Miss Hardcastle. I'm afraid you flatter, sir. must be some who, wanting a relish for refined You, that have seen so much of the finest compa-pleasures, pretend to despise what they are incany, can find little entertainment in an obscure cor- pable of tasting. ner of the country. Marlow. My meaning, madam, but infinitely Marlow [gathering courage]. I have lived, in-better expressed. I can't help observingdeed, in the world, madam; but I have kept very little company. I have been but an observer upon life, madam, while others were enjoying it. Miss Neville. But that, I am told, is the way to enjoy it at last. Hastings [to him]. Cicero never spoke better. Once more, and you are confirmed in assurance for ever. Marlow [to him]. Hem! stand by me then, and when I'm down, throw in a word or two to set me up again. Miss Hardcastle. An observer, like you, upon life were, I fear, disagreeably employed, since you must have had much more to censure than to approve. Marlow. Pardon me, madam. I was always willing to be amused. The folly of most people is rather an object of mirth than uneasiness. Hastings [to him]. Bravo, bravo. Never spoke so well in your whole life. Well, Miss Hardcastle, I see that you and Mr. Marlow are going to be very good company. I believe our being here will but embarrass the interview. Marlow. Not in the least, Mr. Hastings. We like your company of all things. [To him.] Zounds! George, sure you won't go? how can you leave us? Hastings. Our presence will but spoil conversation, so we'll retire to the next room. [To him.] You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a little tête-à-tête of our own. [Exeunt. Miss Hardcastle [after a pause]. But you have not been wholly an observer, I presume, sir: the ladies, I should hope, have employed some part of your addresses. Marlow [relapsing into timidity]. Pardon me, madam, I-I-I-as yet have studied-only-to deserve them. Miss Hardcastle. And that, some say, is the very worst way to obtain them. Marlow. Perhaps so, madam. But I love to converse only with the more grave and sensible part of the sex.-But I'm afraid I grow tiresome. Miss Hardcastle. Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave conversation myself; I could hear it for ever. Indeed I have often been surprised how a man of sentiment could ever admire those light airy pleasures, where nothing reaches the heart. Miss Hardcastle [aside]. Who could ever suppose this fellow impudent upon such occasions! [To him.] You were going to observe, sirMarlow. I was observing, madam-1 protest, madam, I forget what I was going to observe. Miss Hardcastle [aside]. I vow and so do I. [To him.] You were observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy-something about hypocrisy, sir. Marlow. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who upon strict inquiry do not -a-a-a sir. Miss Hardcastle. I understand you perfectly, Marlow [aside]. Egad! and that's more than I do myself. Miss Hardcastle. You mean that in this hypocritical age there are few that do not condemn in public what they practise in private, and think they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. Marlow. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam. Miss Hardcastle. Not in the least, sir; there's something so agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force-pray, sir, go on. Marlow. Yes, madam. I was sayingthat there are some occasions-when a total want of courage, madam, destroys all the -and puts us- -upon a-a-a Miss Hardcastle. I agree with you entirely; a want of courage upon some occasions assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when we most want to excel. I beg you'll proceed. Marlow. Yes, madam. Morally speaking, madam-But I see Miss Neville expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. Miss Hardcastle. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray go on. Marlow. Yes, madam, I was- -But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you? Miss Hardcastle. Well then, I'll follow. Marlow [aside]. This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. [Exit. Miss Hardcastle [alone]. Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever such a sober, sentimental interview? I'm certain he scarce looked in my face the whole time, Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable Marlow. It's- -a disease- of the mind, ma- bashfulness, is pretty well too. He has good dam. In the variety of tastes there must be some sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fawho, wanting a relish- -for- -um-a-um. tigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach Miss Hardcastle. I understand you, sir. There him a little confidence it would be doing somebody Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MRS. HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. Tony. What do you follow me for, Cousin Con? I wonder you're not ashamed to be so very engag ing. Miss Neville. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame. Tony. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. 1 tell you, Cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg you'll keep your distance, I want no nearer relationship. [She follows, coquetting him to the back scene. Mrs. Hardcastle. Well! I vow, Mr. Hastings, you are very entertaining. There is nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. Hastings. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James's, or Tower Wharf. Mrs. Hardcastle. O! sir, you're only pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tête-à-tête from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked-Lane. Pray how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings? Hastings. Extremely elegant and dégagée, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? Hastings. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, so among the men there are none old. Mrs. Hardcastle. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig to convert it into a tête for my own wearing. Hastings. Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you. Mrs. Hardcastle. Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town? Hastings. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I'm told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. Mrs. Hardcastle. Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the fashion. Hastings. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty. For instance, miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, as a mere maker of samplers. Mrs. Hardcastle. And yet Mrs. Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels as the oldest of us all. Hastings. Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume? Mrs. Hardcastle. My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! I've not a place in the house now that's left to myself, but the stable. Mrs. Hardcastle. Never mind him, Con, my dear, he's in another story behind your back. Miss Neville. There's something generous in Mrs. Hardcastle. I protest, I dressed it myself my cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to from a print in the Ladies' Memorandum-book be forgiven in private. for the last year. Hastings. Indeed! Such a head in a side-box at the play-house would draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a city ball. Mrs. Hardcastle. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd. Hastings. But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. [Bowing. Tony. That's a damned confounded-crack. Mrs. Hardcastle. Ah! he's a sly one. Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They're of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. Tony. You had as good not make me, I tell you. [Measuring. Miss Neville. O lud! he has almost cracked my head. Mrs. Hardcastle. Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will never argue down a single button from his clothes. I Ecod, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. Mrs. Hardcastle. O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so! Tony. If I'm a man, let me have my fortin. Mrs. Hardcastle. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I'm to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and weep while the receipt was operating? Hastings. To me she appears sensible and silent. Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with her playmate, she's as loud as a hog in a gate. Tony. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever since I was born. I Hastings. But there is a meek modesty about have gone through every receipt in the Complete her that charms me. Housewife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through Quincey next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. Hardcastle. Wasn't it all for your good, viper? Wasn't it all for your good? Tony. I wish you'd let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way when I'm in spirits. If I'm to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. Mrs. Hardcastle. That's false; I never see you when you're in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I'm never to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! Tony. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're flung in the ditch. mum. Hastings. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.-Yes, you must allow her some beauty. Tony. Band-box! She's all a made-up thing, Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. She'd make two of she. Hastings. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands? Tony. Anan? Hastings. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the your dear Betsy? wildest of the two. Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend, Mrs. Hardcastle. Was ever the like? but I see for who would take her? he wants to break my heart; I see he does. Hastings. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty. Hastings. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her. Tony. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop Mrs. Hurdcastle. Well, I must retire. Come, of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to your Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, wretchedness of my situation: was ever poor wo- and may-be get you a part of her fortin besides in man so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provok-jewels that you little dream of. ing, undutiful boy? [Exeurt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville. HASTINGS, TONY. Tony [singing]. "There was a young man riding by, and fain would have his will. Rang do didlo dee.". -Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together;| and they said they liked the book the better the more it made them cry. Hastings. Then you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman? Tony. That's as I find 'um. Hastings. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. Hastings. My dear 'Squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. Tony. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you are done with me. [Singing. Hardcastle. WHAT could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of Tony. That's because you don't know her so well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantackerous toad in all Christendom. Hastings [aside]. Pretty encouragement this the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took for a lover! off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see Tony. I have seen her since the height of that. them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a his impudence affects my daughter. She will colt the first day's breaking. certainly be shocked at it. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. Hardcastle. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I bid you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your fa ther if he was a maker of punch! Miss Hardcastle. One of us must certainly be mistaken. Hardcastle. If he be what he has shown himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent. Miss Hardcastle. And if he be the sullen thing Miss Hardcastle. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety. Hardcastle. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover to-day. to reject him. Miss Hardcastle. You taught me to expect | something extraordinary, and 1 find the original exceeds the description. Hardcastle. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties! Miss Hardcastle. I never saw any thing like it: and a man of the world too! Hardcastle. Ay, he learned it all abroad-what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade. Miss Hardcastle. It seems all natural to him. Hardcastle. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing-master. Miss Hardcastle. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing-master could never have taught him that timid look-that awkward address-that bashful manner Hardcastle. Whose look? whose manner, child? Miss Hardcastle. Mr. Marlow's : his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at the first sight. Hardcastle. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. Miss Hardcastle. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so modest. Hardcastle. And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. Miss Hardcastle. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground. Hardcastle. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again. Miss Hardcastle. Yes: but upon conditions. For if you should find him less impudent, and I more presuming: if you find him more respectful, and I more importunate-I don't know-the fellow is well enough for a man-Certainly we don't meet many such at a horse-race in the country. -But Hardcastle. If we should find him sothat's impossible. The first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. Miss Hardcastle. And yet there may be many good qualities under that first appearance. Hardcastle. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. Miss Hardcastle. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment to my good sense, won't end with a sncer at my understanding? Hardcastle. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. Miss Hardcastle. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make further discoveries? Hardcastle. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. Miss Hardcastle. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt. Enter TONY, running in with a casket. Tony. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their forMy cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My tin neither. O! my genus, is that you? Enter HASTINGS. Miss Hardcastle. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; Hastings. My dear friend, how have you mantired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow, and "Madam, I would not for the world detain you." aged with your mother? I hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. Hardcastle. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer: interrupted my best Tony. And here's something to bear your remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in charges by the way [giving the casket]-your my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and sweetheart's jewels. Keep them; and hang those Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand I say, that would rob you of one of them. Hastings. But how have you procured them for them? Tell her they're lost. It's the only way from your mother? to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. Tony. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man may rob himself of his own at any time. Mrs. Hardcastle [apart to Tony]. You know, my dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So if 1 say they're gone, you'll bear me witness, will you? He! he! he! Tony. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my own eyes. Hastings. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you, Miss Neville is endeavouring to Miss Neville. I desire them but for a day, procure them from her aunt this very instant. If madam. Just to be permitted to show them as she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at relics, and then they may be locked up again. least of obtaining them. Mrs. Hardcastle. To be plain with you, my dear Tony. Well, keep them, till you know how it Constance, if I could find them you should have will be. But I know how it will be well enough, them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, for she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in her aught I know; but we must have patience, wherever head. they are. Miss Neville. I'll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to deny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you are to answer for the loss Mrs. Hardcastle. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to be found. Tony. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be found; I'll take my oath on't. Mrs. Hardcastle. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am. Miss Neville. Ay, people are generally calm at Mrs. Hardcastle. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is beyond a thousand the misfortunes of others. ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my Lady Kill-daylight, and Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back. Miss Neville. But who knows, madam, but somebody who shall be nameless would like me best with all my little finery about me? Mrs. Hardcastle. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if with such a pair of eyes you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con want any jewels in your eyes, to set off her beauty? Tony. That's as thereafter may be. Mrs. Hardcastle. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean time you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. Miss Neville. I detest garnets. Mrs. Hardeastle. The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me: you shall have them. [Exit. Miss Neville. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir.—Was ever any thing so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear her trumpery. Tony. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the Miss Neville. My dear aunt, if you knew how garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are it would oblige me. Mrs. Hardcastle. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table cut things. They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a puppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can't readily come at them. They may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary. Tony [apart to Mrs. Hardcastle]. Then, why don't you tell her so at once, as she's so longing your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. Miss Neville. My dear cousin! Tony. Vanish. She's here and has missed them already. [Exit Miss Neville.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a catherine wheel. |