the wheel, and go forward till you come to Farmer Murrain's barn. Coming to the farmer's barn, you are to turn to the right, and then to the left, and then to the right about again, till you find out the old mill. Marlow. Zounds, man! we could as soon find out the longitude! ACT II. SCENE-AN OLD-FASHIONED HOUSE. Enter HARDCASTLE, followed by three or four awkward servants. Hastings. What's to be done, Marlow? Hardcastle. Well, I hope you are perfect in the Marlow. This house promises but a poor re-table exercise I have been teaching you these three ception; though perhaps the landlord can accom- days. You all know your posts and your places, modate us. and can show that you have been used to good Landlord. Alack, master, we have but one company, without ever stirring from home. Omnes. Ay, ay. spare bed in the whole house. Hardcastle. When company comes, you are not Tony. And to my knowledge, that's taken up by three lodgers already. [After a pause, in to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like which the rest seem disconcerted.] I have hit it. frighted rabbits in a warren. Don't you think, Stingo, our landlady could acOmncs. No, no. commodate the gentlemen by the fire-side, withthree chairs and a bolster? Tony. You do, do you?-then, let me see what if you go on a mile farther, to the Buck's Head; the old Buck's head on the hill, one of the best inns in the whole county? Hastings. O ho! so we have escaped an adventure for this night, however. Landlord [upart to Tony.] Sure, you ben't sending them to your father's as an inn, be you? Tony. Mum, you fool you. Let them find that out. [To them.] You have only to keep on straight forward, till you come to a large old house by the road side. You'll see a pair of large horns over the door. That's the sign. Drive up the yard, and call stoutly about you. Hardcastle. You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a show at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too stiff indeed, but that's no great matter. Diggory. Ay, mind how I hold them. I learned to hold my hands this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill Hardcastle. You must not be so talkative, Diggory. You must be all attention to the guests. You must hear us talk, and not think of talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat and not think of eating. Diggory. By the laws, your worship, that's parfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees Hastings. Sir, we are obliged to you. The yeating going forward, ecod he's always wishing servants can't miss the way? Tony. No, no: but I tell you, though, the landlord is rich, and going to leave off business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, saving your presence, he he! he! He'll be for giving you his company; and, ecod, if you mind him, he'll persuade you that his mother was an alderman, and his aunt a justice of peace. Landlord. A troublesome old blade, to be sure; but a keeps as good wines and beds as any in the whole country. Marlow. Well, if he supplies us with these, we shall want no further connexion. We are to turn to the right, did you say? for a mouthful himself. Hardcastle. Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. Diggory. Eeod, I thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. Hardcastle. Diggory, you are too talkative.— Then, if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out alaughing, as if you made part of the company. Diggory. Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of ould Grouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that-he! he! he!-for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twen Tony. No, no; straight forward. I'll just step myself, and show you a piece of the way. To ty years-ha! ha! ha! the Landlord.] Mum! Hardcastle. Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good Landlord. Ah, bless your heart, for a sweet, one. Well, honest Diggory, you may laugh at pleasant damn'd mischievous son of a whore. that but still remember to be attentive. Suppose Exeunt. one of the company should call for a glass of wine, how will you behave? A glass of wine, sir, if you lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men please [to Diggory]-eh, why don't you move? confidence. I don't know that I was ever familiarly Diggory. Ecod, your worship, I never have cou-acquainted with a single modest woman, except rage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought my mother-But among females of another class upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld as a lion. Hardcastle. What, will nobody move? First Servant. I'm not to leave this place. you know Hastings. Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. Marlow. They are of us, you know. Hastings. But in the company of women of Diggory. Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be reputation I never saw such an idiot, such a tremmine. bler; you look for all the world as if you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of the room. Hardcastle. You numskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarreling for places, the Marlow. Why, man, that's because I do want guests must be starved. O you dunces! I find Ito steal out of the room. Faith, I have often formmust begin all over again-But don't I hear a ed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away at coach drive into the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and give my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. [Exit Hardcastle. Diggory. By the elevens, my place is gone quite out of my head. Roger. I know that my place is to be every where. First Servant. Where the devil is mine? Second Servant. My place is to be nowhere at all; and so l'ze go about my business. [Exeunt Servants, running about as if frighted, different ways. Enter SERVANT with candles, showing in MARLOW and Servant. Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome! any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence. Hastings. If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed-maker. Marlow. Why, George, I can't say fine things to them; they freeze, they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me, a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. Hastings. Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to marry? Marlow. Never, unless, as among kings and princes, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If, Hastings. After the disappointments of the day, indeed, like an eastern bridegroom, one were to be welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a be endured. But to go through all the terrors of a very well-looking house; antique but creditable. formal courtship, together with the episode of Marlow. The usual fate of a large mansion. aunts, grandmothers, and cousins, and at last to Having first ruined the master by good house-keep-blunt out the broad staring question of, Madam, ing, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. will you marry me? No, no, that's a strain much Hastings. As you say, we passengers are to be above me, I assure you. taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimney-piece, though not actually put in the bill, inflame a reckoning confoundedly, Marlow. Travellers, George, must pay in all places; the only difference is, that in good inns you pay dearly for luxuries, in bad inns you are fleeced and starved. Hastings. I pity you. But how do you intend behaving to the lady you are come down to visit at the request of your father? Marlow. As I behave to all other ladies. Bow very low, answer yes or no to all her demands→ But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture to look in her face till I see my father's again, a Hastings. I'm surprised that one who is so warm friend can be so cool a lover. Hastings. You have lived very much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised, that Marlow. To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my you who have seen so much of the world, with your chief inducement down was to be instrumental in natural good sense, and your many opportunities, forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss could never yet acquire a requisite share of assur-Neville loves you, the family don't know you! as my friend you are sure of a reception, and let hon our do the rest. ance. Marlow. The Englishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could I have learned that as- Hastings. My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress surance you talk of? My life has been chiefly the emotion. Were I a wretch, meanly seeking to spent in a college or an inn, in seclusion from that carry off a fortune, you should be the last man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But George Brooks—I'll pawn my dukedom, says he, Miss Neville's person is all I ask, and that is but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of mine, both from her deceased father's consent, blood. So and her own inclination. Hardcastle. Punch, sir! [aside.] This is the Marlow. What, my good friend, if you gave us Marlow. Happy man! You have talents and a glass of punch in the mean time; it would help us art to captivate any woman. I'm doomed to adore to carry on the siege with vigour. the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met awkward unprepossessing visage of mine can never permit me to soar above the reach of a milliner's 'prentice, or one of the duchesses of Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. Enter HARDCASTLE. with. Marlow. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know, Hardcastle. Here's a cup, sir. Marlow [aside]. So this fellow, in his LibertyHardcastle. Gentlemen, once more you are hall, will only let us have just what he pleases. heartily welcome. Which is Mr. Marlow? Sir, you Hardcastle [taking the cup]. I hope you'll find are heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to it to your mind. I have prepared it with my own receive my friends with my back to the fire, I like hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients are to give them a hearty reception in the old style at tolerable. Will you be so good as to pledge me. my gate. I like to see their horses and trunks sir? Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better actaken care of. Marlow [aside]. He has got our names from the servants already.[ To Hardcastle.] We approve your caution and hospitality, sir.-[To Hastings.] I have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. Hardcastle. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. Marlow. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the battle, I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. quaintance. [Drinks. Marlow [aside], A very impudent fellow, this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little, Sir, my service to you. [Drinks. Hastings [aside]. I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an innkeeper before he has learned to be a gentleman. Marlow. From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of busincss in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose. Hardcastle. No, sir, I have long given that work Hardcastle. Mr. Marlow-Mr. Hastings-gen-over. Since our betters have hit upon the expedient tlemen-pray be under no restraint in this house, of electing each other, there is no business "for us This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do that sell ale." just as you please here. Marlow. Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the embroidery to secure a retreat. Hardcastle. Your talking of a retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the garrison Hastings. So then you have no turn for politics, I Marlow. Don't you think the ventre d'or waist-Sir my service to you. coat will do with the plain brown? Hastings. So that with eating above stairs, and Hardcastle. He first summoned the garrison, drinking below, with receiving your friends withwhich might consist of about five thousand men-in, and amusing them without, you lead a good Hastings. I think not: brown and yellow mix pleasant bustling life of it. but very poorly. Hardcastle. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men Marlow. The girls like finery. Hardcastle. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to him-You must have heard of Hardcastle. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. Marlow (after drinking]. And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. Hardcastle. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. Marlow [aside]. Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an inkeeper's philosophy. Hastings. But let's hear it, Hastings. So, then, like an experienced general, | Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three you attack them on every quarter. If you find little things, clean and comfortable, will do. their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. [Drinks. Hardcastle. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha ha! Your generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. Marlow. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper? Hardcastle. For supper, sir! [Aside] Was ever such a request to a man in his own house! Murlow. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. Hardcastle [aside]. Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. [To him.] Why really, sir, as for supper, I can't well tell. My Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Marlow. You do, do you? Hardcastle. Entirely. By the by, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. Marlow. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy-council. It's a way I have got. When I travel I always choose to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, air? Marlow [reading]. For the first course at the top, a pig, and prune sauce. Hastings. Damn your pig, I say. Marlow, And damn your prune sauce, say I. Hardcastle. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with prune sauce is very good eating. Marlow. At the bottom a calf's tongue and brains. Hastings. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't like them. Marlow. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. Hardcastle [aside]. Their impudence confounds me. [To them.] Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? Marlow. Item. A pork pie, a boiled rabbit and sausages, a Florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff-taff-taffety cream. Hastings. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating. Hardcastle. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if there be any thing you have a particular fancy to Marlow. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as Send us what you please. So much for And now to see that our beds are aired, Hardcastle. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our Bridget, the cook-maid, is another. not very communicative upon these occasions. supper. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out and properly taken care of. of the house. Hastings. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. Marlow [to Hardcastle, who looks at them with surprise]. Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too. Hardcastle. I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step. Marlow. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I always look to these things myself. Hardcastle. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head. Hardcastle. Sir, you have a right to command Marlow. You see I'm resolved on it. [Aside.] here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to- A very troublesome fellow this, as I ever met with. night's supper: I believe it's drawn out.-Your Hardcastle. Well, sir, I'm resolved at least to manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my attend you. [Aside.] This may be modern mouncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, desty, but I never saw any thing look so like oldthat no man was sure of his supper till he had fashioned impudence. eaten it. Hastings [Aside]. All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's hear the bill of fare. [Exeunt Marlow and Hardcastle. Hastings alone]. So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant to please him?-Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy! Enter MISS NEVILLE. Marlow [perusing]. What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiner's company, or the corporation of Miss Neville. My dear Hastings! To what un expected good fortune, to what accident, am I to through all the rest of the family.-What have wo ascribe this happy meeting? Hastings. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn. Miss Neville. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my guardian, lives here. What could induce you to think this house an inn? Hastings. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither. Miss Neville. Certainly it must be one of my hopeful cousin's tricks, of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha! Hastings. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such just apprehensions? got here? Hastings. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcas tle and Miss Neville. Give me leave to introduce Miss Constance Neville to your acquaintance. Happening to dine in the neighbourhood, they called on their return to take fresh horses here. Miss Hardcastle has just stepped into the next room, and will be back in an instant. Wasn't it lucky? eh! Marlow [aside.] I have been mortified enough of all conscience, and here comes something to complete my embarrassment. Hastings. Well, but wasn't it the most fortunate thing in the world? Miss Neville. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd adore him if you knew Marlow. Oh! yes. Very fortunate-a most how heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it joyful encounter-But our dresses, George, you too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and know are in disorder-What if we should postactually begins to think she has made a conquest. pone the happiness till to-morrow?-To-morrow Hastings. Thou dear dissembler! You must at her own house-It will be every bit as conveknow, my Constance, I have just seized this happy nient-and rather more respectful-To-morrow let opportunity of my friend's visit here to get admit- it be. [Offering to go. tance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then, if my dearest girl will trust in her faithful Hastings, we shall soon be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are respected. Miss Neville. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I yet should leave my little fortune behind with reluctance. The greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India director, and chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The instant 'hey are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to make them and myself yours. Hastings. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know the strange reserve of his temper is such, that if abruptly informed of it, he would instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for execution. Miss Neville. But how shall we keep him in the deception? Miss Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to deceive him?This, this way——— [They confer. Enter MARLOW. Miss Neville. By no means, sir. Your ceremony will displease her. The disorder of your dress will show the ardour of your impatience. Besides, she knows you are in the house, and will permit you to see her. Marlow. O! the devil! how shall I support it? -Hem! hem! Hastings, you must not go. You are to assist me, you know. I shall be confound edly ridiculous. Yet, hang it! I'll take courage. Hem! Hastings. Pshaw, man! it's but the first plunge. and all's over. She's but a woman, you know. Marlow. And of all women, she that I dread most to encounter. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, as returned from walking. Hastings [introducing them.] Miss Hardcas tle. Mr. Marlow. I'm proud of bringing two persons of such merit together, that only want to know, to esteem each other. Miss Hardcastle [aside.] Now for meeting my modest gentleman with a demure face, and quite in his own manner. [After a pause, in which he appears very uncasy and disconcerted.] I'm glad of your safe arrival, sir,—I'm told you had some accidents by the way. Marlow. Only a few, madam. Yes, we had Marlow. The assiduities of these good people some. Yes, madam, a good many accidents, but tease me beyond bearing. My host seems to think should be sorry-madam-or rather glad of any it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he claps accidents-that are so agreeably concluded. Hem. not only himself but his old-fashioned wife on my Hastings [to him.] You never spoke better in back. They talk of coming to sup with us too; your whole life. Keep it up and I'll insure you and then, I suppose, we are to run the gauntlet the victory. |