THE ILL EFFECTS OF GOOD FORTUNE. It has been remarked, that those who rise above the individuals who were once upon an equality with them, will have many malevolent gazers at their eminence: and no man ever experienced the truth of this statement in a more eminent degree than myself. I commenced life under peculiar disadvantages-I was an orphan. My parents had long slept the sleep of death; and from the inadequacy of their means, my education had not only been neglected, but what was even more to be dreaded, I was left portionless. In this forlorn condition, I became the protegé of the benevolent rector of the parish, who had had a particular friendship for my late father. He treated me in every respect as the adopted son of his affection, and under his judicious guidance I shortly became a good classical scholar; and had some hopes of being admitted a member of the clerical profession, as soon as I had gone through the usual routine collegiate studies. But the king of terrors again stepped between me and the attainment of my wishes: my benefactor died suddenly. And as his fortune naturally devolved on the nearest of his kindred, I was once more left in a state of destitution. At this period, I was introduced to the brother of the late rector, a rich manufacturer; and with his recommendation I obtained a commercial situation-an avocation ill suited to my aspiring inclinations. My attention, however, was such, that my employer ultimately took me into partnership, and finally gave me the hand of his only child. I thought I had now arrived at the height of felicity; but I was soon convinced of my error; for I could not fail of observing, that I had excited the envy and ill will of those who, in less prosperous hours, were wont to call me friend and companion. My wife, too, who inherited from nature a love of finery and expense, waited only for the expiration of the honey-moon, to disclose her propensities. She reminded me of the handsome fortune she had brought me; and in consequence expected I would launch out into life, in a manner becoming my wealth; and threw out certain hints about a country-house. This was a difficulty not easily surmounted; for though, in gratitude, I was willing to oblige my wife in every particular, yet not so her parents; who, conscious of the influence she possessed over me, apprehended some disastrous occurrence, were their daughter permitted to stray from their paternal roof. The mother, indeed, could ill support the thoughts of being separated from her darling child; and, to gratify her, persuaded my father-in-law to purchase a pretty country villa. Here, in the constant society of these worthy parents, we passed our days agreeably enough. I was as attentive as ever to business; and when the father died, I found myself in possession of a very considerable fortune. As the old gentleman had never kept a carriage, or lived with any degree of splendour, it was generally thought that he had given away the principal part of his property, when he bestowed his daughter in marriage; and that a rising family, somewhat extravagantly inclined, would at last bring his grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. My two sons were now, in the world's sense, fine, spirited young men; the elder of whom I designed for an independent gentleman; the younger, from his own predilection, to enter the military service. The visits of my intrusive neighbours now became very frequent. One thought it a matter of conscience to inform me of the dangers my boys incurred by leading an inactive life; another related that he had just heard my eldest son was at that moment seated knee-deep in cards, in one of the most nefarious gambling-houses in town, and surrounded by sharpers of every description. I had scarcely patience to hear the end of his relation; but, snatching up my hat, away I posted to the house in question, taking the precaution to secure the attendance of some police-officers, in case I should be refused admittance. Scarcely had I gained the outer door, when a well-known voice reiterated my name: I turned, and beheld the son, whom I believed to be immured within the dark recesses of a gamblingroom, actually seated in a stage-coach, returning from a visit to a friend at Richmond. My daughters were now become elegant young women ; and dressed in a very neat, though some would say, stylish manner. This was also a subject of offence to many a well-meaning family. The mammas and daughters would throw out ill-natured observations, that they wondered how they did it; at the same time giving a significant smile, and an equivocal nod; and the fathers would cast a prying eye into the real state of my finances. These repeated annoyances eventually drove me to give up business, and retire to the peaceful seclusion of a little village, in a distant part of the country. Here I-anticipated a little peace; but again committed an error in my calculations. My daughters, having few rivals of any consequence, actually became the proud beings they had before been falsely represented-my wife became more ambitious than ever-and my little mansion was one continued scene of hurry and confusion.-In a little time my younger son Harry, being of a fiery disposition, was wounded in a duel, and his brother Tom broke his neck in fox-hunting. 66 Ah, me! miserable man that I am!" A. S. My dear Sir, LETTER TO TOBIAS MERTON, ESQ. Whether I am acting wisely or not in forwarding you the inclosed epistle, its contents, and the manner of its coming into my hands, must decide; the latter I will at once explain. While seated, sir, yesterday in my chair, (I say my chair-it being, 1st, the only chair in the room; and, 2dly, with the exception of my own invaluable MSS. the only article to which I am entitled to attach a pronoun possessive,)-while thus seated, I say, lost in bright visions of the future, (for the past has left nothing to dwell upon with pleasure, and. still less has the present to boast of,) I was, all at once, startled with the sound of a heavy footstep, approaching my "aerial citadel,” I hung وو for an instant in breathless expectancy, not daring to let down the elevated leg of my chair from its oblique position, lest, in the event of its being that "monster hated by gods and men," -a dun-it should, by its touch, prate of my whereabout. But I was soon released from my anxiety by a gentle tap at the door, as different from the thundering peal of the demon before mentioned, as from the familiarly vocal-alas! too familiar-periodical salute of my landlady. It was, in fact, a hesitatory knock from the hand of Underdone, my baker's journeyman. You know, Mr. Merton, a view of the interior of the temple of the muses, i. e. the study, kitchen, bed, dining, and drawing-room, of a poor devil of an author, like myself, is not an exhibition the best calculated in the world to win respect to our outward man. Ourselves, to be sure, who have a " temple within us, not made with hands," feel not this; or, regard it only as the royal bare-footed actor in Gil Blas. But I saw it had made an unpleasant impression on my visitor, which I endeavoured, in vain, to check with an awful look of the sublime; and I was obliged to sit patiently while he thus delivered himself, treating me, as Oliver Goldsmith would have said, just like a common man. 66 "Well, Mr. Ductile," said he, with (to him) a very unimportant distortion of the name I was born with-Dactyle; well, Mr. Ductile, as we are upon very good terms, (here you must be pleased to set down all such phrases as these to his ignorant familiarity, and not to an acquaintance, which I wholly disavow,) and as I know you to be a bit of an author, (here I must own I was wroth and my countenance fell,) seeing as how these two things are the case, I thought it would not be himpertinent to call upon you to request your patternage for my friend Joe Maten, who has just published a book, exposing the rogueries of the master-bakers-you wont tell my governor, Mr. 66 No, to be sure." Just as he had uttered the word patronage, I dropped my left leg on my right, partly to shew the sense of my own importance, and partly to hide an "envious rent," I had that instant discovered in the dexter limb of my inexpressibles; which, I am grieved to observe, are inexpressibly the worse for wear. 66 I will do what I can for the poor fellow," said I, assuming an air of dignified condescension. "If writing to the Edinburgh, or a word to Gifford, will be of any service to him-I am intimate with the Quarterlies." "O, as to quarterlies," said he, "that'll never do; what thou dost, do quickly, says our parson Drawl. A friend of Joe's, the newspaper-man's man, persuaded him to take no notice of it for a few years, and 'twould be like £10,000 at 5 per cent. for his old age; for then, says Joe, the Ratter-respective (a very respectable name, certainly), would draw it out from its security, and 'twill sell like the Scotch novels, and you will be immortal for ever. But I said, none of your dead men for me; I know a gentleman that earns a handsome livelihood (looked rather shy) by writing for the perihodicules, and I'll get him to say a word for you. He snapp'd at the offer in an instant." No doubt," said I. "And Joe, you see, the newsman," rejoined my interlocutor, seeing the chalks were going against him, ran tally with us, and said there was a very clever thing, that I can't recollect the name of, that had 66 66 an immense sale, (I dare say you know it, sir,) and he should recommend; that it is very much read by the quality, and people as lives high in the world." This was too much; I thought the fellow looked impudently. sarcastic, so I cut him short with, "The Magnet, you mean." “Ah," said he, "that was it. If you could but get Joe's work well sponged there. I know Joe Maton well, he's a spirited fellow, and likes nothing that's mean; and if he could throw a dead man or so in your way, I"here, maddened with fury at his infamous suggestion, and full of the unassailable integrity of Milton, Marvell, &c. I seized the wretched varlet by the nape of the neck, and hurled him, (my eye in a fine phrenzy rolling,) down three flights of stairs; cursing the venality of lowminded worldlings, and wishing them a Tarpean rock for his sake. I went into my arcanum, and he got up as well as he could, and departed, and I never saw him more. By the way, I am inclined to think that this laudable show of spirit has done me no harm with my landlady, for she certainly eyed me as he came 66 rumble-tumble down," with a look I had never seen before, of mingled fear and respect. With her daughter I saw it excited a decided movement in my favour-coming just after my sonnet on her left eye; her right is walled, so I was too delicate to touch upon that. However, to return to my letter: notwithstanding the fellow's insolence, I had the magnanimity to forgive him in my heart; and I have here inclosed the epistle of his expose friend, begging you to believe me, Sir, a votary of the muses, and an admirer of the Magnet, From my garret in Grub-street-another proof that merit is not, as it has been said, alway appreciated where it appears in this age of literature. J. A. G. To the Head-hitter of the Literary Magnet, per favor of Mr. Dactyle. "Sir,-You've heard of me, as gained immortality the other day, (a thing they say as lasts for ever,) by writing a letter to the Lord Mayor, exposing the rascally practices of master-bakers. Well, sir, I only wish I had written it to you; for Joe says, (would you believe it, sir?) and Joe's a keen lad, that where he leaves one of any other paper, he leaves ten of your's. And if they tell me right, that your's is a genuine, healthy, unadulterated batch, unlike the weakly productions of some of your contemporaries, full of stale, heavy, and pernicious ingredients,why then we are brother peels. Mr. H. and I have no doubt but you will shift my dish, if it lays in your power. 66 If f you could speak in my behalf, now, to the new "Bread Company," so as to get me the conducting of it, you'd do yourself credit by the recommendation; and I'd take care, that if you took our bread, your Magnet should read the better for it. "It's what goes into the mouth, makes what comes out of it; and you may rely upon it, both the Literary Magnet and the Bread Company would be the better for it. So, sir, expecting to come out handsomely next batch, I remain, your's, full weight, "Jos. MATON." SOME FEW MATTERS CONCERNING MYSELF. MOST great men, at some time or other in their lives, favour the world with a word or two concerning themselves. Some embody themselves in the heroes of their poems and tales; others develop their characters, in patches, in sketches, and fragments; and others speak boldly out in the unsophisticated strains of auto-biography; the latter method be mine. My father-but who cares any thing about my father-it is sufficient that the world knows I had one who and what he was, is it not written on a tomb-stone, in the south east corner of Ashdown church-yard? Now then to myself. My father-" your father, Sir, why you said you were going to speak of yourself”-don't interrupt me, if you please-my father, as I was about to say, was an exceedingly loyal man, and had as great a hatred against Wilkes and Tom Paine, in the time of their lives, as the present poet laureate has of their memories-he regularly made loyal speeches at the parish dinners, and invariably joined in the chorus of "God save the King." If the reader will enquire what connection these circumstances can have with my own history, I reply to him, the most important. Knickerbocker, with the philosophical sagacity for which that old gentleman was eminently distinguished, thought it necessary to establish the existence of the world before he called upon his readers to believe in the existence of New York; and I, with a similar precision, think it proper to prove that I had a father, before I can call upon the world for such an act of faith as to believe there exists such a being as myself. Well, I was born on the fourth of June, in honour, I suppose, of his late Majesty George the Third; for, as I said before, my father was excessively loyal. The first three or four years of my life passed over me without the occurrence of any thing from which my friends might prognosticate my future waywardness; but at five I began to evince certain decided traits of character. Ambition was the star of my destinies. Even at that young age, I had a desire to be distinguished, and as I grew into boyhood, I became the terror of the neighbourhood. "For I had heard of battles, And I longed to follow to the field I made soldiers of my little companions; provided them with swords, and bows and arrows; divided them into opposing parties; and led them on to victory upon the village green. It may be as well to remark, that the pantry window was my armoury, to the great comfort of two or three epicure cats, which thereby frequently obtained a comfortable meal. I had read Robin Hood, and wished that the little copse at the back of my father's house, had been Sherwood Forest; I had read Robinson Crusoe, and longed to go to sea and be shipwrecked on some uninhabited island. The smell of gunpowder was as love to me, and my father being sergeant-major in the Ashdown Volunteers, I was enabled, frequently, from that circumstance, to procure a few blank cartridges, and |