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Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you.

Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? [Crossing to Sneer.] Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing-a gentleman, whose critical talents and transcendant judgment—

Sneer. Dear sir

Dan. Nay, don't be modest, Sueer; my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession.

Sneer. His profession!

Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow -among friends and brother authors; Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivá voce.—I am, sir, a Practitioner in Panegyric, or, to speak more plainly-a Professor of the Art of Puffing, at your service-or anybody else's.

Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging!-I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints.

Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town-Devilish hard work all the summer-Friend Dangle never worked harder! But, harkye-the Winter Managers were a little sore, I believe.

Dan. No! I believe they took it all in good part.

Puff. Aye! Then that must have been affectation in them; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at.

Sneer. Aye, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves.

Puff. Why, yes-but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing. Nine out of ten, manufactured by me in the way of business.

Sneer. Indeed!

Puff Even the auctioneers, now-the auctioneers, I say, though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language-not an article of the merit their's!-Take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as cata

logues! No, sir; 'twas I first enriched their style-'twas I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other-like the bidders in their own auction-rooms! From ME they learned to enlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor: by ME, too, their inventive faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by мE they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruit-to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves-to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage, without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire!

Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit.

Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way?

Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity, the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention; you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that, for some time after, I led a most extraordinary life, indeed!

Sneer. How, pray?

Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes.

Sneer. By your misfortunes?

Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it.

Sneer. From sickness and misfortune!

Puff Harkee!-By advertisements-" To the charitable and humane!" and To those whom Providence hath

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blessed with affluence !"

Sneer. Oh-I understand you.

Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got; for I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time!-Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! Then, sir, though a

very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little all, both times! I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself.

Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on

me

Puff. What, in November last ?-Oh, no! When I called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend! I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption! I was then reduced. to-Oh, no-then, I became a widow with six helpless children-after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital!

Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt ?

Puff. Why, yes,-though I made some occasional attempts at felo de se; but as I did not find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishments, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication-and so, sir, you have my history.

But

Sneer. Most obligingly communicative, indeed. surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession?

Puff. Mystery! Sir, I will take upon me to say the matter was never scientifically treated, nor reduced to rule, before.

Sneer. Reduced to rule ?

Puff. Oh, lud, sir! you are very ignorant, I am afraid. -Yes, sir-Puffing is of various sorts:-the principal are—the Puff direct-the Puff preliminary-the Puff collateral-the Puff collusive-and the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances

require, the various forms of Letter to the Editor-Occasional Anecdote-Impartial Critique-Observation from Correspondent or Advertisements from the Party.

Sneer. The Puff direct, I can conceive

Puff. Oh, yes, that's simple enough-for instance-A new Comedy or Farce is to be produced at one of the theatres (though, by the bye, they don't bring out half what they ought to do): the author, suppose Mr. Smatter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular friend of minevery well; the day before it is to be performed, I write an account of the manner in which it was receivedI have the plot from the author-and only add-Characters strongly drawn-highly coloured-hand of a master -fund of genuine humour-mine of invention - neat dialogue-attic salt!-Then for the performance-Mr. Baker was astonishingly great in the character of Sir Harry! That universal and judicious actor, Mr. Egerton, perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the Colonel but it is not in the power of language to do justice to Mr. Jones!-Indeed, he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a most brilliant and judicious audience! In short, we are at a loss which to admire most-the unrivalled genius of the author, the great attention and liberality of the managers, the wonderful abilities of the painter, or the incredible exertions of all the performers!

Sneer. That's pretty well, indeed, sir.

Puff. Oh, cool, quite cool, to what I sometimes do. Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influenced by this?

Puff. Oh, lud! yes, sir; the number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed!

Dan. Ha! ha! ha!-'gad, I know it is so.

Puff. As to the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication, it is too extensive, and branches into so many varieties, that it is impossible to be illustrated by an instance; it is the last principal class of the Art of Puffing-an art which I hope you will now agree with me, is of the highest dignity.

Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance and ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir,

there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new tragePuff. Hush, for Heaven's sake.-My tragedy !-Egad, Dangle, I take this very ill; you know how apprehensive I am of being known to be the author.

Dan. 'Ifaith, I would not have told; but it's in the papers, and your name at length-in the Morning Chroni

cle.

Puff. Ah! those damned editors never can keep a secret! Well, Mr. Sneer-no doubt you will do me great honour—I shall be infinitely happy-highly flattered.

Dan. I believe it must be near the time-shall we go together?

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Puff. No; it will not be yet this hour, for they are always late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go. [Looking at memorandums. Here is a Conscientious Baker, on the Subject of the Army Bread,' and 'a Detester of Visible Brick-work, in favour of the new-invented Stucco;' both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow.— Here is an invention for the running our mail-coaches by steam, and lighting them by gas.-I have also a very ingenius design for a self-acting air-pump, to be fixed in the confined streets, which is to supersede the necessity of country excursions for the benefit of the health. Here are likewise many other valuable memorandums, most of which, I have no doubt, but I shall render equally practicable, and of the greatest importance to the nation. So, egad, I have not a moment to lose. [Exeunt.

END OF ACT I.

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