[Aside Abs. Oh, confound her vigilance! Mrs. Mal. Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness. Abs. [Aside.] So all's safe, I find.-[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady— Mrs. Mal. Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her 1 she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile. Lyd. Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now? Mrs. Mal. Why, thou unblushing rebel-didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that you loved another better?-didn't you say you never would be his? Lyd. No, madam-I did not. Mrs. Mal. Good heavens! what assurance!-Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying don't become a young woman!Didn't you boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?—Tell me that, I say. Lyd. 'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley Mrs. Mal. Hold !—hold, Assurance !—you shall not be so rude. Abs. Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's very welcome to talk thus-it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you. Mrs. Mal. You are too good, captain-too amiably patient --but come with me, miss.-Let us see you again soon, captain-remember what we have fixed. Abs. I shall, ma'am. Mrs. Mal. Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman. Lyd. May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev Mrs. Mal. Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!come along-come along. [Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA-MRS. MALAPROP stopping her from speaking. SCENE IV.-ACRES' Lodgings. ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID. Acres. Indeed, David-do you think I become it so ? Dav. You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an' we've any luck we shall see the Devon monkerony in all the print-shops in Bath! Acres. Dress does make a difference, David. Dav. 'Tis all in all, I think.-Difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler wouldn't believe his own eyes, and eyes, Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat.-Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there an't a dog in the house but would bark, and I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail! Acres. Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing. Dav. So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me! Acres. But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring. Dav. I'll call again, sir. Acres. Do-and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office. Dav. I will.-By the mass, I can't help looking at your head-if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself. [Exit. Acres. [Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide-coupee.Confound the first inventors of cotillons! say I-they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen-I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced!and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.-Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple-figure in-right and left→→→ and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the county!--but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillons are quite beyond me!-I shall never prosper at 'em, that's sure-mine are true born English legs-they don't understand their curst French lingo -their pas this, and pas that, and pas t'other!-damn me! my feet don't like to be called paws! no, 'tis certain I have most Antigallican toes! Enter SERVANT. Serv. Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. [Exit SERVANT. Sir Luc. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you. Sir Luc. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath? Acres. Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last.--In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.-I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman. Sir Luc. Pray what is the case ?—I ask no names. Acres. Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady-her friends take my part-I follow her to Bath-send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used. Sir Luc. Very ill, upon my conscience. Pray, can you divine the cause of it? Acres. Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.-Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it. Sir Luc. A rival in the case, is there ?—and you think he has supplanted you unfairly? Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly. Sir Luc. Then sure you know what is to be done! Acres. Not I, upon my soul! Sir Luc. We wear no swords here, but you understand me: Acres. What! fight him Sir Luc. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? Acres. But he has given me no provocation. Sir Luc. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship. Acres. Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life. Sir Lue. That's no argument at all-he has the less right then to take such a liberty. Acres. Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius !— fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side? Sir Luc. What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it. Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were a kind of courage, as I may say.— Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly. Sir Luc. Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!-For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever. Acres. O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!-every man of 'em colonel or captain in the militia!-Odds balls and barrels say no more-I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast:-Zounds! as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds Sir Luc. Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case these things should always be done civilly. Acres. I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius-I must be in a rage. Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper.-[Sits down to write.] I would the ink were red!-Indite, I say indite !-How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however. Sir Luc. Pray compose yourself. Acres. Come-now, shall I begin with an oath? Lucius, let me begin with a damme. Do, Sir Sir Luc. Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now-Sir Acres. That's too civil by half. Sir Luc. To prevent the confusion that might arise- Sir Luc. From our both addressing the same lady- Acres. Well then, honour of your company—— Sir Luc. To settle our pretensions Acres. Well. Sir Luc. Let me see, ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do-in King's-Mead-Fields. Acres. So, that's done-Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest—a hand and dagger shall be the seal. Sir Luc. You see now this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you. Acres. Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding. Sir Luc. Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.-Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. Acres. Very true. Sir Luc. So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.-I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out. Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson. Sir Luc. I shall be very proud of instructing you.-Well for the present-but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do everything in a mild and agreeable manner.-Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword. [Exeunt severally. ACT IV. SCENE I.-ACRES' Lodgings. ACRES and David. Dav. Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thingne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't? Acres. Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius !-Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour. Dav. Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you'd wanted a bout at boxing, quarterstaff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em. Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. Dav. Ay, by the mass ! and I would be very careful of it; and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me. Acres. Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour ! Dav. I say then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.-Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend: ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.--Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me ;) well-my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.-So |