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Whether Hamilton's Bawn" should be turned inte a Barrack or a Malthouse f

written in the Year 1729.

Thus spoke to my Lady the Knightt, full of care;
• Let me have your advice in a weighty affair.
This Hamilton's Bawnt, whilst itsticks on my hand,
I lose by the house what I get by the land;
But how to dispose of it to the best bidder,
For a Barrack|| or Malthouse, we now must consider.
* First, let me suppose I make it a Malthouse,
Here I have computed the profit will fall tus;
There's nine hundred pounds for labour and grain,
I increase it to twelve, so three hundred remain;
A handsome addition for wine and good cheer,
Three dishes a-day, and three hogsheads a-year.
With a dozen large vessels my vault shall be stor'd,
No little scrub joint shall come on my board;
And you and the Dean no more shall combine
To stint me at night to one bottle of wine;
Nor shall I, for his humour, permit you to purloin
A stone and a quarter of beef from my sirloin.
If I make it a Barrack, the crown is my tenant;
My Dear! I have ponder'd again and again on't;
In poundage and drawbacks I lose half my rent;
Whatever they give me I must he content,
Or join with the court in every debate,
And rather than that I would lose my estate.”
Thus ended the Knight; thus began his meek wife;
* It must and it shall be a Barrack, my life!

* A bawn was a place near the house inclosed with mud

or stone walls to keep the cattle from being stolen in the

night. They are now little used.
t Sir Arthur Acheson, at whose seat it was written.

#.A large old house, two miles from Sir Arthur Acheson's


| The army in Ireland is lodged in strong buildings over the whole kingdom, called Barracks,

I’m grown a mere mopus; no company comes
But a rabble of tenants and rusty dull rums”.
With parsons what lady, can keep herself clean?
I'm all over-daub'd when I sit by the Dean.
But if you will give us a Barrack, my dear !
The Captain, I'm sure, will always come here:
I then shall not value his Deanship a straw,
For the Captain, I warrant, will keep him in awe;
Or should he pretend to be brisk and alert,
Will tell him that chaplains should not be so pert;
That men of his coatshould be minding their pray'rs,
And not among ladies to give themselves airs.”
Thus argued my Lady, but argued in vain;
The Knight his opinion resolv’d to maintain.
But Hannaht, who listen'd to all that was past,
And could not endure so vulgar a taste,
As soon as her Ladyship call'd to be dress'd,
Cried, “Madam, why, surely my master's possess'd:
Sir Arthur the Malster! how fine it will sound 1
I’d rather the Bawn were sunk under ground.
But, Madam, I guess'd there would never come good,
When I saw him so often with Darby and Woodt.
And now my dream's out; for I was a-dream'd
That I saw a huge rat: O dear! how I scream'd 1
And after, methought, I had lost my uew shoes;
And Molly she said I should hear some ill news."
“Dear Madam' had you but the spirit to tease,
You might have a Barrack whenever you please:
And, Madam, I always believ'd you so stout,
That for twenty denials you would not give out.
If I had a husband like him, I purtest,
Till he gave me my will I would give him no rest;
And rather than come in the same pair of sheets
With such a cross man, I would lie in the streets.
But, Madam, I beg you contrive and invent,
And worry him out till he gives his consent.
* A cant word in Ireland for a poor country clergyman.
+ My Lady's waiting woman.
1 Two of Sir Arthur's managers.


* Dear Madam! whene'er of a Barrack I think, An I were to be hang'd I can't sleep a wink; For if a new crotchet comes into my brain, I can't get it out, though I'd never so fain. I fancy already a Barrack contriv'd At Hamilton's Bawn, and the troop is arriv'd; Of this, to be sure, Sir Arthur has warning, And waits on the Captain betimes the next morning. * Now see when they meet how their honours - behave: Noble Captain!yourservant—Sir Arthur! yourslave, You honour me much—The honour is mine"Twas a sad rainy night—but the morning is fine— Pray how does my Lady--My wife's at your service— I think I have seen her picture by Jarvis— Good morrow, good Captain!--I'll wait on you down—You sha'n't stir a foot-You'll think me a clownFor all the world, Captain, not half an inch fartherYou must be obey’d—Your servant, Sir Arthur; My humble respects to my Lady unknown— I hope you will use my house as your own.” “Go bring me my smock, and leave off your prate; Thou hast certainly gotten a cup in thy pate.” ‘Pray, Madam, be quiet; what was it I said 2– You had like to have put it quite out of my head. “Next day, to be sure, the Captain will come At the head of his troop, with trumpet and drum, Now, Madam, observe how he marches in state; The man with the kettledrum enters the gate: Dub, dub, adub, dub. The trumpeters follow; Tantara, tantara; while all the boys halloo. See now comes the Captain, all daub'd with gold lace: O law? the sweet gentleman! look in his face; And see how he rides like a lord of the land, With the fine flamingsword that he holds in his hand; And his horse, the dear creter it prances and rears, With ribands in knots at its tail and its ears.

At last comes the troop, by the word of command
Drawn up in our court; when the Captain cries,
Stand. - - -
TYour Ladyship lifts up the sash to be seen, *
(For sure I had dizen'd you out like a queen)
The Captain, to show he is proud of the favour,
Looks up to your window, and cocks up his beaver;
(His beaver is cock'd; pray, Madam, mark that,
For a captain of horse never takes off his hat,
Because he has never a hand that is idle,
For the right holds the sword, and the left holds s
the bridle)
Then flourishes thrice his sword in the air,
As a compliment due to a lady so fair:
(How I tremble to think of the blood it hath spilt!)
Then he lowers down the point, and kisses the hilt.
Your Ladyship smiles, and thus you begin; ,
Pray, Captain, be pleas'd to alight and walk in.
The Captain salutes you with congee profound,
And your Ladyship curtsies half-way to the ground.
“Kit, run to your master, and bid him come to us;
I'm sure he'll be proud of the honour you do us:
And, Captain, you'll do us the favour to stay,
And take a short dinner here with us to-day :
You're heartily welcome ; but as for good cheer,
You come in the very worst time of the year:
If I had expected so worthy a guest—
Lord! Madam your Ladyship sure is in jest;
You banter me, Madam: the kingdom must grant-
You officers, captains, are so complaisant.”
“Hist, Hussy " I think I hear somebody coming—”
* No, Madam; 'tis only Sir Arthur a-humming:
To shorten my tale, (for I hate a long story) r
The Captain at dinner appears in his glory;
The Dean and the Doctor* have humbled their pride,
Tor the Captain's entreated to sit by your side;
And, because he's their betters, you carve for him
first ; *
The parsons for envy are ready to burst:
* Doctor Jenny, a clergyman in the neighbourhood.

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The servants, amaz'd, are scarce ever able s
To keep off their eyes as they wait at the table;
And Molly and I have thrust in our nose
To peep at the Captain in all his fine clo'es.
Dear Madam! be sure he's a fine spoken man;
Do but hear on the clergy how glib his tongue ran:
And, Madam, (says he,) if such dinners you give,
You'll never want parsons as long as you live;
I ne'er knew a parson without a good nose,
But the devil's as welcome wherever he goes.
G-d-me, they bid us reform and repent,
But, z—s, by their looks they never keep Lent.
Mister Curate, for all your grave looks, I'm afraid
You cast a sheep's eye on her Ladyship's maid;
I wish she would lend you her pretty white hand
In mending your cassoc and smoothing your band:
(For the Dean was so shabby, and look'd like a ninny,
That the Captain suppos'd he was curate to Jenny)
Whenever you see a cassoc and gown,
A hundred to one but it covers a clown.
observe how a parson comes into a room,
G– d-me, he hobbles as bad as my groom.
A scholard, when just from his college broke loose,
Can hardly tell how to cry Bo to a goose.
Your Noveds, and Blutarks, and Omurs”, and stuff,
By G– they don't signify this pinch of snuff.
To give a young gentleman right education,
The army's the only good school in the nation,
My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool,
But at cuffs I was always the cock of the school.
I never could take to my book for the blood ome,
And the puppy confess'd he expected no good o'me.
He caught me one morning coquetting his wife,
But he maul’d me, I ne'er was so maul’d in my life;
So I took to the road, and, what's very odd,
The first man I robb'd was a parson, by G-.
Now, Madam, you'll think it a strange thing to say,
But the sight of a book makes me sick to this day.

* Ovids, Plutarchs, Homers, see Essay on Modern edu"cation, -

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