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Mrs Mal. Well; don't let your simplicity be mposed on.

Lucy. No, madam.

away with an ensign! In money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve--gowns, five---hats, ruffles, caps, &c.---numberless! From the said ensign, Mrs Mal. So, come to me presently, and I'll within this last month, six guineas and a half---give you another letter to sir Lucius; but mind, About a quarter's pay! Item. From Mrs MalaLucy, if ever you betray what you are intrusted prop, for betraying the young people to her--with (unless it be other people's secrets to me when I found matters were likely to be discoveryou forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your ed--two guineas, and a black padusoy. Item, being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your lo- From Mr Acres, for carrying divers letters--cality. [Exit MRS MAL. which I never delivered---two guineas, and a pair Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! So, my dear simplicity, let of buckles. Item, From sir Lucius Trigger, me give you a little respite-[Altering her man- three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silner.]-let girls in my station be as fond as they ver snuff-box! Well done, simplicity! Yet I was please of appearing expert, and knowing in their forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he trusts; commend me to a mask of silliness, and a was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it! the niece: for, though not over-rich, I found he Let me see! to what account have I turned my had too much pride and delicacy to sacritice the simplicity lately-[Looks at a paper.]-For abet-feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his ting Miss Lydia Lauguish in a design of running

fortune.

ACT II.

SCENE I.--CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE'S Lodgings. Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG. Fag. SIR, while I was there, sir Anthony came in: I told him, you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you. Abs. And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

Fag. Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished; he started back two or three paces, rapt out a dozen interjectural oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here?

Abs. Well, sir, and what did you say?

Fag. O, I lied, sir; I forget the precise lie: but you may depend on't, he got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath: in order that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir; very curious indeed,

Abs. You have said nothing to them?—————
Fag. O, not a word, sir; not a word. Mr
Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to
be the discreetest of whips) -

Abs. 'Sdeath! You rascal! You have not trusted him?

Fug. O, no, sir; no, no; not a syllable, upon my veracity! He was, indeed, a little inquisitive, but I was sly, sir, devilish sly!-My master (said I), honest Thomas, (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors) is come to Bath to recruit -Yes, sir, I said, to recruit; and whether for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

Abs. Well, recruit will do; let it be so

[Exit.

Fug. O, sir, recruit will do surprisingly-indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already inlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard markers.

Abs. You blockhead, never say more than is necessary!

Fag. I beg pardon, sir, I beg pardon; but, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

Abs. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much security.-Is Mr Faulk

land returned?

Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress.

Abs. Can you tell whether he has been informed of sir Authony's and Miss Melville's arrival?

Fag. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in, but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol. I think, sir, I hear Mr Faulkland coming down.

Abs. Go, tell him, I am here.

Fag. Yes, sir. [Going.] I beg pardon, sir; but should sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember, that we are recruiting, if you please?

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Enter FAULKLAND.

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again! you are punctual in your return.

Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain mc, when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since I left you? How stand matters between you and Lydia?

Abs. Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

whom only I value mine. O, Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension!

Abs. Ay, but we may chuse whether we will take the hint or not. So then, Faulk land, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content?

Faulk. I should be happy beyond measure-I am anxious only for that.

Abs. Then, to cure your anxiety at once- -Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this mo

Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune?ment in Bath. You forget that, my friend. No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

Faulk. Nay, then, you trifle too long-if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to sir Anthony for his con

sent.

Abs. Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: No, no; I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her, before I risk it. Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the hotel?

Faulk. Indeed, I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

Abs. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, corrigible lover! Do love like a man.

Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me. Abs. She is arrived here, with my father, within this hour.

Faulk. Can you be serious?

Abs. I thought you knew sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind. Seriously, then, it is as I tell you-upon my honour.

Faulk. My dear friend!-Hollo, Du Peigne! my hat-my dear Jack-now, nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

Enter FAG.

Fag. Sir, Mr Acres, just arrived, is below. Abs. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her.— Fag, shew the gentleman up. [Exit FAG.

Faulk. What, is he much acquainted in the fa

in-mily?

Faulk. I own I am unfit for company. Abs. Am not I a lover, ay, and a romantic one too? Yet, do I carry every where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain?

Faulk. Ah, Jack! your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing-you could stake, and throw again: but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were to be stript of all.

Abs. But, for Heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present?

Abs. O, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character will divert you. Faulk. Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

Abs. He is likewise a rival of mine-that is of my other self's, for he does not think his friend captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed, sculking rival, who--

Faulk. Hush! he's here.

Enter ACRES.

Acres. Hah! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how dost thou? just arrived, faith, as you see. Sir, your humble servant. Warm work on the roads, Jack-Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a comet, with a tail of dust all the way as long as the Mall.

Faulk. What grounds for apprehension did you say? Heavens! are there not a thousand? I fear for her spirits, her health, her life-My absence may fret her; her anxiety for my return, Abs. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric her fears for me, may oppress her gentle temper.planet; but we know your attraction hither And for her health-does not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected her! The heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for

Give me leave to introduce Mr Faulkland to you. Mr Faulkland, Mr Acres.

Acres. Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: Sir, I solicit your connexions.-Hey, Jack, what, this is Mr Faulkland, who

Abs. Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr Faulkland,

Acres. Odso! she and your father can be but just arrived before me-I suppose you have seen them. Ah! Mr Faulkland, you are indeed a happy raan.

you see she has been all mirth and song-not a thought of me!

Faulk. I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir; I hope she enjoyed full health and spirits in De-ber vonshire?

Acres. Never knew her better in my life, sir; never better. Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German Spa.

Faulk. Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

Acres. False, false, sir; only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure you.

Faulk. There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted myself ill. Abs. Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick!

Faulk. No, no; you misunderstand me: yet surely, a little trifling indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we love. Now, confess, isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health?

Abs. O, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure!

Acres. Good apartments, Jack.

Faulk. Well, sir, but you was saying, that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well-what, then, she has been merry and gay, I suppose? Always in spirits, hey?

Acres. Merry! odds crickets, she has been the bell and spirit of the company wherever she has been-so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour!

Faulk. There, Jack, there! O, by my soul, there is an innate levity in woman, that nothing can overcome! What! happy and I away?

Abs. Have done: How foolish this is! just now, you were only apprehensive for your mistress's spirits.

Faulk. Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

Abs. No, indeed, you have not.
Faulk. Have I been lively and entertaining?
Abs. O, upon my word, I acquit you.

Faulk. Have I been full of wit and humour? Abs. No, faith; to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed.

Acres. What's the matter with the gentleman? Abs. He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy, that's all-hey, Faulkland?

Faulk. Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it-yes, yes, she has a happy disposition!

Acres. That she has indeed-then she is so accomplished, so sweet a voice, so expert at her harpsichord, such a mistress of flat and sharpsquallante, rumblante, and quiverante !-there was this time month, odds minnums and crotchets! how she did chirup at Mrs Piano's concert! Faulk. There again, what say you to this?

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Abs. Pho! man, is not music the food of love?
Faulk. Well, well, it may be so.-Pray, Mr
what's his damned name?-Do you remem-
what songs Miss Melville sung?
Acres. Not I indeed.

Abs. Stay now, they were some pretty melancholy purling-stream airs, I warrant; perhaps you may recollect; did she sing- When absent from my soul's delight?'

Acres. No, that wa'n't it.

Abs. Or Go, gentle gales - Go, gentle gales!'

[Sings. Acres. O no! nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them- My heart's my own, my will is free.' [Sings.

Faulk. Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! 'Sdeath! to make herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! to sooth her light heart with catches and glees! What can you say to this, sir?

Abs. Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir.

Faulk. Nay, nay, nay; I'm not sorry that she has been happy-no, no; I am glad of that—I would not have had her sad or sick-yet, surely, a sympathetic heart would have shewn itself even in the choice of a song-she might have been teinperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay-but she has been dancing too, I doubt not! Acres. What does the gentleman say about dancing?

Abs. He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings.

Acres. Aye, truly, does she-there was at our last race-ball

Faulk. Hell and the devil! There! there-I told you so! I told you so! Oh! she thrives in my absence!-Dancing! but her whole feelings have been in opposition with mine. I have been anxious, silent, pensive, sedentary-my days have been hours of care, my nights of watchfulness. She has been all health! spirit! laugh! song! dance!-Oh! damned, damned levity!

Abs. For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so! Suppose she has danced, what then does not the ceremony of society often oblige

Faulk. Well, well, I'll contain myself-perhaps, as you say, for form sake. What, Mr Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of dancing a minuet, hey?

Acres. O, I dare ensure her for that-but what I was going to speak of was her country dancing: Odds swimmings! she has such an air with her!

Faulk. Now disappointment on her!-defend this, Absolute! why don't you defend this?Country-dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame now? A minuet I could have forgiven-I should not have minded that-I say I should not have

regarded a minuet; but country-dances!-Zounds! had she made one in a cotillion, I believe I could have forgiven that; but to be monkey-led for a night! to run the gauntlet through a string of amorous palming puppies! to shew paces like a managed filly!—O Jack, there never can be but one man in the world, whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a countrydance; and even then, the rest of the couples should be her great uncles and aunts!

Abs. Ay, to be sure! grandfathers and grandmothers!

Faulk. If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion; the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig; their quivering, warm-breathed sighs, impregnate the very air; the atmosphere becomes electrical to love; and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain !~! must leave you- own I am somewhat urried; and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going. Abs. Nay, but stay, Faukland, and thank Mr Acres for his good news!

Faulk. Damn his news! [Exit FAULK. Abs. Ha, ha, ha! poor Faulkland! Five minutes since, nothing on earth could give him a moment's uneasiness!

Acres. The gentleman was not angry at my praising his mistress! was he?

Abs. A little jealous, I believe, Bob. Acres. You don't say so? Ha, ha! jealous of me! that's a good joke!

Abs. There's nothing strange in that, Eob; le: me tell you, that sprightly grace, and insinuating manner of yours, will do some mischief among the girls here!

Acres. Ah, you joke! ha, ha, mischief! ha, ha! but, you know, I am not my own property; my dear Lydia has forestalled me! She could never abide me in the country, because I used to dress so badly; but odds frogs and tambours, I shan't take matters so here-now, ancient madam has no voice in it-I'll make my old clothes know who's master-I shall straightway cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable-My hair has been in training some

time.

Abs. Indeed!

Acres. Aye; and tho'ff the side curls are a little restive, my hind-part takes it very kindly.

Abs. O, you'll polish, I doubt not. Acres. Absolutely I propose so-then, if I can find out this ensign Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't.

Abs. Spoke like a man!-but pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a new method of swearing

Acres. Ha, ha! you've taken notice of it-'tis genteel, is not it?-I did not invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common oaths; and that nothing but

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their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by Venus! or by Pallas! according to the sentiment; so that, to swear with propriety, says my little major, the oath should be an echo to the sense; and this we call the oath referential, or sentimental swearing, ha, ha, ha! 'tis genteel, is not it?

Abs. Very genteel, and very new, indeed; and, I dare say, will supplant all other figures of imprecation.

Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obso lete-Damns have had their day.

Enter FAG.

Fag. Sir, there is a gentlemen below desires to see you-Shall I shew him into the parlour? Abs. Ay; you may.

Acres. Well, I must be gone-
Abs. Stay; who is it, Fag?
Fag. Your father, sir.

Abs. You puppy, why did not you shew him up directly? [Exit FAG. Acres. You have business with sir Anthony. I expect a message from Mrs Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack; we must meet at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

Abs. That I will with all my heart. [Erit ACRES.] Now for a parental lecture. I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here. I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul!

Enter SIR ANTHONY.

Sir, I am delighted to see you here; and looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir Anth. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.. What! you are recruiting here, hey?

Abs. Yes, sir; I am on duty.

Sir Anth. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it; for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

Abs. Pardon me, sir! I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray fervently that you may continue so.

Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit.

Abs. Sir, you are very good.

Sir Anth And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world.

I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence.

Abs. Sir, your kindness overpowers me-such generosity makes the gratitude of reason more lively than the sensations even of filial affection. Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of my attention; and you shall be master of a large estate in a few weeks.

Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude; I cannot express the sense I have of your munificence. Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army?

Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife chooses.

Abs. My wife, sir!

Sir Anth. Ay, ay; settle that between you; settle that between you.

Abs. A wife, sir! did you say?

Sir Anth. Ay, a wife; why, did not I mention her before?

Abs. Not a word of her, sir.

Sir Anth. Odd so!-I must not forget her though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of, is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with a wife; but, I suppose, that makes no difference?

Abs. Sir, sir!-you amaze me!

Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now, you were all gratitude and duty.

Abs. I was, sir-ycu talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife!

Sir Anth. Why, what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands.

Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the purchase.Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly.

Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of!

Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of.

Abs. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly, that my inclinations are fixed on another-my heart is engaged to an angel!

Sir Anth. Then, pray, let it send an excuse. It is very sorry-but business prevents its waiting on her.

Abs. But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, 1 suppose; so there can be no loss there.

Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you. Sir Anth. Hark'e, Jack ;-I have heard you

for some time with patience-I have been coolquite cool; but take care-you know I am complaisance itself—when I am not thwarted;—no one more easily led, when I have my own way; -but don't put me in a phrenzy.

Abs. Sir, I must repeat it-in this, I cannot obey you.

Sir Anth. Now, damn me if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word-not a word--not one word! so give me your promise by a nod-and I'll tell you what, Jack—I mean, you dog-if you don't, by

Abs. What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness? to

Sir Anth. Zounds, sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy; and the beard of a Jew:-she shall be all this, sirrah!—yet, I will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

Abs. This is reason and moderation, indeed! Sir Anth. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes!

Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir; none of your violence, if you please-It won't do with me, I promise you.

Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my

life.

Sir Anth. 'Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word!

Sir Anth. So you will fly out? can't you be cool, like me? What the devil good can passion do?-Passion is of no service; you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! There, you sneer again!-don't provoke me !-but you rely upon the mildness of my temper-you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet, take care-the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!-but mark! I give you six hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any condition, to do every thing on earth that I choose, why-confound you! [ may in time forgive you-If not, zounds, don't enter the same hemisphere with me! don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an atmosphere and a sun of your own! I'll strip you of your commission; I'll lodge a five-and-threepence in the hands of trustees, and you shall live on the interest.—I'll dis

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