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JARVIS.

He fhall be turn'd off at Tyburn, the dog; we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the reft of the family.

HONEYWOOD.

No, Jarvis: it's enough that we have loft what he has ftolen, let us not add to it the lofs of a fellow creature!

JARVIS.

Very fine; well, here was the footman juft now, to complain of the butler; he fays he does most work, and ought to have most wages.

HONEYWOOD.

That's but juft; though perhaps here comes the butler to complain of the footman.

JARVIS.

Ay, its the way with them all, from the fcullion to the privy-counfellor. If they have a bad master, they keep quarrelling with him: if they have a good mafter, they keep quarrelling with one another.

Enter BUTLER, drunk.

BUTLER.

Sir, I'll not stay in the family with Jonathan muft part with him, or part with me, that's the ex-ex-expofition of the matter, Sir.

you

HONEYWOOD.

Full and explicit enough. But what's his fault,

good Philip?

BUTLER.

BUTLER.

Sir, he's given to drinking, Sir, and I fhall have my morals corrupted, by keeping fuch company. HONEYWOOD.

Ha ha! He has fuch a diverting way

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I find my wines a-going, Sir; and liquors don't go without mouths, Sir; I hate a drunkard, Sir. HONEYWOOD.

Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you upon that another time, fo go to bed now.

JARVIS.

To bed! Let him go the devil.

BUTLER.

Begging your honour's pardon, and begging your pardon, master Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to mind my cellar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came on purpose to tell you.

HONEYWOOD.

Why didn't you fhew him up, blockhead?

BUTLER.

Shew him up, Sir! With all my heart, Sir. Up or down, all's one to me.

JARVIS.

Exit.

Ay, we have one or other of that family in this houfe from morning till night. He comes on the

old

old affair, I fuppofe. The match between his fon, that's just returned from Paris, and Mifs Richland, the young lady he's guardian to.

HONEYWOOD.

Perhaps fo. Mr. Croaker, knowing my friendship for the young lady, has got it into his head that I can perfwade her to what I please.

JARVIS.

Ah! if you loved yourself but half as well as fhe loves you, we should soon see a marriage that would fet all things to rights again.

HONEYWOOD.

Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream. No, no; her intimacy with me never amounted to more than friendship-mere friendship. That she is the most lovely woman that ever warm'd the human heart with defire, I own. But never let me harbour a thought of making her unhappy, by a connection with one fo unworthy her merits as I am. No, Jarvis, it fhall be my study to serve her, even in fpite of my wishes; and to fecure her happiness, though it destroys my own.

JARVIS.

Was ever the like! I want patience.

HONEYWOOD.

Befides, Jarvis, though I could obtain Miss Richland's confent, do you think I could fucceed with her guardian, or Mrs. Croaker his wife; who, tho' both very fine in their way, are yet a little oppofite in their difpofitions you know,

JARVIS.

JARVIS.

Oppofite enough, heaven knows; the very reverse of each other; fhe all laugh and no joke; he always complaining and never forrowful; a fretful foul that has a new diftrefs for every hour in the four and twenty

poor

HONEYWOOD.

Hufh, hufh, he's coming up, he'll hear you.
JARVIS.

One who's voice is a paffing bell

HONEYWOOD,

Well, well, go, do.

JARVIS.

A raven that bodes nothing but mischief; a coffin and cross bones; a bundle of rue; a sprig of deadly night fhade; a-(Honeywood stopping his mouth, at last pushes him off.) [Exit Jarvis.

HONEYWOOD.

I must own my old monitor is not entirely wrong. There is fomething in my friend Croaker's converfation that quite depreffes me. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and his appearance has a ftronger effect on my fpirits than an undertaker's fhop. Mr. Croaker, this is fuch a fatisfaction

Enter CROAKER.

CROAKER.

A pleasant morning to Mr. Honeywood, and many of them. How is this! you look most shock

ingly to day, my dear friend. I hope this weather does not affect your fpirits. To be fure, if this weather continues-I fay nothing-But God fend we be all better this day three months.

HONEYWOOD."

I heartily concur in the wifh, though I own not in your apprehenfions.

CROAKER.

May be not indeed what fignifies what weather we have in a country going to ruin like ours? taxes rifing and trade falling. Money flying out of the kingdom, and Jefuits fwarming into it. I know at this time no less than an hundred and twenty-feven Jefuits between Charing-crofs and Temple-bar.

HONEYWOOD.

The Jefuits will scarce pervert you or me, I should hope.

CROAKER.

May be not. Indeed what fignifies whom they pervert in a country that has scarce any religion to lofe? I'm only afraid for our wives and daughters. HONEYWOOD.

I have no apprehenfions for the ladies, I affure

you.

CROAKER.

May be not. Indeed what fignifies whether they be perverted or no? the women in my time were good for fomething. I have seen a lady dreft from top to toe in her own manufactures formerly. But

now

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