SCENE I. ACT V. Enter MIRANDA, PATCH, and SCENTWELL. Mir. WELL, Patch, I have done a strange bold thing; my fate is determined, and expectation is no more. Now, to avoid the impertinence and roguery of an old man, I have thrown myself into the extravagance of a young one if he should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no remedy from a husband but the grave; and that's a terrible sanctuary to one of my age and constitution. Patch. O! fear not, madam; you'll find your account in sir George Airy; it is impossible a man of sense should use a woman ill, endued with beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's fault, if she does not wear the unfashionable name of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and good humour is requisite on either side to make them happy. Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest any accident should bring my guardian back. Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little casket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us march off to sir Jealous's. Scent. It shall be done, madam. [Exit SCENT. Patch. Sir George will be impatient, madam. If their plot succeeds, we shall be well received; if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I long to know how my young lady fares. Mir. The wench is a fool, I think! could you not have carried it to be mended without putting it in the box? Sir Fran. What's the matter? Mir. Only, dearee! I bid her, I bid herYour ill usage has put every thing out of my head. But won't you go, Gardy, and find out these fellows, and have them punished?—and, and Sir Fran. Where should I look for them, child? no, I'll sit me down contented with my safety, nor stir out of my own doors till I go with thee to a parson. Mir. [Aside.] If he goes into his closet I am ruined. Oh bless me! in this fright I had forgot Mrs Patch. Patch. Aye, madam; and I stay for your speedy answer. Mir. [Aside.] I must get him out of the house. Now, assist me, Fortune! Sir Fran. Mrs Patch! I profess I did not see you: how dost thou do, Mrs Patch? Well, don't you repent leaving my Chargy? Patch. Yes, every body inust love her-but I come now- -Madam, what did I come for? my invention is at the last ebb. [Aside to MIRANDA, Sir Fran. Nay, never whisper; tell me. Mir. She came, dear Gardy! to invite me to her lady's wedding, and you shall go with me, Gardy; 'tis to be done this moment, to a SpaInish merchant. Old sir Jealous keeps on his humour; the first minute he sees her, the next he marries her. Mir. Farewell old Mammon, and thy detested walls! 'Twill be no more sweet sir Francis! shall be compelled the odious task of dissembling no longer to get my own, and coax him with the wheedling names of my precious, my dear, dear Gardy! O Heavens! Enter SIR FRANCIS behind. Sir Fran. Ah, ny sweet Chargy! don't be frighted [She starts] but thy poor Gardy has been abused, cheated, fooled, betrayed; but nobody knows by whom. Mir. Undone, past redemption! [Aside]. Sir Fran. What! won't you speak to me, Chargy? Mir. I am so surprised with joy to see know not what to say. you, I Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'd go, if I thought the sight of matrimony would tempt Chargy to perform her promise. There was a smile! there was a consenting look, with those pretty twinklers, worth a million! Ods-precious! I am happier than the Great Mogul, the emperor of China, or all the potentates that are not in wars.Speak, confirm it, make me leap out of my skin! Mir. When one has resolved, 'tis in vain to stand shilly-shally. If ever I marry, positively this is my wedding-day. Sir Fran. Oh! happy, happy man! Verily I will beget a son the first night shall disinherit that dog, Charles. I have estate enough to purchase a barony, and be the immortalizing the whole fa Sir Fran. Poor dear girl! But do you know that my son, or some such rogue, to rob or murder me, or both, contrived this journey? for, up-mily of the Gripes. on the road, I met my neighbour Squeezum well, and coming to town. Mir. Good lack! good lack! what tricks are there in this world! Enter SCENTWELL, with a diamond necklace in Mir. Come, then, Gardy; give me thy hand; let's to this house of Hymen. My choice is fixed, let good or ill betide. [Exeunt. Enter SIR JEALOUS, meeting a Servant. Serv. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen inquire 3 Y for you; one of them calls himself Signior Diego Babinetto. Sir Jeal. Ha! Signior Babinetto! admit them instantly-joyful minute! I'll have my daughter married to-night. Enter CHARLES in a Spanish habit, with SIR GEORGE, dressed like a merchant. Senhor, beso las manos: vuestra merced es muy bien venido en esta tierra. Cha. Senhor, soy muy humilde, y muy obligado cryado de vuestra merced: mi padre embia a vuestra merced, los mas profondos de sus respetos; y a commissionado este mercadel Ingles, de concluyr un negocio, que me haze el mas dichoss hombre del mundo, haziendo me su yerno. Sir Jeal. I am glad on't, for I find I have lost much of my Spanish. Sir, I am your most humble servant. Signior Don Diego Babinetto has informed me that you are commissioned by signior Don Pedro, &c. his worthy father Sir Geo. To see an affair of marriage consummated between a daughter of your's and signior Diego Babinetto his son here. True, sir, such a trust is reposed in me, as that letter will inform you. I hope, 'twill pass upon him.[Aside.] [Gives him a letter. Sir Jeal. Aye, 'tis his hand. [Seems to read. Sir Geo. Good; you have counterfeited to a nicety, Charles. [Aside to CHARLES. Cha. If the whole plot succeeds as well, I'm happy. Sir Jeal. Sir, I find by this that you are a man of honour and probity; I think, sir, he calls you Meanwell? Sir Geo. Meanwell is my name, sir. Sir Jeal. A very good name, and very significant. Cha. Yes, faith, if he knew all. [Aside. Sir Jeal. For, to mean well, is to be honest; and to he honest, is the virtue of a friend; and a friend is the delight and support of human society. Sir Geo. You shall find that I'll discharge the part of a friend in what I have undertaken, sir Jealous. Cha. But little does he think to whom. [Aside. Sir Geo. Therefore, sir, I must entreat the presence of your fair daughter, and the assistance of your chaplain; for signior Don Pedro strictly enjoined me to see the marriage rites performed as soon as we should arrive, to avoid the accidental overtures of Venus. Sir Jeal. Overtures of Venus! Sir Geo. Aye, sir; that is, those little hawking females that traverse the Park and the playhouse to put off their damaged ware-they fasten upon foreigners like leeches, and watch their arrival as carefully as the Kentish men do a shipwreck I warrant you they have heard of him already. Cha. Oh, the devil! [Aside. Sir Jeal. In order to lodge it in some of our funds, in case she should become a widow, and return for England Sir Geo. Pox on't, this is an unlucky turn!What shall I say? [Aside. Sir Jeal. And he does not mention one word of it in this letter. Cha. I don't know how he should. [Aside. Sir Geo. Humph! True, sir Jealous, he told me such a thing, but, but, but, but-he, he, he— he did not imagine that you would insist upon the very day; for, for, for, for money, you know, is dangerous returning by sea, an, an, an, an Cha. Zounds! say we have brought it in commodities. [Aside to SIR GEORGE. Sir Geo. And so, sir, he has sent it in merchandize, tobacco, sugars, spices, lemons, and so forth, which shall be turned into money with all expedition: in the mean time, sir, if you please to accept of my bond for performance Sir Jeal. It is enough, sir; I am so pleased with the countenance of signior Diego, and the harmony of your name, that I'll take your word, and will fetch my daughter this moment. With in there. Isa. Oh! hear me, sir; hear me but speak | now, and the whole when I die, but provided she one word: [Kneels. For ever will I hang upon these knees, Cha. Oh! that I could discover myself to her! [Aside. Sir Geo. Have a care what you do you had better trust to his obstinacy. [Aside. Sir Jeal. Did you ever see such a perverse slut? Off, I say. Mr Meanwell, pray help me a little. Sir Geo. Rise, madam, and do not disoblige your father, who has provided a husband worthy of you; one that will love you equal with his soul, and one that you will love, when once you know him. Isa. Oh! never, never! Could I suspect that falsehood in my heart, Cha. Oh! my charming, faithful dear! [Aside. Sir Jeal. Falsehood! why, who the devil are you in love with? Don't provoke me; for, by St Iago, I shall beat you, housewife. Cha, Heaven forbid! for I shall infallibly discover myself if he should. Sir Geo. Have patience, madam, and look at him: why will ye prepossess yourself against a man, that is master of all the charms you would desire in a husband. Sir Jeal. Ay, look at him, Isabinda. Senhor pase vind adelante. Cha. My heart bleeds to see her grieve, whom I imagined would with joy receive me. Senhora obligue me vuestra merced de sa mano. Sir Jeal. [Pulling up her head.] Hold up your head, hold up your head, hussy, and look at him. Is there a properer, handsomer, better shaped, fellow in England, ye jade you? Ha! see, see the obstinate baggage shuts her eyes; by St Iago I have a good mind to beat them out. [Pushes her down. Isab. Do then, sir, kill me; kill me instantly; "Tis much the kinder action of the two, For 'twill be worse than death to wed him. Sir Geo. Sir Jealous, you are too passionate. Give me leave; I'll try, by gentle words, to work her to your purpose. Sir Jeal. I pray do, Mr Meanwell, I pray do; she'll break my heart. [Weeps.] There is, in that, jewels of the value of three thousand pounds, which were her mother's; and a paper, wherein I have settled one half of my estate upon her marries this gentleman; else by St Iago I'll turn her out of doors to beg or starve. Tell her this, Mr Meanwell; pray do. [Walks off Sir Geo. Ha! this is beyond expectationTrust to me, sir; I'll lay the dangerous consequence of disobeying you at this juncture before hier, I warrant you. Cha. A sudden joy runs through my heart, like a propitious omen. [Aside. Sir Geo. Come, madam, do not blindly cast your life away, just in the moment you would wish to save it. Isa. Pray, cease your trouble, sir; I have no wish but sudden death to free me from this hated Spaniard. If you are his friend, inform him what I say; my heart is given to another youth, whom I love with the same strength of passion that I hate this Diego, with whom, if I am forced to wed, my own hand shall cut the Gordian knot. Sir Geo. Suppose this Spaniard, whom you strive to shun, should be the very man to whom you'd fly? Isa. Ha! Sir Geo. Would you not blame your rash resolve, and curse your eyes that would not look on Charles? Isa. On Charles? Oh! you have inspired new life, and collected every wandering sense. Where is he? Oh! let me fly into his arms. [Rises. Sir Geo. Hold, hold, hold! 'Sdeath! madam, you'll ruin all! Your father believes him to be signior Babinetto. Compose yourself a little, pray, madam. [He runs to SIR JEALOUS. Cha. Her eyes declare she knows mne. [Aside. Sir Geo. She begins to hear reason, sir; the fear of being turned out of doors has done it. [Runs back to ISABINDA. Isa. 'Tis he! Oh, my ravished soul! Sir Geo. Take heed, madam, you don't betray yourself. Seem with reluctance to consent, or you are undone. [Runs to SIR JEALOUS.Speak gently to her, sir; I'm sure she'll yield; I see it in her face. Sir Jeal. Well, Isabinda, can you refuse to bless a father, whose only care is to make you happy, as Mr Meanwell has informed you? Come, wipe thy eyes; nay, prithee, do, or thou wilt break thy father's heart. See, thou bring'st the tears in mine, to think of thy undutiful carriage to me. [Weeps. Isa. Oh, do not weep, sir! your tears are like a poignard to my soul. Do with me what you please; I am all obedience. Sir Jeal. Ha! then thou art my child again. Sir Geo. 'Tis done; and now, friend, the day's thy own. Cha. The happiest of my life, if nothing inter SCENE III.—Changes to the inside of the house. Enter MARPLOT and servant. Ser. Sir, please to stay here; I'll send my master to you, [Exit, Mar. So, this was a good contrivance. If this be Charles now, he will wonder how I found him out. Enter servant and SIR JEALOUS. Sir Jeal. What is your earnest business, blockhead, that you must speak with me before the ceremony's past? Ha! who's this? Ser. Why, this gentleman, sir, wants another gentleman in a Spanish habit, he says. Sir Jeal. In a Spanish habit! 'tis some friend of signior Don Diego's, I warrant. Sir, your ser vant. Mar. Your servant, sir. Sir Jeal. I suppose you would speak with signior Babinetto. Mar. Sir! Sir Jeal. I say, I suppose you would speak with signior Babinetto. Mar. Hey day! What the devil does he say now? Sir, I don't understand you. Sir Jeal. Don't you understand Spanish, sir? Mar. Not I, indeed, sir. Sir Jeal. I thought you had known signior Babinetto. Mar. Not I, upon my word, sir. Sir Jeal. What then, you'd speak with his Enter a servant of SIR JEALOUS's to him, out of friend, the English merchant, Mr Meanwell? the house. Hark'e, sir, do you belong to this house? Ser. Yes, sir. Mar. Isn't your name Richard! Ser. No, sir, Thomas. Mar. Neither, sir, not I; I don't mean any such thing. Sir Jeal. Why, who are you, then, sir? And what do you want? [In an angry tone. Mar. Nay, nothing at all; not I, sir. Pox on Mar. Oh, aye, Thomas-Well, Thomas, him! I wish I were out; he begins to exalt his there's a shilling for you. Ser. Thank you, sir. Mar. Pray, Thomas, can you tell if there be a gentleman in it in a Spanish habit? Ser. There's a Spanish gentleman within, that is just a-going to marry my young lady, sir. Mar. Are you sure he is a Spanish gentleman? Ser. I'm sure he speaks no English that I hear of. Mar. Then that cannot be him I want; for 'tis an English gentleman that I inquire after; he may be dressed like a Spaniard, for aught I know. Ser. Ha! Who knows but this may be an impostor? I'll inform my master; for, if he should be imposed upon, he'll beat us all round.-[Aside.] -Pray, come in, sir, and see if this be the person you inquire for. Mar. Aye, I'll follow you- -Now for't. [Exeunt. voice; I shall be beaten again. Sir Jeal. Nothing at all, sir! Why, then, what business have you in my house? ha! Ser. You said you wanted a gentleman in a Spanish habit. Mar. Why, aye; but his name is neither Babinetto nor Meanwell. Sir Jeal. What is his name, then, sirrah? Ha! Now I look at you again, I believe you are the rogue that threatened me with half-a-dozen myrmidons Mar. Me, sir! I never saw your face in all my life, before. Sir Jeal, Speak, sir, who is it you look for? or, or Mar. A terrible old dog! Why, sir, only an honest young fellow of my acquaintance—I thought that here might be a ball, and that he might have been here in masquerade. Tis Charles, sir Francis Gripe's son, because I knew he used to come hither sometimes, Sir Jeal. Did he so? not that I know of, I'm sure. Pray Heaven that this be Don Diego-If I should be tricked now-Ha! my heart misgives me plaguily-Within there! stop the marriageRun, sirrah; call all my servants! I'll be satisfied that this is signior Pedro's son, ere he has my daughter. Mar. Ha! Sir George! What have I done, now? Enter SIR GEORGE, with a drawn sword, between the scenes. Sir Geo. Ha! Marplot here-oh, the unlucky dog!-What's the matter, sir Jealous? Sir Jeal. Nay, I don't know the matter, Mr Meanwell. Mar. Upon my soul, sir George [Going up to SIR GEORGE. Sir Jeal. Nay, then, I'm betrayed, ruined, undone! Thieves, traitors, rogues!-[Offers to go in.]-Stop the marriage, I say Sir Geo. I say, go on, Mr Tackum. Nay, no entering here; I guard this passage, old gentleman: the act and deed were both your own, and I'll see them signed, or die for't. Enter Servant. Sir Jeal. A pox on the act and deed! Fall on, knock him down. Sir Geo. Aye, come on, scoundrels! I'll prick your jackets for you. Sir Jeal. Zounds! sirrah, I'll be revenged on you. [Beats MARPLOT. Sir Geo. Aye, there your vengeance is due. Ha, ha, ha! Mar. Why, what do you beat me for? I han't married your daughter. Sir Jeal. Rascals! Why don't you knock him down? Ser. We are afraid of his sword, sir; if you'll | take that from him, we'll knock him down presently. Enter CHARLES and ISABINDA. Sir Jeal. Seize her, then! Cha. Rascals! retire; she's my wife; touch her if you dare; I'll make dog's meat of you. Mar. Aye, I'll make dog's meat of you, rascals! Sir Jeal. Ah! downright English---Oh, oh, oh, oh! Sir Jeal. No, you don't know your son, there, in a Spanish habit? Sir Fran. How! my son in a Spanish habit! Sirrah, you'll come to be hanged. Get out of sight, ye dog! get out of my sight! Sir Jeal. Get out of your sight, sir! get out with your bags. Let's see what you'll give him now, to maintain my daughter on. Sir Fran. Give him! he shall never be the better for a penny of mine-and you might have looked after your daughter better, sir Jealous.Tricked, quotha! Egad, I think you designed to trick me: but, look ye, gentlemen, I believe I shall trick you both. This lady is my wife, do you see, and my estate shall descend only to the heirs of her body. Sir Geo. Lawfully begotten by me—I shall be Extremely obliged to you, sir Francis. Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Poor sir George! You see your prospect was of no use; does not your hundred pound stick in your stomach? Ha, ha, ha! Sir Geo. No, faith, sir Francis; this lady has given me a cordial for that. [Takes her by the hand. Sir Fran. Hold, sir, you have nothing to say to this lady. sir. Sir Geo. Nor you nothing to do with my wife, Sir Fran. He shall starve first. Mir. That I have taken care to prevent.— There, sir, are the writings of your uncle's estate, which have been your due these three years. [Gives CHARLES papers. Cha. I shall study to deserve this favour. Mar. Now, how the devil could she get those writings, and I know nothing of it! Sir Fran. What, have you robbed me too, mistress! Egad, I'll make you restore them— hussy, I will so. Sir Jeal. Take care I don't make you pay the Enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE, MIRANDA, PATCH, arrears, sir. 'Tis well 'tis no worse, since 'tis no SCENTWELL, and WHISPER. Sir Fran. Into the house of joy we enter, without knocking-Ha! I think 'tis the house of sorrow, sir Jealous. Sir Jeal. Oh, sir Francis, are you come? what! was this your contrivance, to abuse, trick, and chouse me out of my child? Sir Fran. My contrivance! What do you mean? better. Come, young man, seeing thou hast out- Mar. Do, Gardy, do. [Exit SIR FRANCIS. |