Miss Hardcastle. I never knew half his merit from the tree. I was never so happy before. My ill now. He shall not go, if I have power or art to boy takes after his father, poor Mr. Lumpkin, exdetain him. I'll still preserve the character in actly. The jewels, my dear Con, shall be yours which I stooped to conquer, but will undeceive my incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a papa, who, perhaps, may laugh him out of his resolution. [Exit. Enter TONY, MISS NEVILLE. Tony. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she believes it was all a mistake of the servants. Miss Neville. But my dear cousin, sure you won't forsake us in this distress? If she in the least suspects that I am going off, I shall certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's which is ten times worse. Tony. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are damned bad things. But what can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like Whistlejacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two more, for fear she should suspect us. [They retire, and seem to fondle. Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. sweet boy, my dear? You shall be married tomorrow, and we'll put off the rest of his education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter opportunity. Enter DIGGORY. Diggory. Where's the 'Squire? I have got a letter for your worship. Tony. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first. Diggory. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands. Tony. Who does it come from? Diggory. Your worship mun ask that o' the letter itself. Tony. I could wish to know though. [Turning the letter and gazing on it. Miss Neville [aside]. Undone! undone! A letter to him from Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. [To Mrs. Hardcastle.] But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed—You must know, madam-This way a little, for he must not hear us. Mrs. Hardcastle. Well, I was greatly fluttered to be sure. But my son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy, however, [They confer. till they are fairly married, and then let her keep Tony [still gazing]. A damned cramp piece of her own fortune. But what do I see? fondling penmanship, as ever I saw in my life. I can read together as I'm alive. I never saw Tony so spright- your print hand very well. But here there are ly before. Ah! have I caught you my pretty such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one doves? What! billing, exchanging stolen glances can scarce tell the head from the tail. "To Anand broken murmurs? Ah! thony Lumpkin, esquire." It's very odd, I can Tony. As for murmurs, mother, we grumble read the outside of my letters, where my own name a little now and then to be sure. But there's no is, well enough. But when I come to open it, it's love lost between us. all-buzz. That's hard, very hard; for the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. Mrs. Hardcastle. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make it burn brighter. Miss Neville. Cousin Tony promises to give us Mrs. Hardcastle. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very more of his company at home. Indeed, he shan't well. And so my son was too hard for the phileave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin To-losopher. ny, will it ? Tony. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you so becoming. Miss Neville. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural humour, that pleasant, broad, red, thoughtless,-[patting his cheek] ah! it's a Dold face. Mrs. Hardcastle. Pretty innocence! Tony. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con's hazel eyes, and her pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the haspicolls, like parcel of hobbins. Mrs. Hardcastle. Ay, he would charm the bird Miss Neville. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled him again. Mrs. Hardcastle. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. Tony [still gazing]. A damned up and down hand, as if it was disguised in liquor. [Reading.] Dear sir,-Ay, that's that. Then there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or an R, confound me, I can not tell. I Mrs. Hardcastle. What's that, my dear? Can give you any assistance? a Miss Neville. Pray, aunt, let me read it. No body reads a cramp hand better than I. [Twiten -here, here, it's all about cocks and fighting; it's you. Rendered contemptible, driven into ill-man of no consequence, here, put it up, put it up. [Giving Mrs. Hardcastle the letter. Mrs. Hardcastle. How's this! [Reads.] "Dear 'Squire, I'm now waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair at the bottom of the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is necessary, as the hag (ay, the hag) your mother will otherwise suspect us. Yours, Hastings." Grant me patience: I shall run distracted! My rage chokes me. Miss Neville. I hope, madam, you'll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, that belongs to another. ners, despised, insulted, laughed at. Tony. Here's another. We shall have old Bed. lam broke loose presently. Miss Neville. And there, sir, is the gentleman. to whom we all owe every obligation. Marlow. What can I say to him? a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance and age are a protection. Hastings. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction. Miss Neville. Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with all our embarrassments. Hastings. An insensible cub. Marlow. Replete with tricks and mischief. Tony. Baw! dam'me, but I'll fight you both, one after the other—with baskets. Marlow. As for him, he's below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation: you knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive me. Miss Neville. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake, till it was too late to undeceive you. Hastings. Tortured as I am with my own disMrs. Hardcastle [courtesying very low]. Fine appointments, is this a time for explanations? It spoken madam, you are most miraculously polite is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy Marlow. But, sirand circumspection, madam. [Changing her tone.] And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for you, ma- Servant. My mistress desires you'll get ready dam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses immediately, madam. The horses are putting to. ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, Your hat and things are in the next room. We are to go thirty miles before morning. if you please, instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll warrant me. You too, sir, may mount Enter SERVANT. [Exit Servant. Miss Neville. Well, well; I'll come presently. Marlow [to Hastings]. Was it well done, sir, out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. vour horse, and guard us upon the way. Here, to assist in rendering me ridiculous? To hang me Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish you better than you do yourselves. [Exit. Miss Neville. So now I'm completely ruined. Tony. Ay, that's a sure thing. Miss Neville. What better could be expected from being connected with such a stupid fool,—and after all the nods and signs I made him? Hastings. Was it well done, sir, if you're upon chat subject, to deliver what I intrusted to yourself, to the care of another, sir? Miss Neville. Mr. Hastings. Mr. Marlow. Why will you increase my distress by this ground Tony. By the laws, miss, it was your own less dispute? I implore, I entreat you cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe. Enter SERVANT. Servant. Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. {Exit Servant. Miss Neville. I come Pray be pacified. If I :save you thus, I shall die with apprehension. Enter SERVANT. Servant. Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. Miss Neville. O, Mr. Marlow, if you knew what a scene of constraint and ill-nature lies before me, I am sure it would convert your resentment into pity. Marlow. I'm so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don't know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE. Hardcastle. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth his sublime commands! Sir Charles. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your advances. Hardcastle. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common innkeeper, too. Sir Charles. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper; ha! ha! ha! Hardcastle. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of any thing but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal friendships hereditary, and though my daughter's Hastings. The torture of my situation is my fortune is but smallonly excuse. Sir Charles. Why, Dick, will you talk of forMiss Neville. Well, my dear Hastings, if you tune to me? My son is possessed of more than a have that esteem for me that I think, that I am competence already, and can want nothing but a sure you have, your constancy for three years will good and virtuous girl to share his happiness, and but increase the happiness of our future connexion. increase it. If they like each other, as you say lfthey do Mrs. Hardcastle [within]. Miss Neville. Constance, why Constance, I say. Miss Neville. I'm coming. Well, constancy, remember, constancy is the word. [Exit. Hastings. My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, and such happiness! Marlow [to Tony]. You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and even distress. Hardcastle. If, man! I tell you they do like each other. My daughter as good as told me so. Sir Charles. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. Hardcastle. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and here he comes to put you out of your ifs, I warrant him. Enter MARLOW. Marlow. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon Tony [from a reverie]. Ecod, I have hit it: for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on it's here. Your hands. Yours and yours, my my insolence without confusion. poor Sulky. My boots there, ho!-Meet me two Hardcastle. Tut, boy, a trifle. You take it too hours hence at the bottom of the garden; and if gravely. An hour or two's laughing with my you don't find Tony Lumpkin a more good-na-daughter will set all to rights again. She'll never tured fellow than you thought for, I'll give you like you the worse for it. leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come along. My boots, ho! ACT V. [Exeunt. Enter HASTINGS and SERVANT. Marlow. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation. Hardcastle. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take me? Marlow. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. Hardcastle. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what as well as you that are youngI know what has passed between you: but er. Hastings. You saw the old lady and Miss Ne- mum. ville drive off, you say? Servant. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post-coach, and the young 'Squire went on horseback. They're thirty miles off by this time. Hastings. Then all my hopes are over. Hastings. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time. Marlow, Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don't think sir, that my impudence has been passed on all the rest of the family? Hardcastle. Impudence! No, I don't say thatnot quite impudence-though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. Marlow. I never gave her the slightest cause. Hardcastle. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough. But this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father and I will like you the better for it. Marlow. May I die, sir, if I ever Miss Hardcastle. As most professed admirers do: said some civil things of my face; talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine; Hardcastle. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, as I'm sure you like her Marlow. Dear sir-I protest, sir- Hardcastle. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every moment's delay will be doing mischief, so and ended with pretended rapture. Sir Charles. Now I'm perfectly convinced indeed. I know his conversation among women to be modest and submissive: this forward canting ranting manner by no means describe him; and I am confident, he never sat for the picture. Miss Hardcastle. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my sincerity? if you Marlow. But why won't you hear me? By all and my papa, in about half an hour, will place that's just and true, I never gave Miss Hardcastle yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the declare his passion to me in person. most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. Hardcastle [aside]. This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond bearing. Sir Charles. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my happiness in him must have an end. [Exit. Miss Hardcastle. And if you don't find him what I describe-I fear my happiness must never [Exeunt. Sir Charles. And you never grasped her hand, have a beginning. or made any protestations? Marlow. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your commands; I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications. SCENE CHANGES TO THE BACK OF THE GARDEN. Enter HASTINGS. Hastings. What an idiot am I, to wait here [Exit. for a fellow who probably takes a delight in mortiSir Charles. I'm astonished at the air of sin-fying me. He never intended to be punctual, and cerity with which he parted. Hardcastle. And I'm astonished at the delibe rate intrepidity of his assurance. Sir Charles. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth. I'll wait no longer. What do I see? It is he! and perhaps with news of my Constance. Enter TONY, booted and spattered. Hastings. My honest 'Squire! I now find Hardcastle. Here comes my daughter, and I you a man of your word. This looks like friendwould stake my happiness upon her veracity. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. ship. Tony. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This Hardcastle. Kate, come hither, child. Answer riding by night, by the by, is cursedly tiresome. It us sincerely and without reserve: has Mr. Marlow has shook me worse than the basket of a stagemade you any professions of love and affection? coach. Miss Hardcastle. The question is very abrupt, Hastings. But how? where did you leave your sir! But since you require unreserved sincerity, I fellow-travellers? Are they in safety? Are they housed? think he has. Hardcastle [to Sir Charles]. You see. Tony. Five and twenty miles in two hours and Sir Charles. And pray, madam, have you and a half is no such bad driving. The poor beasts my son had more than one interview? Miss Hardcastle. Yes, sir, several. Hardcastle [to Sir Charles]. You see. Sir Charles. But did he profess any attachment? Miss Hardcastle. A lasting one. Sir Charles. Did he talk of love? Sir Charles. Amazing! and all this formally. Hardcastle. Now, my friend, I hope you are atisfied. have smoked for it: Rabbit me, but I'd rather ride forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment. Hastings. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience. Tony. Left them! Why where should I leave them but where I found them. Hastings. This is a riddle. Tony. Riddle me this then. What's that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house? Hastings. I'm still astray. Tony. Why, that's it, mon. I have led them Sir Charles. And how did he behave, madam? astray. By jingo, there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the afraid. Is that a man that's galloping behind us? taste of. No; it's only a tree.-Don't be afraid. Hastings. Ha! ha! ha! 1 understand: you took them in a round, while they supposed them-me. selves going forward, and so you have at last brought them home again. Tony. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather Bed-Lane, where we stuck fast in the nud. I then rattled them crack over the stones of Up-and-down Hill.-I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-Tree Heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. Hastings. But no accident, I hope? Tony. No, no, only mother is confoundedly trightened. She thinks herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey; and the cattle can scarce crawl. So if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you. Hastings My dear friend, how can I be grateful? Tony. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'Squire. Just now, it was all idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. Damn your way of fighting, I say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be dead, and you might go kiss the hangman. Hastings. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville: if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the Mrs. Hardcastle. Oh, Tony, I'm killed! Shook! Battered to death. I shall never survive it. That last jolt, that laid us against the quickset hedge, bas done my business. Tony. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. Mrs. Hardcastle. The fright will certainly kill Tony. Do you see any thing like a black hat moving behind the thicket? Mrs. Hardcastle. Oh, death! Tony. No; it's only a cow. mamma, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid, Mrs. Hardcastle. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us we are undone. Tony [aside]. Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky, come to take one of his night walks. [To her]. Ah! it's a highwayman with pistols as long as my arm. A damn'd ill-looking fellow. Mrs. Hardcastle. Good Heaven defend us! He approaches.. Tony. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage him. If there be any danger, I'll cough, and cry hem. When I cough, be sure to keep close. [Mrs. Hardcastle hides behind a tree in the back scene. Enter HARDCASTLE. Hardcastle. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh, Tony, is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and her charge in safety? Tony. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree's. Hem. Mrs. Hardcastle [from behind]. Ah, death! I find there's danger. Hardcastle. Forty miles in three hours; sure that's too much, my youngster. Tony. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys, as they say. Hem. Mrs. Hardcastle [from behind]. Sure he'll do the dear boy no harm. Hardcastle. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from whence it came. Tony. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying that forty miles in four hours was very good going. Hem. As to be sure it was. Hem. I Mrs. Hardcastle. I wish we were at home have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. again. I never met so many accidents in so short | We'll go in if you please. Hem. a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? Tony. By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common, about forty miles from home. Mrs. Hardcastle. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. Hardcastle. But if you talked to yourself you did not answer yourself. I'm certain I heard two voices, and am resolved [raising his voice] to find the other out. Mrs. Hardcastle [from behind]. Oh! he's coming to find me out. Oh! Tony. What need you go, sir, if I tell you? Hem. I'll lay down my life for the truth-hemI'll tell you all, sir. [Detaining him. Hardcastle. I tell you I will not be detained. I insist on seeing. It's in vain to expect I'll believe Don't be you. Tony. Don't be afraio, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five that kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. |