Sir F. Steal!-to be sure they may; and, egad, serve your best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children-disfigure them to make 'em pass for their own. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpo mene, and he, you know, never Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous plagiarist may do anything. Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his own comedy. Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the least hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the whole Dan. If it succeeds. Sir F. Aye-but with regard to this piece, I think I can hit that gentleman, for I can safely swear he never read it. Sneer. I'll tell Sir F. How? you how you may hurt him more— Sneer. Swear he wrote it. Sir F. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it ill. I believe you want to take away my character as an author! Sneer. Then I am sure you ought to be very much obliged to me. Sir F. Hey!-Sir! Dan. Oh, you know, he never means what he says. Sir F. But come, now, there must be something that you think might be mended, hey?—Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you? Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the most part, to Sir F. With most authors it is just so, indeed; they are in general strangely tenacious!-But, for my part, I am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opinion? Sneer. Very true. Why, then, though I seriously admire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection; which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention. Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more. Sir F. Good God !-you surprise me !-wants incident! Sneer. Yes; I own I think the incidents are too few. Sir F. Good God!-Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference. But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that the incidents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how does it strike you? with my Dan. Really, I can't agree friend Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest anything, it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth. Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir— Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul-it certainly don't fall off, I assure you.-No, no, it don't fall off. Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in the same light? Mrs. D. (R.) No, indeed, I did not-I did not see a fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the end. Sir F. [Crossing to Mrs. Dangle.] Upon my soul, the women are the best judges after all! Mrs. D. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece! but that I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long. Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of time; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out? Mrs. D. Oh, lud! no. I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays. Sir F. Then I am very happy-very happy, indeed— because the play is a short play, a remarkably short play: I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic. Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me. Sir F. [Crosses, L., and back to R. c.] Oh, if Mr. Dan gle read it, that's quite another affair! But I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three hours and an half, I'll undertake to read you the whole, from beginning to end, with the Prologue and Epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts. Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. [Exit, R. Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours. Sir F. [Crosses, c.] The newspapers!-Sir, they are the most villainous-licentious-abominable-infernalNot that I ever read them! no! I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper. Dan. (L.) You are quite right-for it certainly must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take. Sir F. No!-quite the contrary; their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric-I like it, of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support. Sneer. (R.) Why, that's true-and that attack now on you the other day Sir F. What? where? Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday; it was completely ill-natured, to be sure. Sir F. Oh, so much the better-Ha! ha! ha!-I wouldn't have it otherwise. Dan. Certainly, it is only to be laughed at; for Sir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you? Sneer. Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxious! Sir F. Oh, lud, no!—anxious—not I—not the least. I -But one may as well hear, you know. Dan. Sneer, do you recollect?-[Aside.] Make out something. Sneer. I will. [To Dangle.] Yes, yes, I remember perfectly. Sir F. Well, and pray, now-not that it signifies, what might the gentleman say? Sneer. Why he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention or original genius whatever; though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living. Sir F. Ha ha ha! Very good! Sneer. That, as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, he believes, even in your common-place book, where stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as the ledger of the Lost and Stolen Office. Sir F. Ha ha! ha! Very pleasant! Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the skill even to steal with taste: but that you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been before you; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sediments, like a bad tavern's worst wine. Sir F. Ha! ha! Sneer. In your most serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms! Sir F. Ha! ha! Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would a ground of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakspeare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's Page, and are about as near the standard of the original. Sir F. Ha! Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbering what it is not in their power to fertilize ! Sir F. [After great agitation.] Now, another person would be vexed at this. Sneer. Oh! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you. Sir F. I know it-I am diverted-Ha! ha! ha!-not the least invention!-Ha! ha! ha! very good! very good! Sneer. Yes-no genius! Ha! ha! ha! Dan. A severe rogue! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. Sir F. To be sure-for, if there is any thing to one s praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and if it is abuse-why one is always sure to hear of it from one damned good-natured friend or another! Enter SERVANT, L. Serv Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently. Dan. That's true-I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant, L.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer-Egad, Mr. Puff's your man. Sir F. Pshaw! sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer Sir F. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle, don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least. Dan. Nay, I only thought Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not. Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? Sir F. Gadslife! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you have been repeating to me!—And let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen-and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticismsand I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt-and so, your servant. [Exit, L. Now will he Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Fretful! go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors. But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy. Dan. I'll answer for it, he'll thank you for desiring it. Re-enter SERVant, L. Serv. Mr. Puff, sir. Dan. My dear Puff! Enter PUFF, L. Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? |