Acres. Do-and see if there are any letters for me at the Post-office. David. I will.-By the mass, I can't help looking at your head!-if I hadn't been at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit. Acres comes forward, practising a dancing step. Acres. Sink, slide-coupee-Confound the first inventors of cotillions, say I !-they are as bad as algebra, to us country gentlemen-I can walk a minuet easy enough, when I am forced!-and I have been accounted a good stick in a country dance.-Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over two couplefigure in right and left-and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the country!-but these out landish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me! I shall never prosper at them, that's sure-mine are true-born English legs-they don't understand their cursed French lingo!-their pàs this, and pàs that, and pàs t'other! Enter DAVID. sir. David. Here is sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, Acres. Show him in. [Exit Duvid. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. Sir L. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you. Acres. My dear sir Lucius, I kiss your hands. Sir L. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath? Acres. 'Faith, I have followed Cupid's jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last!-In short, I have been very ill-used, sir Lucius. I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as a very ill-used gentleman. Sir L. Pray, what is the case?—I ask no names. Acres. Mark me, sir Lucius; I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady-her friends take my partI follow her to Bath-send word of my arrival ; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. This, sir Lucius, I call being ill-used. Sir L. Very ill, upon my conscience!-Pray, can you divine the cause of it? Acres. Why, there's the matter: she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath. -Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it. Sir L. A rival in the case, is there?—and you think he has supplanted you unfairly? Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly. Sir L. Then sure you know what is to be done! Acres. Not I, upon my soul! Sir L. We wear no swords here, but you understand me? Acres. What! fight him! Sir L. Ay, to be sure what can I mean else? Acres. But he has given me no provocation. Sir L. Now I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the word. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another, than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul, it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship. Acres. Breach of friendship! Ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life. Sir L. That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty. Acres. 'Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, sir Lucius! I fire apace; odds hilts and blades! find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right on my side? Sir L. What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it. Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching!-I certainly do feel a kind of valour arising, as it were-a kind of courage, as I may say-odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly. Sir L. Ah, my little friend! if I had Blunderbuss Hall here I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the New Room, every one of whom had killed his man!-For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven, our honour and the family pictures are as fresh as ever. Acres. Oh, sir Lucius, I have had ancestors too! every man of them colonel or captain in the militia!odds balls and barrels! say no more-I'm braced for it. The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast!-Z-ds! as the man in the play says, 'I could do such deeds'— in Sir L. Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case these things should always be done civilly. Acres. I must be in a passion, sir Lucius-I must be a rage-Dear sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me.-Come, here's pen and paper. [Sits down to write] I would the ink were red!-Indite, I say, Indite!-How shall I begin? Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however. Sir L. Pray, compose yourself. Acres. Come now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, sir Lucius, let me begin with a damme! Sir L. Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a Christian. Begin now-Sir Acres. That's too civil by half. Sir L. To prevent the confusion that might arise Sir L. From our both addressing the same lady→ Acres. Well, then, honour of your company Sir L. Let me see-ay, King's Mead-fields will do -in King's Mead-fields. Acres. So, that's done.-Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest-a hand and dagger, shall be the seal. Sir L. You see, now, this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you. Acres. Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding. Sir L. Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time. Take my advice, and you'll decide it this eveing if you can; then, let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. Acres. Very true. Sir L. So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.-I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here who put a jest on me lately at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman to call him out. Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life, I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson! Sir L. I shall be very proud of instructing you. Well, for the present- but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner.-Let your courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword. [Exeunt severally. E David. Then, by the mass, sir, I would do no such thing!-ne'er a sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight when I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say when she hears o't? Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. David. Ay, by the mass! and I would be very careful of it, and I think in return my honour couldn't do less than to be very careful of me. Acres. Odds blades! David, no gentleman will ever risk the loss of his honour! David. I say, then, it would be but civil in honour never to risk the loss of a gentleman.-Look ye, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend; ay, truly, a very courtier-like servant.-Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me); well-my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my acquaintance.-So-we fight. (Pleasant enough that) Bob!-I kill him-(the more's my luck). Now, pray, who gets the profit of it?-why, my honour.-But put the case that he kills me! by the mass! I go to the worms, and my honour |