ÆäÀÌÁö À̹ÌÁö
PDF
ePub

observed them a thousand times, and wondered where the devil they all came from-ha, ha, ha! Lady M. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath?

Lady R. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion; and better nae human follies ever afforded-ha, ha, ha! sie an a mixture, and sie oddities-ha, ha, ha! a perfect gallimaufry. Lady Kunegunda M Kenzie and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose to reconnoitre the monsters, and pick up their frivolities --ha, ha, ha!

Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till your ladyship.

Lady R. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax-ha, ha, ha! Madam, we had in one group, a peer and a sharper, a duchess and a pinmaker's wife; a boarding-school miss and her grandmother; a fat parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral -ha, ha, ha! aw speaking together, and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict. [object of their contention? Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the Lady R. O! a vary important one, I assure you; of no less consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have been saved. Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

makes me as vain as a reigning toast before her looking-glass. Enter TOMLINS.

Tom. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir.

Sir P. O! vary weel. Dinner directly.
Tom. It is ready, sir.

[Exit.

Sir P. My lord, we attend your lordship. Lord L. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand if you please. Exit with Lady M. Sir P. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a hand at your ladyship's devotion. Lady R. (Giving her hand to Egerton.) And I, sir, have one at his. There, sir; as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the account of human dealings now-a-days.

Eger. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery-ticket. Lady R. Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similies, I vow, Mr. Egerton. Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my dissipated heart, as exactly as if you had meant to describe it. [Exit with Egerton. Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she has, Maister Sidney! Sid. A great fund, indeed, Sir Pertinax. Sir P. Come, let us till dinner. Ah! by this time to-morrow, Maister Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil; and then, sir, my cares will be over for this life; for as to my other son, I expect nae guid of him, nor should I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin: but this match-O! it will make me the happiest of aw hubeings. [Exeunt.

Lady R. In another party, Sir Pertinax-ha, ha, ha! we had what was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a haberdasher, a red-hot patriot and a sneering courtier, a discarded statesman and his scribbling chaplain, with a busy, bawling, muckle-headed prerogative lawyer; all of whom were every minute ready to gang together by the luggs, about the in and the out meenistry-man ha, ha, ha!

Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow. Vary whimsical, upon honour! But they are all great politicians at Bath, and settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a country dance.

Lady R. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room, in a by-corner, snug, we had a Jew and a bishop.

Sir P. A Jew and a bishop! ha, ha! a devilish guid connection that: and pray, my lady, what were they about?

Lady R. Why, sir, the bishop was striving to convert the Jew; while the Jew, by intervals, was slyly picking up intelligence fra the bishop, about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the stocks.

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse! ha! it was devilish clever of him, my lord, devilish clever! The Jew distilling the bishop's brains.

Lord L. Yes, yes; the fellow kept a sharp lookout. I think it was a fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton.

Eger. True, my lord; but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way to succeed.

Lord L. O! all to nothing, sir-ha, ha, ha! Well, child, I like your Jew and your bishop much. It's devilish clever. Let us have the rest of the history, pray, my dear.

Lady R. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is, that there we aw danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and cheated, and mingled, and jumbled together, even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark.

Omnes. Ha, ha, ha!

Lord L. Ha, ha, ha! Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha; and, upon my honour-ha, ha, ba! you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever was hit off. What say you, Mr. Sidney?

Sid. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly in distinct colours.

Lady R. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation

ACT III. SCENE I.-A Library.

Enter SIR PERTINAX and EGERTON. Sir P. (In warm resentment.) Zounds! sir, I will not hear a word about it: I insist upon it you are wrong; you should have paid your court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or twenty till oblige him.

Eger. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper.

Sir P. Yes, you did; but how, how? just as a bairn takes physic; with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the matter, the moment that he and the Colonel got intill a drunken dispute about religion, you slyly slunged

away.

Eger. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half-pint bumpers.

Sir P. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the Colonel, in order to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of sma' glasses. [to drink any more. Eger. But, sir, I beg pardon: I did not choose Sir P. But, zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your drinking more.

Eger. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir?

Sir P. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage; about which I am afraid we shall have a warm squabble; and therefore I wanted your assistance in it.

Eger. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your squabble?

Sir P. Yes, sir, it would have contributed-and greatly have contributed to assist me. Eger. How so, sir?

Sir P. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the humour; and guin you had but staid, and been a little jolly, and drank half a score bumpers with him, till he had got a little tipsy, I am sure, when we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish it among ourselves

before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken what will be the consequence.

Eger. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable time to settle business, sir? Sir P. The most seasonable, sir: for sir, when my lord is in his cups, his suspicion is asleep, and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid fellowship; and, sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up your shoulders at, sir? Eger. At my own ignorance, sir: for I understand neither the philosophy, nor the morality of your doctrine.

Sir P. I know you do not, sir: and, what is worse, you never wall understand it, as you proceed in one word, Charles, I have often told you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble fortune, a princely fortune; and how do you think I raised it?

Eger. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.

Sir P. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead: nae, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it: sir, I raised itby booing, (bows ridiculously low) by booing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great mon, but always booed, and booed, and booed as it were by instinct.

Eger. How do you mean by instinct, sir?

Sir P. How do I mean by instinct! Why, sir, I mean by-by-by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonderful to think what a cordial, what an amicable-nay, what an infallible influence booing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine by example Eger. Certainly, sir. [and demonstration? | Sir P. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the stages of my booing, as an excitement, and a landmark for you to boo by, and as an infallible nostrum for a man of the world to rise in the world. Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.

Sir P. Vary weel, sir; sit ye down then, sit you down here. (They sit down.) And now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather was a mon, whose penurious income of captain's half-pay was the sum total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every mon well pleased with himself.

Eger. Very prudent advice, sir.

Sir P. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you. Now, sir, with these materials, I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the North, to try my fortune with them here in the south; and my first step in the world was a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting-house, here, in the city of London; which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect. Eger. It was not a very fertile one, indeed, sir. Sir P. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night, and marked every mon, and every mode of prosperity; at last, I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my condition; and accordingly I set about it. Now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty! beauty! ah! beauty often struck my een, and played about my heart: aud fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked: but the devil an entrance I ever let it get: for I observed, sir, that beauty is, generally,―a proud,

vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a com-
Eger. Very justly observed.
[modity.

Sir P. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and, in its stead, sir, mark!--I looked out for an apcient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive, toothless, phthisicy, wealthy widow; or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity, in the shape of an izzard, or an appersi-and-or, in short, ainything, ainy thing that had the siller-the siller-for that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir? was nae that right? Eger. O! doubtless, doubtless, sir.

Sir P. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller? nae till court, nae till playhouses or assemblies; nae, sir, I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, Bradlonian, and Muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked-ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nae comfort but in metaphysical visions and supernatural deliriums-ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad -as mad as a Bedlamite.

Eger. Not improbable, sir: there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition.

Sir P. O! numbers-numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the tabernacle in Moorfields. And as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumped me down upon my knees, close by her-cheek by jowl-and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and guashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost cracked again. I watched her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week; married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month; touched the siller; and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowfal visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again; (rises) and this, sir, was the first boo, that is the first effectual boo, ever made till the vanity of human nature. Now, sir, do you understand this Eger. Perfectly well, sir. [doctrine?

Sir P. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off?

Eger. Certainly, sir: extremely well.

Sir P. My next boo, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding-school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the treasury; and, sir, my vary next step was intill parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I booed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards, and attended, and dangled upon the then great mon, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence; and then, sir, I wriggled and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them. Ha! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets, and aw the political bonuses; till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a booing to: and was nae that booing to some purpose? Eger. It was indeed, sir.

Sir P. But are you convinced of the guid effects and of the utility of booing?

Eger. Thoroughly, sir.

Str P. Sir, it is infallible. But, Charles, ah! while I was thus booing, and wriggling, and rais ing this princely fortune, ah! I met with many

heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, eloquence, and other popular abeeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken in the house, should have done the deed in half the time; but the instant I opened my mouth there they aw fell a laughing at me; aw which deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expense, to have supplied by the polished education of a son, who I hoped would one day raise the house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done her's; you are popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you: and now, sir, it only remains for you to be directed-completion follows. Eger. Your liberality, sir, in my education, is an obligation I shall ever remember with the deepest filial gratitude.

Sir P. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage; your liveries, your equipage; or your domestic establishment? Eger. Not yet, sir. [vary wrong. Sur P. Poh! why there again, now, you are wrong; Eger. Sir, we have not had an opportunity. Sir P. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business.

Lord L. (Sings without, flushed with wine.) "What have we with day to do?".

lord.

Sir P. O! here comes my Lord L. "Sons of care, 'twas made for you." Enter LORD LUMBERCOURT, drinking a dish of coffee; TOMLINS waiting.

"Sons of care, 'twas made for you." Very good coffee, indeed, Mr. Tomlins. "Sons of care, 'twas made for you. Here, Mr. Tomlins. [dish? Tom. Will your lordship please to have another Lord L. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [Exit Tomlins.] Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work.

Sir P. Yes, you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and vigour of a bacchanal.

Lord L. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but three motions, old boycharge, toast, fire-and off we go. Ha, ba, ha! that's my exercise.

Sir P. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord; especially with the half-pint glasses.

Lord L. Zounds! it does execution point blank ay, ay, none of your pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint bumpers, my dear; they try a fellow's stamina at once: but where's Egerton?

Sir P. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands. Lord L. My dear Egerton.

Eger. Your lordship's most obedient.

Lord L. I beg pardon, I did not see you. I am sorry you left us so soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the colonel.

Eger. So I understand, my lord.

Lord L. But, Egerton, I have slipped from the company for a few moments, on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her.

Sir P. A demur! how so, my lord?

Lord L. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a single glance or hint upon the subject.

Sir P. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness to the lady. Enter TOMLINS. Tom. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and Sergeant Eitherside. [very evening, my lord. Sir P. Why then we can settle the business this

:

Lord L. As well as in seven years; and, to make the way as short as possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her directly. [Exit Tomlins.] He shall attack her this instant, Sír Pertinax.

Sir P. Ay, this is doing business effectually, my lord.

Lord L. O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax; that will bring them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of awkwardness on both sides. O, here your dulcinea comes, sir. Enter LADY RODOLPHA, singing.

Lady R. Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands; and your's, my paternal lord.

Lord L. Why then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening.

Lady R. This evening, my lord!

Lord L. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them to settle their liveries, wedding suits, carriages, and all their amorous equipage for the nuptial campaign.

I

Sir P. Ha, ha, ha! excellent, excellent! Weel, vow, my lord, you are a great officer: this is as guid a manoeuvre to bring on a rapid engagement as the ablest general of them a' could have started.

Lord L. Ay, ay! leave them together; they'll soon come to a right understanding, I warrant you; or the needle and loadstone have lost their sympathy. [Exit with Sir Pertinax, Eger. (Aside.) What a dilemma am I in! Lady R. (Aside.) Why, this is downright tyranny! it has quite damped my spirits; and my betrothed, yonder, seems planet-struck, too, I think. Eger. (Aside.) A whimsical situation, mine. Lady R. (Aside.) Ha, ha, ha! methinks we look like a couple of cautious generals, that are obliged to take the field, but neither of us seems willing to come till action. [dress her.

Eger. (Aside.) I protest I know not how to adLady R. (Aside.) He will nae advance, I see: what am I to do in this affair? guid traith, I will even do, as I suppose many brave heroes have done before me; clap a guid face on the matter; and so conceal an aching heart under a swaggering countenance. Sir, as we have, by the commands of our guid fathers, a business of some little consequence to transact, I hope you will excuse my taking the liberty of recommending a chair till you, for the repose of your body, in the embarrassed deliberation of your perturbed spirits.

Eger. (Greatly embarrassed.) Madam, I beg your pardon. (Hands her a chair, then one for himself.) Please to sit, madam.

Lady R. (Aside.) Ah! he's resolved not to come too near till me, I think.

[hem!

Eger. (Aside.) A pleasant interview this-hem, Lady R. (Aside, mimics him to herself.) Hem! he will not open the congress, I see: then I will. (Very loud.) Come, sir, when will you begin?

Eger. (Greatly surprised.) Begin! what, madam?
Lady R. To make love till me.
Eger. Love, madam!

Lady R. Ay, love, sir. Why, you have never said a word till me on the subject, nor cast a single glance at me, nor heaved one tender sigh, nor even secretly squeezed my loof. Now, sir, th'of our fathers are so tyrannical as to dispose of us without the consent of our hearts, yet you, sir, I hope, have more humanity than to think of marrying me without administering some of the preliminaries usual on those occasions.

Eger. Madam, I own your reproach is just; I shall, therefore, no longer disguise my sentiments; but fairly let you know my heart.

Lady R. (Starts up, and runs to him.) That's

right, that is right, cousin! but sit you down, sit you down again. (They sit.) I shall return your frankness and your passion, cousin, with a melting tenderness, equal till the amorous enthusiam of an ancient heroine.

Eger. Madam, if you will hear me

Lady R. But remember, you must begin with fervency, and a most rapturous vehemency; for you are to consider, cousin, that our match is nae to arise fra the union of hearts, and a long decorum of ceremonious courtship, but is instantly to start at once, out of necessity, or mere accident. Ha, ha, ha! like a match in an ancient romance, where, you ken, cousin, the knight and the damsel are mutually smitten and dying for each other at first sight, or by an amorous sympathy, before they exchange a single glance. So, now cousin, with the true romantic enthusiasm, you are to suppose me the lady of the enchanted castle; and youha, ha, ha! you are to be the knight of the sorrowful countenance; ha, ha, ha! and, upon honour, you look the character admirably, ha, ha, ha!

Eger. Trifling creature! (Aside.)

Eger. Pray, madam, how am I to understand all this?

Lady R. (With frankness, and a reserve of manners.) Why, sir, your frankness and sincerity demand the same behaviour on my side; therefore, without further disguise or ambiguity, know, sir, that I myself (with a deep sigh) am as deeply smit ten with a certain swain, as I understand you are with your Constantia.

Eger. Indeed, madam!

Lady R. (With an amiable, soft, tender sincerity.) O! sir, notwithstanding a' my shew of courage and mirth, here I stand as errant a trembling Thisbe as ever sighed or mourned for her Pyramus: and, sir, a' my extravagant levity and ridiculous behaviour in your presence now, and ever since your father prevailed upon mine to consent till this match, has been a premeditated scheme to provoke your gravity and guid sense intill a cordiai disgust, and a positive refusal.

Eger. But, madam, if I may presume so far, pray, who is your lover?

Lady R. Why, in that too, I shall surprise yon Lady R. Come, sir, why do you nae begin to perhaps more than ever. In the first place, he is a ravish me with your valour, your vows, your knight-beggar, and in disgrace with an unforgiving father; errantry, and your amorous frenzy? Nay, nay, nay! gain you do nae begin at once, the lady of the enchanted castle will vanish in a twinkling.

Eger. Lady Rodolpha, I know your talent for raillery well; but at present, in my case, there is a kind of cruelty in it.

Lady R. Raillery! upon honour, cousin, you mistake me quite and clean. I am serious, very serious; ay, and I have cause to be serious; nay, I will submit my case even to yourself. (Whines.) Can any puir lassie be in a mair lamentable condition, than to be sent four hundred miles, by the command of a positive grandmother, to marry a man who, I find, has nae mair affection for me than if I had been his wife these seven years?

Eger. Madam, I am extremely sorryLady R. (Cries and sobs.) But it is vary weel, cousin: I see your unkindness and aversion plain enough; and, sir, I must tell you fairly, you are the ainly man that ever slighted my person, or that drew tears fra these een. But it is vary weel, it's vary weel; I will return till Scotland to-morrow morning, and let my grandmother know how I hae been affronted by your slights, your contempts, and your aversions.

Eger. If you are serious, madam, your distress gives me a deep concern; but affection is not in our power; and you will forgive me when I tell you, I can never have that honour which is intended me, by a connexion with your ladyship.

Lady R. (Starting up.) How, sir; are you serious? And so you persist in slighting me?

Eger. I beg your pardon, madain; but I must be explicit, and at once declare, that I never can give my hand, where I cannot give my heart.

Lady R. (In great anger.) Why, then, sir, I must tell you, that your declaration is sie an affront as nae woman of spirit can, or ought to bear; and here I make a solemn vow, never to pardon it but on one condition.

Eger. If that condition be in my power, madamLady R. (Snaps him up.) Sir, it is in your power. Eger. Then, madam, you may command me. Lady R. Why, then, sir, the condition is this--you must here give me your word and honour, that nae importunity, command, or menace of your father; in fine, that nae consideration whatsoever, shall induce you to take me, Rodolpha Lumbercourt, to be your wedded wife.

Eger. I most solemnly promise I never will. Lady R. And I, sir, most solemnly and sincerely (curtsies) thank you for-(curtsies) your resolution, and your agreeable aversion; ha, ha, ha! for vou have made me as happy as a puir wretch reprieved in the vara instant of intended execution.

and, in the next place, he is (curtsies) your ain brother. So you see, cousin Charles, th'of I con'd nae mingle affections with you, I have nae ganged out of the family. But now, sir, let me ask one question; pray, how is your mither affected in this business?

Eger. She knows of my passion; and will, I am sure, be a friend to the common cause.

Lady R. Ah! that's lucky. Our first step, then, must be to take her advice upon our conduct, so as to keep our fathers in the dark till we can hit off some measure that will wind them about till our ain purpose, and the common interest of our ain passion; so come along, cousin Charles. [Exeunt,

ACT IV. SCENE I.-A Library. Enter SIR PERTINAX and COUNSELLOR PLAUSIBLE Sir P. No, no. Come away, Counsellor Planse ble; come away, I say; let them chew upon it. Why, Counsellor, did you ever see so impertinent, so meddling, and so obstinate a blockhead as that Sergeant Eitherside? Confound the fellow, he has put me out of a' temper.

Plaus. He is very positive, indeed, Sir Pertinax, and no doubt was intemperate and rude. But, Str Pertinax, I would not break off the match notwithstanding; for certainly, even without the beroughs, it is an advantageous bargain both to you and your son.

Sir P. But, zounds! Plausible, do you think! will give up the nomination till three boroughs! Why, I would rather give him twenty, nay, thirty thousand pounds in any other part of the bargain especially at this juncture, when votes are likely to become so valuable. Why, man, if a certain affair comes on, they will rise above five hundred per cent.

Plans. You judge very rightly, Sir Pertinax: but what shall we do in this case? for Mr. Sergeant insists that you positively agreed to my lord's hav ing the nomination to the three boroughs during

his own life.

Sir P. Why, yes: in the first sketch of the agreement, I believe I did consent: but, at that time, mon, my lord's affairs did not appear to be half so desperate as I now find they turn out. Sir, he must acquiesce in whatever I demand; for I have got him into sic an hobble that he cannot

Plaus. No doubt, Sir Pertinax, you have him absolutely in your power.

Sir P. Vary weel; and ought nae a man to make his vantage of it?

Plaus. No doubt you ought; no manner of doubt But, Sir Pertinax, there is a secret spring in this business that you do not seem to perceive; and which, I am afraid, governs the matters respectin these boroughs.

Sir P. What spring do you mean, Counsellor? Plaus. Why, this Sergeant Eitherside. I have some reason to think, that my lord is tied down, by some means or other, to bring the Sergeant in, the very first vacancy, for one of these boroughs; now, that, I believe, is the sole motive why the Sergeant is so strenuous that my lord should keep the boroughs in his own power; fearing that you might reject him for some man of your own.

Sir P. Odswunds and death! Plausible, you are clever, devilish clever. By the blood! you have hit upon the vary string that has made a' this discord. Oh! I see it-I see it now. But hauldhauld-bide a wee bit-a wee bit, mon: I have a thought come intill my head-yes-I think, Plausible, with a little twist in our negotiation, that this vary string, properly tuned, may be still made to produce the vary harmony we wish for. Yes, yes, I have it: this Sergeant, I see, understands business; and, if I am not mistaken, knows how to take a hint.

Plaus. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax.

Sir P. Why, then, Plausible, the short road is the best with sic a man. You must even come up till his mark at once, and assure him from me that I will secure him a seat for one of these vary boroughs. Plaus. Oh! that will do, Sir Pertinax; that will do, I'll answer for't.

Sir P. And further, I beg you will let him know that I think myself obliged to consider him, in this affair, as acting for me as weel as my lord, as a common friend till baith; and for the services he has already done us, make my special compliments till him: and, pray let this amicable bit of paper be my faithful advocate to convince him of what my gratitude further intends for his great (gives him a bank-bill) equity in adjusting this agreement betwixt my lord and me.

Plaus. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word, Sir Pertinax, this is noble. Ay, ay! this is an eloquent bit of paper, indeed.

Sir P. Haister Plausible, in a' human dealings, the most effectual method is that of ganging at once till the vary bottom of a mon's heart: for, if we expect that men should serve us, we must first win their affections by serving them. O! here they baith come.

Enter LORD LUMBERCOURT and SERGEANT
EITHERSIDE.

Lord L. My dear Sir Pertinax, what could provoke you to break off this business so abruptly? You are really wrong in the point; and, if you will give yourself time to recollect, you will find that my having the nomination to the boroughs for my life, was a preliminary article; I appeal to Mr. Sergeant Eitherside here, whether I did not always

understand it so.

ship to give up any point without an equivalent. Sir Pertinax, will you permit Mr. Sergeant and me to retire a few moments to re-consider this point? Sir P. With a' my heart, Maister Plausible; anything to oblige his lordship; anything to accommodate his lordship; anything. Plaus. What say you, my lord? [Sergeant. Lord L. Nay, I submit it entirely to you and Mr. Plaus. Come, Mr. Sergeant, let us retire. Lord L. Ay, ay, go, Mr. Sergeant, and hear what Mr. Plausible has to say.

Serg. Nay, I'll wait on Mr. Plausible, my lord, with all my heart; but I am sure I cannot suggest the shadow of a reason for altering my present opinion: impossible, impossible.

Plans. Well, well, Mr. Sergeant, do not be positive. I am sure, reason, and your client's conve niency, will always make you alter your opinion.

Serg. Ay, ay; reason and my client's conveniency, Mr. Plausible, will always control my opinion, depend upon it; ay, ay! there you are right. Sir, I attend you. [Exeunt Lawyers.

Sir P. I am sorry, my lord, extremely sorry, indeed, that this mistake has happened.

Lord L. Upon my honour, and so am I, Sir Pertinax.

Sir P. But come, now, after a', your lordship must allow you have been in the wrong: come, my dear lord, you must allow me that now.

Lord L. How so, my dear Sir Pertinax? Sir P. Not about the boroughs, my lord; for those I do not mind of a bawbee; but about your distrust of my friendship. Why, do you think, now-I appeal till your ain breast, my lord-do you think, I say, that I should ever have slighted your lordship's nomination till these boroughs.

Lord L. Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax; but one must be directed by one's lawyer, you know.

Sir P. Ha! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to have any dependance upon : they are always starting punetilios and difficulties among friends. Why, my lord, it is their interest that a' mankind should be at variance; for disagreement of every kind is the vary manure with which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and, as they find that that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always be sure to lay it on as thick as they can.

Lord L. Come, come, my dear Sir Pertinax; you must not be angry with the Sergeant for his insisting so warmly on this point; for those boroughs, you know, are my sheet anchor.

Sir P. I know it, my lord; and, as an instance of my promptness to study, and of my acquaintance till your lordship's inclination, as I see that this Sergeant Eitherside wishes you weel, and you of Serg. I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his him, I think, now, he would be as guid a man to be lordship's conversation with me upon this business, returned for one of those boronghs as could be and in his positive instructions, both he and I al-pitched upon; and, as such, I humbly recommend ways understood the nomination to be in my lord, him till your lordship's consideration. durante vitá. Lord L. Why, my dear Sir Pertinax, to tell you Sir P. Why, then, my lord, to shorten the dia-the truth, I have already promised him. He must pute, a' that I can say in answer till your Lordship be in for one of them, and that is one reason why is, that there has been a total mistake betwixt us in I insisted so strenuously; he must be in. that point: and, therefore, the treaty must end here. I give it up. O! I wash my hands of it for ever. Plaus. Well, but, gentlemen, gentlemen! a little patience. Surely this mistake, somehow or other, may be rectified. Pr'ythee, Mr. Sergeant, let you and I step into the next room by ourselves, and reconsider the clause relative to the boroughs, and try if we cannot hit upon a medium that will be agreeable to both parties.

Serg. (With great warmth.) Mr. Plausible, I have considered the clause fully; am entirely master of the question: my lord cannot give up the point. It's unkind and unreasonable to expect it.

Plaus. Nay, Mr. Sergeant, I beg you will not misunderstand me. Do not think I want his lord

Sir P. And why not? odswunds! why not? is nae your word a fiat? and will it nae be always so till me? are ye nae my friend, my patron? and are we nae, by this match of our children, to be united intill one interest?

Lord L. So I understand it, I own, Sir Pertinax. Sir P. My lord, it can nae be otherwise; then, for heaven's sake! as your lordship and I can have but one interest for the future, let us have nae mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conclude the agreement just as it stands; otherwise, there must be new writings drawn up, new consultations of lawyers; new objections and delays will arise creditors will be impatient and impertinent; so that we shall nac finish the Lord knows when.

« ÀÌÀü°è¼Ó »