws, should let a Shew me the manmongrel cur chop in, and run away with the puss ! And you shall see how my sudden revenge
Mir. If your worship can get out of your al-Shall fall upon the head of such presumption. legories, be pleased to tell me, in three words, Is this thing one? (Strutting up to MIRABELL. what you mean.
Mir, Sir! Pet. Plain, plain, sir. Your mistress and mine Ori. Good my lord. is going to be married.
Old Mir. If he, or any he ! Mir, I believe you lie, sir.
Ori. Pray, my lord! the gentleman's a stranPet. Your humble servant, sir. [Going. ger. Mir. Come hither, Petit. Married, say you ? Old Mir. O, your pardon, sir-but if you had
Pet. No, sir, 'tis no matter; I only thought toreinember, sir-the lady now is mine, her indo you a service, but I shall take care how I con- juries are mine; therefore, sir, you understand fer my favours for the future.
-Come, madam. Mir. Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons.
(Leads Oriana to the door, she goes off"; Bowing low.
Mirabell runs to his father, and pulls Pet. 'Tis enough, sir-I come to tell you, sir,
him by the sleeve. that Oriana is this moment to be sacrificed; mar- Mir. Ecoutez, Monsieur le compte, ried past redemption.
Old Mir. Your business, sir? Mir. I understand her she'll take a husband Mlir. Bob! out of spite to me; and then, out of love to me, Old Alir. Boh? What language is that, sir?
Mir. Spanish, my lord.
ORIANA.]—I wislı your ladyship joy of your new Old Mir. What d'ye mean?
dignity. Here was a contrivance indeed. Mir. This, sir.
(Trips up his heels. Pei. The contrivance was well enough, sir, Old Mir. A very concise quarrel, truly !- I'll for they imposed upon us all. bully him, Trinidade seigneur, give me fair play. Mir. Well
, my dear dulcinea, did your don [Offering to rise. Quixotte battle for you bravely? My father will Mir. By all means, sir. [Takes away his answer for the force of my love. sword.] Now, seigneur, where's that bombast Ori. Pray, sir, don't insult the misfortunes of look, and fustian face, your countship wore just your own creating. now?
[Strikes him. Dug. My prudence will be counted cowardice, Old Mir. The rogue quarrels well, very well : if I stand tamely now.--[Comes up, between Mimy own son right! But hold, sirrah, no more RABELL and his sister.]-Well, sir ! jesting; I'm your father, sir, your father!
Mir. Well, sir! Do you take me for one of Mir, My father! Then, by this light, I could your tenants, sir, that you put on your landlord find in my heart to pay thee, (Aside.) Is the fel face at me! low mad? Why, sure, sir, I han't frighted you Dug. On what presumption, sir, dare you ase out of your senses?
sume thus? Old Mir. But you have, sir.
[Draus. Mir. Then I'll beat them into you again. Old Mir. What's that to you, sir? [Offers to strike him.
[Draus. Old Mir. Why, rogue--Bub, dear Bob, don't Pet. Ilelp! help! the lady faints. you know me, child?
[Oriana falls into her maid's arms. Mir. Ha, ha, ha! the fellow's downright dis- Mir. Vapours! vapours! she'll come to here tracted: Thou miracle of impudence! would'st self: if it be an angry fit, a dram of assafatida thou make me believe, that such a grave gentle---if jealousy, hartshorn in water—if the moman as my father would go a masquerading thus ther, "burnt feathers—if grief, ratifia—if it be That a person of threescore and three would run strait stays, or corns, there's nothing like a dram aboút in a fool's coat, to disgrace himself and fa- of plain brandy. mily? Why, you impudent villain, do you think I Ori
. Hold off! give me air-O my brother! will suffer such an affront to pass upon my ho- would you preserve my life, endanger not your noured father, my worthy father, my dear father? own; would you defend ny reputation, leave it 'Sdeath, sir, mention my father but once again, to itself; 'tis a dear vindication, that's purchased and I'll send your soul to thy grandfather this ) by the sword; for, though our champion proves minute!
victorious, yet our honour is wounded. [Offering to stab him. Old Mir. Aye, and your lover may be woundOld Alir. Well, well, I am not your father. ed, that's another thing. But I think you are
Mir. Why, then, sir, you are the saucy, hec- pretty brisk again, iny child. toring Spaniard, and I'll use you accordingly, Ori. Aye, sir, my indisposition was only a pre
old Mir. The devil take the Spaniards, sir! we tence to divert the quarrel; the capricious taste have all got nothing but blows, since we began to of your sex excuses this artifice in ours. take their part.
for often, when our chief perfections fail,
Our chief defects with foolish men prevail. Enter DUGARD, ORIANA, Maid, and Petit.
[Erit ORIANA. DUGARD runs to MIRABELL, the rest to the
Pet. Come, Mr Dugard, take courage, there old gentleman.
is a way still left to fetch him again.
Old Mir. Sir, I'll have no plot, that has any Dug. Fy, fy, Mirabell, murder your father! relation to Spain.
Mir. My father? what, is the whole family Dug. I scorn all artifice whatsoever; my sword mad? Give me way, sir, I won't be held. shall do her justice.
Old Mir, No? nor I neither; let me be gone, Pet. Pretiy justice, truly! Suppose you run pray.
him through the body, you run her through the
[Offering to go. heart at the same time. Mir. My father!
Old Mir. And me through the headOld Mir. Aye, you dog's face ! I am your fa- your sword, sir, we'll have plots; come, Petit, ther, for I have bore as much for thee, as your let's hear. mother ever did.
Pet. What if she pretended to go into a nunMir. O ho! then this was a trick, it seems; a pery, and so bring him about to declare himself? design, a contrivance, a stratagem--Oh! how my Dug. That, I must confess, has a face. bones ache!
Old Mir. A face! a face like an angel, sir. Old Mir. Your bones, sirrah, why yours? Ad's
my lite, sir, 'tis the most beautiful plot in Mir. Why, sir, han't I heen heating my own Christendom. We'll about it immediately. Pesh and blood all this while ? Oh, madam---[To