Fag. I beg pardon, sir -- I beg pardon — but, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

Abs. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much security. — Is Mr. Faulkland returned?

Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress.

Abs. Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arrival ?

Fag. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol.1 I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down

Fag. Yes, sir. -[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Abs. Well, well.

Fag. And in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out.

[Exit. Abs. Now for my whimsical friend. If he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him

Enter FAULKLAND.

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between you and Lydia?

Abs. Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget

1 Twelve miles northwest of Bath.

that, my friend. No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

Faulk. Nay then, you trifle too long if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

Abs. Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her, before I risk it. Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us

to-day at the hotel?

Faulk.

party.

Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a

Abs. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover! Do love like a

man.

Faulk. I own I am unfit for company.

Abs. Am not I a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry everywhere with me such a confounded farrago1 of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

Faulk. Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and throw again; but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed were to be stripped of all.

Abs. But, for heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present?

Faulk. What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens are there not a thousand! I fear for her spirits her health her life. My absence may fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me may oppress her gentle temper. And for her health, does not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may

1 Mixture, confusion.

have affected her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for whom only I value mine O Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension!

Abs. Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not. So, then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content?

Faulk. I should be happy beyond measure - I am anxious only for that.

Abs. Then to cure your anxiety at once

in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath.

Faulk. Nay, Jack - don't trifle with me.

Miss Melville is

Abs. She is arrived here with my father within this hour. Faulk. Can you be serious?

Abs. I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind. Seriously, then, it is as I upon my honour.

tell you

Faulk. My dear friend!

Hollo, Du Peigne! my hat.

My dear Jack—now nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

Fag.

Re-enter FAG.

Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below.

Abs. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her. Fag, show the gentleman up.

[Exit FAG.

Faulk. What, is he much acquainted in the family? Abs. Oh, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character will divert you.

Faulk. Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

Abs. He is likewise a rival of mine- that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed skulking rival, who

Faulk. Hush! he's here.

Enter ACRES.

Acres. Ha! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? Just arrived, faith, as you see.

Sir, your

humble servant. Warm work on the roads, Jack! Odds whips and wheels!1 I've travelled like a comet, with a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall.2

Abs. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your attraction hither. Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr. Faulkland, Mr. Acres.

Acres. Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir, I solicit your connections. Hey, Jack-what, this is Mr. Faulkland,

who

Abs. Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland.

Acres. Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me. I suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man.

Faulk. I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir. I hope she enjoyed full health and spirits in Devonshire?

Acres. Never knew her better in my life, sir

never better.

Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa.3

Faulk. Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

Acres. False, false, sir only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure you.

Faulk. There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted myself ill.

Abs. Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick?

Faulk. No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence

1 Acres' theory of swearing is that " the oath should be an echo to the sense.' For a full account of this "oath referential or sentimental swearing," see page 122.

2 The reference is presumably to the Mall in Bath rather than to the better known London Mall.

3 Spa is a watering-place in Belgium not far from the German frontier. The word has become in English a common noun meaning a resort where there are mineral springs.

from those we love. Now confess - isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health?

Abs. Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure!

Acres. Good apartments, Jack.

Faulk. Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well - what then, she has been merry and gay, I suppose?- Always in spirits hey? —

Acres. Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company wherever she has been so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour.

Faulk. There, Jack, there. Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in woman that nothing can overcome.

happy, and I away!

What!

Abs. Have done. How foolish this is! Just now you were only apprehensive for your mistress's spirits.

Faulk. Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

Abs. No indeed, you have not.

Faulk. Have I been lively and entertaining?

Abs. Oh, upon my word, I acquit you.

Faulk. Have I been full of wit and humour?

Abs. No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed.

Acres. What's the matter with the gentleman ?

Abs. He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy- that's all Faulkland?

hey,

Faulk. Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it - yes, yes, she has a happy disposition !

Acres.

That she has indeed - then she is so accomplished so sweet a voice so expert at her harpsichord — such a mistress of flat and sharp, squallante, rumblante, and quiverante! 1

There was this time month — odds minims and crotchets ! 2 how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert.

1 Musical terms invented by Acres after the analogy of andante from squall, rumble, and quiver.

2 Half-notes and quarter-notes.