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JARVIS. He shall be turn'd off at Tyburn, the dog; we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the rest of the family.
HoneyWood. No, Jarvis : it's enough that we have loft what he has stolen, let us not add to it the loss of a fel. low creature!
JARVIS. Very fine; well, here was the footman just now, to complain of the butler; he says he does most work, and ought to have most wages.
Honeywood. That's but just; though perhaps here comes the butler to complain of the footman.
JARVIS. Ay, its the way with them all, from the scullion to the privy-counsellor. If they have a bad master, they keep quarrelling with him : if they have a good mafter, they keep quarrelling with one another.
Enter BUTLER, drunk.
BUTLER. Sir, I'll not stay in the family with Jonathan you
with him, or part with me, that's the ex-ex-exposition of the matter, Sir.
HoneyWOOD. Full and explicit enough. But what's his fault, good Philip?
Butler, Sir, he's given to drinking, Sir, and I shall have my morals corrupted, by keeping fuch company.
BUTLER. I find my wines a-going, Sir; and liquors don't go without mouths, Sir; I hate a drunkard, Sir.
HONEYWOOD. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you upon that another time, so go to bed now.
BUTLER. Begging your honour's pardon, and begging your pardon, master Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to mind my cellar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came on purpose to tell you.
Butler. Shew him up, Sir! With all my heart, Sir. Up or down, all's one to me.
Exit. JARVIS. Ay, we have one or other of that family in this house from morning till night. He comes on the
old affair, I suppose. The match between his son, that's just returned from Paris, and Miss Richland, the young lady he's guardian to.
HONEYWOOD. Perhaps fo. Mr. Croaker, knowing my friendship for the young lady, has got it into his head that I can perswade her to what I please.
JARVIS. Ah! if you loved yourself but half as well as she loves you, we should soon see a marriage that would set all things to rights again.
HoneyWOOD. Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream. No, no; her intimacy with me never amounted to more than friendship-mere friendship. That she is the most lovely woman that ever warm’d the human heart with desire, I own. But never let me harbour à thought of making her unhappy, by a connection with one so unworthy her merits as I am. No, Jarvis, it fall be my study to serve her, even in spite of my wishes; and to secure her happiness, though it destroys my own.
Honeywood. Besides, Jarvis, though I could obtain Miss Richland's consent, do you think I could succeed with her guardian, or Mrs. Croaker his wife; who, tho' both very fine in their way, are yet a little opposite in their dispositions you know,
JARVIS. Opposite enough, heaven knows; the very reverse of each other; she all laugh and no joke'; he always complaining and never forrowful; a fretful poor soul that has a new distress for every hour in the four and twenty
JARVIS. A raven that bodes nothing but mischief; a coffin and cross bones; a bundle of rue ; a sprig of deadly night shade; a-(Honeywood stopping his mouth, at last pushes him off)
[Exit Jarvis. HONEYWOOD. I must own my old monitor is not entirely wrong. There is something in my friend Croaker's converfation that quite depresses me. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and his appearance has a stronger effect on my spirits than an undertaker's shop.-Mr. Croaker, this is such a satisfaction
CROAKER. A pleasant morning to Mr. Honeywood, and many of them. How is this ! you look most shock
ingly to day, my dear friend. I hope this weather does not affect your spirits. To be fure, if this weather continues I say nothing-But God send we be all better this day three months.
HONEYWOOD I heartily concur in the wish, though I own not in your apprehensions.
CROAKER. May be not! indeed what fignifies what weather we have in a country going to ruin like ours ? taxes rising and trade falling Money flying out of the kingdom, and Jesuits swarming into it. I know at this time no less than an hundred and twenty-seven Jesuits between Charing-cross and Temple-bar.
HoneyWOOD. The Jesuits will scarce pervert you or me, I should hope.
CROAKER. May be not. Indeed what signifies whom they pervert in a country that has scarce any religion to lose? I'm only afraid for our wives and daughters.
HONEYWOOD. I have no apprehenfions for the ladies, I assure you.
CROAKER. May be not. Indeed what fignifies whether they be perverted or no? the women in my time were good for something. I have seen a lady drest from top to toe in her own manufactures formerly. But