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The 'Squire is going to knock himself down for a winding the streight horn, or beating a thicket song.
for a bare, or a wench, he never had his felOmnes. Ay, a song, a song !
low. It was a saying in the place, that he kept Tony. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole I made upon this ale-house, the Three Pigeons.
Tony. Ecod, and when I'm of Page, I'll be no SONG.
bastard, I promise you. I have been thinking of
Bett Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to beLet school-masters puzzle their brain,
gin with. But come, my boys, drink about and With grammar, and nonsense, and learning; be merry, for you pay no reckoning. Well Good liquor, I stontly maintain,
Stingo, what's the inatter?
chaise at the door. They have lost their way Toroddle, toroddle, toroll! upon the forest; and they are talking something
about Mr Hardcastle. When Methodist preachers come down,
Tony. As sure as can be, one of them must be A preaching that drinking is sinful,
the gentleman that's coming down to court my I'N wager the rascals a crown,
sister. Do they seem to be Londoners? They always preach best with a skinful.
Land. I believe they may. They look wounBut when you come down with your pence, dily like Frenchmen. For a slice of their scuroy religion,
Tony. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll leave it to all men of sense,
I'll set thein right in a twinkling. [Erit LandBut you my good friends are the Pigeon. lord.] Gentlemen, as they may'at be good enough Toroddle, toroddle, toroll ! company for you, step down for a moment, and
I'll be with you in the squeezing of a lemon. Then come, put the jorum about,
[Ereunt A[ob. And let us be merry and clever,
Father-in-law has been calling me whelp, Our hearts and our liquors are stout,
and bound, this half year. Now, if I pleased, I Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever! could be so revenged upon the old grumbletonian! Let some cry up woodcock or hare,
But, then, I'ın afraid-afraid of what! I shall Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons; soon be worth fifteen hundred a-year, and let But of all the birds in the air,
hiin frighten me out of that, if he can. Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons ! Toroddle, toroddle, toroll !
Enter LANDLORD, conducting Marlow and
HASTINGS. Omnes. Bravo, bravo! 1st Fel. The 'Squire has got spunk in him. Mar. What a tedious uncomfortable day have
2d Fel. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he we had of it! We were told it was but forty miles never gives us nothing that's low.
across the country, and we have come above 3d Fel. O, damn any thing that's low! I can-threescore. not bear it.
Hast. And all, Marlow, from that unaccount4th Fel. The genteel thing is the genteel thing able reserve of yours, that would not let us inat any time. If yo be that a gentleinan bees in quire more frequently on the way. a concatenation accordingly.
Mar. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay 3d Fel. I like the maxum of it, Master Mug- myself under an obligation to every one I meet'; gins. What though I am obligated to dance a and often stand the chance of an unmannerly bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that. May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances Hust. At present, however, we are not likely but to the very genteelest of tunes ! Water to receive any answer. Parted, or the minuet in Ariadne.
Tony. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told 2d Fel. What a pity it is the 'squire is not you have been inquiring for one Mr Hardcastle, come to his own ! It would be well for all the in these parts. Do you know what part of the publicans within ten miles round of him.
country you are in? Tony. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. Hast. Not in the least, sir; but should thank I'd then show what it was to keep choice of com you for information. pany.
Tony. Nor the way you came? 2d Fel. O he takes after his own father for Hast. No, sir; but if you can inform usthat. To be sure, old 'squire Lumpkin was the Tony, Why, gentlemen, if you know neither finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on. For the road you are going, nor where you are, nor
the road you came, the first thing I have to in Hast. What's to be done, Marlow? form you is, that-You have lost your way.
Mar. This house proiniscs but a poor recepMar. We wanted no ghost to tell us that! tion; though, perhaps, the landlord can accom
Tony. Pray, gentlemei), may I be so bold as modate us. to ask the place from whence you came?
Land. Alack, master, we have but one spare Mur. That's not necessary towards directing bed in the whole house. us where we are to go.
Tony. And, to my knowledge, that's taken up Tony. No offence : but question for question by three lodgers already. [After a pause, in which is all fair, you know. Pray, gentlemen, is not the rest seem disconcerted.] I have hit it. Don't this same Hardcastle a cross-grained, old fashion- you think, Stingo, our landlady could accom.noed, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daugh- date the gentlemen by the fireside, with three ter, and a pretty son ?
chairs and a bolster? Hast. We have not seen the gentleman, but Hast. I hate sleeping by the fireside. he has the family you mention.
Mar. And I detest your three chairs and a Tony. The daughter, a tall trapesing, trollop- bolster. ing, talkative maypole -The son, a pretty, Tony. You do, do you ?—then let me seewell-bred, agreeable youth, that every body is what if you go on a mile further, to the Buck's fond of.
Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of Mar. Our information differs in this. The the best inns in the whole country? daughter is said to be well-bred and beautiful; Hast. Oho! so we have escaped an adventure the son, an awkward booby, reared up, and spoil- for this night, however, ed at his mother's apron-string.
Land. [Apart to Tony.] Sure, you be’nt sendTony. He-he-hem -Then, gentlemen, all I ing them to your father's as an inn, be your have to tell you is, that you won't reach Mr Tony. Mum, you fool you ! Let them find that Hardcastle's house this night, I believe.
out. [To them.] You have only to keep on streight Hast. Unfortunate!
forward, till you come to a large old house by Tony. It's a damned long, dark, boggy, dirty, the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns dangerous way. Stingo, tell the gentlemen the over the door. That's the sign. Drive up the way to Mr Ibardcastle's ;-[Winking upon the yard, and call stoutly about you. landlord.) Mr Hardcastic's, of Quagmire Marsh; Hast. Sir, we are obliged to you. The seryou understand me?
vants can't miss the way? Land. Master Hardcastle's! Lock-a-daisy, my Tony. No, no : But I tell you, though, the masters, you're come a deadly deal wrong! When landlord is rich, and going to leave off business ; you came to the bottom of the hill, you should so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving have crossed down Squash-lane.
your presence, he, he, he! He'll be for giving Mar. Cross down Squash-lane !
you his coinpany, and, ecod, if you mind him, he'll Land. Then you were to keep straight for persuade you that his mother was an alderman, ward, 'till you came to four roads.
and his aunt a justice of peace! Mar. Come to where four roads meet!
Land. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; Tony. Ay; but you must be sure to take only but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the one of them. Mar. O sir, you're facetious.
Mar. Well, if he supplies us with these, we Tony. Then keeping to the right, you are to go shall want no further connexion. We are to turn sideways till you come upon Crack-skull com to the right, did you say? mon: there you must look sharp for the track of Tony. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step the wheel, and go forward, till you come to far- mysell, and shew you à piece of the way. [To mer Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's the landlord.) Muin! barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to Land. Ali, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleathe left, and then to the right about again, till sant-damned mischievous son of a whore ! you hud out the old mill
[Ereunt. Mar. Zounds, inan! we could as soon find but the longitude!
SCENE 1.-An old fashioned house. Hard. What! will no body move?
1st Ser. I'm not to leave this place. Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four
2d Ser. I'm sure its no pleace of mine. aukward servants.
3d Ser. Nor mine, for sartain. Hard. Well, I hope you're perfect in the ta Dig. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. ble exercise I have been teaching you these three Hard. You numskulls! and so, while, like days. You all krow your posts and your places, your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the and can shew that you have been used to good guests must be starved? O you dunces! I find I company, without stirring from home.
must begin all over again.—But don't I hear a Omnes. Ay, ay)
coach drive into the yard ? To your posts, you Hurd. When company comes, you are not to blockheads! I'll go, in the mean time, and give pop out and stare, and then run in again, like my old friend's son a hearty welcome at the gate. frighted rabbits in a warren.
Erit HARDCASTLE, Omnes. No, no.
Dig. By the elevens, my place is gone quite Hard. Yous Diggory, whom I have taken from out of my head ! the barn, are to make a shew at the side table ; Roger. I know that my place is to be every and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the where. plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. 1st Ser. Where the devil is mine? But you're not to stand so, with your hands in 2d Ser. My pleace is to be no where at all; your pockets. Take your hands from your and so Ize go about my business. pockets, Roger; and from your head, you block
[Exeunt Servants, running about as if head you! They're a little too stiff, indeed; but
frighted, different ways. that's no great matter.
Dig. Ay, mind how I hold them! I learned Enter Servant with candles, shewing in MARLOW to hold my hands this way, when I was upon
and HASTINGS. drill for the militia. And so being upon drill
Hard. You must not be su talkative, Diggory. Ser. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! You must be all attention to the guests. You | This way. must hear us talk, and not think of talki you Hast. After the disappointments of the day, must see us drink, and not think of drinking; | welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of you must see us eat, and not think of eating ! a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word,
Dig. By the laws, your worship, that's par a very well looking house ! antique, but creditafectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees yeat-ble. ing going forwards, ecod, he's always for wishing Mar. The usual fate of a large mansion. for a mouthful himself!
Having first ruined the master by good houseHard. Blockhead ! is not a belly-full in the keeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as kitchen as good as a belly-full in the parlour? an inn. stay your stomach with that reflection!
Hast. As you say, we passengers are to be Dig. Ecod, I thank your worship; I'll make a taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef a good sideboard, or a marble chimney-piece, in the pantry!
though not actually put in the bill, enflame the Hard. Diggory, you are too talkative. Then, reckoning confoundedly. if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good Mar. Travellers, George, must pay in all plastory at table, you must not all burst out a laugh- ces. The only difference is, that in good inos, ing, as if you made part of the company. you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad inns, you are
Dig. Then, ecod, your worship must not tell fleece and starved. the story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room : I can't Hust. You have lived pretty much among them. help laughing at that-he, he, he for the soul In truth, I have been often surprised, that you, of me! We have laughed at that these twenty who have seen so much of the world, with your years—ha, ha, ha!
natural good sense, and your many opportunities, Hard. Ila, ha, ha! The story is a good one. could never yet acquire a requisite share of assuWell, honest Diggory, you may laugh at that, but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one Mar. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, of the company should call for a glass of wine, George, where could I have learned that assuhow will you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you rance you talk of? My life has been chiefly spenç please. [To Diggory.]—Eh, why don't you more? in a college, or an inn, in seclusion from that
Dig. Ecod, your worship, I never have cou- lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men rage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought confidence. I don't know that I was ever famiupo' the table, and then I'ın as bauld as a lion. liarly acquainted with a single modest woman
except my mother-But, among females of an Mar. Happy man! You have talents and art other class, you know
to captivate any woman. I'm doomed to adore Hast. dy; among them you are impudent the sex, and yet to converse with the only part enough of all conscience.
of it I despise. This stammer in my address, Mar. They are of us, you know.
and this awkward prepossessing visage of mine, Hast. But, in the company of women of repu- can never permit me to soar above the reach of a tation I never saw such an idiot, such a trembler; milliner's 'prevtice, or one of the dutchesses of you look for all the world as if you wanted an Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here to interopportunity of stealing out of the room.
rupt us. Mar. Ivhy, man, that's because I do want to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often forin
Enter HARDCASTLE. ed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away Hard. Gentlemen, once more you are heartily at any rate. But, I don't know how, a single welcome. Which is Mr Marlow ? Sir, you're glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally over- beartily welcome. It's not iny way, you see, to set my resolution. An impudent fe!low may receive my friends with my back to the fire. I counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a mo- like to give them a hearty reception, in the old dest man can ever conterfeit impudence. style, at my gate. I like to see their horses and
Hast. If you could but say half the tine things truuks taken care of. to them that I have heard you lavish upon the Mar. (Aside.) He has got our names from the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-ina- servants already.- [To him.) We approve your ker
caution and hospitality, sir.—[ To Hastings.] I Mar. Why, George, I can't say fine things to have been thinking, George, of changing our trathem. They freeze, they petrify me. They may velling dresses in the morning; I am grown contalk of a coinet, or a burning mountain, or some foundedly ashamed of mine. such bagatelle. But, to me, a modest woman, Hard. I beg, Mr Marlow, you'll use no ceredrest out in all her finery, is the most tremen- mony in this house. dous object of the whole creation !
Hast. I fancy, George, you're right: the first Hast. Ha, ha, ha! At this rate, man, how blow is half the battle. j intend opening the can you ever expect to marry ?
campaign with the white and gold. Mar. Never, unless, as among kings and prin vard. Mr Marlow-Mr Hastings-gentlemen ces, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If, --pray be under no restraint in this house. This indeed, like an eastern bridegroom, one were to is Liberty-hall
, gentlemen. You may do just as be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it you please here. might be endured. But to go through all the Mar. Yet, Ceorge, if we open the campaign terrors of a formal courtship, together with the too fiercely at first, we may want ammunition beepisode of aunts, grand-mothers and cousins, and fore it is over. I think to reserve the embroiat last to blurt out the broad staring-question, of, dery to secure a retreat. madam, will you marry me? No, no; that's a Hurd. Your talking of a retreat, Mr Marlow, strain much above cie, i assure you.
puts me in mind of the duke of Marlborough, Hast. I pity you. But how do you intend be- when he went to besiege Denain. He first sumhaving to the lady you are come down to visit at moned the garrisonthe request
Mur. Don't you think the ventre dor waistMar. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow coat will do with the plain brown? very low. Answer yes, or ro, to all her de Hard. He first summoned the garrison, which mands--But, for the rest, I don't think I shall might consist of about five thousand mei venture to look in her face, till I see my father's Hast. I think not: Brown and yellow mix but again.
very poorly. Hust. I'm surprised, that one, who is so warm Hard. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, a friend, can be so cool a lover.
he summoned the garrison, which might consist Mar. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my of about five thousand menchief inducernent down was to be instrumental Mar. The girls like finery. in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss Hard. Which might consist of about five thouNeville loves you; the family don't know you; as sand men, well appointed with stores, ammunimy friend, you are sure of a reception, and let tion, and other implements of war. Now, says honour do the rest,
the duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that Hast. My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the stood next to him—-You must have heard of emotion. Were I a wretch, meanly seeking to George Brooks?- I'll pawn my dukedom, says he, carry off a fortune, you should be the last man but I take that garrison without spilling a drop in the world I would apply to for assistance. But of blood. SoMiss Neville's person is all I ask, and that is Mar. What, my good friend, if you give us a inine, both from her deceased father's consent, glass of punch in the mean time? it would help and her own inclination.
us to carry on the siege with vigour. Vol. II.
Hard. Punch, sir! [Aside.] This is the most gene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with! Belgrade. You shall hear.
Mar. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, Mar. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I after our journey, will be comfortable. This is think it's almost time to talk about supper. Liberty-hall, you know.
What has your philosophy got in the house for Hard. Here's
supper? Mar. [Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty Hard. For supper, sir S-[Aside.? Was ever hall, will only let us have just what he pleases. such a request to a man in his own house !
Hurd. [Taking the cup.] I hope you'll find it Mar. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an to your mind. I have prepared it with my own appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients the larder, I promise you. are tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge Hard. (Aside.) Such a brazen dog sure never me, sir? Here, Mr Narlow, here is to our better my eyes beheld !--[To him.] Why, really, sir, as acquaintance!
[Drinks. for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and Mar. [Aside.] A very impudent fellow this! the cook-maid settle these things between them, but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Sir, my service to you.
Drinks. Mar. You do, do you? Hast. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give Hard. Entirely. By the by, I believe they are us his company, and forgets that he's an inn in actual consultation upon what's for supper this keeper, before he has learned to be a gentle moment in the kitchen.
Mar. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of Nar. From the excellence of your cup, my their privy council. It's a way I have got. When old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of I travel, I always chuse to regulate my own supbusiness in this part of the country? Warm work, per. Let the cook be called. No offence, I hope, now and then, at elections, I suppose ?
sir? Hard. No, sir, I bave long given that work Hard. O no, sir; none in the least; yet I don't
Since our betters have bit upon the expe- know how, our Bridget, the cook-maid, is not dient of clecting each other, there's no business very communicative upon these occasions. Should for us that sell ale.
we send for her, she might scold us all out of the Hast. So, then, you have no turn for politics, house. I find ?
Hast. Let's see the list of the larder, then. I Hurd. Not in the least. There was a time, ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite indeed, I fretted myself about the mistakes of to my bill of fare. government, like other people; but finding my Mar. [To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them self every day grow more angry, and the governs with surprise.] Sir, he's very right, and it's my ment growing no better, I left it to mend itself. way, too. Since that, I no more trouble my head about Hard. Sir, you have a right to command here. lleyder Alley, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally llere, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for toCroaker. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks. night's supper. I believe it's drawn out. Your
Hast. So that, with eating above stairs, and manner, Mr Hastings, puts me in mind of my drinking below, with receiving your friends uncle, colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, within, and amusing them without, you lead a that no man was sure of his supper till he bad good pleasant bustling lite of it.
eaten it. Hard. I do stir about a good deal, that's cer Hast. [Aside.] All upon the high ropes! His tain. Half the differences of the parish are ad uncle a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mojusted in this very parlour.
ther being a justice of peace. But let's hear the Alur. [After drinking.) And you have an ar bill of fare. gument in your cup, old gentleman, better than Mar. [Perusing.] What's here? For the first any in Westiniaster-hall.
course; for the second course; for the dessert. Hard. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little The devil, sir! do you think we have brought philosophy
down the whole joiners' company, or the corpoNiur. [iiside.) Well, this is the first time I ever ration of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two heard of an innkeeper's philosophy.
or three little things, clean and comfortable, will Hlust. So then, like an experienced general. do. you attack them on every quarter. If you find Hast. But, let's hear it. their reason manageable, you attack it with your Mar. (Reading] For the first course at the philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you top, a pig and pruin sauce. attack them with this. Here's your health, my llast. Damn your pig, I say ! philosopher!
[Drinks. Mur. Avd damu your pruin sauce, say I! Hard. Good, very good, thank you; ha, ha! Hard. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are Your generalship puts inc in mind of Prince Lu- hungry, pig, with pruin sauce, is very good eating.