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GALAXY OF WITS

ак

LAUGHING PHILOSOPHER-

BEING A COLLECTION OF

CHOICE ANECDOTES,

MANY OF WHICH ORIGINATED IN OR A BOUT

• “THE LITERARY EMPORIUM

Embellished with several Engravings.

IN

TWO VOLUMES,

VOL.I.

STEREOTYPED BY J. REED..... BOSTON.

PUBLISHED IN BOSTON.

1930.

THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

ASTOR, LENOX AND TILDEN FOUNDATIONS R

1915

ANECDOTES.

PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER.

A clerical gentleman, remarkable for preaching many sundays from one text, had nearly run through the year from these words, “ Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever.” The church bell tolled early one morning, when the minister despatched a servant to inquire who was dead. The sexton pretended ignorance, but returned for answer, “that he believed it was " Peter's wife's mother," as she had been sick for a long time.”

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SCATTERING SHOT. An itinerant preacher, who rambled in his sermons, when requested to stick to his text, replied, “ that scattering shot would hit the most birds."

POLISHING,

A person in a public company, accusing the Irish nation with being the most unpolished in the world, was answered mildly by an Irish gentleman, " that it ought to be otherwise, for the Irish meet with hard rubs enough to polish any nation on earth,”?.

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A PROVERB WELL APPLIED.

A gambler who was very eager and covetous, said, after losing a large sum at play, “I have at least the merit of losing my money without complaining." “ True,” said a lady, “ for great grief is dumb."

PARSON'S TOAST. Lord Clive asked a chaplain to one of his regiments in the East Indian Company's service for a toast, “Alas and alack-a-day! what can I give?" said the latter“Nothing better,” replied his lordship. Come gentlemen, a bumper to the parson's toast a lass, and a lack a day!”

N. B. A lack of rupees is a hundred thousand pounds.

FLESH AND THE SPIRIT.

Miss Drummond the late famous preacher among the quakers, being asked by a gentleman if the spiri. had never inspired her with the thoughts of marriage; " No, friend,” said she, “ but the flesh often has!"

ATTORNEYS AND APOTHECARIES.

Rabelia says,

“the attorneys are to the lawyers what the apothecaries are to physicians, only they do not deal in scruples.

TESTAMENTS.

A countryman going into the Probate office where the wills are kept in huge volumes on the shelves, asked if they were all bibles? “ No Sir," replied one of the clerks, « they are testaments,"

CONCORD.

"I wonder,” said a woman of humour, " why my husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uniformly in one grand point: he wishes to be master, and so

do l.”

A BILL.

.

A grave-digger, who burried a Mr. Button, placed the following item in a bill which he sent to the widow of the deceased:

“To making a Button-hole-2s.”

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EQUALITY.

A curious conversation lately took place on board one of the Margate hoys, which being overheard, occasioned no small merriment among the passengers. A gentleman who was totally unacquainted with the customs of those vessels, till all the cabins were doubly occupied, one excepted, in which there was a lady. He addressed himself to her: “ Pray Madam, be so kind as to make way for me?" Good God, Sir! you cannot come here, go to the other cabins.” “I have, madam, and find they are all full.” “Sir, it is impossible to admit you here, for I am undressed.”.

“ Well, Madam, I scorn to take any advantage of you, I will therefore undress too!".

MASTER OF THE PARISH,

As a lame country school-master was hobbling one day to his school room, he met with a certain nobleman, who asked him his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, “ I am master of the para ish!” “Master of the Parish!” observed the peer, “how can that be?” “ I am master of the children of the Parish,” said the man;

the children are masters VOL. 1.

1*

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