THE LAST SILVER SIXPENCE. "Tis the last silver sixpence Left shining alone; No poor bit is nigh, I'll not keep thee, thou lone one, Since the rest are at Gorham's, With a fragrant Havana I'll whiff away care, Shall float on the air. Ah, then would I perish, My purse growing lean, And duns only come, OBSCURITATIS PLENE QUESTIONES, CUM NOTIS COPIOSIS AD EXPLICATIONEM. EUCLIDIUS, Newtonius, multique pariter insignes, olim floruêre: qui omnes, addendo et deducendo quædam mira faciebant. Opera quorum ingenii, Novunculos herbaceos, nuper a mammá disjunctos, aut nunc, (ut verius dicamus,) anxiis matribus desideratos, in lacrymas solvunt. Sophomoros verô, inani labore fatigatos, exacerbant, penitus obfuscant, cruentêque laniunt. Juniores etiam, quamvis alicui diras imprecari foedum sit, illos scriptores antiquos et venerabiles, conviciis contumeliisque blasphemiter lacessunt. Seniores autem, his morosis adstantes, incedunt per ora inagnifice, et, naso ita pollice adjuncto, ut iis stomachus moveatur, benigne arrident, auremque praebent malitiosam. Accedit etiam ironice blandiloquentia multa. Hoc quidem est gravius, quam ut tolerari potest. Sed tamen sunt, quos miseret illorum. Igitur, quidam artium fanatici mathematicarum, artificia permulta excogitavere; quibus omnes, etiam stolidissimi, loca in his libris obscura, perspicere possent: unumque librum (Euclidium) illuminare et perforare solent. Sed frustrâ. Haec nihil valent. Inanum est perforare; nam cæco, solidum est foramen. Ridiculum est illuminare, atque supervacaneum. Profecto nocte oppressis, nihil sole oriente jucundius; at verô, quibus DIES perpetuus ante oculos versetur, ii quomodo lucis egeant? De quibus praeter Novos et Sophomoros hoc mirum dicere possumus? Medio DIE, in media nocte sunt; et media nocte, in medio DIE sunt. Hoc tamen est tam verum, ut nihil sit verius. Ex hoc DIE nocturno fiunt, oculi humore fluentes, cordis palpitatio, cani, rugae, tabes cadavera, horrendus Ephialtes, atque fluncta stupendissima! 66 Sed ne longus sim, pauca nunc de me ipso dicam. Non cupio famam: pecuniæ non mihi opus est; nec animî cruciatu afficere volo. Quamobrem Anglicê problemata mea scripta sunt. Tamen sunt (proh pudor !) qui, quas ne attingere quidem debebant, in his rebus maximê occupantur. Tales ita de me dicent; "aliquem se putat ;" suum cuique pulchrum est ;" "laudis gratia scribit;"" deficit illum pecunia." Quicunque haec verba in medium proferet, aheneus mendax et impudentissimus. Curaeque est etiam diabolo, et si mihi usquam aut unquam occurrat, hanc vocem "peccavi!" naso colliso exhalabit. At verò, Latinê scribendo, colligere pecuniam! Ha! ha! ha! Ehem! Eheu! Mihi pretio, erunt duæ Yalenses Magazine! Sed meo patre vivente, flumen est argentî perenne. Pauci forte dicant, (et non malo animo) "Newtonium aemulari studet." Mortui nomen illius mathematici, non maledictis increpabo. Hoc tamen (si fas est dictu) piissimê dicitur et reverentissime; Newtonius felix fuit scientiâ, qualis si mihi esset, in vaporem, paucis diebus, evanescerem. Quæ me causa quidem impulerit, ut has quæstiones ederem? Hoc meum responsum est; "Tra hit sua quemque voluptas." Ego, Scientiæ amore ardeo, flagro, deflagro! Insaniam mathematicam insanio! Nunc itaque Yalenses! tua capita scalpatote! frontes contrahite! oculos claudite! tum has quæstiones subjunctas excogitate! QUÆSTIONES. 1st. If three men work ten days on a fertile farm, what is the Logarithm? 2d. If three men, one of them a colored man and the other a female, set out simultaneously, which'll get there first? Required also from these premises, the time of starting, starting point, destination, and the "Natural Number" belonging to the other. Explanatory Note.-X-O-B, the probable age of the parties multiplied into the distance traveled. 3d. Of what use is a compass without a needle, and which way does it point? 4th. What is the required length of a limited steel wire which runs the other way? Note-X+X+X=other way. 5th. As a general thing, which will do the most good? Note.-Supply the ellipsis "X=the former; y=the latter." In the solution of this problem, which, if correctly stated, is extremely simple, the following Alligational Formula is employed. Note.-EXPAND the Formula, and proceed by rule. 6th. If three watches don't keep time with either of them, which will gain? Note. The first was an English watch; the other a French Lepine, having seven holes jeweled. 7th. Given-The complexion, age, and height of a middle-sized man. RequiredThe nature of his business, his annual gains, and prospects in life. 8th. In a large household neither father or mother knew any thing. How was it with the family? 9th. Is a man ever justifiable in either case, and if so, which? 10th. Does it really make any odds in the Long Run? Note.-Long Run-xy200Xxy+xxxx300 yyyyyy. 11th. Given-John Randolph. Well, what of it? Note.-Explain the different steps minutely. Note.-2C-Both. 12th. If a man stand upon the sea-shore, with his eye elevated 4 feet 8 inches, which way will he look, and what will he see? What is his name? How long will he stand there? Which way did he come from? Where will he go when he gets through looking? How long will he be on the road, and what will he do when he gets there? Note. The solution of these questions will require some study. 13th. Who did what? And how did he do it? Note.-" Did what?"-B. 14th. Given-The whole length and part of the breadth. What's required? 15th. Two men unable to travel set out on a journey, at different times, in company with a third in the same condition. For three hours the first two kept ahead of each other, when, a violent snow-storm arising, all three lost their way. What's required? Note. See Donnegan's Lexicon. 16th. Required-A series of factors expressing the relation of father to son. 17th. Required-In terms of X-the relative situation of any two country villages, with the population of the former. Note.-Massachusetts. 18th. Required-The nature of the curve described by the stone which smote Goliath. Note.-Vide" Newton's Principia" 397-bdc-Y. V. X. Soc. Phil.; etiam, "Confusius de Parabolico," et "Metaphysicles de Obfuscatione" 84-xd-margin. 19th. If a hard knot be tied in a cat's tail, which way, how long, and with what success will she run after it? Also, who tied the knot? Note 1st. The cat was dark colored, and howled o' nights. Note 2d. The conditions of this problem are extremely vague. Note 3d.-In that celebrated Treatise "De Caudis in Nodos Complicatê Collectis," Monsieur Rattillon, of the French Academy, proposes the following "Caudonial Theorem" for the physical incapacitation of rats. It is at once ingenious and philosophical. Take ten, fifteen, or twenty rats, as the case may be, and tie their tails together in one secure, complex, and comprehensive knot. Thus conditioned, drop them on the middle of the cellar bottom. They will immediately conglomerate into a circle, of which the aforesaid knot is the centre, and, all pulling with equal force in different directions, the entire squad will, in accordance with established mechanical principles, remain stationary, and consequently harmless, "nisi forsitan, per desperationem, caudæ radicitus evellerentur." In thirty-eight experiments, however, performed with exceeding care by Rattillon himself, this unfortunate termination occurred but once. There is, therefore, no slight ground for believing that this ingenious application of mechanics will eventually supersede the use of cats. Indulging a faint hope that his own account of the accident may throw still further light upon the problem, we subjoin it; premising, by way of explanation, that sixteen enormous rats had been left in his cellar to starve on the above mechanical principle. Repente resonat vagitus terribilis. Ego terrore perculsus, meum caput transilio. Comæ stant. Albesco. Genua labant. Tum pariter igui, præceps in cellarium irrumpo. Dii deæque! Prodigium! Silentium regnat. Ratta non sunt. Cauda solum jacent sexdecim, tot rattarum curtarum reliquiæ. Nunc risu dilabor. Flaccidus labasco. Fio quasi linteolum." 20th. Required-The erratic course of a flea affected with strabismus. Note.-Vide " Ringelbergius de flitigaribus Insectarum;" etiam "Cyclops de Oculorum Distortione :" et " Scrutinurius de Muscularum Twistificationibus." 21st. A couple of fools both of them insulted each other. One pulled t'other's nose and t'other pulled his nose. The two both of 'em pulled each other's nose, and each other's nose was pulled by both the two. But the nose of the one was pulled by the other, and the other's nose was pulled by the one. Both noses were pulled by each other and each other pulled both noses; and when one was pulling, t'other was pulled. Nobody nose how bloody both noses were; but neither pulled the same nose, and of course neither pulled his own nose as everybody nose. Is there anybody nose how it was about the noses? Answer-Nose-sir. All these problems, except the first twenty, are solved by the same rule, and so of the others. Should any confusion arise in the statements, (and here is where all the difficulty lies,) reverse the natural order and adopt that which is easiest or most convenient. Then say, as clearness is to obscurity, so is endless reflection to the fourth PLAYFAIR. term. EDITORS' TABLE. HERE we are, dear Reader, proud to know how anxiously you have waited for us. We "shall always think the better of" ourself and you for this " during our life;" of ourself, for having had the honor to be waited for, and of you, for your complimentary impatience in waiting. We might apologize; but that would be to insult your politeness. Fancy us excusing ourself; us, the pink of modesty, all covered with blushes, trying to explain to you one of our fifty sufficient reasons for a little tardiness. You, standing there, with your two dollars ready to pay down on the receipt of this number, put on, at first, a frown most magisterial. But when, through excess of bashfulness, we begin to stammer, your sweet good humor suddenly bursts out into a most glorious, radiant smile all over your benevolent countenance, the kind tears come into your eyes, you thrust your money into our vest pocket, seize our hand, and almost shake it off. "Nonsense!" you shout, "nonsense! not another word. Glad to see you any time. No excuses. Sorry you didn't wait a month longer; (here you poke our ribs and wink.) College Literature, though often dull and tedious,' you know (another poke and another furious wink) is always acceptable whenever the Powers drop it down to us, and always punctually paid for; don't lose that bill; good morning,"-and away you go. So, dear Reader, our blessings on your noble heart; and as for apologies, why, since you won't hear them, what can we do? A thought strikes us. "Money"-(we soliloquize, Reader; you are not supposed to overhear us)" Money is the principal thing." And yet," who steals our purse steals trash." What a sublime conception! The idea that any man could think of coveting, much less of stealing, three cubic inches of empty air done up in brown paper to look like a bank note! What a figure of speech! Magnificent! To talk of painting a dying groan is nothing to it. We'll sell that thought to Dickens, and out of our vacuity coin funds. But while the wingéd winds waft o'er the wide and wildly waving waste of the Atlantic ocean, this heaven-born, golden thought-how shall we pay the printer? How shall we satisfy the "devil," whom, for dunning us yesterday, we incontinently kicked down stairs, and who still groans over the twinge of the bruised part. Aye, there's the rub." We must have our dear Reader's dollar. Without that to grease the machinery of existence, what, for us, were life! Like the thievish boy suspended by his trow from the pike of a garden fence, we should only present the splendid, but evanescent spectacle of a genius struggling against insurmountable difficulties. Yes, Reader, though we indulged our imagination a moment ago, so far as to dream that you had paid; that was, we confess, rather a bold flight. We are a little too brilliant sometimes. We own "the soft impeachment." But now, rubbing off the quicksilver from the magic mirror of Fancy, we look right through the glass and behold the world as it really is. In truth, you have not paid. Your time has come. Now is "the hour," and you are "the man." Do not affect surprise. Do not pun a bad pun upon Shakspeare, by inquiring "who is it from the press that calls on me?" You know who calls; and should you not answer the summons we shall venture to call upon you in propria persona, as soon as we find out your den. Meanwhile, read these extracts from our journal. 7 o'clock, January. For a few days after the appearance of the last number, the Literary market was dull. Not more than twenty-six pages of poetry, and fifty-three of prose, had accumulated within the space of forty-eight hours. Under these circumstances it was thought best to postpone the regular meeting one week beyond the usual time. An alarming increase in the flow of genius, however, becoming instantly visible, the order for postponement was forthwith countermanded. At seven o'clock, Bardolph, the Secretary, slowly entered the sanctum, followed by a porter bearing on his shoulders a large clothes-basket, like that from which the jolly old knight of yore was tumbled into the Thames. The said basket was overturned in the middle of the uncarpeted floor, and an indefinite quantity of closely written paper left there by the astounded porter, who instantly decamped. Presently the door opened, and Lean Jack stalked in. The Secretary, who had seated himself by the fire, turned in his chair, looked up, gazed significantly, first at the paper mountain, and then at Lean Jack, (who returned his glance with a most down-trodden expression of countenance,) and, sighing heavily, bent his eyes again upon the fire, leaned over and composed himself in apparent reverie, with his hands clasped between his knees. All was still. The flame flickered upon the hearth, and the Secretary was losing himself in gloomy anticipations. Directly he heard a slight movement, as if a chair had been carefully raised from the floor and as carefully set down again; and soon became aware of Lean Jack's proximity to him, by observing the dark outline of his (Jack's) nasal organ protruding itself between the retina of his (Bardolph's) right eye and a very bright coal which had been for some time winking sidewise into the right edge of said right retina. 66 A quick step-a push against the door and somebody was heard to burst into the room. "How are you, boys? How are you? Glad to-" roared Hotspur, and that was all he did roar. A "sucking dove" could not have murmured out, too bad! too bad!" more gently or more mournfully than did the fiery Hotspur, as he halted himself in mid career. Another seat was quietly taken, another nose obscured another coal, and once more silence reigned. During the next fifteen minutes the door was twice opened, two well known voices failed in attempting to articulate "good evening," checked in the effort apparently by sudden terror; the number of noses, not including that reserved by the Secretary for his own peculiar accommodation, was increased to four, and the Secretary was enabled, by furtive glances, to count ten boots around the edge of the hearth. Long-drawn sighs and the creaking of the chairs as their occupants gently swayed themselves to and fro, alone disturbed the solemn repose that brooded over the devoted FIVE. ****"The Secretary stood alone! Modern degeneracy had not reached him." He of them all had remained firm at his post. One by one the groans had ceased, and, startled at the sudden pause which had followed the last burst of anguish, the Secretary had sprung from his seat and found himself “solitary and alone."!! With an involuntary shudder, he gazed at the prostrate yet towering mass of genius on the floor; thence his eye wandered to the candle, which, like the illustrious body who had clubbed together to buy it, had dwindled away almost to utter dissolution; then its glance lit on a dark object near by, which the departed great had noiselessly drawn from its depository and placed in that conspicuous position, before taking their flight. It was the coffin. Bardolph, quick to comprehend the mysterious intimation, "took it for a sign." The occasion seemed to demand a funeral oration. Bardolph, being the only person in the room, thought himself specially pointed out by the Fates to officiate. Turning toward a fragment of looking-glass and bowing low, he opened his mouth and spoke, with a theatrical voice and manner, as follows: "Mr. -Speaker-It is with no ordinary emotions that I venture to address yon. I am no orator; (a long pause.) I repeat it, sir, I am no orator; (another portentous pause;) but, sir, my feelings being too big for utterance,' I cannot refrain from expressing them-(pause)-on the present occasion. (Pause.) And, sir, however difficult may be for me, in my present state of excitement, to surpass the great orators of antiquity in fluency and precision; I have no doubt, sir, that in comparing my humble efforts with theirs, you will make every allowance for my unfortunate condition, and at least award me a respectful attention, even though I should not succeed in my expectation of winning your applause. (Here the speaker stamped furiously upon the floor.) Encouraged, Mr. Speaker, by the slight token of approbation which you have just given me, I proceed at once to say-(long pause)-to say, sir, that, in my opinion, you, sir, have signalized yourself, sir, by your fortitude on the present occasion, sir. (Here the speaker stamped again for two or three minutes.) I am gratified, sir, to find that you are able to appreciate the compliment which the recent exhibition of your intrepid character has forced me to bestow upon you; and, sir, if you will pardon the digression, I would suggest the propriety of your lighting a cigar. (Tremendous applause, during which the speaker lights a cigar and kicks over the great chair.) “It is a painful thing, sir, to stand here as I do, a solitary mourner over the cold remains of those who-in their day and generation-have been called upon, sir, to-to-to give up the ghost, sir. (Cheers.) Sir, I feel awfully-(pause)—the responsibility of my situation. In the extremity of my grief I have been abandoned, cruelly abandoned, by those who were bound, by every tie that can hold man to man, to aid me in performing the last sad rites over my devoted friends; and, sir, if you will pardon another digression, permit me to suggest, that this is a capital cheroot. (Loud cheers.) But, Mr. Speaker, modesty alone prevents me from intimating that I am equal to the task. I repeat it, sir, I am equal to the task. When called upon to discharge the painful duties which I have been-(pause)—been called upon to discharge, I am ready to answer the-the-call upon me to discharge them. (Cheers.) I will do it, sir; yes, hard as the duty is, I will do it. Yonder expiring taper shall light the funeral pile, these hands shall gather up the ashes, and these hands shall deposit those ashes in that urn-figuratively so called; and, Mr. Speaker, if you will pardon still another digression, may I be hanged if these hands ever do such a thing again, without that assistance to which they are emphatically entitled. (Reiterated cheers.) Before I proceed with my purpose, permit me to indulge in a few reflections. "I would not compliment you, sir, on any account, if I did not feel it my duty so to do. I know your sensitive, shrinking disposition, and am perfectly certain that you seldom listen to your own praise. Nor do I wish to make any invidious comparisons between you and your companions in office. But when I think on your conduct, I cannot help comparing it with theirs. They have fled. Like thieves in the night they have suddenly cut off, and that without remedy.' Like the wild beasts of the forest, they go where they list, and I know not who shall gather them. They have deserted their posts, and posted off on the wings of or rather, I would say, in different directions. I pronounce them a set of dissipated characters. (Cheers.) By slipping down stairs in that cowardly way, they have lowered themselves in the eyes of-(pause)—of the individual here present. They should have remained here, sir, to chaunt an Ephraim over the unburied dead. Not an Ephraim, sir; I mean a requiem. Ephraim, Mr. Speaker, was, if I mistake not, a Midian, possibly an Israelite. If I am wrong, you will please correct me. I am open to conviction on this point. I scorn, sir, to make a mis-statement on any subject, and especially on-the present occasion. A requiem then, sir, over the dead; instead of which, like the dead themselves, 'they rest from their labors!' Where are they, sir? Echo answers, where? This room does not echo much, but that makes no difference. |