TONY.

Ay; but you must be sure to take only one of them.

MARLOW.

O Sir, you're facetious.

TONY.

Then keeping to the right, you are to go side-ways till you come upon Crack-skull common: there you must look sharp for the track of the wheel, and go forward, 'till you come to farmer Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old mill

MARLOW.

Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude!

This house promises but a poor reception; though perhaps the Landlord can accommodate us.

LANDLORD.

Alack, master, we have but one spare bed in the whole house.

TONY.

And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. (after a pause, in which the rest seem disconcerted) I have hit it. Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could accommodate the gentlemen by the fire side, with three chairs and a bolster? fire-fide,

HASTINGS.

I hate sleeping by the fire-side.

MARLOW.

And I detest your three chairs and a bolster.

TONY.

You do, do you?—then let me fee—what—if

you

go on a mile further, to the Buck's Head; the old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the best inns in the whole county?

HASTINGS

HASTIN G. S.

Oho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however.

LANDLORD.

(Apart to Tony) Sure, you ben't sending them to your father's as an inn, be you?

TONY.

Mum, you fool you. Let them find that out. (to them) You have only to keep on streight forward, till you come to a large old house by the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns over the door. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly

about you.

HASTINGS.

Sir, we are obliged to you. The servants can't miss the way ?

TONY.

No, no: But I tell you though, the landlord is rich, and going to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a Gentleman, saving your presence, he! he! he! He'll be for giving you his company, and ecod if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was an alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace.

LANDLORD:

A troublesome old blade to be sure; but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country. MARLO W.

Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no further connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say?

TONY.

No, no; streight forward, I'll just step myself, and shew you a piece of the way. (to the landlord) Mum.

LANDLORD.

Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, pleasant

damn'd mischievous son of a whore.

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

[Exeunt.

ACT

ACT II.

SCENE, An old-fashioned House.

Enter Hardcastle, followed by three or four auk ward Servants.

WELL

HARDCASTLE.

ELL, I hope you're perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, and can show that you have been used to good company, without ever stirring from home.

Ay, ay,

OMNES.

HARDCASTLE.

When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frighted rabbits in a warren.

OMN S.

o, no.

HARD CASTLE.

You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a shew at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets. Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter.

DIGGOR Y. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill

HARDCASTLE.

You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all attention to the guests. You must hear us talk,

and not think of talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat, and not think of eating.

DIGGORY.

By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly impoffible. Whenever Diggory sees yeating going forward, ecod he's always wishing for a mouthful himself. HARDCAST LE

Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection.

DIGGORY.

Ecod I thank your worship, I'd make a shift to stay my stomach with a flice of cold beef in the pantry.

HARDCASTLE.

Diggory, you are too talkative. Then if I happen to fay a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out a-laughing, as if you made of the company.

1

DIGGORY.

part

Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun room: I can't help laughing at that he he! he!—for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years—ha! ha! ha!

HARDCASTLE.

Well,

Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. - honest Diggory, you may laugh at that--but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you behave ? A glass of wine, Sir, if you please (to Diggory)—Eh, why don't you move?

DIG GORY.

Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till. I see the eatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld as a lion.

HARDCASTLE.

What, will no body move?

FIRST SERVANT.
I'm not to leave this pleace.

SECOND

SECOND SERVANT.

I'm sure it's no pleace of mine.

THIRD SERVANT.

DIGGORY.

Nor mine, for sartain.

Wauns, and I'm sure it

anna be mine.

HARDCASTLE.

You numbskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I find I must begin all oven again. But don't I hear a coach drive into the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and give my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit Hardcastle.

DIGGOR Y.

By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head.

ROGER.

I know that my pleace is to be every where.

FIRST SERVANT.

Where the devil is mine?

SECOND SERVANT.

My pleace is to be no where at all; and so Ize go about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frighted, different ways.

Enter Servant with Candles, shewing in Marlow and Hastings.

SERVANT.

Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome.

This way.

HAST NGS.

After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a very well looking house; antique, but creditable.

MARLOW.

The usual fate of a large mansion.

Having first

ruined the master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn.