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Abi. What, you sot ! are you grown pot-va-could withstand him-Bat, when you were seen liant?
by my lady in your proper person, after she had Gard. Frightened with a drum ! that's a good taken a full survey of you, and heard all the one! It will do us no harm, I'll answer for it: pretty things you could say, she very civilly disit will bring no blood-shed along with it, take my missed you for the sake of this empty, noisy creaword. It sounds as like a train-band druin as ture, Tinsel. She fancies you have been gone ever I heard in my life.
from hence this fortnight. But. Pr'ythee, Peter, don't be so presumptu Fan. Why, really, I love thy lady so well, that,
though I had no hopes of gaining her for myself, Abi. Well, these drunken rogues take it as I | I could not bear to see her given to another, ese could wish.
(Aside. pecially such a wretch as Tinsel. Gurd. I scorn to be frightened, now I am in Abi. Well, tell me truly, Mr Fantome, have for't ; if old dub-a-dub come into the room, I not you a great opinion of my fidelity to my dear would take him
lady, that I would not sutter her to be deluded But. Prithee, bold thy tongue.
in this manner for less than a thousand pounds ? Gard. I would take him
Fan. Thou art always reminding me of my pro[The drum beats: the Gardener endeavours mise—thou shalt have it, if thou canst bring our to get off, and falls.
project to bear: dost not know, that stories of But. Coach. Speak to it, Mrs Abigail ! ghosts and apparitions generally end in a pot of Gurd. Spare my life, and take all I have!
money? Coach. Make off, make off, good butler, and Abi. Why, truly, now, Mr Fantome, I should let us go hide ourselves in the cellar.
think myself a very bad woman, if I had done
[They all run off what I do for a farthing less. Abi. So, now the coast is clear, I may venture Fon. Dear Abigail, how I admire thy virtue ! to call out my drummer-But first, let me shut Abi. No, no, Mr Fantome; I defy the worst of the door, lest we be surprised. Mr Fantome! my enemies to say I love mischief for mischief's Mr Fantome He beats }-Nay, nay, pray sake. come out: the enemy's fled-I must speak Fan. But is thy lady persuaded that I'm the with you immediately, -Don't stay to beat a ghost of her deceased brusband parley,
Abi. I endeavour to make her believe so: and [The back scene opens, and discovers Fan. tell her, every time your drum rattles, that her TOME with a drum.
husband is chiding her for entertaining this new Fan. Dear Mrs Nabby, I have overheard all lover. that has been said, and find thou hast managed Fan. Prithee, make use of all thy art: for l'in this thing so well, that I could take thee in my tired to death with strolling round this wide old arms and kiss thee-If my drum did not stand house, like a rat behind the wainscoat. in my way
Abi. Did not I tell you, 'twas the purest place Abi. Well
, o' my conscience, you are the mer- in the world for you to play your tricks in ? riest ghost ! and the very picture of sir George There's none of the family that knows every hole Truman.
and corner in it, besides myself. Fan. There you flatter me, Mrs Abigail : sir Fan. Ah, Mrs Abigail ! You have had your George had that freshness in his looks, that we intriguesmen of the town cannot come up to.
Abi. For, you must know, when I was a rompAbi. Oh, death may have altered you, you ing young girl, I was a mighty lover of hide and know-Besides, you must consider, you lost a seek. great deal of blood in the battle.
Fan. I believe, by this time, I am as well acFan. Aye, that's right; let me look never so quainted with the house as yourself. pale, this cut cross my forehead will keep me in Abi. You are very much inistaken, Mr Fancountenance.
tome: but no matter for that; here is to be your Abi. 'Tis just such a one as my master received station to-night. This place is unknown to any from a cursed French trooper, as my lady's letter one living, besides myself, since the death of the informed her.
joiner, who, you must understand, being a lover Fan. It happens luckily, that this suit of of mine, contrived the wainscoat to move to and clothes of sir George's fits me so well I think fro, in the manner that you find it. I designed I cannot fail hitting the air of a man with whom it for a wardrobe for my lady's clothes. Oh, the I was so long acquainted.
stomachers, stays, petticoats, commodes, laced Abi. You are the very man-I vow I alınost shoes, and good things, that I have had in it! start, when I look upon you.
Pray, take care you don't break the cherry branFan. But what good will this do me, if I must dy bottle, that stands up in the corner. remain invisible ?
Fan. Well, Mrs Abigail, I hire your closet of Abi. Pray, what good did your being visible do you but for this one night-A thousand pounds you? The fair Mr Fantome thought no woman you know, is a very good rent.
Abi. Well, get you gone: you have such a way I for once, if it be but to see what this wench with you, there's no denying you any thing. drives at.
[ Aside. Fan. I am thinking how Tinsel will stare, when Abi. Why, suppose your husband, after this he sees me come out of the wall; for I am re- fair warning he has given you, should sound you solved to make my appearance to-night.
an alarm at midnight; then open your curtains Abi. Get you in, get you in; my lady's at the with a face as pale as my apron, and cry out door.
with a bollow voice-What dost thou do in bed Fun. Pray, take care she does not keep me up with this spindle-shanked fellow? so late as she did last night, or, depend upon it, Lady True. Why wilt thou needs have it to be I'll beat the tattoo.
my husband ? He never had any reason to be ofAbi. I'm undone, I'm undone !--[As he is go- fended at me. I always loved him while be was ing in.)-Mr Fantome! Mr Fantome! Have living; and should prefer him to any man, were you put the thousand pound bond into my bro he so still. Mr Tinsel is, indeed, very idle in his ther's hand?
talk: but I fancy, Abigail, a discreet woman Fan. Thou shalt have it; I tell thee, thou might reform him. shalt have it.
Abi. That's a likely matter, indeed! Did you
[FANTOME goes in. ever hear of a woman who had power over a Abi. No more words—Vanish, vanish! man when she was his wife, that had none while
she was his mistress? Oh, there's nothing in the Enter LADY TRUEMAN.
world improves a man in his complaisance like Abi. [Opening the door.}-Oh, dear madam, marriage ! was it you that made such a knocking? My heart Lady True. He is, indeed, at present, too fadoes so beat_I vow you have frighted me to miliar in his conversation. death--I thought, verily, it had been the drum Abi. Familiar, madam! in troth, he's down
right rude. Lady True. I have been shewing the garden to Lady True. But that, you know, Abigail, Mr Tinsel : he's most insufferably witty upon us, shews he has no dissimulation in him—Then about this story of the drum.
he is apt to jest a little too much upon grave Abi. Indeed, madam, he's a very loose man : subjects. I'm afraid 'tis he that hinders my poor master Åbi. Grave subjects ! He jests upon the from resting in his grave.
church. Lady True. Well, an infidel is such a novelty Lady True. You talk as if you hated him. in the country, that I am resolved to divert my Abi. You talk as if you loved him. self a day or two, at least, with the oddness of Lady True. Hold your tongue; here he comes. bis conversation.
Enter TINSEL. Abi. Ah, madam, the drum began to beat in the house, as soon as ever that creature was ad Tin. My dear widow ! mitted to visit you.
All the while Mr Fantome Abi. My dear widow ! Marry come up! made his addresses to you, there was not a mouse
[ Aside. stirring in the family, more than used to be Lady True. Let him alone, Abigail; so long
Ludy True. This baggage has some design up as he does not call me my dear wife, there's no on me, more than I can yet discover:-[Aside.] – harm done. Mr Fantome was always thy favourite.
Tin. I have been most ridiculously diverted Abi. Aye, and should have been yours, too, by since I left you—_Your servants bave made a my consent. Mr Fantome was not such a slight convert of my booby : his head is so filled with fantastic thing as this is—Mr Fantome was the this foolish story of a drummer, that I expect the best built man one should see in a summer's day! rogue will be afraid hereafter to go a message by Mr Fantome was a man of honour, and loved | moon-light. you. Poor soul ! how has he sighed, when he has Lady True. Aye, Mr Tinsel, what a loss of talked to me of my hard-hearted lady. Well, I billet-doux would that be to many a fine lady! had as lief as a thousand pounds, you would mar Abi. Then you still believe this to be a foolish ry Mr Fantome.
story? I thought my lady had told you, that she Lady True. To tell thee truly, I loved him had heard it herself. well enough, till he loved one so much. But Mr Tin. Ha, ha, ha! Tinsel makes his court to me with so much ne Abi. Why, you would not persuade us out of glect and indifference, and with such an agree- our senses? able sauciness-Not that I say I'll marry him. Tin. Ha, ha, ha!
Abi. Marry him, quotha ! No-if you should, Abi. There's manners for you, madam! you'll be awakened sooner than married couples
Aside. generally are You'll quickly have a drum at Lady True. Admirably rallied ! That" laugh your window.
was unanswerable! Now, I'll be hanged if you Lady True. I'll hide my contempt of Tinsel could forbear being witty upon me, if I should
tell you I heard it no longer ago than last night. cure you at once. Oh, we'd pass all our time in Tin. Fancy !
London. 'Tis the scene of pleasure and diverLady True. But what if I should tell you my sions, where there's something to amuse vou maid was with me?
every hour of the day. Lite's not life in the Tin. Vapours, vapours ! Pray, my dear widow, country. will you answer me one question? Had you ever Lady True. Well, then, you have an opportuthis noise of a drum in your head, all the while nity of shewing the sincerity of that love to me your husband was living? Believe me, madam, I which you profess. You may give a proof that could prescribe you a cure for these imagina. you have an affection comy person, not my jointions.
Abi. Don't tell my lady of imaginations, sir; I Tin. Your jointure! How can you think ine have heard it myself.
such a dog? But, child, won't your jointure be Tin. Hark thee, child--Art thou an old the same thing in London, as in the country? maid?
Lady I'rue. No; you're deceived. You must Abi. Sir, if I am, it is my own fault.
know it is settled on me by marriage articles, on Tin. Whims! Freaks! Megrims! indeed, Mrs condition that I live in this old mansion-house, Abigail.
and keep it up in repair. Abi. Marry, sir, by your talk, one would be Tp. How! lieve you thought every thing that was good is a Abi. That's well put, madam. m
Tin. Why, faith, I have been looking upon Lady True. Though you give no credit to sto- this house, and think it is the prettiest habitation ries of apparitions, I hope you believe there are I ever saw in my life. such things as spirits ?
Lady True. Aye, but then this cruel drum! Tin. Simplicity!
Tin. Something so venerable in it! Abi. I fancy you don't believe women have Lady True. Aye, but the drum! souls, d'ye, sir?
Tin. For my part, I like this Gothic way of Tin. Foolish enough! But where's this ghost ? building better than any of your new orders this son of a whore of a drummer? I'd fain hear it would be a thousand pities it should fall to him, methinks.
ruin. Abi. Pray, madam, don't suffer him to give the Lady True. Aye, but the drum! ghost such ill language, especially when you have Tin. How pleasantly we two could pass our reason to believe it is my master.
time in this delicious situation ! Our lives would Tin. That's well enough, faith, Nab; dost be a continued dream of happiness. Come, thou think thy master so unreasonable, as to faith, widow, let's go upon the leads, and take a continue his claim to his relict after his bones view of the country. are laid? Pray, widow, remember the words of Lady True. Aye, but the drum! the drum! your contract-you have fulfilled them to a tittle Tin. My dear, take my word for it, 'tis all -Did not you marry sir George to the tune of fancy: besides, should he drum in thy very bedTill death us do part?
chamber, I should only hug thee the closer. Lady True. I must not hear sir George's memory treated in so slight a manner.
Clasped in the folds of love, I'd meet my doom, Tin. Give me but possession of your person,
And act my joys, thoagh thunder shook the and I'll whirl you up to town for a winter, and
in a black cloak, enquires after you, give him SCENE I.-Opens and discovers Vellum in his
admittance. He passes for a conjurer, but is office, and a letter in his hand.
really Vel. This letter astonisheth; may I believe
* Your faithful friend, my own eyesmor rather my spectacles-To
• G. TRUEMAN. Humphrey Vellum, esq. steward to the lady "P.S. Let this be a secret, and you shall find Trueman.
your account in it.'
This amazeth me! and vet the reasons why I * VELLUM,
should believe he is still living are manifold'I doubt not but you will be glad to hear your First, because this has otien been ihe case of master is alive, and designs to be with you in other military adventurers. Secondly, because
half an hour. The report of my being slain in this news of his death was first published in • the Netherlands, has, I find, produced some Dyer's Letter. Thirdly, because this letter can
disorders in my family. I am now at the be written by none but himself-I know his * George Inn. It' an old man with a grey beard, hand, and manner of spelling. Fourthly
Vel. He is gay.
Vel. There is a real grief, and there is a me
thodical grief: she was drowned in tears till But. Sir, here's a strange old gentleman that such time as the tailor had made her widow's asks for you; he says he's a coujurer, but he weeds Indeed, they became her. looks very suspicious; I wish be ben't a Jesuit. Sir Geo. Became her! and was that her comVel. Admit him immediately,
fort? Truly, a most seasonable consolation! But. I wish he ben't a Jesuit; but he says Vel. I must needs say she paid a due regard he's nothing but a conjurer.
to your memory, and could not forbear weeping Vel. He says right-He is no more than a
when she saw company: conjurer. Bring himn in, and withdraw. [Erit Sir Geo. That was kind, indeed! I find she Butler.)—And fourthlye as I was saying, be- grieved with a great deal of good breeding. But
how comes this gang of lovers about her?
Vel. Her jointure is considerable.
Sir Geo. How this fool torments me!
(Aside. devilish long beard he has ! I narrant it has been Vel. Her person is amiable. growing these hundred years. [Aside. Erit. Sir Geo. Death !
[Aside. Sir Geo. Dear Vellum, you have received my Vel. But her character is unblemished. She letter : but, before we proceed, lock the door. has been as virtuous in your absence as a PeVel. It is his voice.
[Shuts the door. nelope Sir Geo. In next place, help me off with Sir Geo. And has had as many suitors ? this cumbersome cloak.
Vel. Several have made their overtures. Vel. It is his shape.
Sir Geo. Several ! Sir Geo. So; now, lay my beard upon
Vel. But she has rejected all. ble.
Sir Geo. There thou revivest me! But what Vel. (After having looked on Sir GEORGE means this Tinsel ? Are his visits acceptable? through his spectacles.] It is his face, every line
Vel. He is young. ament !
Sir Geo. Does she listen to him? Sir Geo. Well, now I have put off the conjurer and the old man, I can talk to thee more at Sir Geo. Sure she could never entertain a my ease.
thought of marrying such a coxcomb! Vel. Believe me, my good master, I am as Vel. He is not ill made. much rejoiced to see you alive, as I was upon Sir Geo. Are the vows and protestations that the day you were born. Your name is in all passed between us come to this? I can't bear the newspapers in the list of those that were the thought of it! Is Tinsel the man designed for, slain.
my worthy successor ? Sir Geo. We have not time to be particular. Vel. You do not consider that you have been I shall only tell thee, in general, that I was taken dead these fourteen months prisoner in the battle, and was under close con Sir Geo. Was there ever such a dog! (Aside. finement several months. Upon my release, I Vel. And I have often heard her say, that she was resolved to surprize my wife with the news must never expect to find a second sir George of being alive. I know, Velluin, you are a per- | Trueman-meaning your ho—nour. son of so much penetration, that I need not use Sir Geo. I think she loved me! but I must any further arguments to convince
you that I am search into this story of the drummer, before I
discover myself to her. I have put on this habit Vel. I am—and moreover, I question not but of a conjurer, in order to introduce myself. It your good lady will likewise be convinced of it. must be your business to recommend me as a Her honour is a discerning lady,
most profound person, that, by my great knowSir Geo. I am only afraid she could be con- ledge in the curious arts, can silence the drumvinced of it to her sorrow. Is she not pleased | mer, and disposess the house. with her imaginary widowhood? Tell me truly; Vel. I am going to lay my accounts before my was she afflicted at the report of my death? lady; and I will endeavour to prevail upon her Vel. Sorely.
honour to admit the trial of your art. Sir Geo. How long did her grief last?
Sir Geo. I have scarce heard of any of these Vel. Longer than I have known any widow's, stories, that did not arise from a love-intrigue.at least three days.
Amours raise as many ghosts as murders. Sir Geo. Three days, say'st thou ? — Three Vel. Mrs Abigail endeavours to persuade us, whole days !--[ am afraid thou flatterest me that 'tis your ho-nour who troubles the house. Oh, woinan, woman!
Sir Geo. That convinces me 'tis a cheat; for Vel. Grief is twofold
I think, Vellum, I may be pretty well assured it Sir Geo. This blockhead is as methodical as is not me. ever-but I know be is honest.
Aside. Vel. I am apt to think so, truly. Ha, ha, ha!
Sir Geo. Abigail had always an ascendant larged; for, truly, says he, I hate to be straiten over her lady; and if there is a trick in this ed. Nay, he was so impudent as to shew me the matter, depend upon it, she is at the bottom of chamber where he intends to consummate, as he it. I'll be hanged if this ghost is not one of Abi- calls it. gail's familiars?
Lady True. Well, he's a wild fellow. Vel. Mrs Abigail has of late been very myste Abi. Indeed, be's a very sad man, madam. rious.
Lady True. He's young, Abigail ; 'tis a thouSir Geo. I fancy, Vellum, thou couldst worm sand pities he should be lost; I should be mighty it out of her. I know formerly there was an glad to reform him! amour between you.
Abi. Reform him! marry, hang him ! Vel. Mrs Abigail hath her allurements; and Lady True. Has he not a great deal of life? she knows I have picked up a competency in your Abi. Ay! enough to make your heart ache. honour's service.
Lady True. I dare say thou think'st him a very Sir Geo. If thou hast, all I ask of thee, in re agreeable fellow. turn, is, that thou wouldst immediately renew Abi. He thinks himself so, I'll answer for him. thy addresses to her. Coax her up. Thou hast Lady True. He's very good-natured. such a silver tongue, Vellum, as 'twill be impos Abi. He ought to be so; for he's very silly. sible for her to withstand. Besides, she is so Lady True. Dost thou think he loves me? very a woman, that she'll like you the better for Abi. Mr Fantome did, I'm sure. giving her the pleasure of telling a secret. In Lady True. With what raptures be talked ! short, wheedle her out of it, and I shall act by Abi. Yes; but 'twas in praise of your jointurethe advice which thou givest me.
house. Vel. Mrs Abigail was never deaf to me, when Lady True. He has kept bad company. I talked upon that subject. I will take an op Abi. They must be very bad, indeed, if they portunity of addressing myself to her in the most were worse than himself. pathetic manner.
Lady True. I have a strong fancy a good woSir Geo. In the mean time, lock me up in man might reform him. your office, and bring me word what success you Abi. It would be a fine experiment, if it should have-Well, sure I am the first that ever was not succeed. employed to lay himself!
Lady True. Well, Abigail, we'll talk of that Vel. You act, indeed, a threefold part in this another time. Here comes the steward. I have house; you are a ghost, a conjurer, and my hono further occasion for you at present. noured master, sir George Trueman; he, he, he!
[Erit ABI. You will pardon me for being jocular. Sir Geo. Oh, Mr Vellum, with all my heart! You
Enter VELLUM. know I love you mien of wit and humour. Be as Vel. Madam, is your ho-nour at leisure to look merry as thou pleasest, so thou dost thy business. into the accounts of the last week? They rise [Mimicking him.] You will remember, Vellum, very high. Housekeeping is chargeable in a house your commission is twofold ; first, to gain admis- that is haunted. sion for me to your lady; and, secondly, to get Lady True. How comes that to pass ? I hope the secret out of Abigail.
the drum neither eats nor drinks. But read your Vel. It sufficeth.
[The scene shuts. account, Vellum.
Vel. (Putting on and off his spectacles in this Enter Lady TRUEMAN.
scene.) A hogshead and a half of ale-It is not Lady True. Women, who have been happy in for the ghost's drinking; but your ho—nour's sera first marriage, are the most apt to venture upon vants say, they must have something to keep up a second. But, for my part, I had a husband so their courage against this strange noise. They every way suited to my inclinations, that I must tell me, they expect a double quantity of malt in entirely forget him, before I can like another their small beer, so long as the house continues man. 'I have now been a widow but fourteen in this condition. months, and have had twice as many lovers, all Lady True. At this rate, they'll take care to of them professed admirers of my person, but be frightened all the year round, I'll answer for passionately in love with my jointure. I think it them. But go on. is a revenge I owe my sex, to make an example Vel. Item, Two sheep, and a-Where is the of this worthless tribe of fellows. But, here ox?-Oh, here I have him and an ox-Your comes Abigail; I must tease the baggage; for, ho-nour must always have a piece of cold beef I find she has taken it into her head, that I'm en- in the house, for the entertainment of so many tirely at her disposal.
strangers, who come from all parts to hear this
drum. Item, Bread, ten peck loaves --They canEnter ABIGAIL.
not cat beef without bread. Item, Three bar Abi. Madam, madam! yonder's Mr Tinsel has rels of table beerThey must have drink with as good as taken possession of your house. Marry, their meat. he says, he must have sir George's apartment en Lady True. Sure no woman in England has