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But doom'd to endure,

What I mean for a cure,

Clar. How easy to direct the conduct of others, how hard to regulate our own! I can

Turns poison, and feeds the disease. [Exit. give my friend advice, while I am conscious

Enter DIANA.

Diana. My dear Clarissa-I'm glad I have found you alone.-For Heaven's sake, don't let any one break in upon us; and give me leave to sit down with you a little-I am in such a tremor, such a panic

Clar. Mercy on us, what has happened? Diana. You may remember I told you, that when I was last winter in London, I was followed by an odious fellow, one Harman; I can't say but the wretch pleased me, though he is but a younger brother, and not worth sixpence and-in short, when I was leaving town, I promised to correspond with him.

Clar. Do you think that was prudent?

Diana. Madness! But this is not the worst; for what do you think, the creature had the assurance to write to me about three weeks ago, desiring permission to come down and spend the summer at my father's.

Clar. At your father's!

Diana. Ay, who never saw him, knows nothing of him, and would as soon consent to my marrying a horse-jockey. He told me a long story of some tale he intended to invent to make my father receive him as an indifferent person; and some gentleman in London, he said, would procure him a letter that should give it a face; and he longed to see me so, he said, he could not live without it; and if he could be permitted but to spend a week with

me

Clar. Well, and what answer did you make? Diana. Oh! abused him, and refused to listen to any such thing-But-I vow I tremble while I tell it to you-just before we left our house, the impudent monster arrived there, attended by a couple of servants, and is now actually coming here with my father.

Clar. Upon my word this is a dreadful thing.

Diana. Dreadful, my dear!-I happened to be at the window as he came into the court, and I declare I had like to have fainted away. Clar. Well, Diana, with regard to your affair-I think you must find some method of immediately informing this gentleman that you consider the outrage he has committed against you in the most heinous light, and insist upon his going away directly.

Diana. Why, I believe that will be the best way-but then he'll be begging my pardon and asking to stay.

Clar. Why then you must tell him positively you wont consent to it; and if he persist in so extravagant a design, tell him you'll never see him again as long as you live.

Diana. Must I tell him so?

Ah! pr'ythee spare me dearest creature!
How can you prompt me to so much ill nature?
Kneeling before me,

Should I hear him implore me;
Could I accuse him,

Could I refuse him

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of the same indiscretions in myself. Yet is it criminal to know the most worthy, most ami able man in the world, and not to be insensible to his merit? But my father, the kindest, best of fathers, will he approve the choice Í have made? Nay, has he not made another choice for me? And, after all, how can I be sure that the man I love, loves me again? He never told me so; but his looks, his actions, his present anxiety, sufficiently declare what his delicacy, his generosity, will not suffer him to

utter.

Ye gloomy thoughts, ye fears perverse,
Like sullen vapours all disperse.
And scatter in the wind;
Delusive phantoms, brood of night,
No more my sickly fancy fright,
No more my reason blind;

[Exit.

"Tis done; I feel my soul releas'd;
The visions fly, the mists are chas'd,
Nor leave a cloud behind.
SCENE III-A side view of SIR JOHN
FLOWERDALE's House.

Enter HARMAN with COLONEL OLDBOY.

Col. O. Well, and how does my old friend Dick Rantum do? I have not seen him these twelve years he was an honest worthy fellow as ever breathed; I remember he kept a girl in London, and was cursedly plagued by his wife's relations.

Har. Sir Richard was always a man of spirit, colonel.

Col. O. But as to this business of yours, which he tells me of in his letter-I don't see much in it-An affair with a citizen's daughter-pinked her brother in a duel-Is the fellow likely to die?

Har. Why, Sir, we hope not; but as the matter is dubious, and will probably make some noise, I thought it was better to be for a little time out of the way; when hearing my case, Sir Richard Rantum mentioned you; he said he was sure you would permit me to remain at your house for a few days, and offered me a recommendation.

the case-And the girl's friends are in busiCol. O. And there's likely to be a brat in ness-I'll tell you what will be the consequence then-They will be for going to law with you for a maintenance-but no matter, I'll take the affair in hand for you-make me your solicitor; and, if you are obliged to pay for a single spoonful of pap, I'll be content to father all the children in the Foundling-hospital.

Har. You are very kind, Sir.

Col. O. But hold-hark you-you say there's money to be had-suppose you were to marry the wench?

Har. Do you think, Sir, that would be so right after what has happened? Besides, there's a strong objection-To tell you the truth, I am honourably in love in another place.

Col. O. Oh! you are.

Har. Yes, Sir, but there are obstacles-A father-In short, Sir, the mistress of my heart lives in this very county, which makes even my present situation a little irksome.

Col. O. In this county! Zounds! then I am

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to Jerusalem.

Mr. J. Colonel, you have used me extremely ill, to drag me through the dirty roads in this manner; you told me the way was all over a bowling-green; only see what a condition I am in!

Col. O. Why, how did I know the roads were dirty? is that my fault? Besides, we mistook the way. Zounds, man, your legs will be never the worse when they are brushed a little.

Mr. J. Antoine! have you sent La Roque for the shoes and stockings? Give me the glass out of your pocket-not a dust of powder left in my hair, and the frissure as flat as the foretop of an attorney's clerk-get your comb and pomatum; you must borrow some powder: I suppose there is such a thing as a dressing-room

in the house.

Col. O. Ay, and a cellar too, I hope, for I want a glass of wine cursedly-but hold, hold, Frank, where are you going? Stay, and pay your devoirs here, if you please; I see there's somebody coming to welcome us.

Enter LIONEL, DIANA, and CLARISSA. Lion. Colonel, your most obedient; Sir John is walking with my lady in the garden, and has commissioned me to receive you.

Col. O. Mr. Lionel, I am heartily glad to see you come here, Frank-this is my son, Sir. Lion. Sir, I am exceeding proud toMr. J. Can't you get the powder then? Col. O. Miss Clary, my little Miss Clarygive me a kiss, my dear-as handsome as an angel, by Heavens-Frank, why don't you come here? this is Miss Flowerdale.

Diana. O Heavens, Clarissa! Just as I said, that impudent devil is come here with my

father.

Mr. J. Hadn't we better go into the house?
FINALE.

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SCENE 1.-A Hall at SIR JOHN FLOWERDALE'S
Grand staircase; two doors, from different
Apartments.

Enter LIONEL, followed by JENNY.

consider now; how can you be so prodigious Jenny. Well but, Mr Lionel, consider, pray undiscreet as you are, walking about the hall nere, while the gentle folks are within in the parlour? Don't you think they'll wonder at your getting up so soon after dinner, and before any of the rest of the company?

Lion. For Heaven's sake, Jenny, don't speak to me: I neither know where I am, nor what I am doing; I am the most wretched and miserable of mankind.

Jenny. Poor, dear soul, I pity you. Yes, yes, I believe you are miserable enough indeed; while, and spoke many a word in your favour, and I assure you I have pitied you a great when you little thought you had such a friend

in a corner.

Lion. But, good Jenny, since, by some accident or other, you have been able to discover I conjure you, as you regard my interest, as what I would willingly hide from all the world; let the most distant hint of it escape you; for it you value your lady's peace and honour, never is a secret of that importance

Jenny. And perhaps you think I can't keep a secret; Ah! Mr Lionel, it must be hear, see, and say nothing in this world, or one has no business to live in it; besides who would not be in love with my lady? There's never a man this day alive but might be proud of it; for she is the handsomest, sweetest temper'dest, and I am sure one of the best mistresses ever poor girl had.

Lion. Oh, Jenny! she's an angel.

Jenny. And so she is indeed. Do you know that she gave me her blue silk gown to-day, and it is every crum as good as new; and, go things as they will, don't you be fretting and vexing yourself, for I am mortally sartain she would liverer see a toad than this Jessamy. likely man; and a nner pair of eyebrows and a Though I must say, to my thinking, he's a very more delicate nose, I never saw on a face.

Lion. By Heavens, I shall run mad.
Jenny. And why so? It is not beauty that
always takes the fancy: moreover, to let you
Will you please to lead the way, Sir? know, if it was, I don't think him any more to

Mr. J. To be made in such a pickle!

compare to you, than a thistle is to a carnation: and so's a sign; for, mark my words, my lady loves you as much as she hates him.

wouldn't prefer a rascal to a gentleman-Come here, you slut, put your hands about my neck, and kiss me.

Jenny. Who, I, Sir?

Lion. What you tell me, Jenny, is a thing I neither merit nor expect: no, I am unhappy, Col. O. Ay, here's money for you; what the and let me continue so; my most presumptu- devil are you afraid of? I'll take you into keepous thoughts shall never carry me to a wishing; you shall go and live at one of my tenthat may affect her quiet, or give her cause to ant's houses. repent.

Jenny. That's very honourable of you, I must need's say! but for all that, liking's liking, and one can't help it; and if it should be my lady's case it is no fault of yours. I am sure, when she called me into her dressingroom, before she went down to dinner, there she stood with her eyes brim full of tears, and so I fell a crying for company-and then she said she could not abide the chap in the parlour; and at the same time she bid me take an opportunity to speak to you, and desire you to meet her in the garden this evening after tea; for she has something to say to you.

Lion. Jenny, I see you are my friend; for which I thank you, though I know it is impossible to do me any service; take this ring, and wear it for my sake.

Jenny. I am very much obliged to your honour; I am your friend indeed-but, I say, you wont forget to be in the garden now; and in the mean time keep as little in the house as you can, for walls have eyes and ears; and I can tell you the servants take notice of your uneasiness, though I'm always desiring them to mind their own business.

Lion. Pray have a care, Jenny, have a care, my dear girl; a word may breed suspicion. Jenny. Pshaw! have a care yourself; it is you that breeds suspicion, sighing and pining about; you look for all the world like a ghost; and if you don't pluck up your spirits, you will be a ghost soon; letting things get the better of you. Though to be sure when I thinks with myself, being crossed in love is a terrible thing -There was a young man in the town where Ï was born made away with himself upon the account of it.

Lion. Things sha'n't get the better of me, Jenny.

Jenny. No more they don't ought. And once again, I say, fortune is thrown in your dish, and you are not to fling it out; my lady's estate will be better than three livings, if Sir John could give them to you. Think of that, Mr. Lionel, think of that.

Lion. Think of what?

Oh talk not to me of the wealth she possesses,
My hopes and my views to herself I confine;
The splendor of riches but slightly impresses
A heart that is fraught with a passion like mine.
By love, only love, should our souls be ce-
mented;

No int'rest, no motive, but that would I own;
With her in a cottage be bless'd and contented,
And wretched without her, though plac'd on a
throne.
[Exit.

Enter COLONEL OLDBOY. Col. O. Very well, my lady, I'll come again to you presently, I am only going into the garden for a mouthful of air. Aha! my little Abigail! Here, Molly, Jenny, Betty! What's your name? Why don't you answer me, hussy, when I call you.

Jenny. If you want any thing, Sir, I'll call one of the footmen.

Col. O. The footmen! the footmen! Damn me, I never knew one of them, in my life, that

Jenny. I wonder you aren't ashamed, Sir, to make an honest girl any such proposal; you that have a worthy gentlewoman, nay, a lady of your own-To be sure she's a little stricken in years; but why shouldn't she grow elderly as well as yourself?

Col. O. Burn a lady, I love a pretty girlJenny. Well, then, you may go look for one, Sir; I have no pretensions to the title. Col. O. Why, you pert baggage, you don't know me.

Jenny. What do you pinch my fingers for? Yes, yes, I know you well enough, and your charekter's well known all over the country, running after poor young creatures as you do, to ruinate them.

Col. O. What, then, people say

Jenny. Indeed they talk very bad of you; and whatever you may think, Sir, though I'm in a menial station, I'm come of people that wouldn't see me put upon; there are those that would take my part against the proudest he in the land, that should offer any thing uncivil.

Col. O. Well, come, let me know now, how does your young lady like my son?

Jenny. You want to pump me, do you? I suppose you would know whether I can keep my tongue within my teeth.

Col. O. She doesn't like him then?

Jenny. I don't say so, Sir-Isn't this a shame now-I suppose to-morrow or next day it will be reported that Jenny has been talking; Jenny said this, and Jenny said that, and Jenny said t'other-But here, Sir, I ax you, did I tell you any such thing?

Col. O. Why, yes, you did.

Jenny. I!-Lord bless me, how can you-
Col. O. Ad, I'll mouzle you.
Jenny. Ah, ah!

Col. O. What do you bawl for?
Jenny. Ah, ah, ah!

Indeed, forsooth, a pretty youth,
To play the am'rous fool;

At such an age, methinks your rage
Might be a little cool.

Fy, let me go, Sir,
Kiss me !-No, no, Sir.

You pull me and shake me,
For what do you take me,
This figure to make me?

I'd have you to know
I'm not for your game, Sir;
Nor will I be tame, Sir.
Lord, have you no shame, Sir,
To tumble one so?

[Exit.

Enter LADY MARY OLDBOY, DIANA, and HARMAN.

Lady M. Mr. Oldboy, wont you give me your hand to lead me up stairs, my dear?-Sir, I am prodigiously obliged to you; I protest 1 have not been so well, I don't know when: 1 have had no return of my bilious complaint after dinner to-day; and eat so voraciously! Did you observe, Miss? Doctor Arsenic will be quite astonished when he hears it; surely

his new-invented medicine has done me a prodigious deal of service.

Col. O. Ah! you'll always be taking one slop or other till you poison yourself. Give me a pinch of your ladyship's snuff.

Lady M. This is a mighty pretty sort of man, Colonel, who is he?

Col. O. A young fellow, my lady, recommended to me.

Lady M. I protest he has the sweetest taste for poetry!—He has repeated to me two or three of his own things, and I have been telling him of the poem my late brother, Lord Jessamy, made on the mouse that was drowned. Col. O. Ay, a fine subject for a poem; a mouse that was drowned in a

Lady M. Hush, my dear colonel, don't mention it; to be sure the circumstance was vastly indelicate; but for the number of lines, the poem was as charming a morsel-Pray, Sir, was there any news when you left London ? any thing about the East Indies, the ministry, or politics of any kind? I am strangely fond of politics, but I hear nothing since my Lord Jessamy's death; he used to write to me all the affairs of the nation, for he was a very great politician himself. I have a manuscript speech of his in my cabinet-He never spoke it, but it is as fine a thing as ever came from man! Col. O. What is that crawling upon your ladyship's petticoat?

Lady M. Where! where !

Col. O. Zounds! a spider with legs as long as my arm.

Lady M. Oh, Heavens! Ah don't let me look at it! I shall faint, I shall faint! A spider! a spider! a spider! [Runs off. Col. O. Hold; zounds, let her go; I knew the spider would set her galloping, with her damned fuss about her brother, my Lord Jessamy. - Harman, come here.-How do you like my daughter? Is the girl you are in love with as handsome as this?

Hur. In my opinion, Sir.

Col. O. What, as handsome as Dy!-I'll lay you twenty pounds she has not such a pair of eyes. He tells me he's in love, Dy; raging mad for love, and, by his talk, I begin to believe him.

Diana. Now, for my part, papa, I doubt it very much! though, by what I heard the gentleman say just now within, I find he imagines the lady has a violent partiality for him; and yet he may be mistaken there too.

Col. O. For shame, Dy, what mischief do you mean? How can you talk so tartly to a poor young fellow under misfortunes? Give

your hand, and ask his pardon.-Don't mind her, Harman.-For all this, she is as good-natured a little devil as ever was born. Har. You may remember, Sir, I told you before dinner, that I had for some time carried on a private correspondence with my lovely girl; and that her father, whose consent we despair of obtaining, is the great obstacle to our happiness.

Col. O. Why don't you carry her off in spite of him then?--I ran away with my wife-ask my lady Mary, she'll tell you the thing herself. -Her old conceited lord of a father thought I was not good enough; but I mounted a gardenwall, notwithstanding their chevaux-de-frize of broken glass bottles, took her out of a three pair of stairs window, and brought her down a ladder in my arms. By the way, she would have squeezed through a cat-hole to get at me.

And I would have taken her out of the tower of London, damme, if it had been surrounded with the three regiments of guards.

Diana. But surely, papa, you would not persuade the gentleman to such a proceeding as this is; consider the noise it will make in the country; and if you are known to be the adviser and abettor

Col. O. Why, what do I care? I say, if he takes my advice he'll run away with her, and I'll give him all the assistance I can.

Har. I am sure, Sir, you are very kind: and, to tell you the truth, I have more than once had the very scheme in my head, if I thought it was feasible, and knew how to go about it.

Col. O. Feasible, and knew how to go about it! The thing's feasible enough, if the girl's willing to go off with you, and you have spirit sufficient to undertake it.

Har. O, as for that, Sir, I can answer. Diana. What, Sir, that the lady will be willing to go off with you?

Har. No, Ma'am, that I have spirit enough to take her, if she is willing to go; and thus far I dare venture to promise, that between this and to-morrow morning I will find out whether she is or not.

Col. O. So he may; she lives but in this county; and tell her, Harman, you have met with a friend who is inclined to serve you. You shall have my post-chaise at a minute's warning; and if a hundred pieces will be of any use to you, you may command 'em.

Har. And are you really serious, Sir? Col. O. Serious; damme, if I an't. I have put twenty young fellows in the way of getting girls that they never would have thought of:and bring her to my house; whenever you come you shall have a supper and a bed; but you must marry her first, because my lady will be squeamish.

Diana. Well but, my dear papa, upon my word you have a great deal to answer for: suppose it was your own case to have a daughter in such circumstances, would you be obliged to any one

Col. O. Hold your tongue, hussy, who bid you put in your oar? However, Harman, I don't want to set you upon any thing; 'tis no affair of mine to be sure; I only give you advice, and tell you how I would act if I was in your place.

Hur. I assure you, Sir, I am quite charmed with the advice; and since you are ready to stand my friend, I am determined to follow it. Col. O. You areHar. Positively

here's my hand. occasion to talk

Col. O. Say no more then -You understand me-No any further of it at present. Diana. You had better not give this advice, papa.

Col. O. Hold your tongue, hussy-Harman, if you don't carry her off, you dog, I'll never forgive you.

[Exeunt COLONEL OLDBOY and DIANA. Har. Say'st thou so! then love renounce me, if I drive not old Truepenny's humour to the uttermost-Let me consider; what ill consequence can possibly attend it? The design is his own, as in part will be the execution.— He may perhaps be angry when he finds out the deceit.-Well, he deceives himself; and faults we commit ourselves we seldom find much difficulty in pardoning.

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no matter

Mr. J. Upon my word, a pretty elegant dressing-room this; but confound our builders, or architects, as they call themselves, they are all errant stone-masons; not one of them knows the situation of doors, windows, or chimneys; which are as essential to a room, as eyes, nose, and mouth to a countenance, Now if the eyes are where the mouth should be, and the nose out of proportion and its place, quelle horrible physiognomie!

Diana. My dear brother, you are not come here as a virtuoso to admire the temple; but as a votary to address the deity to whom it belongs. Show, I beseech you, a little more devotion, and tell me how you like Miss Flowerdale? don't you think her very hand

some?

Mr. J. Pale; but that I am determined she shall remedy; for, as soon as we are married, I will make her put on rouge.-Let me see; has she got any in her boxes here? veritable toilet à l'Angloise. Nothing but a bottle of Hungary-water, two or three rows of pins, a paper of patches, and a little bole-armoniacˇby way of tooth-powder.

Diana. Brother, I would fain give you some advice upon this occasion, which may be of service to you. You are now going to entertain a young lady-Let me prevail upon you to lay aside those airs, on account of which some people are impertinent enough to call you a coxcomb; for I am afraid she may be apt to think you a coxcomb too, as I assure you she is very capable of distinguishing.

me.

Mr. J. So much the worse for me.-If she is capable of distinguishing, I shall meet with a terrible repulse. I don't believe she'll have [Ironically. Diana. I don't believe she will, indeed. Mr. J. Go on, sister,-ha, ha, ha! Diana. I protest I am serious-Though I perceive you have more faith in the counsellor before you there, the looking-glass. But give me leave to tell you it is not a powdered head, a laced coat, a grimace, a shrug, a bow, or a few pert phrases, learned by rote, that constitute the power of pleasing all women.

Mr. J. You had better return to the gentleman and give him his tea, my dear.

Diana. These qualifications we find in our parrots and monkeys. I would undertake to teach Poll, in three weeks, the fashionable jargon of half the fine men about town; and I am sure it must be allowed, that pug, in a carlet coat, is a gentleman as degage and alluring as most of them.

Ladies, pray admire a figure,
Fait selon le dernier gout.

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Clar. Sir, I took the liberty to desire a few moments' private conversation with you-I hope you will excuse it-I am really greatly embarrassed. But in an affair of such immediate consequence to us both

[MR. JESSAMY places chairs, and seats himself. Mr. J. My dear creature, don't be embarrassed before me; I should be extremely sorry to strike you with any awe; but this is a species of mauvaise honte, which the company I shall introduce you to, will soon cure you of. Clar. Upon my word, Sir, I don't understand you.

Mr. J. Perhaps you may be under some uneasiness lest 1 should not be quite so warm in the prosecution of this affair as you could wish it is true, with regard to quality, I might do better; and, with regard to fortune, full as well-But you please me-Upon my soul, I have not met with any thing more agreeable to me a great while.

Clar. Pray, Sir, keep your seat.

Mr. J. Mauvaise honte, again. My dear, there is nothing in these little familiarities between you and me-When we are married, I shall do every thing to render your life happy.

Clar. Ah! Sir, pardon me. The happiness of my life depends upon a circumstanceMr. J. Oh! I understand you-You have been told I suppose of the Italian opera girlrat people's tongues-However, 'tis true, I had an affair with her at Naples, and she is now here. But, be satisfied: I'll give her a thousand pounds, and send her about her

business.

Clar. Me, Sir! I protest nobody told meLord! I never heard any such thing, or inquired about it.

Mr. J. Nor have they not been chattering to you of my affair at Pisa, with the Principessa del

Clur. No, indeed, Sir.

Mr. J. Well, I was afraid they might, because in this rude country-But, why silent on a sudden?don't be afraid to speak.

Clar. No, Sir, I will come to the subject on which I took the liberty to trouble you.-Indeed, I have great reliance on your generosity. Mr. J. You'll find me generous as a prince, depend on't.

Clar. I am blessed, Sir, with one of the best of fathers: I never yet disobeyed him; in which I have had little merit; for his commands hitherto have only been to secure my

own felicity.

Mr. J. Après, ma chère.

ing necessity of disobeying him, or being Clar. But now, Sir, I am under the shockwretched for ever.

Mr. J. Hem!

Clar. Our union is impossible- therefore,

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