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Mrs Hard. Seriously? Then, I shall be too itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one young for the fashion.
Hast. No lady begins now to put on jewels Mrs Hard. That's false; I never see you when till she is past forty. For instance, Miss, there, you are in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, ale-house or kennel. I am never to be delighta mere maker of samplers.
ed with your agreeable, wild notes, upfeeling Mrs Hard. And yet Mrs Niece thinks herself monster! as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the the oldest of us all.
wildest of the two. Hast. Your piece is she? And that young Miss Hard. Was ever the like? But I see be gentleman, a brother of yours, I should pre-wants to break my heart; I see he does. sume?
Hast. Dear madai, permit me to lecture the Mrs Hard. My son, sir! They are contracted young gentleman a little. I am certain I can to each other. Observe their litile sports. They persuade him to his duty. fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were Mrs Hard. Well! I must retire.-Come, man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, Constance, my love. You see, Mr Hastings, the child, what soft things are you saying to your wretchedness of my situation! Was ever poor cousin Constance this evening?
woman so .plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but provoking, undutiful boy. that it's very hard to be followed about so. —
[Ereunt Mrs HARDCASTLE and Miss Ecod! I've not a place in the house now, that is
NEVILLE left to myself, but the stable.
Tony. (Singing] Mrs Hard. Never mind him, Con, my dear.
There was a young man riding by, He's in another story behind your back.
And fain would have his will. Miss Nev. There's something generous in my
Rang do didlo dee. cousin's manner.
He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private.
Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort Tony. That's a damned confounded- of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry crack.
over a book for an hour together; and they said Mrs Hard. Ah, he's a sly one! Don't you they liked the book the better the more it made think they're like each other about the mouth, then cry. Mr Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth, to a T.- Hast. Then, you're no friend to the ladies, I They are of a size, too. Back to back, my pret- find, niy pretty young gentleman? ties, that Mr Hastings may see you. Coine, Tony. That's as I find 'um. Tony.
Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I Tony. You had as good not make me, I tell dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretyou.
[ Measuring ty well-tempered girl. Miss Neo. O, lud! he has almost cracked my Tony. That is because you don't know her as head.
well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her ; Mrs Hard. O, the monster! For shame, To- and there's not a more bitter cantanckerous toad ny! You a man, and behave so!
in all Christendom. Tony. If I am a man, let ine have my fortin. Hast. (Aside.] Pretty encouragement this for Ecod ! I'll not be made a fool of no longer. a lover!
Mrs Hard. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I Tony. I have seen her since the height of that! am to get for the pains I have taken in your edu- She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or cation? I, that have rocked you in your cradle, and a colt the first day's breaking. fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent. work that waistcoat to make you genteel? Did Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's not I prescribe for you every day, and weep with her play-mates, she's as loud as a hog in a while the receipt was operating?
gate. Tony. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you Hast. But there is a meck modesty about her have been dozing me ever since I was born. I that charms me. have gone through every recipe in the Complete Tony. Yes, but curb her never so little, she Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts kicks up, and you're flung in a ditch. of coursing me through Quincy next spring. Hust. Well, but you must allow her a little But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of beauty-Yes, you must allow her some beauty. no longer.
Tony. Bandbox ! She's all a made up thing. Mrs Hard. Was not it all for your good, vi- mun. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of per? Was not it all for your good?
these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, Tony. I wish you would let me and my good she has two eves as black as sloes, and cheeks as alone, then. Snubbing this way when I am in broad and red as a pulpit cushion! She'd make spirits ! If I am to have any good, let it come of two of she.
Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that your chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkwould take this bitter bargain off your hands? ling, and may be get you a part of her fortin beTony. Anan?
side, in jewels, that you little dream of. Hust. Would you thank him that would take Hast. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and spirit. your dear Betsy?
Tony. Come along, then, and you shall see Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend, more of my spirit before you have done with me. for who would take her?
(Singing. Hast. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall We are the boys never hear more of her.
That fears no noise, Tony. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last Where the thundering cannons roar ! drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to
Miss Hard. Mr Marlow's: his mauvaise honte,
his timidity struck me at the first sight. Enter HARDCASTLE.
Hard. Then your first sight deceived you; for
I think him one of the most brazen first sights Hard. What could my old friend, sir Charles, that ever astonished my senses. mean, by recommending his son as the modestest Miss Hard. Sure, sir, you' rally? I never saw young man in town? To me he appears the most any one so modest. impudent piece of brass, that ever spoke with a Hard. And can you be serious ! I never saw tongue. He has taken possession of the easy such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was chair by the fire-side already. He took off his born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them Miss Hard. Surprising! He met me with a taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his respectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look impudence affects my daughter-She will cer- fixed on the ground. tainly be shocked at it.
Hard. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly
air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze Enter Miss HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed.
Miss Hard. He treated me with diffidence Well, my Kate, I see you have changed and respect-censured the manners of the ageyour dress as I bid you; and yet, I believe, there admired the prudence of girls that never laughwas no great occasion.
ed-tired me with apologies for being tiresome Miss Hard. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obey- then left the room with a bow, and, madam, I ing your commands, that I take care to observe would not for the world detain you. them without ever debating their propriety. Hard. He spoke to me as if he knew me all
Hard. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you his life before. Asked twenty questions, and some cause, particularly when I recommended never waited for an answer. Interrupted my my modest gentleman to you as a lover to-day. best remarks with some silly pun, and when I
Miss Hard. You taught me to expect some- was in my best story of the Duke of Marlbothing extraordinary, and I find the original ex- rough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not ceeds the description.
a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he Hard. I was never so surprised in my life! asked your father if he was a maker of punch! He has quite confounded all
my faculties !
Miss Hard. One of us must certainly be misMiss Hurd. I never saw any thing like it :- taken. And a man of the world, too !
Hard. If he be what he has shewn himself, Hard. Ay, he learned it all abroad—what a I'm determined he shall never have my consent. fool was I, to think a young man could learn Miss Hard. And if he be the sullen thing I modesty by travelling! He might as soon learn take him, he shall never have mine. wit at a masquerade.
Hard. In one thing, then, we are agreed to Miss Hard. It seems all natural to him.
reject hiin. Hard. A good deal assisted by bad company, Miss Hard. Yes. But upon conditions. For and a French dancing-master.
if you should find him less impudent, and I more Miss Hard. Sure you mistake, papa ! a French presuming—if you find him more respectful, and dancing-master could never have taught him I more importunate- -I don't know- - the that timid look—that aukward address that fellow is well enough for a man-Certainly we bashful manner
don't meet many such at a horse race in the Hard. Whose look? whose manner, child country.
Hard. If we should find him so—But that's Tony. Never you mind her resentment; leave impossible. The first appearance has done my me to manage that. I don't value her resentbusiness. I'm seldom deceived in that.
ment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here Miss Hard. And yet there may be many good they are! Morrice! Prance ! qualities under that first appearance.
[Erit Hastings. Hurd. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she then sets about guessing the rest Enter Mrs HARDCASTLE, and Miss NEVILLE. of his furniture. With her, a smooth face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every
Mrs Hard. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. virtue.
Such a girl as you want jewels ! It will be time Miss Hard. I hope, sir, a conversation begun enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years bence, with a compliment to my good sense, won't end when your beauty begins to want repairs. with a sneer at my understanding ?
Miss Ned. But what will repair beauty at forHard. Pardon me, Kate! But if young Mrty, will certainly improve it at twenty, madam. Brazen can find the art of reconciling contradic- Mrs Hard. Yours, my dear, can admit of tions, he may please us both, perhaps.
That natural blush is beyond a thousand Miss Hard. And as one of us must be mis- ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out taken, what if we go to make further discoveries? ai present. Don't you see half the ladies of our
Hard. Agreed. But depend on't l'm in the acquaintance, my lady Kill-day-light, and Mrs right.
Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels Miss Hard. And depend on't I'm not much in to town, and bring nothing but paste and mar
casites back? Ereunt. Cliss Nev. But who knows, madam, but some
body, that shall be nameless, would like me best
with all my little finery about me? Enter Tony, running in with a casket.
Mrs Hard. Consult your glass, my dear, and Tony. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are.
then see it, with such a pair of eyes, you want My cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their my dear? does your cousin Con went any jewels, fortune neither. O! my genius, is that you? in your eyes, to set off her beauty?
Tony. That's as hereafter may be.
Miss Nev. My dear aunt, if you knew how it
would oblige me. Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed
Mrs Hard. A parcel of old-fashioned rose with
your mother? I hope you have amused her and table-cut things. They would make you look with pretending love for your cousin, and that like the court of king Solomon at a puppet-show. you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our Besides, I believe I can't readily come at them, horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we They may be missing for aught I know to the shall soon be ready to set of.
contrary. Tony. And here's scinething to bear your Tony. [Apart to Mrs Hard.] Then why don't charges by the way, [giving the casket.] Your you tell hier so at once, as she's so longing for sweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang those, them? Tell her they're lust. Its the only way I say, that would rob you of one of them. to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to
Hast. But how have you procured them from bear witness. your mother?
Afrs Hard. [Apart to Tony.) You know, my Tony. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So if I say no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thunb. they're gone, you'll bear me witness, will you? If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's Le! he! he! bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often Tony. Never fear mc. Ecod! I'll say I saw as I do? An honest man may rob himself of bis then taken out with my own eyes. own at any time.
Miss Nev. I desire them but for a day, madan, Hast. Thousands do it every day. But, to be Just to be permitted to shew them as relics, and plain with you, Miss Neville is endeavouring to then they may be locked up again. procure them from her aunt this very instant. If Mrs Hard. To be plain with you, my dear she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at Constance, if I could find them, you should least of obtaining them.
have them. They're missing, 1 assure you. Lost, Tony. Well, keep them, till you know how it for aught I know; but we must have patience will be. But I know how it will be well enough; wherever they are. she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in Aliss Neo. I'll not believe it. This is but a her head.
shallow pretence to deny me. I know they're Hast. But I dread the effects of her resent- too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you ment, when she finds she has lost them.
are to answer for the loss.
Mrs Hard. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If Mrs Hard. My dearest Tony, but hear me. they be lost, I must restore an equivalent. But They're gone, I say ! my son knows they are missing, and not to be Tony. By the laws, mamma, you make me for found.
to laugh, ha, ha! I know who took them well Tony. That I can bear witness to. They are enoughi, ha, ha, ha! missing, and not to be found, I'll take my oath Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a blockhead, on't.
that can't tell the difference between jest and Mrs Hard. You must learn resignation, my earnest! I tell you I'm not in jest, boohy. dear; for, though we lose our fortune, yet we Tony. That's right, that's right: You must be should not lose our patience. See me, how calm in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect I ain.
either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone. Miss Nev. Ay, people are generally calm at Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a crosythe misfortunes of others.
grained brute, that won't hear me! Can you bear Mrs Hard. Now, I wonder a girl of your good witness that you're no better than a fool? Was sense should waste a thought upon such trum- ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, pery. We shall soon find them; and, in the mean and thieves on the other ! time, you shail make use of my garnets till your Tony. I can bear witness to that. jewels be found.
Mrs Hard. Bear witness again, you blockhead Miss Neo. I detest garnets.
you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly! Mrs Hard. The most becoming things in the My poor niece! what will become of her? Do world to set off a clear coinplexion. You have you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed often seen how well they look upon me. You my distress? shall have them.
Erit. Tony. I can bear witness to that. Miss Nev. I dislike them of all things. You Mirs Hard. Do you insult me, monster? I'll shan't stir-Was ever any thing so provoking, to teach you to rex your mother, I will. mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear Tony. I can bear witness to that. trumpery?
(He runs off, she follows him. Tony. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are
Enter Miss HARDCASTLE, and Niaid. your own already. I have stolen them out of her Miss Hard. What an unaccountable creature bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your that brother of mine, to send them to the spark; he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave house as an inn, ha, ha! I don't wonder at luis me to manage her.
impudence. Miss Nev. My dear cousin !
Maid. But what is more, madam, the young Tony. Vanish! She's here, and has missed gentleman, as you passed by in your present them already. Zounds! how she fidgets and dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. lle spits about, like a Catharine wheel!
mistook you for the bar-maid, madam.
Miss Hard. Did he? Then, as I live, I'm reEnter Mrs HARDCASTLE.
solved to keep up the delusion. Tell me, Pimple, Mrs Hard. Confusion! thieves! robbers! We bo do you like my present dress! Don't you are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone ! think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux
Tony. What's the matter, what's the matter, Stratagem? mamma? I hope nothing has happened to any of
Maid. It's the dress, madam, that every lady the good family!
wears in the country, but when she visits or reMrs Hard. We are robbed! My bureau hasceives company. been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm Miss Hard. And are you sure he does not reundone!
member my face or person? Tony. Oh! is that all? Ha, ha, ha! By the Maid. Certain of it. laws, I never saw it better acted in
life! Miss Hard. I vow I thought so; for thongli Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, ha, we spoke for some time together, vet his fears ha, ha!
were such, that he never once looked up during Mrs Hard. Why, boy, I am ruined in earnest. the interview. Indeed if he had, my bonnet My bureau has been broke open, and all taken would have kept him from seeing me. away.
Maid. But what do you hope from keeping Tony. Stick to that; ha, ha, ha! stick to that; him in his mistake? I'll bear witness, you know; call me to bear wit- Miss Hard. In the first place, I shall be seen;
and that is no small advantage to a girl, who Mrs Hard. I tell you, Tony, by all that's pre- brings her face to a market. Then I shall percious, the jewels are gone, and I shall be ruined haps make an acquaintance; and that's no small for ever!
victory gained over one, who never addresses any Tony. Sure I know they're gone, and I am to but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is say so.
to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an VOL. II.
invisible champion of romance, examine the Mar. Of true English growth, I assure you. giant's force, before I offer to combat.
Miss Hard. Then it's odd I should not know Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, it. We brew all sorts of wines in this house, and disguise your voice, so that he may mistake and I have lived here these eighteen years. that, as he has already inistaken your person? Mar. Eighteen years! Why, one would think,
Miss Hard. Never fear me. I think I have child, you kept the bar before you were born. got the true bar-cant-Did your honour call ?– How old are you? Attend the Lion there-Pipes and tobacco for Miss Hard. O! sir, I must not tell my age. the Angel—The Lamb has been outrageous this They say women and music should never be dahalf hour.
ted. Maid. It will do, madam. But he's here. Mar. To guess, at this distance, you can't be
[Exit Maid. much above forty. (Approaching.) Yet nearer
I don't think so much." [Approaching.) By coEnter Marlow.
ming close to some women, they look younger
still; but when we come very close indeed-(AtMar. What a bawling in every part of the tempting to kiss her.). house; I have scarce a moment's repose. If IV Miss Hard. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One go to the best room, there I find my host and his would think you wanted to know one's age as story. If I fly to the gallery, there we have my they do horses, by mark of mouth. hostess, with her curtesy down to the ground. I Mar. I protest, child, you use me extremely have, at last, got a moment to myself, and now ill. If you keep me at this distance, how is it posfor recollection.
[Walks, and muses. sible
and I can be ever acquainted ? Miss Hard. Did you call, sir? did your honour Miss Hard. And who wants to be acquainted call ?
with you! I want no such acquaintance, not I. Mar. [Musing.] As for Miss Hardcastle, she's I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, that too grave and sentimental for me.
was here a while ago, in this obstropalous manMiss Hard. Did your honour call?
I'll warrant me, before her, you looked [She still places herself before him, he dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and talkturning away.]
ed, for all the world, as if you was before a jusMar. No, child—[ Musing.] Besides, from the tice of the peace. glimpse I had of her, I think she squints.
Mar. [Aside.] Egad ! she has hit, sure enough! Miss Hard. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell [To her. In awe of her, child? Ha, ha, ha! A ring.
mere, awkward, squinting thing! no, no. I find Mar. No, no, -[Musing.) I have pleased my you don't know me. I laughed, and rallied her father, however, by coming down, and I'll to- a little; but I was unwilling to be too severe. morrow please myself, by returning.
No, I could not be too severe, curse me! [Taking out his tablets, and perusing. Miss Hard. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, Miss Hard. Perhaps the other gentleman call-I find, among the ladies?
Mar. Yes, my dear, a great farourite. And Mar. I tell you, no.
yet, hang me, I don't see what they find in me to Miss Hard. I should be glad to know, sir. We follow. At the Ladies club in town, I'm called have such a parcel of servants !
their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my Mur. No, no, I tell you. [Looks full in her real name, but one I'm known by. My name is face.] Yes, child, I think I did call. I wanted Solomons. Mr Solomons, my dear, at your serI wanted -I vow, child, you are vastly hand-vice!
(Offering to salute ker.
Miss Hard. Hold, sir ! you were introducing Miss Hurd. O la, sir, you'll make one asha- me to your club, not to yourself. And you're so med!
great a favourite there, you say? Mar. Never saw a more sprightly malicious Mar. Yes, .my dear. There's Mrs Mantrap, eye! Yes, yes, my dear; I did call
. Have you lady Betty Blackleg, the countess of Sligo, Mrs got any of your--- -what d'ye call it in the Longhorns, old miss Biddy Buckskin, and your house)
humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place. Aliss Hard. No, sir, we have been out of that Miss Hard. Then it's a very merry place, I these ten days.
suppose ? Mar One may call in this house, I find, to Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, suppers, wine, very little purpose. Suppose I should call for a and old women, can make us, taste, just by way of trial, of the nectar of your Miss Hard. And their agreeable Rattle, ha, lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that, ha, ha!
Mar. [Aside.] Egad! I don't quite like this Miss Hard. Nectar! nectar! that's a liquor chit. She looks knowing, methinks. You laugh, there's no call for in these parts. French, I sup- child ! pose? We keep no French wines here, sir. Miss Hard. I can't but laugh to think what