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Sir Phi. Impossible, you should wish to be an Col. The ladies, and the laws. Englishman! Pardon me, sir, this island could Sir Phi. The laws, indeed, do claim a prenot produce a person of such alertness.
ference of other nations---but, by my soul, there Col. As this mirror shews you, sir.
are fine women every where.--I must own I have (Puts up a pocket glass to Sir Philip's fuce. felt their power in all countries.
Wom. Coxcombs! I'm sick to hear them Col. There are some finished beauties, I conpraise one another. One seldom gets any thing fess, in France, Italy, Germany, nay, even in by such animals; not even dinner, unless one Holland, mais elles sont bien rare : bat les belles can dine upon soup and celery.
Angloises ! Oh, sir Philip, where find we such Sir Phi.' O Gad, sir? Will you leave us, ma- women ! such symmetry of shape ! such eledam? Ha, ha, ha!
[Erit Woman. gance of dress ! such regularity of features ! Col. She fears 'twill be only losing time to stay such sweetness of temper! such commanding here, ha, ha, ha! I know not how to distinguish eyes! and such bewitching smiles ! you, sir ; but your mien and address speak you Sir Phi. Ah! parbleu vous etes attrapé. right honourable.
Col. Non, je vous assure, Chevalier.--But I Sir Phi. Thus, great souls judge of others by declare there is no amusement so agreeable to themselves—I am only adorned with knighthood, my goût as the conversation of a fine wothat's all, I assure you, sir; my name is sir Philip man. - I could never be prevailed upon to Modelove.
enter into what the vulgar call the pleasure of Col. Of French extraction?
the bottle. Sir Phi. My father was French.
Sir Phi. My own taste, positivement.—A ball, Col. One may plainly perceive it—There is a or a masquerade, is certainly preferable to all certain gaiety peculiar to my nation (for I will the productions of the vineyard. own myself a Frenchman) which distinguishes us Col. Infinitely! I hope the people of quality every where--A
your figure would be in England will support that branch of pleasure a vast addition to a coronet.
which was imported with the peace, and since Sir Phi. I must own I had the offer of a naturalized by the ingenious Mr. Heidegger. barony about five years ago; but I abhorred Sir Phi. The ladies assure me it will become the fatigue which must have attended it. I part of the constitution-upon which I subscribcould never yet bring myself to join with either ed a hundred guineas--It will be of great serparty.
vice to the public, at least to the company of Col. You are perfectly in the right, Sir Philip surgeons; and the city in general. --a fine person should not embark bimself in the Col. Ha, ha! it may help to ennoble the blood slovenly concern of politics : dress and pleasure of the city. Are you married, sir Philip? are objects proper for the soul of a fine gentle- Sir Phi. No; nor do I believe I ever shall
enter into that honourable state : I have an ab. Sir Phi. And love--
solute tendre for the whole sex. Col. Oh! that's included under the article of Col. That's more than they have for you, I pleasure.
Aside. Sir Phi. Parbleu il est un homme d'esprit! I Sir Phi. And I have the honour to be very must embrace you---[Rise and embrace.] ---Your well with the ladies, I can assure you, sir; and I sentiments are so agreeable to mine, that we won't affront a million of fine women to make appear to have but one soul, for our ideas and one happy. conceptions are the same.
Col. Nay, marriage is reducing a man's taste Col. I should be sorry for that. [Aside.)---You to a kind of half pleasure : but then it carries do me too much honour, sir Philip.
the blessings of peace along with it; one goes Sir Phi. Your vivacity and jantee mien assu- to sleep without fear, and wakes without pain. red me, at first sight, there was nothing of this Sir Phi. There's something of that in't ; a foggy island in your composition. May I crave wife is a very good dish for an English stomach, your name, sir?
—but gross feeding for nicer palates, ha, ha, ha! Col. My name is La Fainwell, sir, at your ser- Col. I find I was very much mistaken-I imvice.
agined you had been married to that young lady, Sir Phi. The La Fainwells are French, I whom I saw in the chariot with you this mornknow; though the name is become very numer-ing in Grace-church-Street. ous in Great-Britain of late years—I was sure Sir Phi. Who, Nancy Lovely? I am a piece you was French the moment I laid my eyes upon of a guardian to that lady: you must know, her you; I could not come into the supposition of father, I thank him, joined me with three of the your being an Englishman : this island produces most preposterous old tellows---that, upon my few such ornaments.
soul, I am in pain for the poor girl :----she Col. Pardon me, sir Philip; this island has two must certainly lead apes, as the saying is; ha, things superior to all nations under the sun. ha! Sir Phi. Ah! what are they?
Col. That's pity, sir Philip. If the lady would
give me leave, I would endeavour to avert that | people, if I don't look more like a modest woman
than thou dost, Anne. Sir Phi. As to the lady, she'd gladly be rid Mrs Love. More like a hypocrite you mean, of us at any rate, I believe; but here's the mis- Mrs Prim. chief! he who marries Miss Lovely, must have Mrs Prim. Ah! Anne, Anne, that wicked Phi. the consent of us all four--or not a penny of lip Modelove will undo thee-Satan so fills thy her portion.---For my part, I shall never approve heart with pride, during the three months of his of any but a man of figure,--and the rest are guardianship, that thou becomest a stumbling not only arerse to cleanliness, but have each a block to the upright. peculiar taste to gratify.---For my part, I declare Mrs Love. Pray, who are they? Are the pinchI would prefer you to all the men I ever saw. ed cap and formal hood the emblems of sanctiCol. And I her to all women--
ty? Does your virtue consist in your dress, Mrs Sir Phi. I assure you, Mr Fainwell, I am for Prim? marrying her; for I hate the trouble of a guardi- Mrs Prim. It doth not consist in cut hair, an, especially among such wretches; but resolve spotted face, and a bare neck.-Oh the wickednever to agree to the choice of any one of them, ness of the generation! The primitive women ---and I fancy they'll be even with me, for they knew not the abomination of hooped petticoats. never came into any proposal of mine yet. Mrs Love. No; nor the abomination of cant
Col. I wish I bad your leave to try them, sir neither. Don't tell me, Mrs Priin, don't. I know Philip
you have as much pride, vanity, self-conceit, and Sir Phi. With all my soul, sir; I can refuse a ambition among you, couched under that formal person of your appearance nothing.
habit, and sanctitied countenance, as the proudest Col. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you.
of us all; but the world begins to see your pruSir Phi. But do you really like matrimony? dery. Col. I believe I could with that lady.
Mrs Prim. Prudery! What! do they invent Sir Phi. The only point in which we differ--- new words as well as new fashions ? But you are master of so many qualifications, fantastic age, I pity thee-Poor deluded Anne, that I can excuse one fault ; for I must think it which dost thou think most resembles the saint, a fault in a fine gentleman; and that you are and which the sinner, thy dress or mine? Thy such, I'll give it under my hand.
naked bosom allureth the eye of the by-stander, Col. I wish you'd give me your consent to mar- -encourageth the frailty of human-nature-and ry Mrs Lovely under your hand, sir Philip. corrupteth the soul with evil lovgings.
Sir Phi. I'll do't, if you'll step into St James's Mrs Lore. And, pray, who corrupted your son Coffee-house, where we may have pen and ink, Tobias with evil longings? Your maid Tabitha though I can't foresee what advantage my con- wore a handkerchief, and yet he made the saint sent will be to you, without you could find a way a sinner. to get the rest of the guardians. But I'll intro- Mrs Prim. Well, well, spit thy malice, I conduce you, howerer: she is now at a Quaker's, fess Satan did buffet my son Tobias, and my serwhere I carried her this morning, when you saw vant Tabitha : the evil spirit was at that time to us in Gracechurch-Street.-I assure you she has strong, and they both became subject to its workan odd ragout of guardians, as you will find when ings, not from any outward provocation, but from you hear the characters, which I'll endeavour to an inward call; he was not tainted with the rotgive you as we go along.--Iley! Pierre, Jaque, temess of the fashions, nor did his eyes take in Renno—where are you all, scoundrels?--Or- the drunkenness of beauty. der the chariots to St James's Couce-house.
Mrs Love. No! that's plainly to be seen. Col. Le Noir, la Brun, la Blanc.-Morbleu, Mrs Prim. Tabitha is one of the faithtul; he ou sont ces coquins la? Allons, Monsieur le Che- fell not with a stranger. valier.
Mrs Love. So ! Then you hold wenching po Sir Phi. Ah! Pardonnez moi, monsicur. crime, provided it be within the pale of your own Col. Not one step, upon my soul, sir Philip. tribe.—You are an excellent casuist, truly!
Sir Phi. The best bred man in Europe, positively!
Enter OBADIAH Pķin.
Oba. Prim. Not stripped of thy vanity yet, SCENE II.-- Changes to OBADIAN PRin's
Anne !--Why dost thou not make her put it off, house.
Mrs Prim. She will not do it. Enter Mrs Lovely, followed by Bins Prim.
Oba. Prim. Verily, thy naked breast troubleth
my outward man; I pray thee hide them, Anne: Mrs Prim. Then, thou wilt not obey me? and put on an bandkerchief, Anne Lovely. thou dost really thjuk those fallals become thee? Mrs Love. I hate handkerchiers when 'tis not Mirs Love. I do, indeed.
cold weather, Mr Prim. Mirs Prim. Now will I be judged by all sober Mrs Prim. I have secn tlice wear a handker. chief, nay, and a mask to boot, in the middle of have reached the ears of the wicked ones :---veriJuly.
ly, it troubleth me.
[Aside. Mrs Love. Ay; to keep the sun from scorching me.
Enter Servant. Oba. Prim. If thou couldst not bear the sun- Ser. Philip Modelove, whom they call sir Phibeams, how dost thou think man can bear thy lip, is below, and such another with him; shall I beams? Those breasts inflame desire; let them send them up? be hid, I say.
Oba. Prim. Yea.
[Erit. Mrs Love. Let me be quiet, I say. Must I be tormented thus for ever? Sure no woman's con
Enter Sir PHILIP and Colonel. dition ever equalled inine! Foppery, folly, avarice, and hypocrisy, are, by turns, my constant Sir Phi. How dost thou do, friend Prim? companions—and I must vary shapes as often as Odso! my she-friend here, too! What, are you a player-I cannot think my father meant this documenting Miss Nancy? Reading her a lecture tyranny! No, you usurp an authority which he upon the pinched coif, I warrant ye ! never intended you should take.
Mrs Prim. I am sure thou didst never read Oba. Prim. Hark thee; dost thou call good her any lecture that was good. My flesh riseth counsel tyranny? Do I, or my wife, tyrannize, so at these wicked ones, that prudence adviseth when we desire thee, in all love, to put off thy mc to withdraw from their sight. [Erit. tempting attire, and veil thy provokers sin ? Col. Oh! that I could find means to speak
Mrs Love. Deliver me, good Heaven! or 1 with her! How charming she appears ! I wish I shall
[Aside. Mrs Prim. So ! now thy pinners are tost, and Sir Phi. Well, Miss Cockey, I hope thou hast thy breasts pulled up! Verily, they were seen got the better of them. enough before. Fy upon the filthy tailor who Mrs Love. The difficulties of my life are not made thy stays!
to be surmounted, sir Philip.--I hate the imMrs Love. I wish I were in my grave! Kill pertinence of him, as much as the stupidity of the me rather than treat me thus.
[ Aside. Oba. Prim. Kill thee! ha, ha! thou thinkest Oba. Prin. Verily, Philip, thou wilt spoil this thou art acting some lewd play, sure !---kill thee! maiden. Art thou prepared for death, Anne Lovely? No, Sir Phi. I find we still differ in opinion; but no; thou wouldst rather have a husband, Anne-- that we may none of us spoil her, prithee, Prim, Thou wantest a gilt coach, with six lazy fellows let us consent to marry her. I have sent for our behind, to flaunt it in the ring of vanity, among brother guardians to meet me here about this vethe princes and rulers of the land, who pamper ry thing—Madam, will you give me leave to rethemselves with the fatness thereof; but I will commend a husband to you! Here's a gentletake care that none shall squander away thy fa- man, whom, in my mind, you can have no objecther's estate ; thou shalt marry none such, Anne. tion to.
Mrs Love. Would you marry me to one of [Presents the Colonel to her, she looks anyour own cantiug sect?
Oba. Prim. Yea, verily; no one else shall ever Mrs Love. Heaven deliver me from the forget my consent, I do assure thee, Anne.
mal, and the fantastic fool! Mrs Love. And, I do assure thee, Obadiah, Col. A fine woinan—a fine horse, and fine that I will as soon turn Papist, and die in a con- equipage, are the finest things in the universe :
and if I am so happy to possess you, madam, I Mrs Prim. Oh, wickedness!
shall become the envy of mankind, as much as Mrs Love. Oh, stupidity!
you outshine your whole sex. Oba. Prim. Oh, blindness of heart !
[As he takes her hand to kiss it, he endeaMrs Love. Thou blinder of the world, don't
vours to put a letter into it ; she lets it ,
drop-Prim takes it up. leave your wife to judge of your purity :- What Mrs Love. I have no ambition to appear conwere the emotions of your spirit---when you spicuously ridiculous, sir. [Turning from him. squeezed Mary by the hand last night in the pan- Col. So fail the hopes of Fainwell. try---when she told you, you bussed so filthily? Mrs Love. Ha! Fainwell! 'Tis be! What have Ah! you had no aversion to naked bosoms, when I done? Prim has the letter, and it will be disyou begged her to shew you a little, little, little covered !
[Aside. bit of her delicious bubby :---don't you remember Oba. Prim. Friend, I know not thy naine, so those words, Mr Prim?
cannot call thee by it; but thou seest thy letter Mrs Prim. What does she say, Obadiah? is unwelcome to the maiden; she will not read it.
Ob. Prim. She talketh unintelligibly, Sarah. Mirs Love. Nor shall you; (Snatches the letWhich
it, as I will the hopes of all those that any of you again with the rest of mankind : for I like him shall recommend to me. [Tears the letter. Sir Phil. Ha! Right woman, faith!
Col. Pray, sir, without offence to your formaCol. Excellent woman !
[Aside.lity, what may be your objections? Oba. Prim. Friend, thy garb savoureth too Oba. Prim. Thy person; thy manners; thy much of the vanity of the age for my approba- dress; thy acquaintance ;
-thy every thing, tion; nothing that resembleth Philip Modelove friend. shall I love; mark that- -therefore, friend Phi- Sir Phi. You are most particularly obliging, lip, bring no more of thy own apes under my friend, ha, ha! roof.
Trade. What business do you follow, pray, Sir Phi. I ain so entirely a stranger to the mon- sir? sters of thy breed, that I shall bring none of them, Col. Humph! by that question he must be the I am sure.
broker. (Aside.] Business, sir! the business of a Col. I am likely to have a pretty task by that gentleman. time I have gone through them all; but she's a Trade. That is as much as to say, you dress city worth taking; and, 'egad! I'll carry on the fine, feed high, lie with every woman you like, sieve: if I can but blow up the outworks, I fancy and pay your surgeon's bill better than your taiI am pretty secure of the town. [Aside. lor's, or your butcher's.
Col. The court is much obliged to you, sir, for Enter Servant.
your character of a gentleman.
Trade. The court, sir! What would the court Ser. Toby Periwinkle and Thomas Tradelove do without us citizens ? demand to see thee.
[To Sir Pullip. Sir Phi. Without your wives and daughters, Sir Phi. Bid them come up.
you mean, Mr Tradelove? Mrs Love. Deliver me from such an inunda- Per. Have you ever travelled, sir? tion of noise and nonsense. Oh, Fainwell! Col. That question must not be answered now whatever thy contrivance be, prosper it Hea- -In books I have, sir. ven—but, oh! I fear thou never canst redeem Per. In books! That's fine travelling, indeed! me !
-Sir Philip, when you present a person I like, Sir Phil. Sic transit gloria mundi.
he shall have my consent to marry Mrs Lovely;
till then, your servant. Enter MR PERIWINKLE and TRADELOVE.
Col. I'll make you like me before I have
done with you, or I am mistaken. These are my brother guardians, Mr Fainwell!;
Aside. prithee, observe the creatures, [Aside to Col. Trade. And when you can convince me that a Trade. Well, sir Philip, I obey your sum- beau is more useful to niy country than a mer
chant, you shall have mine; till then, you must Per. Pray, what have you to offer for the good excuse me.
Erit. of Mrs Lovely, sir Philip?
Col. So much for trade-- I'll fit you, too. Sir. Phi. First, I desire to know what you in
[Aside. tend to do with that lady? Must she be sent to Sir Phi. In my opinion, this is very inhuman the Indies for a venturemor live an old maid, treatment, as to the lady, Mr Prim. and then be entered amongst your curiosities, Oba. Prim. Thy opinion and mine happen to and shewn for a monster, Mr Periwinkle? differ as much as our occupations, friend; busi Col. Humph, curiosities; that must be the vir- ness requireth my presence, and folly thine; and [Aside. so I must bid thee farewell.
Erit. Per. Why, what would you do with her? Sir Phi. Here's breeding for you, Mr Feign
Sir Phi. I would recommend this gentleman well! Gad take me, to her for a husband, sir-a person, whom I have picked out from the whole race of man- Half my estate I'd give to see them bit. kind.
Col. I hope to bite you all, if my plot hit. Oba. Prim. I would advise thee to shuffle him
SCENE I.--The Tavern.
Per. A hundred and thirty-five ! why, that's Sackout and the Colonel, in an Egyptian dress. thing in the world to be a traveller.
prodigious, now !-Well, certainly 'tis the finest Sack. A lucky beginning, colonel you have Col. For my part, I value none of the modern got the old beau's consent.
fashions a fig-leaf. Col. Ay, he's a reasonable creature; but the Per. No more don't I, sir; I had rather be other three will require some pains.-Shall I pass the jest of a fool, than' his favourite.—I am upon him, think you? 'Egad, in my mind, I look laughed at here for my singularity ——This coat, as antique as if I had been preserved in the ark. you must know, sir, was formerly worn by that
Suck. Pass upon him! ay, ay, as roundly as ingenious and very learned person, Mr John white wine dash'd with sack does for mountain Tradescant, of Lambeth. and sherry, if you have assurance enough
Col. John Tradescant ! Let me embrace you, Col. I have no apprehension from that quar-sir-John Tradescant was my uncle by my inoter; assurance is the cockade of a soldier. ther's side; and I thank you for the honour you
Sack. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier dif- do his memory; he was a very curious man, infers much from that of a traveller.-Can you lie deed. with a good grace?
Per. Your uncle, sir !--Nay, then, 'tis no Col. As heartily, when my mistress is the wonder that your taste is so refined; why, you prize, as I would meet the foe, when my country have it in your blood. -My humble service to called, and king commanded; so don't you fear you, sir; to the immortal memory of John that part: if he don't know me again, I am safe | Tradescant, your never-to-be-forgotten uncle ! -I hope he'll come.
[Drinks. Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure. Col. Give me a glass, landlord. I told him you had been a great traveller, had Per. I find you are primitive, even in your many valuable curiosities, and was a person of a wine; Canary was the drink of our wise foremost singular taste. He seemed transported, and fathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of begged me to keep you till he came.
apothecaries' cordials-Oh, that I had lived in Col. Ay, ay; he need not fear my running your uncle's days! or rather, that he were now away.—Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our alive!-Oh, how proud he'd be of such a neancestors drank sack.
phew! Sack. You shall have it.
Suck. Oh, pox! that would have spoild the Col. And whereabouts is the trap-door you jest.
Per. A person of your curiosity must have Sack. There's the conveyance, sir. [Exit. collected many rarities.
Col. Now, if I should cheat all these roguish Col. I have some, sir, which are not yet come guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, ashore; as, an Egyptian idol. it would be what the French call a grand coup Per. Pray, what may that be? d'eclat-Odso! here comes Periwinkle.
Col. It is, sir, a kind of ape, which they forAh! Deuce take this beard; pray Jupiter it does merly worshipped in that country; I took it from not give me the slip, and spoil all!
the breast of a female mummy. Enter Sackbut with wine, and Periwinkle idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies upon
Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their following
a lady's bosom : ha, ha! Sack. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have Sack. A smart old thief.
[Aside. been a great traveller, and a person of fine spe- Col. Two tusks of an hippopotamus, two pair culation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he of Chinese nut-crackers, and one Egyptian mumis a man of a curious taste himself.
my. Col. The gentleman has it in his face and Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocogarb— Sir, you are welcome.
dile? Per. Sir, I honour a traveller, and men of Col. Humph !—The boatswain brought one your inquiring disposition; the oddness of your with a design to shew it; but touching at Rothabit pleases me exceedingly; 'tis very antique ; terdam, and hearing it was no rarity in England, and for that I like it.
he sold it to a Dutch poet. Col. 'Tis very antique, sir;- this habit once Sack. The devil's in that nation, it rivals us in belonged to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who every thing!
+ lived in the year one hundred and thirty-five. Per. I should have been very glad to have
Sack. If he kceps up to the sample, he shall seen a living crocodile. lie with the devil for a bean-stack, and win it, Col. My genius led me to things more worthy every straw.
[Aside. of regarda -Sir, I have seen the utmost limits