"Good marnin'. Me name is Michael Lavery, and I live in Devarsey Street, on the South Side, and I kape chickens in me cellar, and the water came in and drowned thim; what'll I do?” (Gruffly.) "What, sir?" "Me name is Michael Lavery, and I live in Devarsey Street, on the South Side, and I kape chickens in me cellar, and the water came in and drowned thim; what'll I do?" "What's that?" (Very loud.) "Me name is Michael Lavery, and I live in Devarsey Street, on the South Side, and I kape chickens in me cellar, and the water came and drowned thim; what'll I do?" "I don't understand one word you say, sir!" (Very softly and sarcastically, and working up into loud voice.) "Me name is Michael Lavery, and I live in Devarsey Street, on the South Side, and I kape chickens in me cellar, and the water came in and drowned thim; what'll I do?" "The water came in and drowned your chickens; what will you do?" “Yis, sir.” "Well I can do nothing for you, so good-morning, sir!" (Clerk whispers to Lavery as he is passing out.) "Well, Mr. Lavery, what did he say to you?" "Kape ducks!" LISP ANONYMOUS Thome folks thay I listhp, THEY MET BY CHANCE ANONYMOUS They met by chance, They had never met before. And she was stricken sore. They never met again, Don't want to, I'll allow! They met but once: 'Twas a freight-train and a cow! THE BRIDEGROOM'S TOAST (Speaks while seated.) ANONYMOUS "I know a story,-what? (Laughs.) I know another story,-eh? Oh, don't ask me. I never made a speech in my life. I am willing to do anything to make you fully enjoy―(This is broken by applause, which the reader may imitate by rapping on a chair, or on a table.) I will only make a fool of myself- -(Attempting to get up. More applause. Sits down again.) I would rather not. (After much difficulty and persuasion he rises to his feet and begins.) Ladies and gentlemen, I have been suddenly called upon to propose a toast, which I think you will admit, I am suddenly called upon, --very suddenly,-to propose and- (Sits down. More applause. Rises again.) Ladies and gentlemen, you are very kind (clears throat) and I will do my best, and I only hope that unaccustomed as I am to public houses,-speaking,-I sometimes find I have some difficulty in the,—of course I don't mean to say, I don't mean to say what I mean when I mean what I say! At all events, ladies and gentlemen, I am very, very much obliged for the kind remarks in which you have drunk my health. (Sits down. Rises again.) I am called upon to propose a toast (makes a motion as if someone has thrown something at him from behind striking him on the head) upon-to propose a toast, but have forgotten it. Considering it is the most important toast of the evening you will understand―(Aside: 'What is the toast?') -the toast of the ladies. Of course we all know (runs his hand up and down the back of the chair) whatever may be said against them, whatever people may say about the ladies, there is no doubt the ladies are really a very excellent-institution! I don't agree with those people who I think, I say, that far from being a uniform success they are the reverse. I am bold enough to say, I don't agree that they are very nearly as good as we are. I know (again he is hit in the back) there are few drink the health of the army and navy,—I mean ladies. Shakespeare says that 'when a woman' (hit again)—I had it just now. Shakespeare says, 'When a woman,'-oh, yes, the immortal bard says, 'We won't go home till morning!" (Sits down in great confusion.) REHEARSING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS BY STANLEY HUNTLEY "Now, my dear," said Mr. Spoopendyke, opening the book and assuming the correct dramatic scowl-"now my dear, we'll rehearse our parts for Specklewottle's theatricals. I'm to be Hamlet and you're to be the queen, and we want this thing to go off about right. The hardest part we have to play together is where I accuse you of poisoning my father, and we'd better try that until we get it perfect. I'll commence: "Now, mother, what's the matter?" "Well, I was thinking whether I had better wear my black silk or my maroon suit. Do queens wear "Will you be kind enough to tell me what pack of cards you got that idea of a queen from? Do you suppose the queen sent for Hamlet to get his opinion about bargains in dry-goods? When I say that you must say, 'Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended!"" "Oh, I understand, I thought you asked me what I was think ing about. I didn't know you had commenced to play. Try it again." "Well you be careful this time, this is a play, this is. Think you know the difference between a play and a bankrupt sale? Know the distinction between a play and a millinery-shop opening? Now, I'll begin again and you try to do it decently." "Now, mother, what's the matter!" "There's nothing the matter now; go on, dear. I understand it now." "Say it, can't ye! Haven't ye studied this business? Don't ye know your part?" "What shall I say, dear?" "Say! Sing a hymn! If you don't know your part, get off a psalm! Didn't I tell you what to say? Look here. Have you ever read this play? Have you conceived any kind of a notion of what it's all about?" "Why, yes, you come in and stab Mr. Specklewottle behind the ears and I scream. Isn't that right, dear?" That is all "Hear her! Stab Specklewottle behind the ears! right; now you scream! Scream, why don't you? so much about your measly part, why don't you play it?" "We-e-e-e-e! I knew I could do it right as soon as you showed me how. Will that do?" "Oh, that was queenly! Just do that again! Four of those dramatic efforts will make this play the greatest of modern entertainments! Do it once more!" "It hurts my throat. Can't we make it do with one scream, dear?" "Mrs. Spoopendyke, there's been some mistake made in this thing. You should have been cast for Ophelia. That was the part intended for you." "I would just as soon play it. What does he do?" "He was an idiot from his birth and afterward went crazy. That was the part for you." "Then I'd rather be queen. Now, dear, let's commence all over and I'll do it right this time." "You can't do it worse. I'll try it once more, just to see what kind of foolishness you can work off." "Now, mother, what's the matter?" "We-e-e-e, Hamlet, oh, Hamlet! We-e-e-e-e!" "Turn it off! Be quick and break off the end! What's the matter?" "We-e-e-e-e!" "What's the matter with you, anyway?" "We-e-e-e-e-e! My dear, you are just splendid as Hamlet. You should have been an actor." "Will ye ever shut up? Who ever told ye to yell like that? Don't ye know anything at all scarcely? Think Hamlet's a lunatic asylum? Got some kind of a notion that the queen's a fog-horn? Where'd ye get your idea of this thing, anyway?" "I did just as you told me, dear. You said I was to scream when you asked me what the matter was. Didn't I do it right?" "Oh, that was right! You struck the keynote of high art both times! With that yell and your knowledge of the text all you want now is a fire and a free list to be a theater with a restaurant attachment! Such talent as that can't be wasted on any cheap Shakespeare plays while I've got the money and influence to get you a job in the legitimate circus!" And Mr. Spoopendyke bolted from the house, thoroughly disgusted with private theatricals. By permission of The Brooklyn Eagle. THE V-A-S-E BY JAMES JEFFREY ROCHE Far from the crowd they stood apart, And none might tell from sight alone The Gotham Millions fair to see, |