Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you.

Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? [Crossing to Sneer.] Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing a gentleman, whose critical talents and transcendant judgment

Sneer. Dear sir

Dan. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession.

Sneer. His profession!

Puf. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow -among friends and brother authors; Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivá voce.-I am, sir, a Practitioner in Panegyric, or, to speak more plainly-a Professor of the Art of Puffing, at your service-or anybody else's.

Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging!-I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints.

Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town-Devilish hard work all the summer- -Friend Dangle never worked harder! But, harkye-the Winter Managers were a little sore, I believe.

Dan. No! I believe they took it all in good part.

Puff Aye! Then that must have been affectation in them; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at.

Sneer. Aye, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves.

Puff. Why, yes-but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing. Nine out of ten, manufactured by me in the way of business.

Sneer. Indeed!

Puff. Even the auctioneers, now--the auctioneers, I say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language-not an article of the merit their's !—Take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as cata

logues!-No, sir; 'twas I first enriched their style-'twas I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other-like the bidders in their own auction-rooms! From ME they learned to enlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor: by ME, too, their inventive faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by ME they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruit-to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves-to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage, without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire!

Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit.

Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put

erect a statue to him.

you on exercising your talents in this way ?

Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity, the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention; you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that, for some time after, I led a most extraordinary life, indeed!

Sneer. How, pray?

Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes.

Sneer. By your misfortunes?

Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it.

Sneer. From sickness and misfortune!

Puff. Harkee!-By advertisements-" To the charitable and humane !" and "To those whom Providence hath blessed with affluence!"

Sneer. Oh-I understand you.

Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got; for I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time!—Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! Then, sir, though a

very

industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all, both times! I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself.

Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on

me

Puff. What, in November last ?-Oh, no! When I called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend! I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption! I was then reduced to-Oh, no-then, I became a widow with six helpless children-after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital!

Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt?

Puff. Why, yes,-though I made some occasional attempts at felo de se; but as I did not find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir-at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishments, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication-and so, sir, you have my history.

Sneer. Most obligingly communicative, indeed.

But

surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession?

Puff. Mystery! Sir, I will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to rule, before.

Sneer. Reduced to rule ?

Puff. Oh, lud, sir! you are very ignorant, I am afraid. —Yes, sir—Puffing is of various sorts: the principal are--the Puff direct-the Puff preliminary-the Puff collateral-the Puff collusive-and the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances

Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed!

Sneer. Yes; it is written by a particular friend of mine, who has discovered that the follies and foibles of society are subjects unworthy notice of the Comic Muse, who should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and blacker crimes of humanity-gibbetting capital offences in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two.-In short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey.

Dan. That is to unite poetry and justice indeed!

Enter SERVANT, l.

Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir.

Dan. Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant, L.] Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your

own taste.

Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because every body else abuses him.

Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if not of your judgment.

Dan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but himself, that's the truth on't-though he's my friend.

Sneer. Never! He is as envious as an old maid verging on the desperation of six-and-thirty.

Dan. Very true, egad—though he's my friend.

Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strictures; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man alive, and shrinks, like scorched parchment, from the fiery ordeal of true criticism.

Dan. There's no denying it-though he is my friend. Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, haven't you ?

Dan. Oh, yes; he sent it to me yesterday.

Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you? Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad I must ownthough he's my friend-that it is one of the most-He's here-Aside.] finished and most admirable performSir F. [Without, L.] Mr. Sneer with him, did you say

Enter SIR FRetful, l. He crosses to L. C.

Dan. Ah, my dear friend!-Egad, we were just speaking of your tragedy.-Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!

?

Sneer. (R. C.) You never did any thing beyond it, Sir Fretful-never in your life.

Sir F. (L. c.) You make me extremely happy; for without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose judgment I value as I do yours-and Mr. Dangle's.

Mrs. D. (R.) They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful, for it was but just now that-

Dan. (L.) Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dangle. My friend, Sneer, was rallying just now-He knows how she admires you, and

Sir F. Oh, Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste and sincerity than to—[Aside,] A damned double-faced fellow!

Dan. Yes, yes-Sneer will jest-but a better humour

ed

Sir F. Oh, I know

Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule-his wit costs him nothing.

Sir F. [Aside.] No, egad-or I should wonder how he came by it.

Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the managers yet? or can I be of any service to you?

Sir F. No, no, I thank you; I sent it to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre this morning.

Sneer. I should have thought, now, that it might have been cast (as the actors call it,) better at Drury Lane. Sir F. Oh, lud! no-never send a play there while I live-harkee ! [Whispers Sneer.

Sneer. "Writes himself!" I know he does

Sir F. I say nothing-I take away from no man's merit —am hurt at no man's good fortune-I say nothing—But this I will say-through all my knowledge of life, I have observed that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as envy!

Sneer. I believe you have reason for what you say, in

deed.

Sir F. Besides—I can tell you it is not always so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves.

Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, my dear Plagiary?