apt to choose that the flies have been busy with, ha, ha, ha! Lady Easy. Thou art a strange giddy creature! you bear to have a sweet-fancied suit, and never shew it at the play, or the drawing-room? Lady Easy. But one would not ride in it, methinks, or harass it out, when there's no occasion. Lady Bet. Pooh! my lord Morelove's a mere Lady Bet. That may be from so much circuIndian damask, one can't wear him out; o' mylation of thought, my dear. conscience, I must give him to my woman at Lady Easy. But my lord Foppington's marri last; I begin to be known by him: had not Ied, and one would not fool with him, for his labest leave him off, my dear? for, poor soul, Idy's sake; it may make her uneasy, andbelieve I have a little fretted him of late. Lady Easy. Now, 'tis to me amazing, how a man of his spirit can bear to be used like a dog for four or five years together-but nothing's a wonder in love; yet pray, when you found you could not like him at first, why did you ever encourage him? Lady Bet. Why, what would you have one do? for my part, I could no more choose a man by my eye, than a shoe; one must draw them on a little, to see if they are right to one's foot. Lady Easy. But I'd no more fool on with a man I could not like, than I'd wear a shoe that pinched me. Lady Bet. Aye, but then a poor wretch tells one, he'll widen them, or do any thing, and is so civil and silly, that one does not know how to turn such a trifle, as a pair of shoes, or an heart, upon a fellow's hands again. Lady Easy. Well; I confess you are very happily distinguished among most women of fortune, to have a man of my lord Morelove's sense and quality so long and honourably in love with you; for, now-a-days, one hardly ever hears of such a thing as a man of quality in love with the woman he would marry. To be in love, now, is only to have a design upon a woman, a modish way of declaring war against her virtue, which they generally attack first, by toasting up her vanity. Lady Bet. Aye, but the world knows, that is not the case between my lord and me. Lady Easy. Therefore, I think you happy. Lady Bet. Now, I don't see it; I'll swear I'm better pleased to know there are a great many foolish fellows of quality that take occasion to toast me frequently. Lady Easy. I vow I should not thank any gentleman for toasting me, and I have often wondered how a woman of your spirit could bear a great many other freedoms I have seen some men take with you. Lady Bet. As how, my dear? Come, prithee, be free with me, for, you must know, I love dearly to hear my faults-Who is't you have observed to be too free with me? Lady Easy. Why, there's my lord Foppington; could any woman but you bear to see him with a respectful fleer stare full in her face, draw up his breath, and cry-Gad, you're handsome? Lady Bet. My dear, fine fruit will have flies about it; but, poor things, they do it no harm: for, if you observe, people are generally most VOL. II, Lady Bet. Poor creature! Her pride, indeed, makes her carry it off without taking any notice of it to me; though I know she hates me in her heart, and I cannot endure malicious people; so I used to dine with her once a week, purely to give her disorder; if you had but seen when my lord and I fooled a little, the creature looked so ugly! Lady Easy. But I should not think my reputation safe; my lord Foppington's a man that talks often of his amours, but seldom speaks of favours that are refused him. Lady Bet. Pshaw! will any thing a man says make a woman less agreeable? Will his talking spoil one's complexion, or put one's hair out of order? and for reputation-look you, my dear, take it for a rule, that, as amongst the lower rank of people, no woman wants beauty that has fortune; so, among people of fortune, no woman wants virtue, that has beauty: but an estate and beauty joined, are of an unlimited, nay, a power pontifical, make one not only absolute, but infallible- A fine woman's never in the wrong; or, if we were, 'tis not the strength of a poor creature's reason that can unfetter hun. Oh, how I love to hear a wretch curse himself for loving on, or now and then coming out with a Yet for the plague of human race, Lady Easy. At this rate, I don't see you allow reputation to be at all essential to a fine woman? Lady Bet. Just as much as honour to a great man. Power is always above scandal. Don't you hear people say the king of France owes most of his conquests to breaking his word, and would not the confederates have a fine time on't, if they were only to go to war with reproaches? Indeed, my dear, that jewel reputation is a very fanciful business! One shall not see a homely creature in town, but wears it in her mouth as monstrously as the Indians do bobs at their lips, and it really becomes them just alike. Lady Easy. Have a care, my dear, of trusting too far to power alone: for nothing is more ridiculous than the fall of pride; and woman's pride, at best, may be suspected to be more a distrust, than a real contempt of mankind: for, when we have said all we can, a deserving husband is certainly our best happiness; and I don't question but my lord Morelove's merit, in a little time, will make you think so, too; for, whatever airs 3 F you give yourself to the world, I'm sure your heart don't want good-nature. Lady Bet. You are mistaken; I am very illnatured, though your good-humour won't let you see it. Lady Easy. Then, to give me a proof on't, let me see you refuse to go immediately and dine with me, after I have promised sir Charles to bring you. Lady Bet. Pray, don't ask me. Lady Bet. Because, to let you see I hate goodnature, I'll go without asking, that you mayn't have the malice to say I did you a favour. Lady Easy. Thou art a mad creature. [Exeunt arm in arm. SCENE II-Changes to SIR CHARLES'S lodgings. LORD MORELOVE and SIR CHARLES at picquet. Sir Cha. Come, my lord, one single game for the tout, and so have done. Lord More. No, haug them, I have enough of them! ill cards are the dullest company in the world--How much is it? Sir Cha. Three parties. Lord More. Fifteen pounds-very well. [While LORD MORELOVE counts out his money, a servant gives SIR CHARLES a letter, which he reads to himself.] Sir Cha. [To the Servant.]-Give my service; say I have company dines with me; if I have time I'll call there in the afternoon-ha, ha, ha! [Erit Servant. Lord More. What's the matter? there[Paying the money. Sir Cha. The old affair-my lady Graveairs. Lord More. Oh! Prithee, how does that go on? Sir Cha. As agreeably as a chancery suit: for now it comes to the intolerable plague of my not being able to get rid on't; as you may seeGiving the letter. Lord More. [Reads.]— Your behaviour, since 'I came to Windsor, has convinced me of your 'villainy, without my being surprised, or angry at ' it. I desire you would let me see you at my lodgings immediately, where I shall have a better opportunity to convince you, that I never can, or positively will, be as I have been, Yours,' &c. A very whimsical letter! Faith, I think she has hard luck with you: if a man were obliged to have a mistress, her person and condition seem to be cut out for the ease of a lover: for she's a young, handsome, wild, well-jointured widow-But what's your quarrel? Sir Cha. Nothing-She sees the coolness happens to be first on my side, and her business with me now, I suppose, is to convince me how heartily she's vexed that she was not before-hand with me. Lord More. Her pride, and your indifference, must occasion a pleasant scene, sure; what do you intend to do? Sir Cha. Treat her with a cold familiar air, till I pique her to forbid me her sight, and then take her at her word. Lord More. Very gallant and provoking. Enter a Servant. Ser. Sir, my lord Foppington [Exit Servant. Sir Cha. Oh-now, my lord, if you have a mind to be let into the mystery of making love without pain, here's one that's a master of the art, and shall declaim to you Enter LORD FOPPINGTON. My dear lord Foppington! Lord Fop. My dear agreeable! Que je t'embrasse! Pardi! Il y a cent ans que je ne t'ai vu -my lord, I am your lordship's most obedient humble servant. Lord More. My lord, I kiss your hands-I hope we shall have you here some time; you seem to have laid in a stock of health to be in at the diversions of the place-You look extremely well. Lord Fop. To see one's friends look so, my lord, may easily give a vermeille to one's complexion. a Sir Cha. Lovers in hope, my lord, always have visible brilliant in their eyes and air. Lord Fop. What dost thou mean, Charles? Sir Cha. Come, come, confess what really brought you to Windsor, now you have no business there? Lord Fop. Why, two hours, and six of the best nags in Christendom, or the devil drive me! Lord More. You make haste, my lord. Lord Fop. My lord, I always fly when I pursuc-But they are all well kept, indeed-I love to have creatures go as I bid them. You have seen them, Charles; but so has all the world; Foppington's long tails are known on every road in England. Sir Cha. Well, my lord, but how came they to bring you this road? You don't use to take these irregular jaunts, without some design in your head, of having more than nothing to do. Lord Fop. Pshaw! Pox! Prithee, Charles, thou knowest I am a fellow sans consequence, be where I will. Sir Cha. Nay, nay, this is too much among friends, my lord; come, come, we must have it; your real business here? Lord Fop. Why, then, entre nous, there is a certain fille de joye about the court, here, that loves winning at cards better than all the things I have been able to say to her, so I have brought an odd thousand bill in my pocket, that I design, tête-à-tête, to play off with her at picquet, or so; and now the business is out. Sir Cha. Ah, and a very good business, too, my lord. Lord Fop. If it be well done, CharlesSir Cha. That's as you manage your cards, my lord. Lord More. This must be a woman of consequence, by the value you set upon her favours. Sir Cha. Oh, nothing's above the price of a fine woman. Lord Fop. Nay, look you, gentlemen, the price may not happen to be altogether so high, neither For I fancy I know enough of the game, to make it an even bet, I get her for nothing. Lord More. How so, my lord? Lord Fop. Because, if she happen to lose a good sum to me, I shall buy her with her own money. Lord More. That's new, I confess. Lord More. I believe there are a great many in the world that are sorry 'tis not in their power to unmarry her. Lord Fop. I am a great many in the world's very humble servant; and, whenever they find it is in their power, their high and mighty wisdoms may command me at a quarter of an hour's warning. Lord More. Pray, my lord, what did you marry for? Lord Fop. To pay my debts at play, and disinherit my younger brother. Lord More. But there are some things due to a wife. Lord Fop. And there are some debts I don't care to pay-to both which I plead—husband, and my lord. Lord More. If I should do so, I should expect to have my own coach stopt in the street, and to meet my wife with the windows up in a hack Lord Fop. You know, Charles, 'tis not impossible but I may be five hundred pounds deepney. with her-then, bills may fall short, and the devil's in't if I want assurance to ask her to pay some way or other. Sir Cha. And a man must be a churl, indeed, | that won't take a lady's personal security; ha, ha, ha! Lord Fop. He, he, he! Thou art a devil, Charles! Lord More. Death! How happy is this coxcomb? [Aside. Lord Fop. But, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I had another pressing temptation that brought me hither, which was-my wife. Lord More. That's kind, indeed; my lady has been here this month: she'll be glad to see you. Lord Fop. That I don't know; for I design this afternoou to send her to London, Lord More. What! the same day you come, my lord? that would be cruel. Lord Fop. Aye, but it will be mighty convenient; for she is positively of no manner of use in my amours. Lord More. That's your fault; the town thinks her a very deserving woman. Lord Fop. If she were a woman of the town, perhaps I should think so, too; but she happens to be my wife, and, when a wife is once given to deserve more than her husband's inclinations can pay, in my mind she has no merit at all. Lord More. She's extremely well-bred, and of a very prudent conduct. Lord Fop. Umaye—the woman's proud enough. Lord More. Add to this, all the world allows her handsome. Lord Fop. The world's extremely civil, my lord; and I should take it as a favour done me, if they could find an expedient to unmarry the poor woman from the only man in the world that cannot think her handsome. Lord Fop. Then would I put in bail, and order a separate maintenance. Lord More. So, pay the double the sum of the debt, and be married for nothing. Lord Fop. Now, I think deferring a dun, and getting rid of one's wife, are two the most agreeable sweets in the liberties of an English subject. Lord More. If I were married, I would as soon part from my estate as my wife. Lord Fop. Now, I would not; sun-burn me if I would! Lord More. Death! but, since you are so indifferent, my lord, why would you needs marry a woman of so much merit? Could not you have laid out your spleen upon some ill-natured shrew, that wanted the plague of an ill husband, and have let her alone to some plain, honest man or quality, that would have deserved her? me, Lord Fop. Why, faith, my lord, that might have been considered; but I really grew so passionately fond of her fortune, that, curse catch I was quite blind to the rest of her good qualities: for, to tell you the truth, if it had been possible the old put of a peer could have tossed me in t'other five thousand for them, by my consent, she should have relinquished her merit and virtues to any of her other sisters. Sir Cha. Aye, aye, my lord; virtues in a wife are good for nothing but to make her proud, and put the world in mind of her husband's faults. Lord Fop. Right, Charles: and, strike me blind, but the women of virtue are now grown such idiots in love, that they expect of a man, just as they do of a coach-horse, that's one appetite, like t'other's flesh, should increase by feeding. Sir Cha. Right, my lord; and don't consider, that toujours chapons bouillis will never do with an English stomach. Lord Fop. Ha, ha, ha! To tell you the truth, Charles, I have known so much of that sort of eating, that I now think, for an hearty meal, no wild fowl in Europe is comparable to a joint of Banstead mutton. Lord Mor. How do you mean Lord Fop. Why that, for my part, I had rather have a plain slice of my wife's woman, than my guts full of e'er an Ortolan dutchess in Christendom. Lord Mor. But, I thought, my lord, your chief business now at Windsor had been your design upon a woman of quality. Lord Fop. That's true, my lord; though I don't think your fine lady the best dish myself, yet a man of quality can't be without such things at his table. Lord Mor. Oh, then, you only desire the reputation of an affair with her? Lord Fop. I think the reputation is the most inviting part of an amour with most women of quality. Lord Mor. Why so, my lord? Lord Fop. Why, who the devil would run through all the degrees of form and ceremony, that lead one up to the last favour, if it were not for the reputation of understanding the nearest way to get over the difficulty? Lord Mor. But, my lord, does not the reputation of your being so general an undertaker frighten the women from engaging with you? For, they say, no man can love but one at a time. Lord Fop. That's just one more than ever I came up to for, stop my breath, if ever I loved in my life! Lord Mor. How do you get them, then? Lord Fop. Why, sometimes, as they get other people I dress, and let them get me; or, if that won't do, as I got my title, I buy them. Lord Mor. But, how can you, that profess indifference, think it worth your while to come so often up to the price of a woman of quality? Lord Fop. Because, you must know, my lord, that most of them begin, now, to come down to reason; I mean those that are to be had; for some die fools: but, with the wiser sort, 'tis not. of late, so very expensive; now and then, a partie quarré, a jaunt or two in a hack to an Indian house, a little china, an odd thing for a gown, or so; and, in three days after, you meet her at the conveniency of trying it chez Mademoiselle ď Epingle. Sir Cha. Aye, aye, my lord; and when you are there, you know, what between a little chat, a dish of tea, mademoiselle's good humour, and a petit chanson or two, the devil's in't if a man can't fool away the time, 'till he sees how it looks upon her by candle-light. Lord Fop. Heh! heh! well said, Charles; egad, I fancy thee and I have un!aced many a reputation there! Your great lady is as soon undressed as her woman Lord Mor. I could never find it so the shame or scandal of a repulse always made me afraid of attempting women of condition. Sir Cha. Ha, ha! egad, my lord, you deserve to be ill used; your modesty's enough to spoil any woman in the world. But my lord and I understand the sex a little better; we see plainly, that women are only cold, as some men are brave, from the modesty or fear of those that attack them. Lord Fop. Right, Charles—a man should no more give up his heart to a woman, than his sword to a bully; they are both as insolent as the devil after it. Sir Cha. How do you like that, my lord? Aside to LORD MORELOVE. Lord Mor. Faith, I envy him!-But, my lord, suppose your inclination should stumble upon a woman truly virtuous, would not a severe repulse from such an one put you strangely out of countenance? Lord Fop. Not at all, my lord-for, if a man don't mind a box o' the ear in a fair struggle with a fresh country girl, why the deuce should he be concerned at an impertinent frown for an attack upon a woman of quality? Lord Mor. Then, you have no notion of a lady's cruelty? Lord Fop. Ha, ha! let me blood, if I think there's a greater jest in nature! I am ready to crack my guts with laughing, to see a senseless flirt, because the creature happens to have a little pride, that she calls virtue, about her, give herself all the insolent airs of resentment and disdain to an honest fellow, that, all the while, does not care three pinches of snuff if she and her virtue were to run, with their last favours, through the first regiment of guards!—Ha, ha! it puts me in mind of an affair of mine, so impertinent! Lord Mor. Oh, that's impossible, my lord!— Pray, let's hear it. Lord Fop. Why, I happened once to be very well in a certain man of quality's family, and his wife liked me! Lord Mor. How do you know she liked you? Lord Fop. Why, from the very moment I told her I liked her, she never durst trust herself at the end of a room with me. Lord Mor. That might be her not liking you. Lord Fop. My lord-Women of quality don't use to speak the thing plain-but, to satisfy you I did not want encouragement, I never came there in my life, but she did immediately smile, and borrow my snuff-box. Lord Mor. She liked your snuff, at least-Well, but how did she use you? Lord Fop. By all that's infamous, she jilted me! Lord Mor. How! Jilt you? Lord Fop. Ay, death's curse, she jilted me! Lord Fop. For, when I was pretty well convinced she had a mind to me, I one day made her a hint of an appointment: upon which, with an insolent frown in her face (that made her look as ugly as the devil,) she told me, that, if ever I came thither again, her lord should know that she had forbidden me the house before. Did you ever hear of such a slut? Sir Cha. Intolerable! Lord Mor. But, how did her answer agree with you? Lord Fop. Oh, passionately well! for I stared full in her face, and burst out a laughing; at which, she turned upon her heel, and gave a crack with her fan, like a coach-whip, and bridled out of the room with the air and complexion of an incensed Turkey-cock. [A servant whispers SIR CHARLES. Lord Mor. What did you, then? SCENE I.-Continues. up the sash, and fell a singing out of the window -so that, you see, my lord, while a man is not in love, there's no great affliction in missing one's way to a woman. Sir Cha. Aye, aye, you talk this very well, my lord; but, now, let's see how you dare behave yourself upon action-dinner's served, and the ladies stay for us-There's one within, has been too hard for as brisk a man as yourself. Lord Mor. I guess who you mean-Have a care, my lord; she'll prove your courage for you. Lord Fop. Will she? then she's an undone creature. For, let me tell you, gentlemen, courage is the whole mystery of making love, and of more use than conduct is in war; for the bravest fellow in Europe may beat his brains out against the stubborn walls of a town-But -Women, born to be controlled, Stoop to the forward, and the bold. [Exeunt. ACT III. Enter LORD MORELOVE, and SIR CHARLES. Lord Mor. So! Did not I bear up bravely? Sir Cha. Admirably! with the best bred insolence in nature; you insulted like a woman of quality, when her country-bred husband's jealous of her in the wrong place. Lord Mor. Ha, ha! Did you observe, when I first came into the room, how carelessly she brushed her eyes over me; and, when the company saluted me, stood all the while with her face to the window? ha, ha! Sir Cha. What astonished airs she gave herself, when you asked her, what made her so grave upon her old friends! Lord Mor. And, whenever I offered any thing in talk, what affected care she took to direct her observations of it to a third person! Sir Cha. I observed she did not eat above the rump of a pigeon all dinner time. Lord Mor. And how she coloured when I told her her ladyship had lost her stomach ! Sir Cha. If you keep your temper, she's un done. Lord Mor. Provided she sticks to her pride, I believe I may. Sir Cha. Aye! never fear her; I warrant, in the humour she is in, she would as soon part with her sense of feeling. Lord Mor. Well, what's to be done next? Sir Cha. Only observe her motions: for, by her behaviour at dinner, I am sure she designs to gall you with my lord Foppington: if so, you must even stand her fire, and then play my lady Graveairs upon her, whom I'll immediately pique, and prepare for your purpose. Lord Mor. I understand you—the proper est woman in the world, too: for, she'll certainly encourage the least offer from me, in hopes of revenging her slights upon you. Sir Cha. Right; and the very encouragement she gives you, at the same time, will give me a pretence to widen the breach of my quarrel with her. Lord Mor. Besides, Charles, I own I am fond of any attempt that will forward a misunderstanding there, for your lady's sake. A woman, so truly good in her nature, ought to have something more from a man, than bare occasions to prove her goodness. Sir Cha. Why, then, upon honour, my lord, to give you proof that I am positively the best husband in the world, my wife never yet found me out. Lord Mor. That may be, by her being the best wife in the world: she, may be, won't find you out. Sir Cha. Nay, if she won't tell a man of his faults, when she sees them, how the deuce should he mend them? But, however, you see I am going to leave them off as fast as I can. Lord Mor. Being tired of a woman, is, indeed, a pretty tolerable assurance of a man's not designing to fool on with her-Here she comes; and, if I don't mistake, brimful of reproachesYou can't take her in a better time—I'll leave you. Enter LADY GRAVEAIRS. Your ladyship's most humble servant. Is the company broke up, pray? Lady Grave. No, my lord, they are talking of basset; my lord Foppington has a mind to tally, if your lordship would encourage the table. Lord Mor. Oh, madam, with all my heart! |