Sir A. Oh! that shall be as your wife chooses. Sir A. Ay, ay, settle that between you, settle that between you. Capt. A. A wife, Sir, did you say? Capt. A. Nay, Sir, upon my word Sir A. So you will fly out! can't you be cool, like me? what the devil good can passion do? passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! there, you sneer again! Sir A. Ay, a wife: why, did not I mention her don't provoke me: but you rely upon the mildness before? Capt. A. Not a word of her, Sir. Sir A. Odd so; I mustn't forget her, though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with a wife: but I suppose that makes no difference? Capt. A. Sir, Sir! you amaze me! of my temper, you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! yet, take care; the patience of a saint may be overcome at last! but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, whyconfound you! I may in time forgive you. If not, Sir A. Why, what the devil's the matter with zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with the fool? just now you were all gratitude and duty. me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the Capt. A. I was, Sir: you talked to me of inde- same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a pendence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife. sun of your own: I'll strip you of your commisSir A. Why, what difference does that make?sion: 'I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands Odds life, Sir! if you have the estate, you must of trustees, and you shall live on the interest. I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll unget you! and take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. [Exit. damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! Capt. A. Mild, gentle, considerate father! I kiss your hands. Enter FAG. Capt. A. Pray, Sir, who is the lady? Sir A. What's that to you, Sir? come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly. Capt. A. Sure, Sir, that is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of! Sir A. I am sure, Sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of. Capt. A. You must excuse me, Sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you. Sir A. Harkye, Jack;-I have heard you for some time with patience I have been cool,-quite cool; but take care; you know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led, when I have my own way; but don't put me in a frenzy. Capt. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I cannot obey you. you Jack Sir A. Now, damn me, if ever I call again while I live! Capt. A. Nay, Sir, but hear me. Sir A. Sir, I wont hear a word, not a word! not one word! so give me your promise by a nod, and I'll tell you what, Jack-I mean, you dogif you don't, by Capt. A. What, Sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness; to Sir A. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew-She shall be all this, sirrah! yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night, to write sonnets on her beauty. Capt. A. This is reason and moderation, indeed! Sir A. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! Capt. A. Indeed, Sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir A. 'Tis false, Sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Capt. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty better: Sir A. None of your passion, Sir! none of your violence, if you please; it wont do with me, I promise you. Capt. A. Indeed, Sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir A. 'Tis a confounded lie! I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog; but it wont do. VOL. I....2 Y 30* Fag. Assuredly, Sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time-muttering, g.owling, and thumping the bannisters all the way; I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door; rap, he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master: then, kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all for a puppy triumvirate! upon my credit, Sir, were I in your place, and found my father such bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance. did you Capt. A. Cease your impertinence, Sir; come in for nothing more?-Stand out of the [Pushes him aside, and exit. FAG, solus. way. So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his father, and vents his spleen on poor Fag! when one is vexed by one person, to revenge one's self on another who happens to come in the way, shows the worst of tempers, the Enter ERRAND BOY. Boy. Mr. Fag, Mr. Fag! your master calls you. Fag. Quick, quick! you impudent jackanapes! am I to be commanded by you too, you little, impertinent, insolent, kitchen bred [Kicks him off. SCENE II-The North Parade. Enter LUCY. Lucy. So, I shall have another rival to add to my mistress' list; Captain Absolute :-however, 1 shall not enter his name till my purse has received due notice in form. Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Delia, as he calls her: I wonder he 's not here! Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. Sir L. Hah! my little ambassadress! upon my conscience I have been looking for you; I have been on the South parade this half hour. Lucy. [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North. Sir L. 'Faith! may be that was the reason we creature says. Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty!That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.-She is taken with Sir Lucius' address. [Gives him a letter. Sir L. [Reads.] Sir-There is often a sudden Fag. How! what tastes some people have! incentive impulse in love, that has a greater in-Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a duction than years of domestic combination: such hundred times.-But what says our young lady? was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous any message to my master? view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Very pretty Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his Lucy. Sad news, Mr. Fag! A worse rival than upon my word! Female punctuation forbids me to say more; yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Yours, while meretricious. DELIA. Upon my conscience, Lucy, your lady is a great Lucy. Ay, Sir, a lady of her experience. Sir L. 'Faith, she must be very deep read, to write this way; though she is rather an arbitrary writer, too-for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Christendom. However, when affection guides the pen, he must be a brute who finds fault with the style. Lucy. Ah, Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you! son. Fag. What, Captain Absolute? Lucy. Even so, I overheard it all. Lucy. Well you may laugh, but it is true, I Fag. Oh, he'll be so disconsolate! Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. Fag. Never fear-never fear. Lucy. Be sure bid him keep up his spirits. SCENE I-The North Parade. Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Capt. A. 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed!— Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to Sir L. Oh, tell her, I'll make her the best hus-run away with! He must not know of my conband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain! but we must get the old gentlewoman's consent, and do every thing fairly. Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice! nexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary Sir L. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: I am so poor, that I can't afford to do Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. a dirty action. If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal Sir A. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, [Gives her Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague money.] here's a little something to buy you a him. At our last meeting, his impudence had alriband; and meet me in the evening, and I will most put me out of temper-An obstinate, pasgive you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a sionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? kiss beforehand, to put you in mind. [Kisses her. This is my return for getting him before all his Lucy. O lud! Sir Lucius-I never seed such a brothers and sisters! for putting him, at twelve gemman! my lady wont like you, if you're so im-years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing pudent. Sir L. 'Faith she will, Lucy; that same-pho; what's the name of it; modesty! is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my dear. Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie? Sir L. Ah then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. For shame now; here is some one coming. him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever Capt. A. Now for a penitential face! [Aside. Capt. A. Sir, you see a penitent before you. Sir A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me. Capt. A. A sincere penitent. I am come, Sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will. SCENE II.] Sir A. What's that? THE RIVALS. Capt. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kind ness, and condescension to me. Sir A. Weli, Sir? Capt. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing, what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.. Sir A. Well, puppy? graces of that kind-now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and, though one eye may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Sir A. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite! A vile, insensible re-stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life, I've a great mind to marry the girl myself! Capt. A. Why, then, Sir, the result of my flections is, a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction. Sir A. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard any thing more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again. Capt. A. I am happy in the appellation. Sir A. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented me telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? Capt. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? Did you never Sir A. Worcestershire! no. meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Capt. A. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay, I think I do recollect something-Languish -Languish-She squints, don't she?-A little red-haired girl? no! Sir A. Squints!-A red-haired girl! Zounds, Capt. A. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. Sir A. Jack, Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? Capt. A. I am entirely at your disposal, Sir; if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or, if you should change your mind, and take the old lady,-'tis the same to me, I'll marry the niece. Sir A. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or--but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie, I'm sure it must-come, now, damn your demure face, come, confess, Jack, you have been lyingha'n't you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey?-I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the hypocrite. Capt. A. I'm sorry, Sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken. Sir A. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you-come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back, stark [Exeunt. mad with rapture and impatience-if you don't, 'egad, I'll marry the girl myself. SCENE II-JULIA's Dressing Room. Faulk. They told me Julia would return diCapt. A. As to that, Sir, I am quite indifferent; rectly: I wonder she is not yet come!-How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of if I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. Sir A. Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes, so mine appear to my cooler judgment! What teninnocently wild, so bashfully irresolute, not a der, honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we glance but speaks and kindles some thought of met!-How delicate was the warmth of her exlove! Then Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! pressions!-I was ashamed to appear less happy, so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-though I had come resolved to wear a face of cooltale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips, smiling at their own discretion! and, if not smiling, more sweetly pouting-more lovely in sullenness! Then Jack, her neck! O, Jack, Jack! Capt. A. And which is to be mine, Sir, the niece, or the aunt? Sir A. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you. When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket. The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched any thing old or ugly, to gain an empire. Capt. A. Not to please your father, Sir? Sir A. To please my father-Zounds! not to please-O, my father-Oddso!-Yes, yes; if my father, indeed, had desired-that's quite another matter-Though he wasn't the indulgent father that I am, Jack. Capt. A. I dare say not, Sir. Sir A. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful! Capt. A. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, Sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something Ebout a hump or two, one eye, and a few more ness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming-Yes, I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay. Enter JULIA. Jul. I had not hoped to see you again so soon. Faulk. Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome, restrained as we were, by the presence of a third person? Jul. Oh, Faulkland! when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not think that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation. Faulk. 'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you to see you in such health: Sure I had no cause for coldness? Jul. Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill: You must not conceal from me what it is. Faulk. Well, then, shall I own to you, that my joy at hearing of your health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped, by his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire; on your mirth-your sing I ing-dancing-and I know not what! For such is my temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment, in your absence, as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear, that steals down the cheek of parting lovers, is a compact, that no smile shall live there till they meet again. Jul. Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teazing, minute caprice? Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh, in your breast, against my tried affection? Faulk. They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no, I am happy, if you have been so-yet only say that you did not sing with mirth,-say that you thought of Faulkland in the dance. Jul. I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of content, it is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland's truth. Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you when I say, that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose unkindness had caused my tears. Faulk. You were ever all goodness to me! Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a doubt of your true constancy! Jul. If ever, without such cause from you as I will not suppose possible, you find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial scoff for levity and base ingratitude! Faulk. Ah, Julia! that last word is grating to me! I would I had no title to your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia: perhaps what you have mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart! Jul. For what quality must I love you? Faulk. For no quality: To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding were only to esteem me! And for person-I have often wished myself deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part of your affection. Jul. Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked my eyes if it were so or not. Faulk. Now, this is not well from you, Julia: I despise person in a man, yet, if you loved me as I wish, though I were an Ethiop, you'd think none so fair. Jul. I see you are determined to be unkindThe contract, which my poor father bound us in, gives you more than a lover's privilege. Faulk. Again, Julia, you raise ideas, that feed and justify my doubts. How shall I be sure, had you remained unbound in thought or promise, that I should still have been the object of your persevering love. Jul. Then try me now-Let us be free as strangers, as to what is past: My heart will not feel more liberty. Faulk. There, now! so hasty, Julia! so anxious to be free! If your love for me were fixed and ardent, you would not loose your bonds, even though I wished it! Jul. Oh, you torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it! Faulk. I do not mean to distress you: If I loved you less, I should never give you any uneasy moment. I would not boast, yet let me say, that I have neither age, person, or character, to found dislike on; my fortune such, as few ladies could be charged with indiscretion in the match. O, Julia! when love receives such countenance from prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth. Jul. I know not whither your insinuations would tend; but, as they seem pressing to insult I will spare you the regret of having done so -I have given you no cause for this! me, [Exit in tears. Faulk. In tears? stay, Julia-stay but for a moment-The door is fastened!-Julia, my soul! but for one moment!-I hear her sobbing! 'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use her thus!-Yet stayAy, she is coming now: how little resolution there is in woman! how a few soft words can turn them! -No, zounds! she's not coming, nor don't intend it, I suppose! This is not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it. What, after so long an absence, to quarrel with her tenderness! 'twas barbarous and unmanly!--I should be ashamed to see her now. I'll wait till her just resentment is abated, and when I distress her so again, may I lose her for ever! [Exit. SCENE III-MRE. MALAPROP's Lodgings. MRS. MALAPROP, with a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Mrs. M. Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation; but, from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am convinced you deserve the character here given of you. Capt. A. Permit me to say, Madam, that, as I never yet have had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair, at present, is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop, of whose intellectual accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tengue is silent. Mrs. M. Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be seated. [Sits.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman! Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty! | Capt. A. It is but too true, indeed, Ma'am; yet I fear our ladies should share the blame; they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge, in them, would be superfluous. Thus, like garden trees, they seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom: few, like Mrs. Malaprop, and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once! Mrs. M. Sir, you overpower me with good breeding. He is the very pine-apple of politeness! You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has, somehow, contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows any thing of. Capt. A. Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. I'm not at all prejudiced against her on that account, but it must be very distressing, indeed, Ma'am. Mrs. M. Oh, it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree!-I thought she had persisted, from corresponding with him; but behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow-I believe I have it in my pocket. Capt. A. Oh, the devil! my last note! [Aside. Mrs. M. Ay, here it is. Capt. A. Ay, my note, indeed! O, the little traitress, Lucy! [Aside. Mrs. M. There, perhaps you may know the [Gives him the letter. writing. Capt. A. I think I have seen the hand beforeyes, I certainly must have seen this hand before.Mrs. M. Nay, but read it, captain. Capt. A. [Reads.] My soul's idol, my adored Lydia! Very tender, indeed! Mrs. M. Tender! ay, and profane too, o'my conscience! Capt. A. I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival Mrs. M. That's you, Sir. Capt. A. Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman, and a man of honour.-Well, that 's handsome enough. Mrs. M. Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so. Capt. A. That he had, I'll answer for him, Ma'am. Mrs. M. But go on, Sir-you'll see presently. Capt. A. As for the old weather-beaten shedragon, who guards you-Who can he mean by that? Mrs. M. Sir? [Aside. Mrs. M. What did you say of Beverley? Mrs. M. 'Twould be a trick she well deserves Capt. A. 'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, Mrs. M. The little hussy wont hear.-Well, Capt. A. As you please, Ma'am. Mrs. M. For the present, captain, your servant Mrs. M. Me, Sir-me-he means me there--Ah, you've not done laughing yet, I see-elude what do you think now ?-but go on a little fur ther. Capt. A. Impudent scoundrel!-it shall go hard but I will elude her vigilance; as I am told that the same ridiculous ranity, which makes her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words which she don't understand Mrs. M. There, Sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that ?-an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute ! Sure if I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs. Capt. A. He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see-same ridiculous ranity Mrs. M. You need not read it again, Sir! Capt. A. I beg pardon, Ma'am-does also lay her open to the grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration-an impulent coxcomb-so that I have a scheme to see you shortly, with the old harridan's consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interviews.--Was ever such assurance! Mrs. M. Did you ever hear any thing like it? -He'll elude my vigilance, will he?-yes, yes!ha, ha! he's very likely to enter these doors!we'll try who can plot best! Capt. A. So we will, Ma'am-so we will.Ha, ha, ha a conceited puppy! ha, ha, ha!-I Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little timelet her even plot an elopement with him-then do you connive at her escape-while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead. Mrs. M. I am delighted with the scheme; never was any thing better perpetrated. Capt. A. But pray, could I not see the lady for a few minutes now?-I should like to try her temper a little. Mrs. M. Why, I don't know-I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this kind.-There is a decorum in these matters. Capt. A. O Lord, she wont mind me!-only tell her, Beverley [Exit. Capt. A. Ha, ha, ha! one would think, now, that I might throw off all disguise at once, and seize my prize with security-but such is Lydia's caprice, that, to undeceive, were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows me. my vigilance! yes, yes-Ha, ha, ha! [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures. Enter LYDIA. Lyd. What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful, than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one's heart.—I have heard of girls persecuted, as I am, who have appealed, in behalf of their favoured lover, to the generosity of his rival: suppose I were to try it-there stands the hated rival-an officer too!-but, oh, how unlike my Beverley!-I wonder he don't begin-truly, he seems a very negligent wooer! quite at his ease, [Turns round. upon my word!-I'll speak first-Mr. Absolute! Capt. A. Ma'am. Lyd. O heavens! Beverley! Capt. A. Hush-hush, my life!-softly! be not surprised! Lyd. I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed!-for heaven's sake, how came you here? Capt. A. Briefly-I have deceived your auntwas informed that my new rival was to visit here this evening, and, contriving to have him kept away, have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute. Lyd. Oh, charming-And she really takes you for young Absolute? Capt. A. Oh, she 's convinced of it. Lyd. Ha, ha, ha! I can't forbear laughing, to think how her sagacity is over-reached. Capt. A. But we trifle with our precious moments-such another opportunity may not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and, with a licensed warmth, plead for reward. Lyd. Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth ?—that burden on the wings of love? |