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think the worse of Darnley—but a father's con- Charl. O lud! O lud! Pr’ythee, brother, don't sent might have clapt a pair of horses more to be so wise; if you had an empty house to let, your coach perhaps, and the want of it may pinch would you be displeased to hear there were two
people about it? Besides, to be a little serious, Charl. Burn fortune! am not I a fine woman? Darnley has a tincture of jealousy in his temper, and have not I twenty thousand pounds in my which nothing but a substantial rival can cure. own hands?
Col. Lamb. Oh, your servant, madam! now you Col. Lamb. Yes, sister, but with all your charms, talk reason. I am glad you are concerned enough you have had them in your hands almost these for Darnley's faults, to think them worth your
ending—ha, ha! Charl. Psha! and have not I had the full swing Churl. Concern'd! why, did I say that ?-look of my own airs and humours these four years? you, I'll deny it all to him—well, if ever I am sebut if I huinour my father, I warrant he'll make rious with him againit three or four thousand more, with some un- Col. Lamb. Here he comes; be as merry with lick'd lout-A comfortable equivalent, truly !- him as you please. No, no; let him light his pipe with his consent, Charl, Psha ! if he please. Wilful against wise for a wager. Col. Lamb. Well said ; nothing goes to your
Enter DARNLEY.- -CHARLOTTE takes a Book, heart, I find.
and reads. Charl. No, no; if I must have an ill match, Darn. My dear colonel, your servant. I'll have the pleasure of playing my own game at Col. Lamb. I am glad you did not come sooner ; least.
for in the humour my father left me, 'twould not Col. Lamb. But pray, sister, has my father ever have been a proper time for you to have pressed proposed any other man to you?
your affair-i touch'd upon't-but-i'll tell Charl. Another man ! let me know why you you more presently; in the mean time, lose no ask, and I'll tell you.
ground with my sister. Col. Lamb. Why, the last words he said to me Durn. I shall always think myself obliged to were, that he had another man in his head for your friendship, let my success be what it will — you.
Madam, your most obedient-what have you got Charl. And who is it? who is it? tell me, dear there, pray? brother !
Charl. (Reading.) Her lively looks a sprightly Col. Lamb. Why, you don't so much as seem mind disclose ; surprised.
Quick as her eyes, and as unfix'd as thoseCharl. No; but I'm impatient, and that's as Durn. Pray, madam, what is it? well.
Charl. Favours to none, to all she smiles er. Col. Lamb. Why, how now, sister?
tends Churl, Why, sure, brother, you know very lit- Dorn. Nay, I will see. tle of female happiness, if you suppose the sur- Charl. Oft she rejects, but never once offends. prise of a new lover ought to shock a woman of Col. Lamb. Have a care: she has dipt into her iny temper-don't you know that I am a co- own character, and she'll never forgive you if quette?
you don't let her go through with it. Col. Lamb. If you are, you are the first that Darn. I beg your pardon, madam. ever was sincere enough to own her being so. Charl. Brighi as the sun her eyes the gaser
Charl. To a lover, I grant you: but not to strike, you; I make no more of you than a sister : I can And like the sun they shine on all alikom say any thing to you.
Col. Lamb. I should have been better pleased Darn. That is something like, indeed. if you had not owned it to me-it's a hateful Col. Lamb. You would say so, if you knew all. character.
Darn. All what! pray what do you mean? Charl. Ay, it's no matter for that ; it's violent- Col. Lamb. Have a little patience: I'll tell you ly pleasant, and there's no law against it that I immediately. know of.
Charl. If to her share some female errors fall, Col. Lumb. Darnley's like to have a hopeful time with you.
Is not that natural, Mr Darnley ?
u forget them all. Charl. Well; but don't you really know who Darn. For a woman to expect, it is indeed. it is my father intends me?
Charl. And can you blame her, when 'tis at Col. Lamb. Not I, really; but I imagined you the same time a proof of the poor
man's passion, might, and therefore thought to advise with you and her power ? about it.
Darn. So that you think the greatest compliCharl. Nay, he has not opened his lips to me ment a lover can make his mistress, is to give up yet-are you sure he's gone out?
reason to her. Col. Lůmb. You are very impatient to know, Charl. Certainly; for what have your lordly sex methinks ; what have you to do to concern your to boast of but your understanding, and till that's self about any man but Darnley ?
entirely surrendered to her discretion, whilst the
least sentiment holds out against her, a woman you know no more of love than I do of a regimust be downrighıt yain to think her conquest ment—You shall see now how I'll comfort him— completed.
Poor Darnley, ha, ha, ha! Darn. There we differ, madam; for in my opi- Darn. I don't wonder at your good humour, nion, nothing but the most excessive vanity could madam, when you have so substantial an opporvalue or desire such a conquest.
tunity to make me uneasy for life. Charl. Oh, d'ye hear him, brother! the crea- Charl. O lud! how sententious he is ! well, ture reasons with me; nay, has the effrontery to his reproaches have that greatness of soul-the think me in the wrong too! O lud! he'd make confusion they give is insupportable.-Betty!-is an horrid tyrant-positively I won't have him. the tea ready? Durn. Well; my comfort is, no other man
Entor BETTY. will easily know whether you'll have him or not.
Charl. Am I not an horrid vain, silly creature, Betty. Yes, madam. Mr Darsley?
Charl. Mr Darnley, your servant.
(Exit. Darn. A little bordering upon the baby, I
(BETTY follows. must own.
Col. Lamb. So, you have made a fine piece of Churl. Laud ! how can you love a body so work on't indeed ! then? but I don't think you love me tho'-do Durn. Dear Tom, pardon me if I speak a lit
tle freely; I own the levity of her behaviour, at Darn. Yes, faith, I do; and so shamefully, this time, gives me harder thoughts than I once that I'm in hopes you doubt it.
believed it possible to have of her. Charl. Poor man! he'd fain bring me to rea- Col. Lamb. Indeed, my friend, you mistake her. son.
Darn. Nay, nay; had she any real concern Darn. I would indeed.--Nay, were it but pos- for me, the apprehensions of a man's addresses, sible to make you serious only when you should whom yet she never saw, must have alarmed her be so, I should think you the most amiable- to some degree of seriousness. Charl. O lud! be's civil
Col. Lamb. Not at all; for let this man be Darn. Come, come, you have good sense; use whom he will, I take her levity as a proof of her me but with that, and make me what you please. resolution to have nothing to say to him.
Charl. Laud ! I don't desire to make any thing Darn. And pray, sir, may I not as well susof you, not I.
pect, that this artful delay of her good nature to Darn. Don't look so cold upon me; by Hea- me now, is meant as a provisional defence against ven, I can't bear it.
my reproaches, in case, when she has seen this Charl. Well, now you are tolerable.
man, she should think it convenient to prefer Darn. Come then, be generous, and swear at him ? least you'll never marry another.
Col. Lamb. No, no; she's giddy, but not capaChurt. Ah, laud ! now you have spoiled all ble of so studied a falsehood. again :-besides, how can I be sure of that, be- Durn. But still, what could she mean by going fore I have seen this other man my brother spoke away so abruptly? to me of ?
Col. Lamb. You grew too grave for her. Durn. What riddle's this !
Darn. Why, who could bear such trifling? Col. Lamb. I told you, you did not know all. Col. Lamb. You should have laughed at her. To be serious, my father went out but now on Darn. I can't love at that easy rate. purpose to avoid you.--In short, he absolutely Col. Lumb. No-if you could, the uneasiness retracts his promises; says, he would not have would lie on her side. you fool away your time after my sister; and, in Darn. Do you then really think she has any plain terms told me, he had another man in his thing in her heart for me? head for her.
Col. Lumb. Ay, marry, sir-Ah! if you could Durn. Another man! who? what is he? did but get her to own that seriously now-Lord, not he name him?
how you could love her! Col. Lamb. No; nor has he yet spoke of him Darn. And so I could, by heaven. to my sister.
Col. Lamb. Well, well, I'll undertake for ber; Darn. This is unaccountable ! —what can have if my father don't stand in the way, we are well given him this sudden turn?
enough, Col. Lumb. Some wbim our conscientious doc- Durn. What says my lady? you don't think tor has put in his head, I'll lay my life.
she's against us? Darn. He! be can't be such a villain; he Col. Lamb. I dare say she is not. She's of so professes a friendship for me.
soft, so sweet a dispositionCol. Lamb. So much the worse.
Durn. Pr’ythee, how came so fine a woman Darn. But on what pretence, what grounds, to marry your father, with such a vast inequality what reason? what interest can he have to op- of years?
Col. Lamb. Want of fortune, Frank: She was Col. Lumb. Are you really now as unconcern- poor and beautiful-he rich and amorous she ed as you seem to be?
made him happy, and he her Charl. You are a strange dunce, brother- Darn. A lady
Col. Lamb. And a jointure-now she's the on- our family; what will become of us !--for friendly one in the family, that has power with our pre- ship- for charitycise doctor; and, I dare engage, she'll use it with Dr Cant. Enough; say no more, madam, I him to persuade my father from any thing that submit : while I can do good, it is my duty. is against your interest. By the way, you must
Enter Colonel LAMBERT and DARNLEY. know I have some shrewd suspicion, that this sanctified rogue is in love with her.
Col. Lamb. Your ladyship's most humble serDarn. In love!
Col. Lamb. You shall judge by the symptoms Old Lady Lamb. Grandson, how do you? but hush !-here he comes with my grandmo- Darn. Good day to you, doctor. ther-step this way, and I'll tell you. [Exeunt. Dr Cant. Mr Darnley, 1 am your most humble
servant: I hope you and the good colonel will Enter Doctor CANTWELL and old Lady LAM
stay, and join in the private duties of the family. BERT, followed by SEYWARD.
Old Lady Lumb. No, doctor, no; it is too Dr Cant. Charles, step up into my study; early; the sum has not risen upon them, but I bring down a dozen more of those manuals of doubt not, the day will come. devotion, with the last hymns I composed ; and, Dr Cant. I warrant they would go to a play when he calls, give them to Mr Maw-worm; and, do you hear, if any one enquires for me, say I am Old Lady Lamb. Would they ?
-I am afraid gone to Newgate, and the Marshalsca, to distri- they would bute alms,
(Exit SEYWARD. Darn. Why, I hope it is no sin, madam; if I Old Lady Lamb. Well; but, worthy doctor, am not mistaken, I have seen your ladyship at a: why will you go to the prisons yourself? cannot play. you send the money ?-Ugly distempers are often Old Lady Lamb. Me, sir !-see me at a play! catched there have a care of your health-let You may have seen the prince of darkness, or us keep one good man, at least, amongst us. some of his imps, in my likeness, perhaps
Dr Cant. Alas, madam, I am not a good man: Darn. Well, but madamI am a guilty, wicked sinner, full of iniquity; the Old Laily Lamb. Mr Darnley, do you think I greatest villain that ever breathed; every instant would commit a murder ! of my life is clouded with stains; it is one conti- Dr Cant. No, sir, no; these are not the plants nued series of crimes and defilements; you do usually to be met with in that rank soil; the not know what I am capable of; you indeed take seeds of wickedness indeed sprout up every where me for a good man; but the truth is, I am a too fast ; but a playhouse is the devil's hot-bed. worthless creature.
Col. Lamb. And, yet, doctor, I have known Old Lady Lamb. Have you then stumbled? some of the leaders of your tribe, as scrupulous Alas, if it be so, who shall walk upright ? What as they are, who have been willing to gather fruit horrid crime have you been hurried into, that there for the use of the brethren-as in case calls for this severe self-recrimination ?
of a benefit Dr Cant. None, madam, that perhaps huma- Dr Cunt. The charity covereth the sin; and nity may call very enormous; yet am I sure, it may be lawful to turn the wages of abominathat my thoughts never stray a moment from tion to the comfort of the rightcous. celestial contemplations? do they not sometimes, Col. Lamb. Ha, ha, ha! before I am aware, turn to things of this earth? Dr Cant. Reprobate, reprobate ! am I not often hasty, and surprised into wrath ? Col. Lamb. What is that you mutter, sirrah ? nay, the instance is recent; for, last night, being Old Lady Lamb. Oh, Heavens ! snarled at, and bit by Minxy, your daughter-in- Darn. Let him go, colonel. law's Jap-dog, I am conscious i struck the little Col. Lamb. A canting hypocrite! beast with a degree of passion, for which I have Dr Cant. Very well, sir : your father shall never been able to forgive myself since.
know my treatment.
[Erit. Old Lady Lamb. Oh, worthy, humble soul ! Old Lady Lamb. Let me run out of the house ; this is a slight offence, which your suffering and I shall have it fall upon my head, if I stay among mortifications may well atone for.
such wicked wretches. Oh, grandson, grandson! Dr Cant. No, madam, no; I want to suffer ;
(Exit, I ought to be mortified; and I am obliged now Darn. Was there ever so insolent a rascal ? to tell you, that, for my soul's sake, I must quit Col. Lamb. The dog will one day provoke me your good son's family ; I am pamper'd too much to beat his brains out. here, live too much at my ease.
Darn. But what the devil is he?-whence Old Lady Lamb. Good doctor!
comes he?—what is his original ?-how has he Dr Cant. Alas, madam! It is not you that so ingratiated himself with your father, as to get should shed tears; it is I ought to weep; you footing in the house? are a pure woman.
Col. Lamb. Oh, sir, he is here in quality of chaOld Lady Lamb. I pure ? who, I ?-no, no; plain; he was first introduced by the good old sinful, sinful! -But do not talk of quitting | lady that's just gone out. You know she has
been a long time a frequenter of our modern con- at the accident; what a ridiculous figure must venticles, where, it seems, she got acquainted she make-ha, ha, ha! with this sanctified pastor. His disciples believe Charl. Hah! you're as impudent as he, I think. him a saint, and my poor father, who has been Darn. Now, dear Tom, speak to her before for some time tainted with their pernicious prin- she goes. ciples, has been led into the same snare.
Charl. What does he say, brother? Darn. Ha ! here's your sister again.
Col. Lamb. Why, he wants to have me speak
to you, and I would have him do it himself. Enter CHARLOTTE and Doctor CANTWELL.
Charl. Ay, come do, Darnley; I am in a good
humour now. Charl. You'll find, sir, I will not be used thus; Darn. Oh, Charlotte, my heart is burstingnor shall your credit with my father protect your Charl. Well, well, out with it then. insolence to me.
Darn. Your father now, I see, is bent on partCol Lamb. What's the matter?
ing us- -nay, what's worse, perhaps, will give Chur. Nothing; pray be quiet—I don't want you to another-I cannot speak-imagine what you-stand out of the way—how durst you bolt I want from youwith such authority into my chamber, without Charl. Well-o lud! one looks so silly giving me notice?
though when one is serious-0 gad!--Inshort, Darn. Confusion !
I cannot get it out. Col. Lamb. Hold—if my father won't resent
Col. Lamb. I warrant you; try again. this, 'tis then time enough for me to do it.
Charl. O lud-well-if one must be teased, Dr. Cant. Compose yourself, madam ; I came then-why he must hope, I think. by your father's desire, who being informed that Darn. Is it possible ?- -thusyou were entertaining Mr Darnley, grew impa- Col. Lamb. Buz- -not a syllable: she has tient, and gave his positive commands that you done very well. I bar all heroics; if you press attend him instantly, or he himself, he says, will it too far, I'll hold six to four she's off again in a
moment. Darn. Ay, now the storm is rising.
Darn. I'm silenced. Dr. Cant. So, for what I have done, madam, I Charl. Now am I on tiptoe to know what odd had his authority, and shall leave him to answer
father las found out for me. you.
Darn. I'd give something to know him. Charl. 'Tis false. He gave you no authority
Charl. He's in a terrible fuss at your being to insult me; or, if he had, did you suppose I | bere, I find. would bear it from you? What is it you presume
Col. Lamb. 'Sdeath ! here he comes. upon? Your function? Does that exempt you Charl. Now we are all in a fine pickle. from the manners of a gentleman ?
Dr. Cant. Shall I have an answer to your fa- Sir JOHN LAMBERT enters hastily; and, looking ther, lady?
sternly at DARNLEY, takes CHARLOTTE unChurl. I'll send him none by you.
der his arm, and curries her off. Dr. Cant. I shall inform him so. [Erit. Col. Lamb. Son -well said, doctor. 'Tis Charl. A saucy puppy!
he, I am sure, has blown this fire: what horrid Col. Lamb. Pray, sister, what has the fellow bands is our poor family fallen into! and how done to you?
the rogue seems to triumph in his power :Charl. Nothing.
How little is my father like himself! By nature Darn. I beg you would tell us, madam. open, juist, and generous; but this vile hypocrite
Charl. Nay, no great matter-but I was sitting drives his weak passions like the wind; and I tarelessly in my dressing room—a—a fastening foresee, at last, something fatal will be the conmy garter, with my face just towards the door; sequence. and this impudent cur, without the least notice, Darn. Not if, by speedily detecting him, you comes bounce in upon memand my devilish hoop take care to prevent it. happening to hitch in the chair, I was an hour Col. Lamb. Why, I have a thought that might before I could get down my petticoats.
expose him to my father; and, in some unguardDarn. The rogue must be corrected.
ed hour, we may yet, perhaps, surprise this lurkCol. Lamb. Yet, 'egad, I cannot help laughing I ing thief without his holy vizor. (Exeunt.
Lady Lamb. You have rare courage, Charlotte;
if I had such a game to play, I should be frighted An Ante-Chamber in Sir JOHN LAMBERT'S
out of my wits. House. SEYWARD, \with a Writing in his
Char. Lord, madam, he'll make nothing of it, Hand.
depend upon it. Sey. 'Tis so- I have long suspected where Sir J. Lamb. Mind what I say to you. This his zeal would end; in the making of his private wonderful man, I say, first, in his public characfortune. But then, to found it on the ruin of his ter, is religious, zealous, and charitable. patron's children !-I shudder at the villainy, Char. Very well, sir. What desperation may a son be driven to, so bar- Sir J. Lamb. In his private character, sober. barously disinherited !-Besides, his daughter,
Char. I should hate a sot. fair Charlotte, too, is wronged ; wronged in the Sir J. Lamb. Chaste. tenderest point: for so extravagant is this settle- Char. A hem!
[Stifling a laugh. ment, that it leaves her not a shilling, umless she Sir J. Lamb. What is it you sneer at, madam? marries with the doctor's consent, which is in- -You want one of your fine gentlemen rakes, tended, by what I have heard, as an expedient to I suppose, that are snapping at every woman they oblige her to marry the doctor himself.– Now,
meet with ? 'twere but an honest part to let Charlotte know Char. No, no, sir; I am very well satisfiedthe snare that's laid for her. This deed's not I-I should not care for such a sort of a man, no signed and may be yet prevented. It shall be so. more than I should for one that every woman -Yes,charming creature-I adore you.—And, was ready to snap at. though I am sensible my passion is without hope, Sir J. Lumb. No; you'll be secure from jealI may indulge it thus far, at least; I may
have ousy; he has experience, ripeness of yearsthe merit of serving you, and perhaps the plea- he is almost forty-nine. Your sex's vanity will sure to know you think yourself obliged by me. have no charms for him.
Char. But all this while, sir, I don't find that Enter Sir JOHN, Lady LAMBERT, and CHAR- he has charms for our sex's vanity. How does
he look? Is he tall, well made? Does he dress, Sir J. Lamb. Oh, Seyward, your uncle wants sing, talk, laugh, and dance well ? Has he good you, to transcribe some hymns.
hair, good teeth, fine eyes ? Does he keep a Seya. Sir, I'll wait on him.
[Erit. chaise, coach, and vis-a-vis ? Has he six prancing Charl. A pretty well-bred fellow that. ponies? Does he wear the Prince's uniform, and
Sir J. Lamb. Ay, ay: but he has better quali- subscribe to Brookes's ? ties than his good breeding.
Sir J. Lamb. Was there ever so profligate a Charl. He's always clean, too.
creature! What will this age come to ! Sir J. Lamb. I wonder, daughter, when you will Lady Lamb. Nay, Charlotte, here I must be take notice of a man's real merit. Humph!--well against you. Now you are blind indeed. A wobred and clean, forsooth! Would not one think man's happiness has little to do with the pleasure now she was describing a cox- comb? When do her husband takes in his own person. you hear my wife talk at this rate? and yet she Sir J. Lamb. Right. is as young as your fantastical ladyship.
Lady Lamb. It is not how he looks, but how Lady Lamb. Charlotte is of a cheerful temper, he loves, is the point. my dear; but I know you don't think she wants Sir J. Lamb. Good again. discretion.
Lady Lamb. And a wife is much more secure Sir J. Lamb. I shall try that presently; and that has charms for her husband, than when the you, my dear, shall judge between us. In short, husband has only charms for her. daughter, your course of life is but one continual Sir J. Lamb. Admirable! Go on, my dear. round of playing the fool to no purpose ; and Lady Lamb. Do you think a woman of fivetherefore I am resolved to make you think seri- and-twenty may not be much happier with an ously, and marry.
honest man of fifty, than the finest woman of Char. That I shall do before I marry, sir, you fifty with a young fellow of five-and-twenty? may depend upon it.
Sir J. Lamb. Mark that. Sir J. Lamb. Um- -That I am not so sure Char. Ay, but when two five-and-twenties come of; but you may depend upon my having thought together!-dear papa, you must allow they have seriously, and that's as well; for the person I in- a chance to be fifty times as pleasant and frolicktend you, is, of all the world, the only man who can make you truly happy.
Sir J. Lamb. Frolicksome! Why, you sensual Char. And of all the world, sir, that's the only | idiot, what have frolics to do with solid happiness? man I'll positively marry.
I am ashamed of you-Go, you talk worse than