24

SCENE 2.

Enter Stellio and Riscio.

Stel. Riscio, my daughter is passing amiable, but very simple.

Ris.

You mean a fool, sir.

Stel. Faith, I imply so much.

Ris. Then I apply it fit: the one she takes of her father, the other of her mother; now you may be sure she is your own. Stel. I have penned her up in a chamber, having only a window to look out, that youths, seeing her fair cheeks, may be enamored before they hear her fond 11 speech. How likest thou this head? 12 Ris. There is very good workmanship in it, but the matter is but base; if the stuff had been as good as the mold, your daughter had been as wise as she is beautiful.

Stel. Dost thou think she took her foolishness of me?

Ris. Aye, and so cunningly that she took it not from you.

Stel. Well, Quod natura dedit, tollere nemo potest.13

Ris. A good evidence to prove the feesimple of your daughter's folly. Stel. Why?

Ris. It came by nature, and if none can take it away, it is perpetual.

Stel. Nay, Riscio, she is no natural fool, but in this consisteth her simplicity, that she thinketh herself subtle; in this her rudeness, that she imagines she is courtly; in this the overshooting of herself, that she overweeneth of herself. Ris. Well, what follows? Stel. Riscio, this is my plot. Memphio hath a pretty stripling to his son, whom with cockering 15 he hath made wanton: his girdle must be warmed, the air must not breathe on him, he must lie abed till noon, and yet in his bed break his fast; that which I do to conceal the folly of my daughter, that doth he in too much cockering of his son. Now, Riscio, how shall I compass a match between my girl and his boy?

Ris. Why, with a pair of compasses; and bring them both into the circle, I'll warrant they'll match themselves.

Stel. Tush! plot it for me that never speaking to one another, they be in love one with another. I like not solemn

11 foolish.

12 Possibly Stellio shows Riscio a

Pris. It is unneighborly done to suffer your son since he came from school to spend his time in love; and unwisely done to let him hover over my daughter, who hath nothing to her dowry but her needle, and must prove a sempster; nor he anything to take to but a grammar, and cannot at the best be but a schoolmaster.

Sper. Prisius, you bite and whine, wring me on the withers, and yet wince yourself; it is you that go about to match your girl with my boy, she being more fit for seams than for marriage, and he for a rod than a wife.

Pris. Her birth requires a better bridegroom than such a groom.

Sper. And his bringing up another-gate 17 marriage than such a minion.

Pris.

Marry, gup! 18 I am sure he hath no better bread than is made of wheat, nor worn finer cloth than is made of wool, nor learned better manners than are taught in schools.

Sper. Nor your minx had no better grandfather than a tailor, who (as I have heard) was poor and proud; nor a better father than yourself, unless your wife borrowed a better, to make her daughter a gentlewoman.

Pris.

Twit not me with my ancestors, nor my wife's honesty; if thou dost— (Threatening him.)

14 title.

15 petting.

16 get the better of.

17 another kind of. 18 go up, hold on!

Sper. Hold thy hands still, thou hadst best; and yet it is impossible, now I remember, for thou hast the palsy. Pris. My hands shake so that wert thou in place where,19 I would teach thee to cog.20

Sper. Nay, if thou shake thy hands, I warrant thou canst not teach any to cog. But, neighbor, let not two old fools fall out for two young wantons. Pris. Indeed, it becometh men of our experience to reason, not rail; to debate the matter, not to combat it. Sper. Well, then, this I'll tell thee friendly. I have almost these two years cast in my head how I might match my princox 21 with Stellio's daughter, whom I have heard to be very fair, and know shall be very rich: she is his heir; he dotes, he is stooping old, and shortly must die. Yet by no means, either by blessing or cursing, can I win my son to be a wooer, which I know proceeds not of bashfulness but stubbornness, for he knows his good; though I say it, he hath wit at will; as for his personage, I care not who sees him; I can tell you he is able to make a lady's mouth water if she wink not.

Pris. Stay, Sperantus, this is like my case, for I have been tampering as long to have a marriage committed between my wench and Memphio's only son: they say he is as goodly a youth as one shall see in a summer's day, and as neat a stripling as ever went on neat's leather; his father will not let him be forth of his sight, he is so tender over him; he yet lies with his mother for 22 catching cold. Now my pretty elf, as proud as the day is long, she will none of him; she forsooth will choose her own husband: made marriages prove mad marriages; she will choose with her eye, and like with her heart, before she consent with her tongue; neither father nor mother, kith nor kin, shall be her carver in 23 a husband, she will fall to where she likes best; and thus the chick scarce out of her shell cackles as though she had been trodden with an hundred cocks, and mother of a thousand eggs.

Sper. Well then, this is our best, seeing we know each other's mind, to devise to govern our own children; for my boy, I'll keep him to his books, and study shall make him leave to love; I'll break

Enter Candius and Livia.

Sper. (Aside.) This happens pat; take heed you cough not, Prisius.

Pris. (Aside.) Tush! spit not you; and I'll warrant, I, my beard is as good as a handkerchief.

Liv. Sweet Candius, if thy father should see us alone, would he not fret? The old man methinks should be full of fumes. Can. Tush! let him fret one heart-string against another, he shall never trouble the least vein of my little finger. The old churl thinks none wise unless he have a beard hang dangling to his waist. When my face is bedaubed with hair as his, then perchance my conceit may stumble on his staidness.

Pris. (Aside.) Aye? In what book read you that lesson?

Sper. (Aside.) I know not in what book

he read it, but I am sure he was a knave to learn it.

Can. I believe, fair Livia, if your sour

sire should see you with your sweetheart he would not be very patient.

Liv. The care is taken. I'll ask him blessing as a father, but never take counsel for an husband; there is as much odds between my golden thoughts and his leaden advice, as between his silver hairs and my amber locks. I know he will cough for anger that I yield not, but he shall cough me a fool for his labor.25 Sper. (Aside to Pris.) Where picked your daughter that work, out of broadstitch?

Pris. (Aside.) Out of a flirt's sampler. But let us stay the end; this is but the beginning; you shall hear two children well brought up!

Can. Parents in these days are grown peevish: they rock their children in their cradles till they sleep, and cross them about their bridals till their hearts ache. Marriage among them is become a mar

ket. What will you give with your daughter? What jointure will you make for your son? And many a match is broken off for a penny more or less, as though they could not afford their children at such a price, when none should cheapen such ware but affection, and none buy it but love.

Sper. (Aside.) Learnedly and scholar-like. Liv. Indeed our parents take great care to make us ask blessing and say grace when we are little ones, and growing to years of judgment, they deprive us of the greatest blessing and the most gracious things to our minds, the liberty of our minds; they give us pap with a spoon before we can speak, and when we speak for that we love, pap with a hatchet;26 because their fancies being grown musty with hoary age, therefore nothing can relish in their thoughts that savors of sweet youth; they study twenty years together to make us grow as straight as a wand, and in the end by bowing us, make us crooked as a cammock.27 For mine own part, sweet Candius, they shall pardon me, for I will measure my love by mine own judgment, not my father's purse or peevishness. Nature hath made me his child, not his slave; I hate Memphio and his son deadly, if I wist he would place his affection by his father's appointment. Pris. (Aside.) Wittily but uncivilly! Can. Be of that mind still, my fair Livia; let our fathers lay their purses together, we our hearts: I will never woo where I cannot love. Let Stellio enjoy his daughter. But what have you wrought here?

Liv. Flowers, fowls, beasts, fishes, trees, plants, stones, and what not. Among flowers, cowslips and lilies, for our names Candius and Livia. Among fowls, turtles 28 and sparrows, for our truth and desires. Among beasts, the fox and the ermine, for beauty and policy. And among fishes, the cockle and the tortoise, because of Venus. Among trees, the vine wreathing about the elm, for our embracings. Among stones, Asbeston, which being hot, will never be cold,29 for our constancies. Among plants, thyme and heartsease, to note

26 A proverbial expression for the rough performance of necessary service. such as the feeding

Is there art in love?

Liv. Can. A short art and a certain: three rules in three lines.

Liv. I pray thee, repeat them.

Can. Principio quod amare velis reperire labora,

Proximus huic labor est placidam exorare puellam,

Tertius ut longo tempore duret amor.31 Liv. I am no Latinist, Candius; you must construe it.

Can. So I will, and pace 32 it too; thou shalt be acquainted with case, gender and number. First, one must find out a mistress whom before all others he voweth to serve. Secondly, that he use all the means that he may to obtain her. And the last, with deserts, faith, and secrecy, to study to keep her.

Liv. What's the remedy?
Can. Death.

Liv. What of all the book is the conclusion?

Can. This one verse: Non caret effectu quod voluere duo.

Liv. What's that?

Can. Where two are agreed, it is impossible but they must speed.

Liv. Then cannot we miss; therefore give me thy hand, Candius.

Pris. (Advancing.) Soft, Livia, take me with you; 33 it is not good in law without witness. Sper. And as I remember, there must be two witnesses. God give you joy, Candius; I was worth the bidding to dinner, though not worthy to be of the counsel. Pris. I think this hot love hath provided but cold cheer.

Sper. Tush! in love is no lack. But blush not, Candius, you need not be ashamed of your cunning; you have made love a book-case, and spent your time well at school learning to love by art and hate

against nature. But I perceive the worser child the better lover. Pris. And my minion hath wrought well, where every stitch in her sampler is a pricking stitch at my heart. You take your pleasure on parents: they are peevish, fools, churls, overgrown with ignorance, because overworn with age; little shalt thou know the case of a father before thyself be a mother, when thou shalt breed thy child with continual pains, and bringing it forth with deadly pangs, nurse it with thine own paps, and nourish it up with motherly tenderness; and then find them to curse thee with their hearts, when they should ask blessing or on their knees, and the collop 34 of thine own bowels to be the torture of thine own soul; with tears trickling down thy cheeks, and drops of blood falling from thy heart, thou wilt in uttering of thy mind wish them rather unborn than unnatural, and to have had their cradles their graves rather than thy death their bridals. But I will not dispute what thou shouldst have done, but correct what thou hast done; I perceive sewing is an idle exercise, and that every day there come more thoughts into thine head than stitches into thy work; I'll see whether you can spin a better mind than you have stitched, and if I coop you not up, then let me be the capon.

Sper. As for you, sir boy, instead of poring on a book, you shall hold the plough; I'll make repentance reap what wantonness hath sown. But we are both well served: the sons must be masters,35 the fathers gaffers; 35 what we get together with a rake, they cast abroad with a fork, and we must weary our legs to purchase our children 36 arms.3 Well, seeing that booking is but idleness, I'll see whether threshing be any occupation; thy mind shall stoop to my fortune or mine shall break the laws of nature. How like a micher 37 he stands, as though he had truanted from honesty! Get thee in, and for the rest let me alone. In, villain!

Pris. And you, pretty minx, that must be fed with love upon sops,38 I'll take an order to cram you with sorrows. Get you in, without look or reply.

34 piece.

35 gentlemen

commoners.

Enter at opposite sides Dromio and
Riscio.

Dro. Now if I could meet with Riscio it were a world of waggery.

Ris. Oh, that it were my chance, Obviam dare Dromio, to stumble upon Dromio, on whom I do nothing but dream. Dro. His knavery and my wit should make our masters, that are wise, fools; their children, that are fools, beggars; and us two, that are bond, free.

Ris. He to cozen and I to conjure would make such alterations that our masters should serve themselves; the idiots, their children, serve us; and we to wake our wits between them all.

Dro. Hem quam opportune: look if he drop not full in my dish!

Ris. Lupus in fabula! Dromio, embrace me! hug me! kiss my hand! I must make thee fortunate.

Dro. Riscio, honor me! kneel down to me!

kiss my feet! I must make thee blessed. Ris. My master, old Stellio, hath a fool to his daughter.

Dro. Nay; my master, old Memphio, hath a fool to his son.

Ris. I must convey 39 a contract.
Dro.

And I must convey a contract. Ris. Between her and Memphio's son, without speaking one to another. Dro. Between him and Stellio's daughter, without one speaking to the other.

Then are we both driven to our wits' ends, for if either of them had been wise

we might have tempered; if no marriage, yet a close 40 marriage. Dro. Well, let us sharpen our accounts; there's no better grindstone for a young man's head than to have it whet upon an old man's purse. Oh, thou shalt see my knavery shave like a razor!

42

Ris. Thou for the edge, and I the point, will make the fool bestride our mistress' backs, and then have at the bag with the dudgeon haft,41 that is, at the dudgeon dagger, by which hangs his tantony pouch. Dro. These old huddles have such strong purses with locks, when they shut them they go off like a snaphance.43

Ris. The old fashion is best: a purse with a ring round about it, as a circle to curse a knave's hand from it. But, Dromio, two they say may keep counsel if one be away; but to convey knavery, two are too few and four too many. Dro. And in good time, look where Halfpenny, Sperantus' boy, cometh; though bound up in decimo sexto ** for carriage, yet a wit in folio for cozenage.

Enter Halfpenny.

Single Halfpenny, what news are now current?

Half. Nothing but that such double coistrels 45 as you be are counterfeit. Ris. Are you so dapper? We'll send you for an halfpenny loaf.

Half. I shall go for silver though, when you shall be nailed up for slips.46 Dro. Thou art a slipstring,47 I'll warrant. Half. I hope you shall never slip string, but hang steady.

Ris. Dromio, look here; now is my hand on my halfpenny.

Half. Thou liest; thou hast not a farthing

to lay thy hands on: I am none of thine. But let me be wagging; my head is full of hammers,48 and they have so malletted my wit that I am almost a malcontent. Dro. Why, what's the matter? Half. My master hath a fine scholar to his son, Prisius a fair lass to his daughter. Dro. Well!

Half. They two love one another deadly. Ris. In good time!

Half. The fathers have put them up,49 utterly disliking the match, and have appointed the one shall have Memphio's son, the other Stellio's daughter; this works like wax, but how it will fadge in the end, the hen that sits next the cock cannot tell.

Ris. If thou have but any spice of knavery we'll make thee happy. Half. Tush! doubt not of mine; I am as full for my pitch 50 as you are for yours; a wren's egg is as full of meat as a goose egg, though there be not so much in it; you shall find this head well stuffed, though there went little stuff to it. Dro. Laudo ingenium, I like thy sconce; then hearken. Memphio made me of his counsel about marriage of his son to Stellio's daughter; Stellio made Riscio acquainted to plot a match with Memphio's son. To be short, they be both fools.

51

43 firelock musket. 44 Halfpenny was evidently a very small boy.