Enter PATCH. Patch. Oh, Mr Whisper! my lady saw you out of the window, and order'd me to bid you fly and let your master know she's now alone. Whisp. Hush! speak softly! I go, I go! But hark ye, Mrs Patch, shall not you and I have a little confabulation, when my master and your lady are engaged? Patch. Ay, ay; farewell. [Goes in and shuts the door. Re-enter Sir JEALOUS TRAFFICK, meeting WHISPER. Sir Jeal. Sure, whilst I was talking with Mr Tradewell, I heard my door clap. [Seeing WHISPER.] Ha! a man lurking about my house! Who do you want there, sir? Whisp. Want-want? a pox! Sir Jealous! What must I say now? Sir Jeal. Ay, want! Have you a letter or message for any body there?-O' my conscience this is some he-bawd Whisp. Letter or message, sir? Sir Jeal. Ay, letter or message, sir? Sir Jeal. Sirrah, sirrah! I'll have you set in the stocks if you don't tell your business immediately. Whisp. Nay, sir, my business-is no great matter of business neither, and yet 'tis business of consequence too. Sir Jeal. Sirrah, don't trifle with me. Whisp. Why, Trifle is the very lap-dog my lady lost, sir; I fancy'd I saw him run into this house. I'm glad you have him-sir; my lady will be overjoy'd that I have found him. Sir Jeal. Who is your lady, friend? Sir Jeal. My lady Lovepuppy, sir! then pr'ythee carry thyself to her, for I know of no other whelp that belongs to her; and let me catch you no more puppy-hunting about my doors, lest I have you press'd into the service, sirrah. Whisp. By no means, sir-Your humble servant. I must watch whether he goes or no before I can tell my master. [Exit. Sir Jeal. This fellow has the officious leer of a pimp, and I half suspect a design; but I'll be upon them before they think on me, I warrant [Exit. 'em. SCENE III.-CHARLES's Lodgings. Enter CHARLES and MARPLOT. Cha. Honest Marplot! I thank thee for this supply. I expect my lawyer with a thousand pounds I have ordered him to take up, and then you shall be repaid. Mar. Pho, pho! no more of that. Here comes Sir George Airy, Enter Sir George. cursedly out of humour at his disappointment See how he looks! ha, ha, ha! Sir Geo. Ah, Charles! I am so humbled in my pretensions to plots upon women, that I believe I shall never have courage enough to attempt a chamber-maid again—I'll tell thee Cha. Ha, ha! I'll spare you the relation by telling you-Impatient to know your business with my father, when I saw you enter, I slipt back into the next room, where I overheard every syllable. Mar. Did you, Charles? I wish I had been with you. -but I'll be hang'd if But pr'ythee tell me, Sir Geo. That I saidyou heard her answerCharles, is she a fool? Cha. I never suspected her for one; but Marplot can inform you better, if you allow him a judge. Mar. A fool! I'll justify she has more wit than all the rest of her sex put together. Why, she'll rally me till I ha'n't a word to say for myself. Cha. A mighty proof of her wit, truly Mar. There must be some trick in't, Sir George: 'egad, I'll find it out, if it cost me the sum you paid for't. Sir Geo. Do, and command me Mar. Enough: let me alone to trace a se cret Enter WHISPER, and speaks aside to his Master. The devil! he here again? damn that fellow, he never speaks out. Is this the same or a new secret?--You may speak out, here are none but friends. Cha. Pardon me, Marplot, 'tis a secret. Mar. A secret! ay, or, ecod, I would not give a farthing for it. Sir George, won't you ask Charles what news Whisper brings? Sir Geo. Not I, sir; I suppose it does not relate to me. Mar. Lord, Lord! how little curiosity some people have! Now my chief pleasure is in knowing every body's business. Sir Geo. I fancy, Charles, thou hast some engagement upon thy hands? Mar. Have you, Charles? Sir Geo. I have a little business too. Sir Geo. Marplot, if it falls in your way to bring me any intelligence from Miranda, you'll find me at the Thatch'd House at six Mar. You do me much honour. Cha. You guess right, Sir George; wish me Mar. There he goes! Who the devil lives here? except I can find out that, I am as far from knowing his business as ever. Gad, I'll watch; it may be a bawdy-house, and he may have his throat cut. If there should be any mischief, I can make oath he went in. Well, Charles, in spite of your endeavours to keep me out of the secret, I may save your life, for aught I know. At that corner I'll plant myself; there I shall see whoever goes in or comes out. Gad, 1 love dis[Exit. coveries. SCENE II-Draws, and discovers CHARLES, ISABINDA, and PATCH. would make the frolic pleasing for a little time, by saying and doing a world of tender things; but when our small substance is exhausted, and a thousand requisites for life are wanting, Love, who rarely dwells with Poverty, would also fail us. Cha. Faith, I fancy not; methinks my heart has laid up a stock will last for life, to back which, I have taken a thousand pounds upon my uncle's estate: that, surely, will support us till one of our fathers relent. Isab. There's no trusting to that, my friend; I doubt your father will carry his humour to the grave, and mine till he sees me settled in Spain. Cha. And can you then cruelly resolve to stay till that cursed Don arrives, and suffer that youth, beauty, fire, and wit, to be sacrificed to the arms of a dull Spaniard, to be immured, and forbid the sight of any thing that's human? Isab. No; when it comes to that extremity, and no stratagem can relieve us, thou shalt list for a soldier, and I'll carry thy knapsack after thee. Cha. Bravely resolved! the world cannot be more savage than our parents, and fortune generally assists the bold, therefore consent now: why should she put it to a future hazard? Who knows when we shall have another opportunity? Isub. Oh, you have your ladder of ropes, I suppose, and the closet window stands just where it did; and, if you ha'n't forgot to write in characters, Patch will find a way for our assignations. Thus much of the Spanish contrivance my father's severity has taught me, I thank him: though I hate the nation, I admire their management in Isab.. Patch, look out sharp: have a care of these affairs. Enter PATCH. Patch. Oh, madam! I see my master coming up the street. Cha. Oh, the devil! would I had my ladder now! I thought you had not expected him till night. Why, why, why, why, what shall I do, madam? Isab. Oh! for Heaven's sake don't go that way; you'll meet him full in the teeth. Oh, unlucky moment! Cha. Adsheart! can you shut me into no cupboard, nor ram me into a chest, ha? Patch. Impossible, sir, he searches every hole in the house. never see you more. Patch. I have thought on it: run you to your chamber, madam; and, sir, come you along with me; I'm certain you may easily get down from the balcony. atoms. Isab. Undone for ever! if he sees you, I shall | hold of him.] 'Sdeath! I could crush thee into [Exit CHARLES. Mar. What will you choke me for my kindness? Will my inquiring soul never leave searching into other people's affairs till it gets squeezed out of my body! I dare not follow him now for my blood, he's in such a passion.-I'll to Miranda; if I can discover aught that may oblige Sir George, it may be a means to reconcile me again to Charles. Cha. My life! adieu-Lead on, guide. SCENE III.-Changes to the Street. Enter Sir JEALOUS, with MARPLOT behind him. Sir Jeal. I don't know what's the matter, but I have a strong suspicion all is not right within; that fellow's sauntering about my door, and his tale of a puppy, had the face of a lie, methought. By St Iago, if I should find a man in the house, I'd make mince meat of him— Mur. Mince meat! Ah, poor Charles, how I sweat for thee! 'Egad, he's old-I fancy I might bully him, and make Charles have an opinion of my courage. 'Egad, I'll pluck up, and have a touch with him. Sir Jeal. My own key shall let me in; I'll give them no warning. [Feeling for his key. Mar. What's that you say, sir? [Going up to Sir JEAL. Sir Jeal. What's that to you, sir? [Turns quick upon him. Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, sir, for the gentleman threaten is a very honest gentleman. Look you to't, for if he comes not as safe out of your house as he went in Sir Jeal. What, is he in then? Mar. Yes, sir, he is in then; and I say if he does not come out, I have half-a-dozen myrmidons hard by shall beat your house about your ears. Sir Jeal. Ah! a combination to undo meI'll myrmidon you, ye dog you-Thieves! thieves! [Beats MARPLOT all the while he cries thieves. Mar. Murder, murder! I was not in your house, sir. Enter Servant. Serv. What's the matter, sir? Sir Jeal. The matter, rascal! you have let a man into my house, but I'll flay him alive. Follow me; I'll not leave a mouse-hole unsearched. If I find him, by St Iago, I'll equip him for the opera. [Exeunt Sir JEAL, and Serv. Mar. A deuce of his cane! there's no trusting to age!-What shall I do to relieve Charles? 'egad, I'll raise the neighbourhood.- Murder! murder!-[CHARLES drops down upon him from the balcony.] Charles, faith, I'm glad to see thee safe out with all my heart! Cha. A pox of your bawling! how the devil came you here? Mar. 'Egad, it's very well for you that I was here; I have done you a piece of service: I told the old thunderbolt that the gentleman that was gone in was Cha. Was it you that told him, sir? [Laying Sir Jeal. [Within.] Look about! search! find him out! Mar. Oh, the devil! there's old Crabstick [Exit. again. Enter Sir JEALOUS and his Servants. Sir Jeal. Are you sure you have searched every where? Serv. Yes, from the top of the house to the bottom. sir. Sir Jeal. Under the beds and over the beds? Serv. Yes, and in them too, but found nobody, Sir Jeal. Why, what could this rogue mean? out. Enter ISABINDA and PATCH. Patch. Take courage, madam, I saw him safe [Aside to ISAB. Isub. Bless me! what's the matter, sir? Sir Jeal. You know best-Pray where's the man that was here just now? Isab. What man, sir? I saw none. Patch. Nor I, by the trust you repose in me. Do you think I would let a man come within these doors when you are absent? Sir Jeal. Ah, Patch! she may be too cunning for thy honesty: the very scout that he had set to give warning discovered it to me--and threateped me with half-a-dozen myrmidons—but I think I mauled the villain. These afilictions you draw upon me, mistress! Isab. Pardon me, sir, 'tis your own ridiculous humour draws you into these vexations, and gives every fool pretence to banter you. Sir Jeal. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your coquettish flirting in the balcony-Oh! with what joy shall I resign thee into the arms of Don Diego Babinetto! Isab. And with what industry shall I avoid him ! [Aside. Sir Jeal. Certainly that rogue had a message from somebody or other, but, being baulked by my coming, popped that sham upon me. Come along, ye sots, let's see if we can find the dog again. Patch, lock her up, d'ye hear? Patch. Yes, sir-Ay, walk till your heels ache, you'll find nobody, I promise you. of? [Exit. Isab. Who could that scout be which he talks Patch. Nay, I cann't imagine, without it was Whisper. Isab. Well, dear Patch! let's employ all our thoughts how to escape this horrid Don Diego; my very heart sinks at his terrible name. Patch. Fear not, madam; Don Carlo shall be the man, or I'll lose the reputation of contriving, [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-Sir FRANCIS GRIPE'S House. Enter Sir FRANCIS and MIRANDA meeting. Mir. Well, Gardy, how did I perform the dumb scene? Mir. You must know, Gardy, that I am so eager to have this business concluded, that I have employed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer in the Temple, to settle matters just to your liking; you are to give your consent to my marriage, which is to yourself you know: but, mum, you must take no notice of that. So then I will, that is, with your leave, put my writings into his hands; then to-morrow we come slap upon them with a wedding that nobody thought on, by which you seize me and my estate, and suppose make a bonfire of your own act and deed. Sir Fran. To admiration-Thou dear little rogue! let me buss thee for it: nay, adad, I will, Chargy, so muzzle, and tuzzle, and hug thee; II will, i'faith, I will. [Hugging and kissing her. Mir. Nay, Gardy, don't be so lavish. Who would ride post when the journey lasts for life? Sir Fran. Ah wag, ah wag! I'll buss thee again for that. Oh, I'm transported! When, when, my dear! wilt thou convince the world of the happy day? when shall we marry, ha? Mir. There's nothing wanting but your consent, Sir Francis. Sir Fran. My consent! what does my charmer mean? Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim; but I'll have every thing according to form-therefore when you sign an authentic paper, drawn up by an able lawyer, that I have your leave to marry, the next day makes me yours, Gardy. Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! a whim indeed! why is it not demonstration I give my leave when I marry thee? Mir. Not for your reputation, Gardy; the malicious world will be apt to say you trick me into marriage, and so take the merit from my choice: now I will have the act my own, to let the idle fops see how much I prefer a man loaded with years and wisdom. Sir Fran. Humph! Pr'ythee leave out years, Chargy; I'm not so old, as thou shalt find. Adad, I'm young: there's a caper for ye! [Jumps. Mir. Oh, never excuse it; why, I like you the better for being old-but I shall suspect you don't love me if you refuse me this formality. Sir Fran. Not love thee, Chargy! Adad, I do love thee better than, than, than, better thanwhat shall I say?'egad, better than money; i'faith, I do Mer. That's false I'm sure. [Aside.] To prove it, do this then. Sir Fran. Well, I will do it, Chargy, provided I bring a licence at the same time. Mir. Ay, and a parson too if you please.Ha, ha, ha! I cann't help laughing to think how all the young coxcombs about town will be mortified when they hear of our marriage. Sir Fran. So they will, so they will; ha, ha, ha! Mir. Well, I fancy I shall be so happy with my Gardy if Sir Fran. Nay, but, Chargy, Mir. Nay, Gardy, no ifs.- -Have I refused three northern lords, two British peers, and half a score knights, to have you put in your ifs? Sir Fran. So thou hast indeed, and I will trust to thy management. 'Od, I'm all of a fire. Mir. 'Tis a wonder the dry stubble does not blaze. Enter MARPLOT. Sir Fran. How now, who sent for you, sir? Mar. Ay, what's that? Sir Fran. Manners! What, had I no servants without? Mar. None that could do my business, guardian, which is at present with this lady. Mir. With me, Mr Marplot! what is it, I beseech you? Sir Fran. Ay, sir, what is it? any thing that relates to her may be delivered to me. Mar. I deny that. Mir. That's more than I do, sir. Mar. Indeed, madam! Why then to proceed: Fame says, you know best whether she lies or not, that you and my most conscionable guardian here, designed, contrived, plotted, and agreed, to chouse a very civil, honest, honourable gentleman out of a hundred pounds: Guilty or not? Mir. That I contrived it! Mar. Ay, you-you said never a word against it, so far you are guilty. Sir Fran. Pray, tell that civil, honest, honourable gentleman, that if he has any more such sums to fool away, they shall be received like the last; ha, ha, ha! Choused, quoth-a! But hark ye, let him know at the same time, that if he dare to report I tricked him of it, I shall recommend a lawyer to him shall shew him a trick for twice as much. D'ye hear? tell him that. Mar. So, and this is the way you use a gentleman, and my friend! Mir. Is the wretch thy friend? Mar. The wretch! look ye, madam, don't call names, 'egad, I won't take it. Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you? Ha, ha, ha! Mar. I don't know whether I will or no. Sir Fran. Sir, I shall make a servant shew you out at the window if you are saucy. Mar. I am your most humble servant, guardian; I design to go out the same way I came in. I would only ask this lady one question:-Don't you think he's a fine gentleman? Sir Fran. Who's a fine gentleman? Mar. Not you, Gardy, not you!-Don't you think in your soul that Sir George Airy is a very fine gentleman? Mir. He dresses well. Sir Fran. Which is chiefly owing to his tailor and valet-de-chambre. Mar. Well, and who is your dress owing to, ha? There's a beau, ma'am-do but look at him! Sir Fran. Sirrah! Mir. And if being a beau be a proof of his being a fine gentleman, he may be so. Mar. He may be so! Why, ma'am, the judicious part of the world allow him wit, courage, gallantry, ay, and economy too, though I think he forfeited that character when he flung away a hundred pounds upon your dumb ladyship. Sir Fran. Does that gall him? Ha, ha, ha! Mr. So Sir George, remaining in deep dis content, has sent you, his trusty squire, to utter his complaint. Ha, ha, ha! Mur. Yes, madam; and you, like a cruel hardhearted Jew, value it no more-than I would your ladyship, were I Sir George; you, you, you Mir. Oh, don't call names: I know you love to be employed, and I'll oblige you, and you shall carry him a message from me. Mar. According as I like it. What is it? Mir. Nay, a kind one you may be sure-First, tell him I have chose this gentleman to have and to hold, and so forth. [Clapping her hand into Sir FRANCIS's. Mur. Much good may do you! Sir Fran. Oh, the dear rogue! how I dote on her! [Aside. Mir. And advise his impertinence to trouble me no more, for I prefer Sir Francis for a husband before all the fops in the universe. Mar. Oh Lord, oh Lord! she's bewitch'd, that's certain. Here's a husband for eighteenhere's a tit bit for a young lady-here's a shape, an air, and a grace-here's bones rattling in a leathern bag-[Turning Sir FRANCIS about here's buckram and canvas to scrub you to repentance. Sir Fran. Sirrah, my cane shall teach you repentance presently. Mar. No, faith, I have felt its twin brother from just such a wither'd hand too lately. Mir. One thing more :-advise him to keep from the garden-gate on the left hand, for if he dare to saunter there, about the hour of eight, as he us'd to do, he shall be saluted with a pistol, or a blunderbuss. Sir Fran. Oh, monstrous! Why, Chargy, did he use to come to the garden-gate? Mir. The gard'ner described just such another man that always watch'd his coming out, and fain would have bribed him for his entranceTell him he shall find a warm reception if he comes this night. Mur. Pistols and blunderbusses! 'Egad, a warm reception indeed! I shall take care to inform him of your kindness, and advise him to keep farther off. Mir. I hope he will understand my meaning better than to follow your advice. [Aside. Sir Fran. Thou hast signed, seal'd, and ta'en possession of my heart for ever, Chargy, ha, ha, ha! and for you, Mr Saucebox, let me have no more of your messages, if ever you design to inherit your estate, gentleman. Mar. Why, there 'tis now. Sure I shall be out of your clutches one day-Well, guardian, I say no more: but if you be not as arrant a cuckold as e'er drove bargain upon the Exchange, or paid attendance to a court, I am the son of a whetstone; and so your humble servant. Mir. Mr Marplot, don't forget the message! ha, ha, ha, ha! Mar. Nang, nang, nang! [Exit. Sir Fran. I am so provok'd-'tis well he's gone. |