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SCENE I.-A street in Bath. | mind to gi't the slip, and whip! we were all off
at an hour's warning. Coachman crosses the stage-Enter Fag, looking Fag. Ay, ay! hasty in every thing, or it would after him.
not be sir Anthony Absolute. Fag. What! Thomas! Sure 'tis he?-What! Coach. But tell us, Mr Fag, how does young Thomas ! Thomas !
master? Odd! sir Anthony will stare to see the Coach. Hey! Odds life! Mr Fag! give us captain here! your hand, my old fellow-servant.
Fag. I do not serve captain Absolute now. Fag. Excuse my glove, Thomas !—I'm devilish | Coach. Why, sure! glad to see you, my lad: why, my prince of cha-| Fag. At present I am employed by ensign Berioteers, you look as hearty But who the deuce verley. thought of seeing you in Bath!
Coach. I doubt, Mr Fag, you ha’n’t changed Coach. Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, for the better. Mrs Kate, and the postillion, be all come.
Fag. I have not changed, Thomas. Fag. Indeed!
Coach. No! why, didn't you say you had left Coach. Ay! Master thought another fit of the young master ! gout was coming to make him a visit; so he'd al Fag. No. Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle
you no farther-briefly then-Captain Absolute polish a little; indeed you must- Here, now, and ensign Beverley are one and the same per- this wig! what the devil do you do with a wig,
Thomas ? none of the London whips of any de Coach. The devil they are !
| gree of ton wear wigs now. Fag. So it is indeed, Thomas; and the en- Coach. More's the pity! more's the pity, I sign-half of my master being on guard at pre- say! Odd's life! when I heard how the lawyers sent—the captain has nothing to do with me. and doctors had took to their own hair, I thought
Coach. So, so! what, this is some freak, I how 'twould go next: Odd rabbit it! when the warrant! Do tell us, Mr Fag, the meaning o't fashion had got foot on the bar, I guessed 'twould you know I ha' trusted you.
mount to the box ! but 'tis all out of character, Fag. You'll be secret, Thomas?
believe me, Mr Fag : and look'ee, I'll never gi' Coach. As a coach-horse.
up mine; the lawyers and doctors may do as Fag. Why, then, the cause of all this is they will. love-love, Thomas, who (as you may get read to . Fag. Well, Thomas, we'll not quarrel about you) has been a masquerader ever since the days that. of Jupiter.
Coach. Why, bless you, the gentlemen of they Coach. Ay, ay; I guessed there was a lady in professions ben't all of a mind; for, in our vilthe case : but pray, why does your master pass lage now, thof Jack Gauge, the exciseman, has only for ensign? now, if he had shammed ge- ta'en to his carrots, there's little Dick, the farneral indeed
rier, swears he'll never forsake bis bob, though Fay. Ah! Thomas, there lies the mystery of all the college should appear with their own the matter. Hark'e, Thomas; my master is in heads ! love with a lady of a very singular taste : a lady, Fag. Indeed! well said, Dick! but holdwho likes him better as a half-pay ensign, than mark! mark! Thomas. if she knew he was son and heir to sir Anthony Coach. Zooks ! 'tis the captain! Is that the Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a-year. lady with him?
Coach. That is an odd taste indeed but has Fag. No, no! that is madam Lucy, my masshe got the stuff, Mr Fag? is she rich, hey? ter's mistress's maid. They lodge at that house.
Fag. Rich! why, I believe she owns half the But I must after him, to tell him the news. stocks! Zounds! Thomas, she could pay the na- | Coach. Odd! he's giving her money! well, tional debt as easily as I could my washerwoman! Mr Fag She has a lap-dog that eats out of gold; she Fag. Good by, Thomas ! I have an appointfeeds her parrot with small pearls; and all her ment in Gyde's Porch this evening at eight; meet thread papers are made of bank-notes!
me there, and wc'll make a little party. Coach. 'Bravo! faith! Odd! I warrant she
[Ereunt severally. has a set of thousands at least : but does she draw kindly with the captain? Fag. As fond as pigeons.
SCENE II.-A dressing-room in Mrs MalaCoach. May one hear her name?
PROP's lodgings. Fag. Miss Lydia Languish. But there is an | Lydia sitting on a sopha, with a book in her old tough aunt in the way; though, by the by,
hand. she has never seen my master; for he got acquainted with miss while on a visit in Glouces Enter Lucy, as just returned from a message. tershire.
Coach. Well, I wish they were once harnessed Lucy. Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the together in matrimony. But pray, Mr Fag, what town in search of it: I don't believe there's a kind of a place is this Bath: I ha' heard a deal circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at. of it; here's a mort o' merry making-hey? ] Lydia. And could not you get "The Reward
Fag. Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well ; 'tis al of Constancy? good lounge: In the morning we go to the pump Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am. room (though neither my master nor I drink the Lydia. Nor · The Fatal Connection? waters); after breakfast, we saunter on the pa- Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am. rades, or play a game at billiards; at night we Lydia. Nor "The Mistakes of the Heart." dance: but damn the place, I'm tired of it; their Lucy. Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Mr regular bours stupify me! not a fiddle nor a card Bull said Miss Sukey Saunter had just fetched it after eleven! bowever, Mr Faulkland's gentle away. man and I keep it up a little in private parties. Lydia. Heigh-ho!–Did you inquire for “The I'll introduce you there, Thomas; you'll like him | Delicate Distress?' much.
Lucy. Or, « The Memoirs of Lady Coach. Sure I know Mr Du-Peigo; you know | Woodford? Yes indeed, ma'am. I asked every his master is to marry madam Julia.
where for it; and I might have brought it from Fag. I had forgot, But, Thomas, you must | Mr Frederick's; but lady Slattern Lounger, wha
had just sent it home, had so soiled and dog's-1 known to him-But it is a Delia or a Celia, I eared it, it wa’n't fit for a christian to read. assure you !
Lydia. Heigh-ho!-Yes, I always know when | Julia. Then, surely, she is now more indulLady Slattern has been before me. She has a gent to her niece? most observing thumb; and, I believe, cherishes | Lydia. Quite the contrary. Since she has disher nails for the convenience of making marginal covered her own frailty, she is become more susnotes. Well, child, what have you brought me? picious of mive. Then I must inform you of Lucy. Oh! here, ma'am.
another plague! That odious Acres is to be in [Taking books from under her cloak, and Bath to-day; so that I protest I shall be teased from her pockets.
out of all spirits ! This is * The Gordian Knot,' and this · Pere- | Julia. Come, come, Lvdia, hope for the best. grine Pickle. Here are · The Tears of Sensibi- Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs Mality,' and Humphrey Clinker.' This is · The laprop. Meinoirs of a Lady of Quality, written by her- Lydia. But you have not heard the worst : self,' and here the second volume of · The Sen- Unfortunately I had quarrelled with my poor timental Journey.'
Beverley, just before my aunt made the disLydia. Heigh-ho! What are those books by covery, and I have not seen him since, to make the glass?
Lucy. The great one is only (The Whole Julia. What was his offence ? Duty of Man,' where I press a few blonds, Lydia. Nothing at all! But, I don't know how ma'am.
it was, as often as we had been together, we had Lydia. Very well. Give me the sal volatile. never had a quarrel : And, somehow, I was afraid Lucy. Is it in a blue cover, ma'am?
he would never give me an opportunity. So, last Lydia. My smelling bottle, you simpleton ! Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to inform Lucy. O, the drops! bere, ina'am.
myself that Beverley was at that time paying his Lydia. Hold! here's some one coming-quick, addresses to another woman. signed it . Your see who it is
[Exit Lucy. Friend Unknown,' shewed it to Beverley, charged Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice !
him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent
passion, and vowed I'd never see him more. Re-enter Lucy.
Julia. And you let him depart so, and have Lucy. Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville ! not seen him since ? Lydia. Is it possible?
Lydia. 'Twas the next day my aunt found the
matter out. I intended only to have teased him Enter JULIA.
three days and a half, and now I've lost him for
ever. My dearest Julia, how delighted am I! [Em Julia. If he is as deserving and sincere as you brace.] How unexpected was this happiness! have represented bin to me, he will never give
Julia. True, Lydia ; and our pleasure is the you up so. Yet consider, Lydia; you tell me he greater; but what has been the matter? You is but an ensign, and you have thirty thousand were denied to me at first !
pounds! Lydia. Ah, Julia, I have a thousand things to Lydia. But you know I lose most of my fortell you ! but first inform me what has conjured tune it I marry without my aunt's consent, till of you to Bath? Is sir Anthony here?
age; and that is what I have determined to do, Julia. He is; we are arrived within this hour; | ever since I knew the penalty. Nor could I love aud, I suppose, he will be here to wait on Mrs the man, who would wish to wait a day for the Malaprop as soon as he is dressed.
alternative. Lydia. Then, before we are interrupted, let | Julia. Nay, this is caprice! me impart to you some of my distress! I know Lydia. What, does Julia tax me with caprice? your gentle nature will sympathize with me, I thought her lover Faulkland had inured her though your prudence may condemn me: My 1 to it. letters have informed you of my whole connec- Julia. I do not love even his faults. tion with Beverley—but I have lost him, Julia ! | Lydia. But apropos ! you have sent to him, I My aunt has discovered our intercourse, by a suppose ? note she intercepted, and has confined me ever | Julia. Not yet, upon my word ! nor has he the since. Yet, would you believe it? she has fallen least idea of my being in Bath. Sir Anthony's absolutely in love with a tall Irish baronet she resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him met one night since we have been here, at lady of it, Macshuffle's rout.
Lydia. Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, Julia. You jest, Lydia?
(though under the protection of sir Anthony) yet Lydia. No, upon my word! She really carries have you, for this long year, been a slave to the on a kind of correspondence with him, under a caprice, the whin, the jealousy of this ungrateful feigoed name though, till she chooses to be Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the Vol. II.
rights of a husband, while you suffer him to be to Faulkland. There---through my room you'll equally imperious as a lover.
find another stair-case. Julia. Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were Julia. Adieu !-[Embrace.] contracted before my father's death. That, and
[Erit JULIA soine consequent embarrassments, have delayed Lydia. Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. what I know to be my Faulkland's most ardent Quick, quick! Fling Peregrine Pickle under the wish. He is too generous to trifle on such a toilet-throw Roderick Random into the closet point. And, for his character, you wrong him -put the Innocent Adultery into the whole there, too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too noble Duty of Man-thrust Lord Ainworth under the to be jealous; if he is captious, ''tis without dis- sopha-cram Ovid behind the bolster-thereseinbling; if fretful, without rudeness. Unused put the Man of Feeling into your pocket-50, so; to the fopperies of love, he is negligent of the now, lay Mrs Chapone in sight, and leave Forlittle duties expected from a lover-but being dyce's Sermons open on the table. pnbackneyed in the passion, bis affection is ar Lucy. O burn it ! Madam, the hair-dresser has dent and sincere; and, as it engrosses his whole torn away as far as Proper Pride. soul, he expects every thought and emotion of Lydia. Never mind-open at Sobriety. Fling his mistress to more in vpison with his. Yet, me Lord Chesterfield's Letters. Now for them. though bis pride calls for this full return, bis humility makes hin uudervalue those qualities in
Enter Mrs MalaPROP, and SIR ANTHONY ABhim, which would entitle him to it; and, not feel
SOLUTE. ing why he should be loved to the degree he Mrs Mal. There, sir Anthony, there sits the wishes, he still suspects that he is not loved deliberate simpleton, who wants to disgrace her enough. This teinper, I must own, has cost me family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth many unhappy hours; but I have learned to a shilling think iyself his debtor, for those imperfertions
Lydia. Madam, I thought you oncewhich arise from the ardour of his attachment. Mrs Mal You thought, miss! I don't know
Lydia. Well, I cannot blame you for de fend- | any business you have to think at all. Thought ing him. But, tell me candidly, Julia, had he does not become a young woman. But the point never saved your life, do you think you should we would request of you is, that you will promise have been aitached to him as you are? Believe to forget this fellow- to illiterate him, I say, me, the rude blast, that overset your boat, was a quite from your memory. prosperous gale of love to him.
Lydia. Ah, madam !' our memories are indeJulia. Gratitude may have strengthened my pendent of our wills. It is not easy to forget. attachment to Mr Faulkland, but I loved him be Airs Mal. But I say it is, miss; there is nofore he had preserved me; yet, surely, that alone thing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person were an obligation sutficient
chooses to sot about it. I'm sure I have as Lydia. Obligation! Why, a water-spaniel much forgot your poor dear uncle, as if he had would have done as much ! Well, I should never | never existed--and I thought it my duty so to think of giving my heart to a man, because he du; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent mecould swim!
mories don't become a young woman. Julia. Come, Lydia, you are too inconside- Sir Anth. Why, sure she won't pretend to rerate.
member what she's ordered not! Ay, this comes Lydia. Nay, I do but jest. What's here? of her reading!
Lydia. What crime, madam, have I commitEnter Lucy, in a hurry.
ted to be treated thus? Lucy. O, madam, here is sir Anthony Abso-1 Mrs Mal. Now, don't attempt to extirpate lute just come home with your aunt !
vourself from the matter; you know I have proof Lydia. They'll not come here. Lucy, do you controvertible of it. But tell me, will you prowatch.
[Erit Lucy. mise to do as you are bid? Will you take a husJulia. Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not band of your friends' choosing? know I am here, and if we meet, he'll detain Lydia. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that me, to shew me the town. I'll take another op- bad I no preference for any one else, the choice portunity of paving my respects to Mrs Mala- | you have made would be my aversion. prop, when she shall treat me, as long as she Mrs Mal. What business have you, miss, with chooses, with her select words so ingeniously preference and aversion? They don't become a misapplied, without being mispronounced. young woman; and you ought to know, that, as
both always wear off, 'tis safest in matrimony to Re-enter Lucy.
begin with a little aversion. I'm sure I hated Lucy. O lud! Ma'am, they are both coming vour poor dear uncle before marriage as if he'd up stairs !
been a black-a-moor--and yet, miss, you are senLydia. Well, i'll not detain you, coz. Adieu, sible what a wife I made ! and when it pleased my dear Julia; I'm sure you are in baste to send Heaven to releasc me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed! But suppose we were going Sir Anth. Well, well, Mrs Malaprop, I will to give you another choice, will you promise us dispute the point no further with you; though, I to give up this Beverley?
must confess, that you are a truly moderate and Lydia. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to polite arguer, for almost every third word you give that promise, my actions would certainly as say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs far belie my words.
| Malaprop, to the more important point in deMrs Mal. Take yourself to your room. You bate---you say you have no objection to my proare fit company for nothing but your own ill hu- | posal ? mours.
Mrs Mal. None, I assure you. I am under Lydia. Willingly, madam--- I cannot change for no positive engagement with Mr Acres; and as the worse.
Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your
[Erit Lydia. / son may have better success. Mrs Mal. There's a little intricate- hussy for Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write for the . you!
boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this Sir Anth. It is not to be wondered at, madam; yet, though I have for some time had the propoall this is the natural consequence of teaching sal in my head. He is at present with his regigirls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by ment. Heaven, I'd as soon have them taught the black Mrs Mal. We have never seen your son, sir art as their alphabet!
Anthony; but I hope no objection on bis side? Mrs Mal. Nay, nay; sir Anthony, you are an Sir Anth. Objection! Let him object if he absolute misanthropy.
dare! No, no, Mrs Malaprop, Jack knows that Sir Anth. In my way hither, Mrs Malaprop, I the least demur puts me in a phrenzy directly, observed your niece's maid coming forth from a My process was always very simple; in their circulating library; she had a book in each hand; younger days, 'twas Jack do this ;' if he demurthey were half-bound volumes, with marble co- red, I knocked him down ; and if he grumbled at vers; from that moment I guessed how full of that, I always sent him out of the room. duty I should see her mistress.
/!rs Mal. Ay; and the properest way, o'my Mrs Mal. Those are vile places, indeed! conscience ! Nothing is so conciliating to young
Sir Anth. Madam, a circulating library in a people as severity. Well, sir Anthony, I shall town, is as an ever-green tree of diabolical know- give Mr Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia ledge; it blossoms through the year : and, de- to receive your son's invocations, and I hope pend on it, Mrs Malaprop, that they, who are so you will represent her to the captain as an object fond of handling the leaves, will long for the fruit not altogether illegible. at last.
Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject Mrs Mal. Fie, fie; sir Anthony, you surely I pradently. Well, I must leave you; and let me speak laconically.
beg you, Mrs Malaprop, to enforce this matter Sir Anth. Why, Mrs Malaprop, in moderation, roundly to the girl; take my advice, keep a tight now, what would you have a woman know? Thand; if she rejects this proposal, clap her under
Mrs Mal. Observe me, sir Anthony. I would lock and key; and if you were just to let the serby no means wish a daughter of mine to be a vants forget to bring her dinner for three or four progeny of learning; I dou't think so much learn- days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. ing becomes a young woman; for instance--I
[Erit Sir ANTA, would never let her meddle with Greek, or e Mrs Mal. Well; at any rate I shall be glad to brew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or para- get her from under my intuition. She has somedoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learn- | how discovered my partiality for sir Lucius (ing; neither would it be necessary for her to Trigger---sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me! handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, No; the girl is such a simpleton, I should have diabolical instruments : but, sir Anthony, I would made her confess it. Lucy! Lucy !--[Calls.
send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should · in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. never have trusted her.
Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; and, as she grew up, I would
Enter Lucy. have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries; but Lucy. Did you call, madam? above all, sir Anthony, she should be mistress of Mrs Mul. Yes, girl. Did you see sir Lucius orthodoxy, that she might not mis-spell, and mis-while you was out? pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually. Lucy. No, indeed, madam, not a glimpse of do; and likewise that she might reprehend the him. true meaning of what she is saying. This, sir Mrs Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you never Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; mentioned and I don't think there is a superstitious article Lucy. O gemini ! I'd sooner cut my tongue in it.