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Bis. Come, sir, to let you see what little foun
dation you have for your dear sufficiency, I'll take Enter Petit.
you to pieces. Pet. O sir, more discoveries; are all friends Mir. And what piece will you chuse? about us?
Bis. Your heart, to be sure; because I should Dug. Ay, ay, speak freely.
get presently rid on't; your courage I would give Pet. You must know, sir- -odd's my life, I'm to a hector, your wit to a lewd play-maker, your out of breath; you must know, sir—you must honour to an attorney, your body to the physiknow
cians, and your soul to its master. Old Mir. What the devil must we know, sir? Mir. I had the oddest dream last night of the
Pet. That I have (Pants and blows.] bribed, dutchess of Burgundy; methought the furbelows sir, bribed—your son's secretary of state. of her gown were pinned up so high behind, that
Old Mir. Secretary of state !-who's that, for I could not see her head for her tail. Heaven's sake?
Bis. The creature don't mind me! do you Pet. His valet-de-chambre, sir. You must think, sir, that your humorous impertinence can know, sir, that the intrigue lay folded up with divert me? No, sir, I'm above any pleasure that his master's clothes, and when he went to dust you can give, but that of seeing you miserable. the embroidered suit, the secret flew out of the And mark me, sir, my friend, my injured friend, right pocket of his coat, in a whole swarm of shall yet be doubly happy, and you shall be a husyour crambo songs, short-footed odes, and long- band as much as the rites of marriage, and the legged pindarics.
breach of them, can make you. Ola Mir. Impossible !
[Here MIRABELL pulls out a Virgil, and Pet. Ah, sir, he has loved her all along; there reads to himself while she speaks.) was Oriana in every line-but he hates marriage: Mir. (Reading.) At regina dolos, (quis fallere Now, sir, this plot will stir up his jealousy, and possit amantem ?) we shall know, by the strength of that, how to pro- Dissimulare etiam sperásti, perfide tantum ceed farther.
true.) Posse nefas. Come, sir, lets about it with speed,
By your favour, friend Virgil, 'twas but a ras'Tis expedition gives our king the sway; cally trick of your hero to forsake poor pug so For expedition to the French give way;
inhumanly. Swift to attack, or swift-to run away.
Bis. I don't know what to say to him. The [Exeunt. devil-what's Virgil to us, sir?
Mir. Very much, madam, the most apropos Enter MIRABELL and BISArre, passing care in the world—for, what should I chop upon, but lessly by one another.
the very place, where the perjured rogue of a lo
ver and the forsaken lady are battling it tooth Bis. [Aside.) I wonder what she can see in and nail ? Come, madam, spend your spirits no this fellow to like him?
longer; we'll take an easier method : I'll be Ene Mir. (Aside.] I wonder what my friend can as now, and you shall be Dido, and we'll rail by See in this girl to admire her?
book. Now for you, madam Dido. Bis. Aside.] A wild, foppish, extravagant Nec te noster amor, nec te data dextera quonrake-hell.
dam, Mir. [Aside.] A light, whimsical, impertinent Nec moritura tenet crudeli funere Dido mad-cap.
Ah, poor Dido!
(Looking at her. Bis. Whom do you mean, sir?
Bis. Rudeness, affronts, impatience! I could Mir. Whom do you mean, madam?
almost start out even to manhood, and want but Bis. A fellow, that has nothing left to re-esta- a weapon as long as his to fight him upon the blish him for a human creature, but a prudent re- spot. What shall I say? solution to hang himself.
Mir. Now she rants. Mir. There is a way, madam, to force me to
Qua quibus anteferam ? jum jam nec maxima that resolution. Bis. I'll do it with all my heart.
Bis. A man! No, the woman's birth was spiMir. Then, you must marry me.
Bis. Look'é, sir; don't think your ill manners Mir. Right, right, madam; the very words. to me shall excuse your ill usage of my friend; Bis. And some pernicious elf left in the cradle nor, by fixing a quarrel here, to divert my zeal with human shape, to palliate growing mischief. for the absent; for, I'm resolved, nay, I come [Both speak together, and raise their voices prepared, to make you a panegyric, that shall by degrees.] mortify your pride like any modern dedication. Mir. Perfide, sed duris genuit te cautibus hor
Mir. And I, madam, like a true modern patron, shall hardly give you thanks for your trou- Caucasus, Hyrcanaque admorunt ubera tigres: ble.
Bis. Go, sir; fly to your midnight revels!
Mir. [Excellent.] I sequere Italiam ventis, pe- | she will make him a cuckold. 'Tis ordinary with te regna per undas.
women, to marry one person for the sake of anoSpero equidem mediis, si quid pia numina pos- ther, and to throw themselves into the arms of sunt.
[Together again. one they hate, to secure their pleasure with the Bis. Converse with imps of darkness of your man they love. But who is the happy man? make! your nature starts at justice, and shivers at Pet. A lord, sir. the touch of virtue. Now, the devil take his im- Mir. I'm her ladyship's most humble servant; pudence ! he vexes me so, I don't know whether a train and a title, hey! Room for my lady's to cry or laugh at him.
coach; a front-row in the box for her ladyship; Mir. Bravely performed, my dear Libyan! I'll lights, lights for her honour! Now inust í be a write the tragedy of Dido, and you shall act the constant attender at my lord's levee, to work my part : But you do nothing at all, unless you fret way to my lady's couchee- -a countess, I preyourself into a fit; for here the poor lady is sume, sir stified with vapours, drops into the arms of her Pet. A Spanish count, sir, that Mr Dugard maids; and the cruel, barbarous, deceitful wan- knew abroad, is come to Paris, saw your mistress derer, is, in the very next line, called pious Æne- yesterday, marries her to-day, and whips her into as. There's authority for ye.
Spain to-morrow. Sorry, indeed, Æneas stood
Mir. Ay, is it so ? and must I follow my cucTo see her in a pout;
kold over the Pyrenees? Had she married within But Jove bimself, who ne'er thought good the precincts of a billet-doux, I would be the To stay a second bout,
man to lead her to church; but, as it happens, Commands bim off, with all his crew,
I'll forbid the banns. Where is this mighty And leaves poor Dy, as I leave you.
Runs off: Pet. Have a care, sir! he's a rough crossBis. Go thy ways, for a dear, mad, deceitfül, grained piece, and there's no tampering with him; agreeable fellow. O’my conscience, I must ex- would you apply to Mr Dugard, or the lady hercuse Oriana.
self, something might be done, for it is in deThat lover soon his angry fair disarms, spight to you, that the business is carried so Whose slighting pleases, and whose faults are hastily. Odso, sir, here he comes! I must be charms. [Exit Bis. gone.
[Erit Per. SCENE II.
Enter Old Mirabell, dressed in a Spanish
habit, leading Oriana. Enter Petit, runs about to every door, and Ori. Good, my lord, a nobler choice had betknocks. ter suited your lordship’s merit.
My person, Pet. Mr Mirabell! Sir, where are you s' no rank, and circumstance, expose me as the pubwhere to be found ?
lic theme of raillery, and subject me so to inju
rious usage, my lord, that I can lay no claim to Enter MIRABELL.
any part of your regard, except your pity. Mir. What's the matter, Petit?
Old Mir. Breathes he vital air, that dares prePet. Most critically met -Ah, sir, that one,
sume, who has followed the game so long, and brought With rude behaviour, to profane such excellence? the poor hare just under his paws, should let a Shew me the manmongrel cur chop in, and run away with the puss ! And you shall see how my sudden revenge
Mir. If your worship can get out of your al-Shall fall upon the head of such presumption. legories, be pleased to tell me, in three words, Is this thing one? (Strutting up to MIRABELL. what you mean.
Mir, Sir! Pet. Plain, plain, sir. Your mistress and mine Ori. Good my lord. is going to be married.
Old Mir. If he, or any he! Mir, I believe you lie, sir.
Ori. Pray, my lord! the gentleman's a stranPet. Your humble servant, sir. [Going. ger. Mir. Come hither, Petit. Married, say you? Old Mir. O, your pardon, sir-but if you had
Pet. No, sir, 'tis no matter; I only thought -remember, sir-the lady now is mine, her indo you a service, but I shall take care how I con- juries are mine; therefore, sir, you understand fer my favours for the future.
-Come, madam. Mir. Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons.
[Leads Oriana to the door, she goes off"; Bowing low.
Mirabell runs to his father, and pulls Pet. 'Tis enough, sir-I come to tell you, sir,
him by the sleeve. that Oriana is this moment to be sacrificed; mar- Mir. Ecoutez, Monsieur le compte. ried past redemption.
Old Mir. Your business, sir? Mir. I understand her she'll take a husband Mir. Boh! out of spite to me; and then, out of love to me, Old Mir. Boh? What language is that, sir?
Mir. Spanish, my lord.
Oriana.}-I wislı your ladyship joy of your new Old Mir. What d'ye mean?
dignity. llere was a contrivance indeed. Mir. This, sir.
[Trips up his heels. Pei. The contrivance was well enough, sir, Old Mir. A very concise quarrel, truly !-I'll for they imposed upon us all. bully him, Trinidade seigneur, give me fair play. Mir. Well, my dear dulcinea, did your don
(Offering to rise. Quixotte battle for you bravely? My father will Mir. By all means, sir. [Takes away his answer for the force of my love. sword.] Now, seigneur, where's that boinbast Ori. Pray, sir, don't insult the misfortunes of look, and fustian face, your countship wore just your own creating. now?
[Strikes him. Dug. My prudence will be counted cowardice, Old Mir. The rogue quarrels well, very well : if I stand tamely now.- (Comes up between Mimy own son right! But hold, sirrah, no more RABELL and his sister.)- Well, sir! jesting; I'm your father, sir, your father!
Mir. Well, sir! Do you take me for one of Mir, My father! Then, by this light, I could your tenants, sir, that you put on your landlord find in my heart to pay thee. (Aside.) Is the fel- face at me? low mad? Why, sure, sir, I han't frighted you Dug. On what presumption, sir, dare you ase out of your senses?
sume thus? Old Mir. But you have, sir.
[Draws. Mir. Then I'll beat them into you again.
Old Mir. What's that to you, sir? [Offers to strike him.
[Draus. Old Mir. Why, rogue--Bub, dear Bob, don't Pet. Ielp! help! the lady faints. you know me, child?
[Oriana falls into her maid's arms. Mir. Ha, ha, ha! the fellow's downright dis- Mir. Vapours! vapours! she'll come to here tracted: Thou miracle of impudence ! would'st self: if it be an angry fit, a dram of assafatida thou make me believe, that such a grave gentle --if jealousy, hartshorn in water-if the moman as my father would go a masquerading thus ? tuer, burnt feathers--if grief, ratifia—if it be
a That a person of threescore and three would run strait stays, or corns, there's nothing like a dram about in a fool's coat, to disgrace himself and fa- of plain brandy. mily? Why, you impudent villain, do you think I Ori. Hold off! give me air-o my brother! will suffer such an affront to pass upon my ho- would you preserve my life, endanger not your noured father, my worthy father, my dear father? own; would you defend my reputation, leave it 'Sdeath, sir, mention my father but once again, to itself; 'tis a dear vindication, that's purchased and I'll send your soul to thy grandfather this by the sword; for, though our champion proves minute!
victorious, vet our honour is wounded. [Offering to stab him. Old Mir. Aye, and your lover may be woundOld Air. Well, well, I am not your father. ed, that's another thing. But I think you are
Mir. Why, then, sir, you are the saucy, hec- pretty brisk again, my child. toring Spaniard, and I'll use you accordingly. Ori. Ave, sir, my indisposition was only a pre
oid Mir. The devil take the Spaniards, sir! we tence to divert the quarrel; the capricious taste have all got nothing but blows, since we began to of your sex excuses this artifice in ours, take their part.
For often, when our chief perfections fail,
Our chief defects with foolishi men prevail. Enter DugARD, ORIANA, MAID, and Petit.
[Erit ORIANA. DUGARD runs to MIRABELL, the rest to the
Pet. Come, Mr Dugard, take courage, there old gentleman.
is a way still left to fetch him again.
Old Mir. Sir, I'll have no plot, that has any Dug. Fy, fy, Mirabell, murder your father! relation to Spain.
Mir. My father? what, is the whole family Dug. I scorn all artifice whatsoever; my sword mad? Give me way, sir, I won't be held. shall do her justice.
Old Mir, No? nor I neither, let me be gone, Pet. Pretiy justice, truly! Suppose you run pray.
him through the body, you run her through the
[Offering to go. heart at the same time. Mir. My father!
Old Vir. And me through the headOld Mir. Aye, you dog's face! I am your fa- your sword, sir, we'll have plots; come, Petit, ther, for I have bore as much for thee, as your let's hear. mother ever did.
Pet. What if she pretended go into a nunMir. O ho! then this was a trick, it seems; a pery, and so bring him about to declare himself? design, a contrivance, a stratagem--Oh! how my Dug. That, I must confess, has a face. bones ache!
Old Mir. A face! a face like an angel, sir. Old Mir. Your bones, sirrah, why yours? Ad's my life, sir, 'tis the most beautiful plot in
Mir. Why, sir, han't I been heating my own Christendom. We'll about it immediately. fesh and blood all this while ? Oh, madam-[To
SCENE II.-The Street,
Both. Ha, ha, ha!
Dur. Very pretty.-Draws.She threatenEnter DURETETE and MIRABELL.
ed to kick me. Aye, then, you dogs, I'll murder Dur. [In a passion. And though I can't ye. dance, nor sing, nor talk like you, yet I can fight; [Fights, and beats them off, MIRABELL runs you know I can, sir.
over to his side. Mir. I know thou canst, man.
Mir. Ha, ha, ha! bravely done, Duretete! Dur. 'Sdeath, sir, and I will: let me see the there you had him, noble captain; hey, they run, proudest man alive make a jest of me!
they run, Victoria, Victoria-Ha, ha, ha!-how Mir. But I'll engage to make you amends. happy am I in an excellent friend ! tell me of
Dur. Danced to death! baited like a bear! your virtuosos, and men of sense! a parcel of ridiculed! threatened to be kicked! confusion! sour-faced, splenetic rogues—a man of my thin sir, you set me on, and I will have satisfaction; constitution should never want a fool in his comall mankind will point at me.
pany : I don't affect your fine things that improve Mir. (Aside.)-I must give this thunderbolt the understanding, but hearty laughing to fatten some passage, or 'twill break upon my own head my carcase : and, in my conscience, a man of --look'e, Duretete, what do these gentlemen sense is as melancholy without a coxcomb, as a
lion without a jackall; he hunts for our diver
sion, starts game for our spleen, and perfectly Enter two Gentlemen.
feeds us with pleasure. Dur. At me, to be sure-Sir, what made you laugh at me?
I hate the man who makes acquaintance nice, 1 Gen. You're mistaken, sir; if we were mer- And still discreetly plagues me with advice; ry, we had a private reason.
Who moves by caution, and mature delays, 2 Gen. Sir, we don't know you.
And must give reasons for whate'er he says. Dur. Sir, I'll make you know me; mark and The man, indeed, whose converse is so full, observe me, I won't be named; it sha'nt be men- Makes me attentive, but it makes me dull : tioned, not even whispered, in your prayers at Give me the careless rogue, who never thinks, church. 'Sdeath, sir, d'ye smile?
That plays the fool as freely as he drinks. 1 Gen. Not I, upon my word.
Not a buffoon, who is buffoon by trade, Dur. Why, then, look grave as an owl in a But one that nature, not his wants have made; barn, or a friar with his crown a shaving. Who still is merry, but does ne'er design it;
Mir. [Aside to the gentlemen.}-Don't be bul. And still is ridiculed, but ne'er can tind it: lied out of your humour, gentlemen; the fellow's Who, when he's most in earnest, is the best ; mad; laugh at him, and I'll stand by you. And his most grave expression is a jest. 1 Gen. 'Egad, and so we will.
SCENE I.-OLD MIRABELL's house.
Old Mir. That may be; for I was as mad as
he, when I begot him. Enter OLD MIRABELL and DUGARD.
Dug. Mad, sir! what d’ye mean? Dug. The lady abbess is my relation, and Dur. What do you mean, şir, by shutting up privy to the plot : your son has been there, but your sister yonder to talk like a parrot through a had no admittance beyond the privilege of the cage? Or a decoy-duck, to draw others into the grate, and there my sister refused to see him. He snare? Your son, sir, because she has deserted went off more nettled at his repulse, than I him, he has forsaken the world; and, in three thought his gaiety could admit.
words, hasOld Mir. Aye, aye, this nunnery will bring Old Mir. Hanged himself! him about, I warrant ye.
Dur. The very same-turned friar. 1
Old Mir. You lie, sir, 'tis ten times worse.-Enter DURETETE.
Bob turned friar! Why should the fellow shave Dur. Here, where are ye all? O! Mr Mira- his foolish crown when the same razor may cut bell, you have done fine things for your posteri- his throats ty--and you, Mr Dugard, may come to answer Dur. If you have any command, or you any this I come to demand my friend at your interest over him, lose not a minute : He has hands; restore him, sir, or
thrown hiinself into the next monastery, and has [To OLD MIRABELL. ordered me to pay off his servants, and discharge Old Mir. Restore him ! what, d'ye think I his equipage. have got him in my trunk, or my pocket!
Old Mir. Let me alone to ferret him out; I'll Dur. Sir, be’s mad, and you're the cause on't. | sacrifice the abbot, if he receives him ; I'll try
whether the spiritual or the natural father bas Bis. Ha, ha, ha! and do you think there is any the most right to the child. But, dear captain, devotion in a fellow's going to church, when he what has he done with his estate?
takes it only for a sanctuary? Don't you know Dur. Settled it upon the church, sir.
that religion consists in charity with all mankind? Old Mir. The church! Nay, then the devil and that you should never think of being friends won't get him out of their clutches-Ten with Heaven, till you have quarrelled with all the thousand livres a-year upon the church! 'Tis down- world! Come, come, mind your business; Miraright sacrilege-Come, gentlemen, all hands to bell loves you ; 'tis now plain, and hold him to't ; work; for half that sum, one of these monasteries give fresh orders that he shan't see you : We shall protect you a traitor from the law, a rebel- get more by hiding our faces sometimes, than by lious wife from her husband, and a disobedient exposing them : a very mask, you see, whets deson from his own father. (Erit Old Mirabell. sire; but a pair of keen eyes through an iron
Dug. But will you persuade me, that he is grate fire double upon them, with view and disgone to a monastery?
guise. But I must be gone upon my own affairs; Dur. Is your sister gone to the Filles Repen- I have brought my captain about again. ties? I tell you, sir, she's not fit for the society Ori. But why will you trouble yourself with of repenting maids.
that coxcomb? Dug. Why so, sir?
Bis. Because he is a coxcomb: had I not betDur. Because she's neither one nor the other; ter have a lover like him, that I can make an ass she's too old to be a maid, and too young to re- of, than a lover like yours, to make a fool of me? pent, [Exit ; Dugard after him. [Knocking below.] A message from Mirabell, I'll
lay my life. (She runs to the door.] Come hither, SCENE II.— The inside of a monastery; Oni- run: thou charming nun, come hither. Ana in a nun's habit ; Bisarre.
Ori. What's the news? [Runs to her.
Bis. Don't you see who's below Ori. I hope, Bisarre, there is no harm in jest- Ori. I see nobody but a friar. ing with this religious habit.
Bis. Ah ! Thou poor blind Cupid ! O' my conBis. To me, the greatest jest in the habit is science, these hearts of ours spoil our heads intaking it in earnest: I don't understand this im- staħtly! the fellows no sooner turn knaves, than prisoning people with the keys of Paradise, nor we turn fools. A friar! Don't you see a villainthe merit of that virtue, which comes by con- ous genteel mein under that cloak of hypocrisy, straint. Besides, we may own to one another, the loose careless air of a tall rake-helly fellow! that we are in the worst company when among Ori. As I live, Mirabell turned friar! I hope, ourselves; for our private thoughts run us into in Heaven, he's not in earnest. those desires, which our pride resists from the Bis. In earnest! Ha, ha, ha! are you in earattack of the world; and, you may remember, nest ? Now's your time; this disguise has he certhe first woman met the devil when she retired tainly taken for a passport, to get in and try from her man.
your resolutions; stick to your habit, to be sure; Ori. But I'm reconciled, methinks, to the treat him with disdain, rather than anger; for mortification of a nunnery; because I fancy the pride becomes us more than passion. Remember habit becomes me.
what I say, if you would yield to advantage, and Bis. A well-contrived mortification, truly, that hold on the attack; to draw him on, keep him makes a woman look ten times handsomer than off to be sure. she did before! Aye, my dear, were there any The cunning gamesters never gain too fast ; religion in becoming dress, our sex's devotion But lose at first, to win the more at last. were rightly placed; for our toilets would do
[Erit. the work of the altar; we should all be canon- Ori. His coming puts me into some ambiguity, ized.
I don't know how; I don't fear him, but I misOri. But don't you think there is a great deal trust myself ; would he were not come ! yet I of merit in dedicating a beautiful face and per- would not have him gone neither-I'ın afraid to son to the service of religion?
talk with him, but I love to see him though. Bis. Not half so much as devoting them to a What a strange power has this fantastic fire, pretty fellow : If our feminality had no business That makes us dread even what we most dein this world, why was it sent hither? Let us de
sire ! dicate our beautiful minds to the service of Heaven ; and for our handsome persons, they be
Enter MIRABELL in a friar's habit. come a box at the play, as well as a pew in the Mir. Save 'you, sister-Your brother, young church.
lady, having a regard for your soul's health, has Ori. But the vicissitudes of fortune, the incon- sent me to prepare you for the sacred habit by stancy of man, with other disappointments of confession. līte, require some place of religion, for a refuge Ori. That's false; the cloven foot already. from their persecution.
[Aside.] My brother's care I own; and to you,