Lucy. Ha ha! ha: you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty!-That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. She is taken with Sir Lucius's address. Fag. How! what tastes some people have! Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred times. But what says our young lady ?—Any message to my master ? Lucy. Sad news, Mr. Fag! A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What, Captain Absolute? Lucy. Even so. I overheard it all. Fag. Ha! ha ha! very good, 'faith! Good b'ye, Lucy, I must away with this news. Lucy. Well, you may laugh, but it is true, I assure you. [Going.] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this. Fag. Oh, he'll be so disconsolate! Lucy. And charge him, not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. Fag. Never fear-never fear. Lucy. Be sure, bid him keep up his spirits. Fag. We will-we will. [Exeunt severally. ACT THE THIRD. SCENE I. The North Parade. Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Capt. Abs. "Tis just as Fag told me, indeed! Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters, however I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but I can assure him, it is very sincereSo, so, here he comes-he looks plaguy gruff! [Steps aside. Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. Sir Anth. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years, to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper-An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds ayear, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him-he's any body's son for me I never will see him more -never-never-never-never. Capt. Abs. Now for a penitential face! Capt. Abs. Sir, you see a penitent before you. Sir Anth. I see an impudent scoundrel before me. Capt. Abs. A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will. Sir Anth. What's that? Capt. Abs. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me. Sir Anth. Well, sir? Capt. Abs. I have been likewise weighing, and balancing, what you were pleased to mention, concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. Sir Anth. Well, puppy? Capt. Abs. Why, then, sir, the result of my refles. E tions is, a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction. Sir Anth. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard any thing more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again. Capt. Abs. I am happy in the appellation. Sir Anth. Why, then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? Capt. Abs. Languish? What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? Sir Anth. Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Capt. Abs. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay, I think I do recollect something-Languish-Languish- -She squints, don't she?-A little redhaired girl? Sir Anth. Squints !-A red-haired girl! Z-ds! no! Capt. Abs. Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? Capt. Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent; if I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. Sir Anth. Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles, some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O Jack, lips, smiling at their own discretion! and, if not smiling, more sweetly pouting-more lovely in sullenness! Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack! Capt. Abs. And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt? Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you. When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with, your mother, I would not have touched any thing old, or ugly, to gain an empire. Capt. Abs. Not to please your father, sir? Sir Anth. To please my father- -Z-ds! not to please-O, my father-Oddso!-yes, yes; if my father, indeed, had desired-that's quite another matter-Though he wasn't the indulgent father that I am, Jack. Capt. Abs. I dare say not, sir. Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful? Capt. Abs. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind-now, without being very nice, I own I should rather chuse a wife of mine, to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and, though one eye may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite! A vile, insensible stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life, I've a great mind to marry the girl myself! Capt. Abs. I am entirely at your disposal, sir; if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or, if Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a Capt. Abs. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty, Sir Anth. Hang your respect and duty! But, come SCENE II, JULIA'S Dressing Room. FAULKLAND. Faulk. They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come!-How mean does this captious, unsatisfied, temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! What tender, honest joy, sparkled in her eyes, when we met! How delicate was the warmth of her expressions!—I was ashamed to appear less happy, though I had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: Yet |