sir, and I desire that you and your drunken pack | his mistake, but it is too soon quite to undeceive may leave my house directly! him. Mar. Leave your house!- -Sure you jest, my good friend? What, when I'm doing what I can to please you?

Hard. I tell you, sir, you don't please me; so I desire you'll leave my house!

Mar. Sure you cannot be serious? At this time o'night, and such a night! You only mean to banter me?

Hard. I tell you, sir, I'm serious! and, now that my passions are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command you to leave it directly.

Mar. Ha, ha, ha! A puddle in a storm! I shan't stir a step, I assure you! [In a serious tone.] This your house, fellow! It's my house! This is my house! Mine, while I choose to stay!| What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me, never in my whole life before!

Mar. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may your business in this house be?

Miss Hard. A relation of the family, sir.
Mar. What! A poor relation?

Miss Hard. Yes, sir! A poor relation, appointed to keep the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. Mar. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn?

Miss Hard. Inn! O law-What brought that in your head? One of the best families in the county keep an inn! Ha, ha, ha! Old Mr Hardcastle's house an inn!

Mar. Mr Hardcastle's house! Is this house
Mr Hardcastle's house, child?
Miss Hard. Ay, sure,

be!

Whose else should it

Mar. So, then, all's out, and I have been Hard. Nor I; confound me if ever I did! To damnably imposed on! O! confound my stupid come to my house, to call for what he likes, to head! I shall be laughed at over the whole town! turn me out of my own chair, to insult the fa- I shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the printmily, to order his servants to get drunk, and then shops! The Dullissimo Maccaroni. To mistake to tell me, This house is mine, sir! By all that's this house of all others for an inn; and my faimpudent, it makes me laugh! Ha, ha, ha! Pray, ther's old friend for an inn-keeper! What a sir, [Bantering.] as you take the house, what swaggering puppy must he take me for! What a think you of taking the rest of the furniture? silly puppy do I find myself! There, again, may There's a pair of silver candlesticks, and there's I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the a fire-screen, and here's a pair of brazen-nosed bar-maid! bellows, perhaps you may take a fancy to them? Mar. Bring me your bill, sir, bring me your bill, and let's make no more words about it.

hear more of it.

Miss Hard. Dear me! Dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in my behaviour to put me upon a level with one of that stamp.

Mar. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of blunders, and could not help making you a subscriber. My stupidity saw every thing the wrong way, I mistook your assiduity for assurance, and your simplicity for allurement. But its over-This house I no more shew my face in!

Miss Hard. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you! I'm sure I should be sorry to affront any gentleman who has been so polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be sorry [Pretending to cry.] if he left the family upon my account. I'm sure I should be sorry people said any thing amiss, since I have no fortune but my character.

Hard. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, I was taught to expect a wellbred, modest man, as a visitor here; but now, I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; Mar. [Aside.] By Heaven, she weeps! This but he will be down here presently, and shall is the first mark of tenderness I ever had from a [Exit. modest woman, and it touches me. [To her.] Mar. How's this! Sure I have not mistaken Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part the house! Every thing looks like an inn. The of the family I leave with reluctance! But, to be servants cry, Coming. The attendance is auk-plain with you, the difference of our birth, forward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she's here, and will further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.

Miss Hard. Let it be short, then; I'm in a hurry. [Aside.] I believe he begins to find out

tune, and education, make an honourable connexion impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of bringing ruin upon one, whose only fault was being too lovely.

Miss Hard. [Aside.] Generous man! I now begin to admire him! [To him.] But I'm sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's, and, though

I'm poor, that's no great misfortune to a contented mind; and, until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune.

Mar. And why now, my pretty simplicity? Miss Hard. Because it puts me at a distance from one, that if I had a thousand pound, I would give it all to.

er leave my horse in a pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you so becoming.

Miss Nev. Agreeable cousin! who can help admiring that natural humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless, [Patting his cheek.] Ah! it's a bold face!

Mar. [Aside.] This simplicity bewitches me; so that, if I stay, I'm undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. [To her.] Your par-hazel tiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly, and were I to live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too much Mrs Hard. Ah, he would charm the bird from to the opinion of the world, too much to the au- the tree! I was never so happy before! My boy thority of a father, so that I can scarcely speak takes after his father, poor Mr Lumpkin, exactit-it affects me. Farewell! [Exit MAR.ly! The jewels, my dear Con, shall be yours inMiss Hard. I never knew half his merit till continently. You shall have them. Is not he a now. He shall not go, if I have power or art to sweet boy, my dear? You shall be married todetain him. I'll still preserve the character in morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his educawhich I stooped to conquer, but will undeceive tion, like Dr Drowsey's sermons, to a fitter opmy papa, who, perhaps, may laugh him out of portunity. his resolution. [Exit MISS HARDCASTLE.

Mrs Hard. Pretty innocence!

Tony. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con's eyes, and her pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that, over the haspicholls, like a parcel of bobbins.

Enter TONY, and MISS NEVILLE. Tony. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time; I have done my duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she believes it was all a mistake of the servants.

Miss Nev. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this distress. If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, which is ten times worse.

Tony. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like Whistlejacket, and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you nicely before her face. Here she comes; we must court a bit or two more, for fear she should suspect us.

[They retire, and seem to fondle. Enter MRS HARDCASTLE.

Mrs Hard. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, however, till they are fairly married; and then, let her keep her own fortune. But, what do I see? Fondling together, as I'm alive! I never saw Tony so sprightly before! Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves! What, billing, exchanging stolen glances, and broken murmurs? Ah!

Tony. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be sure. But there's no love lost between us.

Mrs Hard. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make it burn brighter.

Enter DIGGory.

Dig. Where's the 'Squire? I have got a letter for your worship.

Tony. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first.

Dig. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands.

Tony. Who does it come from?

Dig. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter

itself.

Tony. I could wish to know, though.

[Turning the letter, and gazing on it. Miss Nev. [Aside.] Undone, undone. A letter to him from Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. [To MRS HARDCASTLE.] But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart answer just now to Mr Marlow. We so laughed-You must know, madam -this way a little, for he must not hear us.

[They confer.

Tony. [Still gazing.] A damned cramped piece of penmanship, as ever I saw in my life! I can read your print-hand very well. But here there are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head from the tail. To Anthony Lumpkin, Esq.' It's very odd, I can read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough. But, when I come to open it, it's all-buzz. That's hard, very hard: for the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence.

Mrs Hard. Ha, ha, ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was too hard for the philosopher?

Miss Nev. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at home. Indeed, he shan't Miss Nev. Yes, madam; but you must hear leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin the rest, madam. A little more this way, or he Tony, will it? may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled him Tony. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd soon- again.

Mrs Hurd. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks.

Tony. [Still gazing.] A damned up and down hand, as if it was disguised in liquor. [Reading.] Dear sir,' Ay, that's that. Then there's an M, and a T, and an S! but whether the next be an izzard or an R, confound me, I cannot tell!

Mrs Hard. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any assistance?

Miss Nev. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better than I. [Twitching the letter from her.] Do you know who it is from?

Tony. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.

Miss Neo. Ay, so it is, [Pretending to read.] Dear Squire, hoping that you're in health, as I < am at this present. The gentlemen of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of the Goose-green quite out of feather. The odds-um-odd battle-um-long fighting-um.' here, here; it's all about cocks, and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put it up, put it up.

[Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him. Tony. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world. I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it out. Of no consequence?

[Giving MRS HARDCASTLE the letter. Mrs Hard. How is this! [Reads.]' Dear Squire, I am now waiting for Miss Neville, with a post chaise and pair, at the bottom of the garden; but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised.Dispatch is necessary, as the hag (ay the hag) your mother, will otherwise suspect us. Your's, Hastings.' Grant me patience! I shall run distracted! My rage chokes me!

Miss Nev. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, that belongs to another.

Tony. Ay, that's a sure thing. Miss Nev. What better could be expected from being conneted with such a stupid fool, and after all the nods and signs I made him!

Tony. By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice, and so busy with your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe.

Enter HASTINGS.

Hast. So, sir, I find, by my servant, that you have shewn my letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman?

Tony. Here's another. Ask miss, there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was her doing, not mine.

Enter MARLOW.

Mar. So I have been finely used here among you! Rendered contemptible, driven into illmanners, despised, insulted, laughed at !

Tony. Here's another! We shall have old Bedlam broke loose presently.

Miss Nev. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every obligation.

Mar. What can I say to him? a mere booby, an idiot, whose ignorance and age are a protection.

Hast. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction.

Miss Nev. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with all our embarrassments.

Hast. An insensible cub.

Mar. Replete with tricks and mischief.

Tony. Baw! damme, but I'll fight you both, one after the other-with baskets.

Mar. As for him, he's below resentment.But your conduct, Mr Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive me!

Hast. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr Marlow.

Mar. But, sir

Miss Nev. Mr Marlow, we never kept on your mistake, till it was too late to undeceive you.― Be pacified.

Enter Servant.

Mrs Hard. [Curtseying very low.] Fine spoken madam! you are most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy and circumspection. Madam! [Changing her tone.] And you, you great ill-fashioned oat, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut! Were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warrant me. You, too, sir, Miss Nev. Well, well; I'll come presently. may mount your horse, and guard us upon the Mar. [To HASTINGS.] Was it well done, sir, to way. Here, Thonas, Roger, Diggory, I'll shew assist in rendering me ridiculous? To hang me you, that I wish you better than you do your-out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? Deselves. [Erit.pend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. Miss Nev. So, now, I'm completely ruined! Hast. Was it well done, sir, if you are upon

Ser. My mistress desires you'll get ready immediately, madam. The horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. are to go thirty miles before morning.

We

[Exit Servant.

ACT V.

but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family?

Hard. Impudence! No, I don't say thatNot quite impudence-Though girls like to be played with, and rumpled too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you.

Mur. I never gave her the slightest cause.
Hard. Well, well. I like modesty in its place
well enough. But this is over acting, young
gentleman. You may be open.
Your father

and I will like you the better for it.
Mar. May I die, sir, if I ever-
Hard. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as
I'm sure you like her-

Mar. Dear-I protest, sir

Hard. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the parson can tie you.

Mar. But hear me, sir

Hard. Your father approves the match, I admire it, every moment's delay will be doing mischief, so

Mar. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting.

Hard. [Aside.] This fellow's formal, modest impudence, is beyond bearing.

Sir Cha. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations?

Sir Cha. Did he talk of love?
Miss Hurd. Much, sir.

Sir Cha. Amazing! And all this formally?
Miss Hard. Formally.

Hard. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied?

Slr Cha. And how did he behave, madam? Miss Hard. As most profest admirers do. Said some civil things of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine ; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy-speech, and ended with pretended rapture.

Sir Cha. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his conversation among women to be modest and submissive. This forward, canting, ranting manner, by no means describes him, and I'm confident he never sat for the picture.

Miss Hard. Then what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half an hour, will place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his passion to me in person.

Sir Cha. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my happiness in him must have an end. [Exit. Miss Hard. And if you don't find him what I describe-I fear my happiness must never have a beginning. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-The back of the garden.

Enter HASTINGS.

Hast. What an ideot am I, to wait here for a Mar. As Heaven is my witness, I came down fellow, who probably takes a delight in mortifyin obedience to your commands! I saw the ladying me. He never intended to be punctual, and without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from leaving a house, in which I suffer so many mortifications.

[Exit.

Sir Cha. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted!

Hard. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his assurance.

Sir Cha. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth.

Hard. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon her veracity.

Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.

Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely, and without reserve; has Mr Marlow made you any professions of love and affection?

Miss Hard. The question is very abrupt, sir! But since you require unreserved sincerity,

think he has.

Hard. [To SIR CHARLES.] You see!

I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he, and perhaps with news of my Constance.

Enter TONY, booted and spattered. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks like friendship.

Tony. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the by, is cursedly tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage coach.

Hast. But how? Where did you leave your fellow travellers? Are they in safety? Are they housed?

Tony. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half, is no such bad driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: Rabbit me, but I'd rather ride forty miles after a fox, than ten with such Ivarment!

Sir Cha. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than one interview?

Miss Hard. Yes, sir, several.

Hard. [To SIR CHARLES.] You see!

Sir Cha. But did he profess any attachment?
Miss Hard. A lasting one.

VOL. II.

Hast. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience.

Tony. Left them? Why, where should I leave them, but where I found them?

.Hust. This is a riddle !

Tony. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house?

6 F