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Love. He, who has dared to attempt the honour of my wife!
Ber. You, who have dared to attempt the honour of his mistress! Come, come, be ruled by me, who affect more levity than I have, and don't think of anger in this cause. A readi ness to resent injuries is a virtue only in those who are slow to injure.
Love. Then I will be ruled by you; and when you think proper to undeceive Townly, may your good qualities make as sincere a convert of him as Amanda's have of me.- - When truth's extorted from us, then we own the robe of virtue is a sacred habit.
Could women but our secret counsel scan-
[Exeunt. SCENE II.-A Room in SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY's House.
Enter Miss HOYDEN, NURSE, and Tom FASHION, Fash. This quick despatch of the chaplain's I take so kindly, it shall give him claim to my favour as long as I live, I assure you.
Miss Hoyd. And to mine too, I promise you.
Nurse. I most humbly thank your honours; and may your children swarm about you like bees about a honeycomb !
Miss Hoyd. Ecod, with all my heart—the more the merrier, I say–ha, nurse ?
[Taking Tom FASHION hastily aside. Fash. What the devil's the matter?
Lory. Sir, your fortune's ruined if you are not married. Yonder's your brother arrived, with two coaches and six horses, twenty footmen, and a coat worth fourscore pounds—so judge what will become of your lady's heart.
Fash. Is he in the house yet?
Lory. No, they are capitulating with him at the gate. Sir Tunbelly luckily takes him for an impostor ; and I have toid him that we have heard of this plot before.
Fash. That's right.-[Turning to Miss HOYDEN.] My dear, here's a troublesome business my man tells me of, but don't be frightened; we shall be too hard for the rogue. Here's an impudent fellow at the gate (not knowing I was come hither incognito) has taken my name upon him, in hopes to run away
Miss Hoyd. Oh, the brazen-faced varlet! it's well we are married, or maybe we might never have been so.
Fash. Aside.] Egad, like enough.-[Aloud.] Pr'ythee, nurse, run to Sir Tunbelly, and stop him from going to the gate before I speak with him.
Nurse. An't please your honour, my lady and I had best lock ourselves up till the danger be over.
Fash. Do so, if you please.
Miss Hoyd. Not so fast; I won't be locked up any more, pow I'm married.
Fash. Yes, pray, my dear, do, till we have seized this rascal. Miss Hoyd. Nay, if you'll pray me, I'll do anything.
[Exit with NURSE. Fash. Hark you, sirrah, things are better than you imagine. The wedding's over. Lory. The devil it is, sir !
[Capers about. Fash. Not a word—all's safe—but Sir Tunbelly don't know it, nor must not yet. So I am resolved to brazen the brunt of the business out, and have the pleasure of turning the impostor upon his lordship, which I believe may easily be done.
Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY.
Sir Tun. Never, by the mass; but we'll tickle him, I'll warrant you.
Fash. They tell me, sir, he has a great many people with him, disguised like servants.
Sir Tun. Ay, ay, rogues enow, but we have mastered them. We only fired a few shot over their heads, and the regiment scoured in an instant.--Here, Tummas, bring in your prisoner.
Fash. If you please, Sir Tunbelly, it will be best for me not to confront the fellow yet, till you have heard how far his impudence will carry him.
Sir Tun. Egad, your lordship is an ingenious person. Your lordship then will please to step aside. Lory. [Aside.] 'Fore heaven, I applaud my master's modesty!
[Exit with Tom FASHION. Enter SERVANTS, with LORD FOPPINGTON disarmed. Sir Tun. Come, bring him along, bring him along. Lord Fop. What the plague do you mean, gentlemen ? is it fair time, that you are all drunk before supper? Sir Tun. Drunk, sirrah! here's an impudent rogue for you
Drunk or sober, bully, I'm a justice o' the peace, and know how to deal with strollers.
Lord Fop. Strollers !
Sir Tun. Ay, strollers. Come, give an account of yourself. What's your name? where do you live? do you pay scot and lot ? Come, are you a freeholder or a copyholder?
Lord Fop. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent questions ?
Sir Tun. Because I'll make you answer 'em, before I have done with you, you rascal you !
Lord Fop. Before Gad, all the answers I can make to them is, that you are a very extraordinary old fellow, stap my vitals !
Sir Tun. Nay, if thou art joking deputy lieutenants, we know how to deal with you.—Here, draw a warrant for him immediately.
Lord Fop. A warrant! What the devil is't thou wouldst be ît, old gentleman ?
Sir Tun. I would be at you, sirrah, (if my hands were not tied as a magistrate and with these two double fists beat your teeth down your throat, you dog you !
[Driving him. Lord Fop. And why wouldst thou spoil my face at that rate? Sir Tun. For your design to rob me of my daughter, villain.
Lord Fop. Rob thee of thy daughter! Now do I begin to believe I am in bed and asleep, and that all this is but a dream. Pr’ythee, old father, wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one question ?
Sir Tun. I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know what it is.
Lord Fop. Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write to my Lord Foppington, to come down and marry thy daughter?
Sir Tun. Yes, marry, did I, and my Lord Foppington is come down, and shall marry my daughter before she's a day older. Lord Fop. Now give me thy hand, old dad; I thought we
l; should understand one another at last. Șir Tun. The fellow's mad !-Here, bind him hand and foot.
[They bind him. Lord Fop. Nay, pr’ythee, knight, leave fooling; thy jest begins to grow dull.
Sir Tun. Bind him, I say--he's mad: bread and water, a dark room, and a whip, may bring him to his senses again.
Lord Fop. Pr’ythee, Sir Tunbelly, why should you take such an aversion to the freedom of my address as to suffer the rascals thus to skewer down my arms like a rabbit !--[Aside.]. Egad, if I don't awake, by all that I can see, this is like to prove one of the most impertinent dreams that ever I dreamt in my life.
Re-enter Miss HOYDEN and NURSE. Miss Hoyd. [Going up to LORD FOPPINGTON.) Is this he that would have run-Fough, how he stinks of sweets !- Pray, father, let him be dragged through the horse-pond.
Lord Fop. This must be my wife, by her natural inclination to her husband.
[Aside. Miss Hoyd. Pray, father, what do you intend to do with him -hang him?
Sir Tun. That, at least, child.
Lord Fop. Madame la gouvernante, I presume : hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary families that ever man of quality matched into.
[Aside. Sir Tun. What's become of my lord, daughter ? Miss Hoyd. He's just coming, sir. Lord Fop. My lord, what does he mean by that, now !
[Aside. Re-enter Tom FASHION and LORY. Stap my vitals, Tam, now the dream's out!
[Runs. Fash. Is this the fellow, sir, that designed to trick me of your daughter?
Sir Tun. This he, my lord. How do you like him ? is not he a pretty fellow to get a fortune ?
Fash. I find by his dress he thought your daughter might be taken with a beau.
Miss Hoyd. Oh, gemini ! is this a beau ? let me see him again. [Surveys him.] Ha! I find a beau is no such ugly thing, neither.
Fash. (Aside.] Egad, she'll be in love with him presentlyI'll e'en have him sent away to jail.—[TO LORD FOPPINGTON.] Sir, though your undertaking shows you a person of no extraordinary modesty, I suppose you han't confidence enough to ex
I pect much favour from me ?
Lord Fop. Strike me dumb, Tam, thou art a very impudent fellow.
Nurse. Look, if the varlet has not the effrontery to call his lordship plain Thomas !
Lord Fop. My Lord Foppington, shall I beg one word with your lordship?
Nurse. Ho, ho ! it's my lord with him now! See how afflic. tions will humble folks..
Miss Hoyd. Pray, my lord-[TO FASHION - don't let him whisper too close, lest he bite your ear off.
Lord Fop. I am not altogether so hungry as your ladyship is pleased to imagine.-[Aside to Tom FASHION.] Look you, Tam, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought, but I hope you'll forgive what's past, and accept of the five thousand pounds I offer thou mayst live in extreme splendour with it, stap my vitals !
Fash. It's a much easier matter to prevent a disease than to cure it. A quarter of that sum would have secured your mistress, twice as much cannot redeem her.
[Aside to LORD FOPPINGTON. Sir Tun. Well, what says he ? Fash. Only the rascal offered me a bribe to let him go.
Sir Tun. Ay, he shall go, with a plague to him !-lead on, constable.
Enter SERVANT. Ser. Sir, here is Muster Loveless, and Muster Colonel Townly, and some ladies to wait on you. [To Tom FASHION.
Lory. [Aside to Tom FASHION.] So, sir, what will you do now?
Fash. TAside to Lory.] Be quiet; they are in the plot. (Aloud.] Only a few friends, Sir Tunbelly, whom I wish to introduce to you.
Lord Fop. Thou art the most impudent fellow, Tam, that ever nature yet brought into the world.—Sir Tunbelly, strike me speechless, but these are my friends and acquaintance, and my guests, and they will soon inform thee whether I am the true Lord Foppington or not. Enter LOVELESS, COLONEL TOWNLY, AMANDA, and BERINTHIA.
-LORD FOPPINGTON accosts them as they pass, but none answer him. Fash. So, gentlemen, this is friendly; I rejoice to see you.
Col. Town. My lord, we are fortunate to be the witnesses of your lordship’s happiness.
Love. But your lordship will do us the honour to introduce us to Sir Tunbelly Clumsy ?
Aman. And us to your lady.
[Aside. Sir Tun. Gentlemen, you do me much honour; my Lord Foppington's friends will ever be welcome to me and mine.
Fash. My love, let me introduce you to these ladies.
Miss Hoyd. By goles, they look so fine and so stiff, I am almost ashamed to come nigh 'em.
Aman. A most engaging lady indeed!