Col. Do you know any of this lady's guardians, she might be sure never to do so, he left her Freeman? Here comes one will give you an account of them all. Mr Sackbut, we sent for you to take a glass with us. 'Tis a maxim among the friends of the bottle, that as long as the master is in company, one may be sure of good wine. Sack. Sir, you shall be sure to have as good wine as you send in. Colonel, your most humnble servant; you are welcome to town. Col. I thank you, Mr Sackbut. Sack. I am as glad to see you as I should a hundred tun of French claret, custom free. My service to you, sir. [Drinks.] You don't look so merry as you used to do; arn't you well, co lonel? Free. He has got a woman in his head, landlord; can you help him? Sack. If 'tis in my power, I shan't scruple to serve my friend. Col. Tis one perquisite of your calling. Sack. Aye, at t'other end of the town, where you officers use, women are good forcers of trade; a well-customed house, a handsome barkeeper, with clean, obliging drawers, soon get the master an estate; but our citizens seldom do any thing but cheat within the walls. But as to the lady, colonel; point you at particulars? or have you a good Champagne stomach? Are you in full pay, or reduced, colonel? Col. Reduced, reduced, landlord. in the care of four men, as opposite to each other as the four elements; each has his quarterly rule, and three months in a year she is obliged to be subject to each of their humours, and they are pretty different, I assure you. She is just come from Bath. Col. 'Twas there I saw her. Sack. Aye, sir; the last quarter was her beau guardian's. She appears in all public places du-. ring his reign. Col. She visited a lady who boarded in the same house with me: I liked her person, and found an opportunity to tell her so. She replied, she had no objection to mine; but if I could not reconcile contradictions, I must not think of her; for that she was condemned to the caprice of four persons, who never yet agreed in any one thing, and she was obliged to please them all. Sack. 'Tis most true, sir; I'll give you a short description of the men, and leave you to judge of the poor lady's condition. One is a kind of virtuoso; a silly, half-witted fellow, but positive and surly, fond of every thing antique and foreign, and wears his clothes of the fashion of the last century; doats upon travellers, and believes more of sir John Mandeville than he does of the Bible. Col. That must be a rare odd fellow! Sack. Another is a 'Change-broker; a fellow that will out-lye the devil for the advantage of stock, and cheat his father that got him, in a bargain: he is a great stickler for trade, and hates every man that wears a sword. Free. He is a great admirer of the Dutch management, and swears they understand trade better than any nation under the sun. Free. To the miserable condition of a lover! Sack. Pish! that's preferable to half-pay; a woman's resolution may break before the peace: push her home, colonel; there's no parlying within the fair sex. Col. Were the lady her own mistress, I have some reasons to believe I should soon command in chief. Free. You know Mrs Lovely, Mr Sackbut? Suck. Know her! Aye, poor Nancy: I have carried her to school many a frosty morning.Alas! if she's the woman, I pity yon, colonel: her father, my old master, was the most whimsical, out-of-the-way tempered man I ever heard of, as you will guess by his last will and testament. This was his only child: and I have heard him wish her dead a thousand times. | Sack. The third is an old beau, that has May his fancy and dress, but December in his face and his heels: he admires all the new fashions, and those must be French; loves operas, balls, masquerades, and is always the most tawdry of the whole company on a birth-day. Col. These are pretty opposite to one another, truly; and the fourth, what is he, landlord? Sack. A very rigid quaker, whose quarter began this day. I saw Mrs Lovely go in, not above two hours ago-sir Philip set her down.What think you now, colonel; is not the poor lady to be pitied? Col. Aye, and rescued too, landlord. Col. There is nothing impossible to a lover.What would not a man attempt for a fine woman and thirty thousand pounds? Besides, my honour is at stake; I promised to deliver her, and she bid me win her and wear her. Sack. That's fair, faith. Free. If it depended upon knight-errantry, I should not doubt your setting free the damsel; but to have avarice, impertinence, hypocrisy, and pride, at once to deal with, requires more cunning than generally attends a man of honour. | mind: but here's to your success, colonel. Suck. Very well, sir; they all use my house. Col. And will you assist me, if occasion requires? Sack. In every thing I can, colonel. Free. I'll answer for him; and whatever I can serve you in, you may depend on. I know Mr Periwinkle and Mr Tradelove; the latter has a very great opinion of my interest abroad. I happened to have a letter from a correspondent two hours before the news arrived of the French king's death I communicated it to him: upon which he bought all the stock he could, and what with that, and some wagers he laid, he told me he had got to the tune of five hundred pounds; so that I am much in his good graces. Col. I don't know but you may be of service to me, Freeman. Free. If I can, command me, colonel. Col. Isn't it possible to find a suit of clothes ready made at some of these sale-shops fit to rig out a beau, think you, Mr Sack but? Sack. O, hang them-No, colonel; they keep nothing ready made that a gentleman would be seen in: but I can fit you with a suit of clothes, if you'd make a figure—Velvet and gold brocade -They were pawned to me by a French count, who had been stript at play, and wanted money to carry him home; he promised to send for them, but I have not heard any thing of him. Free. He has not fed upon frogs long enough yet to recover his loss; ha, ha! Col. Ha, ha! Well, the clothes will do, Mr Sackbut; though we must have three or four fellows in tawdry liveries: they can be procured, I hope? Free. Egad! I have a brother come from the West Indies that can match you; and, for expedition-sake, you shall have his servants: there's a black, a tawney-moor, and a Frenchman; they don't speak one word of English, so can make no inistake. [Drinks. Col. 'Tis something out of the way, I confess; but fortune may chance to smile, and I succeed. Come, landlord, let me see those clothes. Freeman, I shall expect you'll leave word with Mr Sackbut where one may find you upon occasion; and send my Indian equipage immediately; d'ye hear? Free. Immediately. [Exit. Col. Bold was the man who ventured first to sea, Bat the first venturing lovers bolder were. SCENE II.-PRIM's house. Enter MRS LOVELY, and her maid BETTY. Bet. Bless me, madam! Why do you fret and tease yourself so? This is giving them the advantage, with a witness. Mrs Love. Must I be condemned all my life to the preposterous humours of other people, and pointed at by every boy in town? Oh! I could tear my flesh, and curse the hour I was born— Isn't it monstrously ridiculous, that they should desire to impose their quaking dress upon me at these years? When I was a child, no matter what they made me wear; but now-- Bet. I would resolve against it, madam; I'd see them hanged before I'd put on the pinched cap again. Mrs Love. Then I must never expect one moment's ease: she has rung such a peal in my ears already, that I shan't have the right use of them this month. What can I do? Bet. What can you not do, if you will but give your mind to it? Marry, madam. Mrs Love. What! and have my fortune go to build churches and hospitals? Bet. Why, let it go. If the colonel loves you, Col. Excellent! Egad! I shall look like an as he pretends, he'll marry you without a fortune, Indian prince. First, I'll attack my beau guar-madain; and, I assure you, a colonel's lady is no dian; where lives he? despicable thing; a colonel's post will maintain you like a gentlewoman, madam, Sack. Faith, somewhere about St James; though, to say in what street, I cannot; but any Mrs Love. So, you would advise me to give chairman will tell you where sir Philip Mode-up my own fortune, and throw myself upon the love lives. colonel's? Bet. I would advise you to make yourself easy, madam. Mrs Love. That's not the way, I'm sure. No, no, girl; there are certain ingredients to be mingled with matrimony, without which I may as well change for the worse as the better. When the woman has fortune enough to make the man happy, if he has either honour or good manners, he'll make her easy. Love makes but a slovenly figure in a house, where poverty keeps the door. 4 F Bet. And so you resolve to die a maid, do you, madam? Mrs Love. Or have it in my power to make the man I love master of my fortune. Bet. Then you don't like the colonel so well as I thought you did, madam, or you would not take such a resolution. Mrs Love. It is because I do like him, Betty, that I do take such a resolution. Bet. Why, do you expect, madam, the colonel can work miracles? Is it possible for him to marry you with the consent of all your guardians? Mrs Love. Or he must not marry me at all: and so I told him; and he did not seem displeased with the news. He promised to set me free; and I, on that condition, promised to make him master of that freedom. Bet. Well! I have read of enchanted castles, ladies delivered from the chains of magic, giants killed, and monsters overcome; so that I shall be the less surprised if the colonel should conjure you out of the power of your four guardians; if he does, I am sure he deserves your for tune. Mrs Love. And shall have it, girl, if it were ten times as much-For I'll ingenuously confess to thee, that I do like the colonel above all the men I ever saw: there's something so jantée in a soldier, a kind of je ne sçai quoi air, that makes them more agreeable than the rest of mankind. They command regard, as who shall say, We are your defenders. We preserve your beauties from the insults of rude and unpolished foes, and ought to be preferred before those lazy, indolent mortals, who, by dropping into their fathers' estates, set up their coaches, and think to rattle themselves into our affections. Bet. Nay, madam, I confess that the army has engrossed all the prettiest fellows-a laced coat and a feather have irresistible charms. Mrs Love. But the colonel has all the beauties of the mind, as well as the body. O all ye powers that favour happy lovers, grant that he may be mine! Thou god of love, if thou be'st aught but name, assist my Fainwell! Point all thy darts to aid his just design, ACT II. SCENE I.-The Park. Enter COLONEL, finely drest, three Footmen after him. Col. So, now if I can but meet this beau! Egad! Methinks, I cut a smart figure, and have as much of the tawdry air as any Italian count or French marquis of them all. Sure, I shall know this knight again-Ah! Yonder he sits, making love to a mask, i'faith! I'll walk up the Mall, and come down by him. [Exit COLONEL. Scene draws, and discovers SIR PHILIP upon a bench, with a woman masked. Sir Phi. Well, but, my dear, are you really constant to your keeper? Wom. Yes, really, sir. Hey-day! Who comes yonder? He cuts a mighty figure. Sir Phi. Ha! A stranger, by his equipage keeping so close at his heels. He has the appearance of a man of quality. Positively French, by his dancing air! Wom. He crosses, as if he meant to sit down here. Sir Phi. He has a mind to make love to thee, child. Enter COLONEL, and seats himself upon the bench by SIR PHILIP. Wom. It will be to no purpose, if he does. Sir Phi. May I presume, sir? [Presenting the box. Sir Phi. He speaks good English-though he must be a foreigner.-[Aside.]-This snuff is extremely good-and the box prodigious fine; the work is French, I presume, sir? Col. I bought it in Paris, sir-I do think the workmanship pretty neat. Sir Phi. Neat! 'tis exquisitely fine, sir. Pray, sir, if I may take the liberty of inquiring-What country is so happy to claim the birth of the finest gentleman in the universe? France, I pre sume? Col. Then you don't think me an Englishman? Sir Phi. Impossible, you should wish to be an Englishman! Pardon me, sir, this island could not produce a person of such alertness. Col. As this mirror shews you, sir. [Puts up a pocket glass to SIR PHILIP's face. Wom. Coxcombs! I'm sick to hear them praise one another. One seldom gets any thing by such animals; not even a dinner, unless one can dine upon soup and celery. Sir Phi. O Gad, sir? Will you leave us, madam? Ha, ha, ha! [Exit Woman. Col. She fears 'twill be only losing time to stay here, ha, ha, ha! I know not how to distinguish you, sir; but your mien and address speak you right honourable. Sir Phi. Thus, great souls judge of others by themselves-I am only adorned with knighthood, that's all, I assure you, sir; my name is sir Philip Modelove. Col. Of French extraction? Col. One may plainly perceive it-There is a certain gaiety peculiar to my nation (for I will own myself a Frenchman) which distinguishes us every where--A person of your figure would be a vast addition to a coronet. Sir Phi. I must own I had the offer of a barony about five years ago; but I abhorred the fatigue which must have attended it. I could never yet bring myself to join with either party. Col. You are perfectly in the right, Sir Philip --a fine person should not embark himself in the slovenly concern of politics: dress and pleasure are objects proper for the soul of a fine gentle man. Sir Phi. And love-- Col. Oh! that's included under the article of pleasure. Sir Phi. Parbleu il est un homme d'esprit! I must embrace you--[Rise and embrace.]--Your sentiments are so agreeable to mine, that we appear to have but one soul, for our ideas and conceptions are the same. Col. I should be sorry for that. [Aside.]---You | do me too much honour, sir Philip. Sir Phi. Your vivacity and jantee mien assured me, at first sight, there was nothing of this foggy island in your composition. May I crave your name, sir? Col. My name is La Fainwell, sir, at your service. Col. The ladies, and the laws. Sir Phi. The laws, indeed, do claim a preference of other nations---but, by my soul, there are fine women every where.---I must own I have felt their power in all countries. Col. There are some finished beauties, I confess, in France, Italy, Germany, nay, even in Holland, mais elles sont bien rare but les belles Angloises! Oh, sir Philip, where find we such women! such symmetry of shape! such elegance of dress! such regularity of features! such sweetness of temper! such commanding eyes! and such bewitching smiles! Sir Phi. Ah! parbleu vous etes attrapé. Col. Non, je vous assure, Chevalier.--But I declare there is no amusement so agreeable to my goût as the conversation of a fine woman. I could never be prevailed upon to enter into what the vulgar call the pleasure of the bottle. Sir Phi. My own taste, positivement.-A ball, or a masquerade, is certainly preferable to all the productions of the vineyard." Col. Infinitely! I hope the people of quality in England will support that branch of pleasure which was imported with the peace, and since naturalized by the ingenious Mr. Heidegger. Sir Phi. The ladies assure me it will become part of the constitution-upon which I subscribed a hundred guineas-It will be of great ser vice to the public, at least to the company of surgeons; and the city in general. Col. Ha, ha! it may help to ennoble the blood of the city. Are you married, sir Philip? Sir Phi. No; nor do I believe I ever shall enter into that honourable state: I have an ab◄ solute tendre for the whole sex. Col. That's more than they have for you, I dare swear. [Aside. Sir Phi. And I have the honour to be very well with the ladies, I can assure you, sir; and I won't affront a million of fine women to make one happy. Col. Nay, marriage is reducing a man's taste to a kind of half pleasure: but then it carries the blessings of peace along with it; one goes to sleep without fear, and wakes without pain. Sir Phi. There's something of that in't; a wife is a very good dish for an English stomach, -but gross feeding for nicer palates, ha, ha, ha! Col. I find I was very much mistaken-I imagined you had been married to that young lady, whom I saw in the chariot with you this morn Sir Phi. The La Fainwells are French, I know; though the name is become very numer-ing in Grace-church-Street. ous in Great-Britain of late years-I was sure you was French the moment I laid my eyes upon you; I could not come into the supposition of your being an Englishman: this island produces few such ornaments. Col. Pardon me, sir Philip; this island has two things superior to all nations under the sun. Sir Phi. Ah! what are they? : Sir Phi. Who, Nancy Lovely? I am a piece of a guardian to that lady you must know, her father, I thank him, joined me with three of the most preposterous old fellows---that, upon my soul, I am in pain for the poor girl :---she must certainly lead apes, as the saying is; ha, ha! Col. That's pity, sir Philip. If the lady would give me leave, I would endeavour to avert that curse. people, if I don't look more like a modest woman than thou dost, Anne. Mrs Love. More like a hypocrite you mean, Mrs Prim. Sir Phi. As to the lady, she'd gladly be rid of us at any rate, I believe; but here's the mischief! he who marries Miss Lovely, must have Mrs Prem. Ah! Anne, Anne, that wicked Phithe consent of us all four--or not a penny of lip Modelove will undo thee-Satan so fills thy her portion.---For my part, I shall never approveheart with pride, during the three months of his guardianship, that thou becomest a stumbling block to the upright. of any but a man of figure,---and the rest are not only averse to cleanliness, but have each a peculiar taste to gratify.---For my part, I declare I would prefer you to all the men I ever saw. Col. And I her to all women-- Sir Phi. I assure you, Mr Fainwell, I am for marrying her; for I hate the trouble of a guardian, especially among such wretches; but resolve never to agree to the choice of any one of them, ---and I fancy they'll be even with me, for they never came into any proposal of mine yet. Col. I wish I had your leave to try them, sir Philip. Sir Phi. With all my soul, sir; I can refuse a person of your appearance nothing. Col. Sir, I am infinitely obliged to you. Sir Phi. The only point in which we differ--But you are master of so many qualifications, that I can excuse one fault; for I must think it a fault in a fine gentleman; and that you are such, I'll give it under my hand. Col. I wish you'd give me your consent to marry Mrs Lovely under your hand, sir Philip. Sir Phi. I'll do't, if you'll step into St James's Coffee-house, where we may have pen and inkthough I can't foresee what advantage my consent will be to you, without you could find a way to get the rest of the guardians. But I'll introduce you, however: she is now at a Quaker's, where I carried her this morning, when you saw us in Gracechurch-Street.-I assure you she has an odd ragout of guardians, as you will find when you hear the characters, which I'll endeavour to give you as we go along.-Hey! Pierre, Jaque, Renno-where are you all, scoundrels?der the chariots to St James's Coffee-house. Col. Le Noir, la Brun, la Blanc.-Morbleu, ou sont ces coquins la? Allons, Monsieur le Chevalier. -Or Mrs Love. Pray, who are they? Are the pinched cap and formal hood the emblems of sanctity? Does your virtue consist in your dress, Mrs Prim? Mrs Prim. It doth not consist in cut hair, spotted face, and a bare neck.-Oh the wickedness of the generation! The primitive women knew not the abomination of hooped petticoats. Mrs Love. No; nor the abomination of cant neither. Don't tell me, Mrs Prim, don't. I know you have as much pride, vanity, self-conceit, and ambition among you, couched under that formal habit, and sanctified countenance, as the proudest of us all; but the world begins to see your prudery. Mrs Prim. Prudery! What! do they invent new words as well as new fashions? Ah! poor fantastic age, I pity thee-Poor deluded Anne, which dost thou think most resembles the saint, and which the sinner, thy dress or mine? Thy naked bosom allureth the eye of the by-stander, -encourageth the frailty of human-nature-and corrupteth the soul with evil longings. Mrs Love. And, pray, who corrupted your son Tobias with evil longings? Your maid Tabitha wore a handkerchief, and yet he made the saint a sinner. Mrs Prim. Well, well, spit thy malice. I confess Satan did buffet my son Tobias, and my servant Tabitha : the evil spirit was at that time too strong, and they both became subject to its workings, not from any outward provocation, but from an inward call; he was not tainted with the rottenness of the fashions, nor did his eyes take in the drunkenness of beauty. Mrs Love. No! that's plainly to be seen. Mrs Prim. Tabitha is one of the faithful; he fell not with a stranger. Mrs Love. So! Then you hold wenching no crime, provided it be within the pale of your own tribe.- -You are an excellent casuist, truly! |