ANECDOTES.

FOOLS.

A country 'squire asked a juggler why he played he fool? For the same reason you do; out of want: You do it for want of wit: I for want of money."

GOING FAST.

A gentleman met another in the street, who was ill of a consumption, and accosted him thus: "Ah! my friend, 'you walk slow." "Yes," replied the man "but I am going fast.”

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

In a new raised corps, a soldier observed that "a corporal was to be dismissed from the regiment." "Then I hope," said an Irishman, "It is corporal punishment."

PRINCIPAL AND INTEREST.

A debtor observed to a creditor, "that it was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to pay the interest."

LICENCE.

A maimed soldier begged charity of a poet, saying, "I have a license to beg." " Lice thou may'st have, but sense thou canst have none, to beg of a poet."

STUPIDITY.

"I believe the jury have been inoculated for stu pidity," said a lawyer.-" That may be," said his opponent, "but the bar are of opinion that you had it in the natural way"

A SPARE RIB.

An epicure requested his landlord to get him a sparerib. The inn-keeper declared he had none but a crooked rib, which he should be glad enough to spare.”

EQUALITY.

Dr. Johnson remarked, "your levellers wish to level down as far as themselves, but they cannot bear levelling up to themselves.”

DEMETRIUS.

Demetrius would at times retire from business to attend to pleasure. On such occasions he usually feigned indisposition. His father coming to visit him, saw a beautiful young lady retire from his chamber. On entering, Demetrius said, "Sir, the fever has left me.” "I met it at the door," replied the father.

LEGISLATION.

A lawgiver being indisposed, his physician prescribed a variety of remedies at once-"Why such a variety

of remedies at once?" said the sick minister, "some may counteract the effect of others," "true," ,"replied the doctor, "I beg pardon; I believe I am wrong; but I was inclined to treat your complaint as you have treated the disorders of the STATE."

GOOD MEASURE.

A man travelling in the country, asked another the distance to a certain town, and was told it was ten miles off after proceeding a few rods further, our traveller met a boy and asked him the same question, and was answered that the distance was seven miles, whereupon he thought the boy intended to quiz him and rebuked him sharply for giving him wrong infor mation upon the subject, but the boy insisted he was right, and had no doubt the gentleman would find the distance seven miles, good measure:

Á FOUNDER.

An auctioneer at a sale of antiquities put up a helmet, saying, "ladies and gentlemen, this is a helmet of Romulus the Roman Founder, but whether he was a brass or iron founder I cannot tell."

A number of military gentlemen once dined with Col. Gardiner at his own house, when he addressed them with much respect, and begged leave to remind them that as he was a justice of the peace in that district, he was bound by oath to put the laws against swearing into execution; he therefore entreated them to be on their guard-only one offended on that day who immediately paid the penalty which was given to the poor, with the universal approbation of the company.

VOL. II.

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HALF MOURNING.

A little girl hearing her mother say she was going in half mourning, inquired if any of her relations were half dead.

MURDER.

An Irish gentleman who had no talent for the stage, attempted to enact Major O'Flaherty in the Dublin Theatre. On his way home he was given in charge of the patrol, being accused of murder, and kept in the watch-house all night, but was released in the morning on an explanation being made that he had murdered a dramatic character.

HAM.

A Jew paying particular attention to a ham of bacon when asked what he was saying to it, replied, "I was saying thou almost persuadest me to be a christian.”

WOMAN AS SHE SHOULD BE.

A young woman went into a library in School-street and asked for "Man as he is."-"That is out" said the librarian, "but we have Woman as she should be."

RAISING RENT.

"Sir I intend to raise your rent," said a landlord to a tenant, to which the latter replied, "I am much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."

PAYMENT

An agent soliciting subscribers for a book, showed the prospectus to a man who, after reading one dollar

in boards, and one dollar twenty-five cents in sheep, declined subscribing, as he might not have boards nor sheep on hand when called upon for payment.

GUESSING.

"Jack, which is the way to Epping."-" How do you know my name is Jack.”—“I guess it."—" Then guess your way to Epping."

NOBLE CHILD.

While the United States was drawing near the Macedonian, a child on board, said to Decatur-" Commodore I wish you would put my name on the muster roll!" "What for?" "That I may get a share of the prize money." It was done after the capture, the commodore said, "well Ned, she's ours, and your share of the prize money will be about $200, what will you do with it?" "I'll send $100 to my mother, and the other shall send me to school." This boy is now a midshipman.

SNACKS.

During the plague in London a noted body searcher lived, whose name was Snacks. His business increased so fast, that finding he could not compass it, he offered to any person who should join him in his hardened practice, half the profits; thus those who joined him were said to go with Snacks. Hence going snacks, or dividing the spoil.

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A CUP TOO MUCH.

A thief having stolen a cup was pursued and taken was the matter? -a bystander was asked what

"That fellow," said he," has taken a cup too much!"