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can-Damme if I don't; for my friend, whom The last club in which I was enrolled a member. you know, gentlemen, and who is a parliament- was a society of moral philosophers, as they called man, a man of consequence, a dear honest crea- themselves, who assembled twice a-week, in order ture, to be sure ; we were laughing last night at— to show the absurdity of the present mode of reDeath and damnation be upon all his posterity, by ligion, and establish a new one in its stead. simply barely tasting—Sour grapes, as the fox said I found the members very warmly disputing once when he could not reach them; and I'll, I'll when I arrived ; not indeed about religion or ethics tell you a story about that, that will make you but about who had neglected to lay down his preburst your sides with laughing: A fox once-Will liminary sixpence upon entering the room. The nobody listen to the song—' As I was walking upon president swore that he had laid his own down, and the highway, I met a young damsel both buxom so swore all the company. and gay'-No ghost, gentlemen, can be murdered ; During this contest I had an opportunity of obe nor did I ever hear but of one ghost killed in all serving the laws, and also the members of the samy life, and that was stabbed in the belly with a ciety. The president, who had been, as I wae My blood and soul if I don't-Mr. Bellows-mender, told, lately a bankrupt, was a tall pale figure with I have the honour of drinking your very good a long black wig; the next to him was dressed in. health-Blast me if I do—dam-blood-bugs-fire a large white wig, and a black cravat; a third by -whiz-blid-tit-rat-trip-The rest all riot, the brownness of his complexion seemed a native nonsense, and rapid confusion.
of Jamaica ; and a fourth by his hue appeared to Were I to be angry at men for being fools, 1 be a blacksmith. But their rules will give the could here find ample room for declamation; but, most just idea of their learning and principles. alas! I have been a fool myself; and why should I be angry with them for being something so natural I. We being a laudable society of moral phito every child of humanity ?
losophers, intends to dispute twice a-week about Fatigued with this society, I was introduced the religion and priestcraft. Leaving behind us old following night to a club of fashion. On taking wives' tales, and following good learning and sound my place
, I found the conversation sufficiently sense: and if so be, that any other persons has a easy, and tolerably good-natured; for my lord and mind to be of the society, they shall be entitled so Sir Paul were not yet arrived. I now thought to do, upon paying the sum of three shillings to be myself completely fitted, and resolving to scek no spent by the company in punch. further, determined to take up my residence here
II. That no member get drunk before nine of for the winter ; while my temper began to open in the clock, upon pain of forfeiting threepence, to be sensibly to the cheerfulness I saw diffused on every spent by the company in punch. face in the room : but the delusion soon vanished,
III. That as members are sometimes apt to go when the waiter came to apprise us that his lord
away without paying, every person shall pay six. ship and Sir Paul were just arrived. From this moment all our felicity was at an end ; shall be settled by a majority, and all fines shall be
pence upon his entering the room; and all disputes our new guests bustled into the room, and took
paid in punch. their seats at the head of the table. Adieu now all
IV. That sixpence shall be every night given confidence; every creature strove who should most
to the president, in order to buy books of learning recommend himself to our members of distinction.
for the good of the society : the president has alEach seemed quite regardless of pleasing any but our new guests ; and what before wore the ap. buying books for the club; particularly the works
ready put himself to a good deal of expense in pearance of friendship was now turned into rivalry. of Tully, Socrates, and Cicero, which he will soon Yet I could not observe that, amidst all this flat
read to the society. tery and obsequious attention, our great men took any notice of the rest of the company. Their
V. All them who brings a new argument whole discourse was addressed to each other. Sir against religion, and who being a philosopher, and Paul told his lordship a long story of Moravia the a man of learning, as the rest of us is, shall be adJew; and his lordship gave Sir Paul a very long mitted to the freedom of the society, upon paying account of his new method of managing silk-sixpence only, to be spent in punch. worms: he led him, and consequently the rest of
VI. Whenever we are to have an extraordinary the company, through all the stages of feeding, meeting, it shall be advertised by some outlandish sunning, and hatching; with an episode on mul- name in the newspapers. berry-trees, a digression upon grass seeds, and a long parenthesis about his new postillion. In this
SAUNDERS MAC W11.0, president, manner we travelled on, wishing every story to be
ANTHONY Blewit, vice-president the last; but all in vain
his + mark. "Hi'w over hills, and Alps on Alps arose. "
WILLIAM TURPIN, secretary.
A SPEECH SPOKEN BY THE INDIGENT PHILOSOESSAY II.
PHER, TO PERSUADE HIS CLUB AT CATEATON TO WE essayists, who are allowed but one subject DECLARE WAR AGAINST SPAIN. at a time, are by no means so fortunate as the wri My honest friends and brother politicians, I perters of magazines, who write upon several. If a ceive that the intended war with Spain makes mamagaziner be dull upon the Spanish war, he soon ny of you uneasy. Yesterday, as we were told, has us up again with the Ghost in Cock-lane ; if the stocks rose, and you were glad ; to-day they the reader begins to doze upon that, he is quickly fall, and you are again miserable. But, my dear roused by an eastern tale ; tales prepare us for po- friends, what is the rising or the falling of the etry, and poetry for the meteorological history of stocks to us, who have no money? Let Nathan the weather. It is the life and soul of a magazine Ben Funk, the Dutch Jew, be glad or sorry for never to be long dull upon one subject ; and the this; but, my good Mr. Bellows-mender, what is reader, like the sailor's horse, has at least the com- all this to you or me? You must mend broken fortable refreshment of having the spur often bellows, and I write bad prose, as long as we live, changed.
whether we like a Spanish war or not. Believe As I see no reason why they should carry off me, my honest friends, whatever you may talk of all the rewards of genius, I have some thoughts liberty and your own reason, both that liberty and for the future of making this Essay a magazine in reason are conditionally resigned by every poor miniature: I shall hop from subject to subject, and, man in every society; and, as we are born to work, if properly encouraged, I intend in time to adorn so others are born to watch over us while we are my feuille volant with pictures. But to begin in working. In the name of common sense then, my the usual form with
good friends, let the great keep watch over us, and A MODEST ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC.
let us mind our business, and perhaps we may at The public has been so often imposed upon by in our turn. I have a Latin sentence that is worth
last get money ourselves, and set beggars at work, the unperforming promises of others, that it is with its weight in gold, and which I shall beg leave to the utmost modesty we assure them of our invio- translate for your instruction. An author, called lable design of giving the very best collection that Lilly's Grammar, finely observes, that "Æs in ever astonished society. The public we honour præsenti perfectum format ;” that is, “ Ready moand regard, and therefore to instruct and entertain them is our highest ambition, with labours calcu- ney makes a perfect man.” Let us then get ready kated as well for the head as the heart. If four money; and let them that will spend theirs by gr
ing to war with Spain. extraordinary pages of letter-press, be any recommendation of our wit, we may at least boast the RULES FOR BEHAVIOUR, DRAWN UP BY THE INDIhonour of vindicating our own abilities. To say nore in favour of the Infernal Magazine, would If you be a rich man, you may enter the room se unworthy the public; to say less, would be inju- with three loud hems, march deliberately up to ious to ourselves. As we have no interested mo- the chimney, and turn your back to the fire. If sives for this undertaking, being a society of gen-you be a poor man, I would advise you to shrink ilemen of distinction, we disdain to eat or write into the room as fast as you can, and place your like hirelings ; we are all gentlemen, resolved to self as usual upon the corner of a chair in a recell our sixpenny magazine merely for our own umusement.
When you are desired to sing in company, I Be careful to ask for the Infernal Magazine.
would advise you to refuse ; for it is a thousand to
one but that you torment us with affectation or a DEDICATION TO THAT MOST INGENIOUS OF ALL bad voice.
PATRONS, THE TRIPOLINE AMBASSADOR. If you be young, and live with an old man, I May it please your Excellency,
would advise you not to like gravy; I was disinAs your taste in the fine arts is universally al- herited myself for liking gravy. bwed and admired, permit the authors of the In Don't laugh much in public; the spectators that ernal Magazine to lay the following sheets hum- are not as merry as you will hate you, either bebly at your Excellency's toe; and should our la- cause they envy your happiness, or fancy thomLours ever have the happiness of one day adorning selves the subject of your mirth. the courts of Fez, we doubt not that the influence wherewith we are honoured, shall be ever retained
FROM THE LATIN OF DANÆUS DE SORTIARIIS, with the most warm ardour by,
A WRITER CONTEMPORARY WITH CALVIN, AND May it please your Excellency, Your most devoted humble servants,
The authors of the INFERNAL MAGAZINE. The person who desires to raise the Devil, is to
RULES FOR RAISING THE DEVIL.
ONE OF THE REFORMERS OF OUR CHURCH.
sacrifice a dog, a cat, and a hen, all of his own in a world which he hated, and which repaid his property, to Beelzebub. He is to swear an eternal detestation with contempt, he retired to this region obedience, and then to receive a mark in some un- of sterility, in order to brood over his resentment in seen place, either under the eye-lid, or in the roof solitude, and converse with the only honest heart of the mouth inflicted by the devil himself. Upon he knew, namely, with his own. this he has power given him over three spirits; one A cave was his only shelter from the inclemency for earth, another for air, and a third for the sea. of the weather; fruits gathered with difficulty froin Upon certain times the devil holds an assembly of the mountain's side his only food; and his drink magicians, in which each is to give an account was fetched with danger and toil from the head. of what evil he has done, and what he wishes to long torrent. In this manner he lived, sequestered do. At this assembly he appears in the shape of an from society, passing the hours in meditation, and old man, or often like a goat with large horns. sometimes exulting that he was able to live indeThey upon this occasion renew their vows of obe- pendently of his fellow-creatures. dience; and then form a grand dance in honour At the foot of the mountain an extensive lake of their false deity. The devil instructs them in displayed its glassy bosom, reflecting on its broad every method of injuring mankind, in gathering surface the impending horrors of the mountain. To poisons, and of riding upon occasion through the this capacious mirror he would sometimes descend, air. He shows them the whole method, upon ex- and reclining on its steep banks, cast an eager look amination, of giving evasive answers; his spirits on the smooth expanse that lay before him. “How have power to assume the form of angels of light, beautiful,” he often cried, "is Nature! how lovely and there is but one method of detecting them, even in her wildest scenes! How finely contrasted viz. to ask them in proper form, what method is is the level plain that lies beneath me, with yon the most certain to propagate the faith over all the awful pile that hides its tremendous head in clouds! world? To this they are not permitted by the Su- But the beauty of these scenes is no way compara. perior Power to make a false reply, nor are they ble with their utility; hence a hundred rivers are willing to give the true one, wherefore they con- supplied, which distribute health and verdure lo tinue silent, and are thus detected.
the various countries through which they flow. Every part of the universe is beautiful, just, and
wise; but man, vile man, is a solecism in nature, ESSAY III.
the only monster in the creation. Tempests and
whirlwinds have their use; but vicious ungrateful WHERE Tauris lifts its head above the storm, man is a blot in the fair page of universal beauty. and presents nothing to the sight of the distant Why was I born of that detested species, whose traveller but a prospect of nodding rocks, falling vices are almost a reproach to the wisdom of the torrents, and all the variety of tremendous nature; divine Creator? Were men entirely free from vice, on the bleak bosom of this frightful mountain, se- all would be uniformity, harmony, and order. A cluded from society, and detesting the ways of men, world of moral rectitude should be the result of a lived Asem the Man-hater.
perfect moral agen. Why, why then, ( Alla ! Asem had spent his youth with men, had shared must I be thus confined in darkness, doubt, and in their amusements, and had been taught to love despair?" his fellow-creatures with the most ardent affection; Just as he uttered the word despair, he was going but from the tenderness of his disposition he ex- to plunge into the lake bencath him, at once to sathausted all his fortune in relieving the wants of the isfy his doubts, and put a period to his anxiety; distressed. The petitioner never sued in vain, the when he perceived a most majestic being walking weary traveller never passed his door; he only dar on the surface of the water, and approaching the sisted from doing good when he had no longer le bank on which he stood. So unexpected an object power of relieving.
at once checked his purpose; he stopped, contemFrom a fortune thus spent in benevolence he plated, and fancied he saw something awful and expected a grateful return from those he had for- divine in his aspect. merly relieved, and made his application with con “Son of Adam,” cried the Genius, “stop thy fidence of redress: the ungrateful world soon grew rash purpose; the Father of the faithful has seen weary of his importunity; for pity is but a short-thy justice, thy integrity, thy miseries, and bath lived passion. He soon therefore began to view sent me to afford and administer relief. Give me mankind in a very different light from that in which thine hand, and follow without trembling wherever he had before beheld them; he perceived a thousand I shall lead: in me behold the Genius of Convicvices he had never before suspected to exist ; where. tion, kept by the Great Prophet, to turn from their ever he turned, ingratitude, dissimulation, and errors those who go astray, not from curiosity, but treachery, contributed to increase his detestation of a rectitude of intention. Follow me, and be wise." them Resolved therefore to continue no longer! Asam immediately descended upon the lake, and
his guide conducted him along the surface of the sembles the other, and indeed for obvious reasons; water, till coming near the centre of the lake, they for the earth can support a more considerable numboth began to sink; the waters closed over their ber of animals, by their thus becoming food for heads; they descended several hundred fathoms, each other, than if they had lived entirely on het till Asem, just ready to give up his life as inevitably vegetable productions. So that animals of differlost, found himself with his celestial guide in ano- ent natures thus formed, instead of lessening their ther world, at the bottom of the waters, where hu- multitude, subsist in the greatest number possible. man foot had never trod before. His astonishment But let us hasten on to the inhabited country bewas beyond description, when he saw a sun like fore us, and see what that offers for instruction.” that he had left, a serene sky over his head, and They soon gained the utmost verge of the forest, blooming verdure under his feet.
and entered the country inhabited by men without “ I plainly perceive your amazement," said the vice; and Asem anticipated in idea the rational deGenius; " but suspend it for a while. This world light he hoped to experience in such an innocent was formed by Alla, at the request, and under the society. But they had scarcely left the confines of inspection, of our Great Prophet ; who once en- the wood, when they beheld one of the inhabitants tertained the same doubts which filled your mind flying with hasty steps, and terror in his countewhen I found you, and from the consequence of nance, from an army of squirrels that closely purwhich you were so lately rescued. The rational sued him. “ Heavens !" cried Asem," why does inhabitants of this world are formed agreeable to he fly? What can he fear from animals so conyour own ideas; they are absolutely without vice. temptible?" He had scarcely spoken when he In other respects it resembles your earth, but dif- perceived two dogs pursuing another of the human fers from it in being wholly inhabited by men who species, who with equal terror and haste attempted never do wrong. If you find this world more to avoid them." This,” cried Asem to his guide, agreeable than that you so lately left, you have" is truly surprising; nor can I conceive the reafree permission to spend the remainder of your son for so strange an action.” Every species of days in it; but permit me for some time to attend animals,” replied the Genius, "has of late grown you, that I may silence your doubts, and make very powerful in this country; for the inhabitants you better acquainted with your company and at first thinking it unjust to use either fraud or your new habitation !!
force in destroying them, they have insensibly in" A world without vice! Rational beings with creased, and now frequently ravage their harmless out immorality !" cried Asem in a rapture : “I frontiers." “But they should have been destroythank thee, O Alla, who hast at length heard my ed,” cried Asem ; "you see the consequence of petitions ; this, this indeed will produce happiness, such neglect.” “Where is then that tenderness ecstacy, and ease. O for an immortality to spend you so lately expressed for subordinate animals ?" it among men who are incapable of ingratitude, replied the Genius smiling; " you seem to have forinjustice, fraud, violence, and a thousand other got that branch of justice." "I must acknowledge crimes, that render society miserable.”
my mistake,” returned Asem; “I am now con“Cease thine exclamations," replied the Genius. vinced that we must be guilty of tyranny and inLook around thee; reflect on every object and justice to the brute creation, if we would enjoy the action before us, and communicate to me the re- world ourselves. But let us no longer observe the sult of thine observations. Lead wherever you duty of man to these irrational creatures, but surthink proper, I shall be your attendant and in-vey their connexions with one another.”
Asem and his companion travelled on As they walked farther up the country, the more in silence for some time, the former being entirely he was surprised to see no vestiges of handsome lost in astonishment; but at last recovering his houses, no cities, nor any mark of elegant design. former serenity, he could not help observing, that His conductor, perceiving his surprise, observed, the face of the country bore a near resemblance to that the inhabitants of this new world were perthat he had left, except that this subterranean fectly content with their ancient simplicity; each world still seemed to retain its primeval wildness. had a house, which, though honely, was sufficient
Here," cried Asem, “I perceive animals of to lolge his little family; they were too good to prev, and others that seem only designed for their build houses which could only increase their own subsistence; it is the very same in the world over pride, and the envy of the spectator; what they our healls. But had I been permitted to instruct built was for convenience, and not for show. "At our Prophet, I would have removed this defect, least, then,” said Asem, "they have neither archiand formed no voracious or destructive animals, tects, painters, nor statuaries, in their society; but which only prey on the other parts of the creation." these are idle arts, and may be spared. However. “Your tenderness for interior animals is, I find, before I spend much more time, you should have remarkable,” said the Genius smiling. But with my thanks for introducing me into the society of regard to meaner creatures this world exactly re- some of their wisest men, there is scarcely any
pleasure to me equal to a refined conversation; have, however, another excellence yet behind; the there is nothing of which I am so much enamour- love of their country is still I hope one of their ed as wisdom.” “Wisdom !" replied his instruc- darling virtues.” “Peace, Asem," replied the tor, “how ridiculous! We have no wisdom here, Guardian, with a countenance not less severe than for we have no occasion for it ; true wisdom is only beautiful, “nor forfeit all thy pretensions to wisa knowledge of our own duty, and the duty of dom : the same selfish motives by which we prefer others to us; but of what use is such wisdom here? our own interest to that of others, induce us to reeach intuitively performs what is right in himself
, gard our country preferably to that of another and expects the same from others. If by wisdom Nothing less than universal benevolence is free you should mean vain curiosity, and empty specu- frum vice, and that you see is practised here." lation, as such pleasures have their origin in vani- "Strange!” cries the disappointed pilgrim, in an ty, luxury, or avarice, we are too good to pursue agony of distress ; "what sort of a world am I now them. "All this may be right,” says Asem; “but introduced to? There is scarcely a single virtue, methinks I observe a solitary disposition prevail but that of temperance, which they practise ; and among the people; each family keeps separately in that they are no way superior to the very brute within their own precincts, without society, or with creation. There is scarcely an amusement which out intercourse." “That indeed is true," replied they enjoy; fortitude, liberality, friendship, wisdom, the other; "here is no established society ; nor conversation, and love of country, all are virtues should there be any; all societies are made either entirely unknown here: thus it seems that to be through fear or friendship: the people we are acquainted with vice is not to know virtue. Take among are too good to fear each other; and there me, O my Genius, back to that very world which are no motives to private friendship, where all are I have despised: a world which has Alla for its equally meritorious." “Well, then,” said the contriver is much more wisely formed than that sceptic, "as I am to spend my time here, if I which has been projected by Mahomet. Ingratiam to have neither the polite arts, nor wisdom, nor tude, contempt, and hatred, I can now suffer, for friendship, in such a world, I should be glad at perhaps I have deserved them. When I arraigned least of an easy companion, who may tell me his the wisdom of Providence, I only showed my own thoughts, and to whom I may communicate mine." ignorance: henceforth let me keep from vice my"And to what purpose should either do this?” says self, and pity it in others.” the Genius : "flattery or curiosity are vicious mo He had scarcely ended, when the Genius, astives, and never allowed of here; and wisdom is suming an air of terrible complacency, called all out of the question.”
his thunders around him, and vanished in a whirl"Still, however,” said A sem, "the inhabitants wind. Asem, astonished at the terror of the scene, must be happy; each is contented with his own looked for his imaginary world; when, casting his possessions, nor avariciously endeavours to heap eyes around, he perceived himself in the very situaup more than is necessary for his own subsistence; tion, and in the very place, where he first began to each' has therefore leisure for pitying those that repine and despair; his right foot had been just adstand in need of his compassion." He had scarce- vanced to take the fatal plunge, nor had it been yet ly spoken when his ears were assaulted with the withdrawn; so instantly did Providence strike the lamentations of a wretch who sat by the way-side, series of truths just imprinted on his soul. He now and, in the most deplorable distress, seemed gently departed from the water-side in tranquillity, and to murmur at his own misery. Asem immediate- leaving his horrid mansion, travelled to Segestan, ly ran to his relief, and found him in the last stage his native city; where he diligently applied himself of a consumption. “Strange,” cried the son of to commerce, and put in practice that wisdom he Adam, "that men who are free from vice should had learned in solitude. The frugality of a few thus suffer so much misery without relief!" "Be years soon produced opulence; the number of not surprised," said the wretch who was dying: his domestics increased ; his friends came to him "would it not be the utmost injustice for beings, from every part of the city; nor did he receive them who have only just sufficient to support themselves, with disdain : and a youth of misery was concluded and are content with a bare subsistence, to take it with an old age of elegance, affluence, and ease. from their own mouths to put it into mine? They never are possessed of a single meal more than is necessary; and what is barely necessary can not be
ESSAY IV. dispensed with.” “They should have been supplied with more than is necessary,” cried Asem; It is allowed on all hands, that our English di" and yet I contradict my own opinion but a mo- vines receive a more liberal education, and improve ment before ;-ali is uoubt, perplexity, and con- that education by frequent study, more than any
Even the want of ingratitude is no virtue others of this reverend profession in Europe. In here, since they never received a favour. They general also it may be observed, that a greater de