SCENE I.-The Tavern. ACT III. SACKBUT and the Colonel, in an Egyptian dress. Sack. A lucky beginning, colonel-————you have got the old beau's consent. Col. Ay, he's a reasonable creature; but the other three will require some pains.-Shall I pass upon him, think you? 'Egad, in my mind, I look as antique as if I had been preserved in the ark. Sack. Pass upon him! ay, ay, as roundly as white wine dash'd with sack does for mountain and sherry, if you have assurance enough Col. I have no apprehension from that quarter; assurance is the cockade of a soldier. Sack. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier differs much from that of a traveller.—Can you lie with a good grace? Col. As heartily, when my mistress is the prize, as I would meet the foe, when my country called, and king commanded; so don't you fear that part: if he don't know me again, I am safe -I hope he'll come. Sack. I wish all my debts would come as sure. I told him you had been a great traveller, had many valuable curiosities, and was a person of a most singular caste. He seemed transported, and begged me to keep you till he came. Col. Ay, ay; he need not fear my running away. Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ancestors drank sack. Sack. You shall have it. Col. And whereabouts is the trap-door you mentioned? [Erit. Sack. There's the conveyance, sir. Col. Now, if I should cheat all these roguish guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, it would be what the French call a grand coup d'eclat-Odso! here comes Periwinkle.Ah! Deuce take this beard; pray Jupiter it does not give me the slip, and spoil all! Enter SACKBUT with wine, and PERIWINKLE following. Sack. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have been a great traveller, and a person of fine speculation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he is a man of a curious taste himself. Col. The gentleman has it in his face and garb Sir, you are welcome. Per. Sir, I honour a traveller, and men of your inquiring disposition; the oddness of your habit pleases me exceedingly; 'tis very antique; | Per. A hundred and thirty-five! why, that's prodigious, now!-Well, certainly 'tis the finest thing in the world to be a traveller. Col. For my part, I value none of the modern fashions a fig-leaf. Per. No more don't I, sir; I had rather be the jest of a fool, than his favourite.—I am laughed at here for my singularity-This coat, you must know, sir, was formerly worn by that ingenious and very learned person, Mr John Tradescant, of Lambeth. Col. John Tradescant! Let me embrace you, sir-John Tradescant was my uncle by my mo ther's side; and I thank you for the honour you do his memory; he was a very curious man, indeed. Per. Your uncle, sir!--Nay, then, 'tis no wonder that your taste is so retined; why, you have it in your blood.—— My humble service to you, sir; to the immortal memory of John Tradescant, your never-to-be-forgotten uncle! Col. Give me a glass, landlord. [Drinks. Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine; Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of apothecaries' cordials-Oh, that I had lived in your uncle's days! or rather, that he were now alive!-Oh, how proud he'd be of such a nephew ! Sack. Oh, pox! that would have spoil'd the jest. [Aside. Per. A person of your curiosity must have collected many rarities. Col. I have some, sir, which are not yet come ashore; as, an Egyptian idol. Per. Pray, what may that be? Col. It is, sir, a kind of ape, which they formerly worshipped in that country; I took it from the breast of a female mummy. Per. Ha, ha! our women retain part of their idolatry to this day; for many an ape lies upon a lady's bosom: ha, ha! Sack. A smart old thief. [Aside. Col. Two tusks of an hippopotamus, two pair of Chinese nut-crackers, and one Egyptian mummy. Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocodile? Col. Humph!-The boatswain brought one with a design to shew it; but touching at Rotterdam, and hearing it was no rarity in England, he sold it to a Dutch poet. Sack. The devil's in that nation, it rivals us in every thing! Per. I should have been very glad to have seen a living crocodile. Col. My genius led me to things more worthy of regardSir, I have seen the utmost limits of this globular world; I have seen the sun rise | ports none of them; they would certainly find and set; know in what degree of heat he is at their account in them. noon, to the breadth of a hair; and what quantity of combustibles he burns in a day; and how much of it turns to ashes, and how much to cinders. Col. Descartes, with the rest of his brethren, both ancient and modern, knew nothing of the matter.—I tell you, sir, that nature admits of an annual decay, though imperceptible to vulgar eyes. Sometimes his rays destroy below, sometimes above.You have heard of blazing comets, I suppose? Per. Yes, yes; I remember to have seen one; and our astrologers tell us of another which will happen very quickly. Col. Those comets are little islands bordering on the sun, which, at certain times, are set on fire by that luminous body's moving over them perpendicular, which will one day occasion a general conflagration. Sack. One need not scruple the colonel's capacity, faith! [Aside. Per. This is marvellous strange! These cinders are what I never read of in any of our learned dissertations. Col. I don't know how the devil you should. [Aside. Sack. He has it at his finger's ends; one would swear he had learned to lie at school, he does it so cleverly. [Aside. Per. Well! you travellers see strange things! Pray, sir, have you any of those cinders? Col. I have, among my other curiosities. Per. Oh, what have I lost for want of travelling!-Pray, what have you else? Col. Several things worth your attention.-I have a muff made of the feathers of those geese that saved the Roman Capitol. Per. Is't possible! Sack. Yes, if you are such a gander as to believe him. [Aside. Col. I have an Indian leaf, which, open, will cover an acre of land, yet folds up in so little a compass, you may put it into your snuff-box. Sack. Humph! That's a thunderer! [Aside. Per. Amazing! Col. Ah! mine is but a little one; I have seen some of them that would cover one of the Caribbee Islands. Per. Well, if I don't travel before I die, I shan't rest in my grave-Pray, what do the Indians with them? Col. Sir, they use them in their wars for tents; the old women for riding-hoods, the young for fans and umbrellas. Sack. He has a fruitful invention ! [Aside. Per. I admire our East India Company im Col. Right; if they could find the leaves. [Aside.]Look ye, sir, do you see this little phial? Per. Pray you, what is it? Col. This is called Poluflosboio. Per. Poluflosboio!It has a rumbling sound. Col. Right, sir; it proceeds from a rumbling nature.- This water was part of those waves which bore Cleopatra's vessel when she sailed to meet Antony. Per. Well, of all that ever travelled, none had a taste like you! Col. But here's the wonder of the world.— This, sir, is called Zona, or Moros Musphonon ; the virtues of this are inestimable. Per. Moros Musphonon! What, in the name of wisdom, can that be? To me it seems a plain belt. Col. This girdle has carried me all the world over. Per. You have carried it, you mean. Col. I mean as I say, sir. Whenever I am girded with this, I am invisible; and, by turning this little screw, can be in the court of the Great Mogul, the Grand Signior, and king George, in as little time as your cook can poach an egg. Per. You must pardon me, sir; I cannot be lieve it. Col. If my landlord pleases, he shall try the experiment immediately. Sack. I thank you kindly, sir; but I have no inclination to ride post to the devil. Col. No, no, you shan't stir a foot; I'll only make you invisible. Sack. But if you could not make me visible again? Per. Come, try it upon mc, sir; I am not afraid of the devil, nor all his tricks. 'Sbud, I'll stand them all. Come; landlord, Col. There, sir; put it on. you and I must face to the east.-[They turn about.]-Is it on, sir! Per. 'Tis on. [They turn about again. Sack. Heaven protect me! Where is he? Per. Why here, just where I was. Sack. Where, where, in the name of virtue? Ah, poor Mr Periwinkle! Egad, look to't, you had best, sir; and let him be seen again, or I shall have you burnt for a wizard. Col. Have patience, good landlord. Per. But really don't you see me now? Sack. No more than I see my grandmother, that died forty years ago. Per. Are you sure you don't lie? Methinks, I stand just where I did, and see you as plain as I did before. Sack. Ah! I wish I could see you once again. Col. Take off the girdle, sir. [He takes it off. Sack. Yes, yes. must turn full east. Come, Mr Periwinkle, we [They turn, the COLONEL sinks down the trap-door. Col. 'Tis done; now turn. [They turn. Per. Ha! Mercy upon me! my flesh creeps upon my bones. This must be a conjurer, Mr Sack but. Sack. He is the devil, I think. Per. Oh, Mr Sackbut, why do you name the devil, when, perhaps, he may be at your elbow? Sack. At my elbow? marry, Heaven forbid ! Col. Are you satisfied? [From under the stage. Per. Yes, sir, yes-How hollow his voice sounds! Sack. Yours seemed just the same-Faith, I wish this girdle were mine, I'd sell wine no more. Hark ye, Mr Periwinkle-[Takes him aside till the COLONEL rises again.]—if he would sell this girdle, you might travel with great expedition. Col. But it is not to be parted with for mo nev. Per. I'm sorry for't, sir, because I think it the greatest curiosity I ever heard of. Col. By the advice of a learned physiognomist in Grand Cairo, who consulted the lines in my face, I returned to England, where he told me I should find a rarity in the keeping of four men, which I was born to possess for the benefit of mankind; and the first of the four that gave me his consent, I should present him with this girdle -Till I have found this jewel, I shall not part with the girdle. Per. What can that rarity be? Didn't he name it to you? Col. Yes, sir: he called it a chaste, beautiful, unaffected woman. Per. Pish! Women are no rarities- -I never had any taste that way. I married, indeed, to please my father, and I got a girl to please my wife; but she and the child, (thank Heaven) died togetherWomen are the very gewgaws of the creation; playthings for boys, which, when they write man, they ought to throw aside. Sack. A fine lecture to be read to a circle of ladies! [Aside. Per. What woman is there, drest in all the pride and foppery of the times, can boast of such a foretop as the cockatoo ? Col. I must humour him-[Aside.]--Such a skin as the lizard? VOL. II. Per. Such a shining breast as the humming bird? Per. Or, in all the artful mixture of their various dresses, have they half the beauty of one box of butterflies ? Col. No, that must be allowed-For my part, if it were not for the benefit of mankind, I'd have nothing to do with them; for they are as indifferent to me as a sparrow, or a flesh-fly. Per. Pray, sir, what benefit is the world to reap from this lady? Col. Why, sir, she is to bear me a son, who shall revive the art of embalming, and the old Roman manner of burying their dead; and, for the benefit of posterity, he is to discover the longitude, so long sought for in vain. Per. Od! these are valuable things, Mr Sackbut! Sack. He hits it off admirably, and t'other swallows it like sack and sugar-Aside.]-Certainly this lady must be your ward, Mr Periwinkle, by her being under the care of four persons. Per. By the description, it should'Egad, if I could get that girdle, I'd ride with the sun, and make the tour of the world in four and twenty hours.~[Aside.]—And are you to give that girdle to the first of the four guardians that shall give his consent to marry that lady, say you, sir ? Col. I am so ordered, when I can find him. Per. I fancy I know the very woman--name is Anne Lovely. -her Col. Excellent! he said, indeed, that the first letter of her name was L. Per. Did he really? Well, that's prodigiously amazing, that a person in Grand Cairo should know any thing of my ward! Col. Your ward! Per. To be plain with you, sir, I am one of those four guardians. Col. Are you, indeed, sir? I am transported to find the man who is to possess this Moros Musphonon is a person of so curious a taste! Here is a writing, drawn up by that famous Egyptian, which, if you will please to sign, you must turn your face full north, and the girdle is yours. Per. If I live till this boy is born, I'll be embalmed, and sent to the Royal Society, when I die. Col. This dog has ruined all my schemes, I see | trivance, Mr Freeman, as this fellow had found by Periwinkle's looks. [Aside. out. Per. How finely I should have been choused! -Colonel, you'll pardon me that I did not give you your title before--It was pure ignorance; faith it was-Pray-hem, hem! Pray, colonel, what post had this learned Egyptian in your regiment? Col. A pox of your sneer!-[Aside.]-I don't understand you, sir. Free. Mr Sackbut has told me the whole story, Mr Periwinkle; but now I have something to tell you of much more importance to yourself. I happened to lie one night at Coventry, and, knowing your uncle, sir Toby Periwinkle, I paid him a visit, and, to my great surprise, found him dying. Per. Dying! Per. No, that's strange! I understand you, Free. Dying, in all appearance; the servants colonel- -An Egyptian of Grand Cairo! Ha, weeping, the room in darkness: the apothecary, ha, ha! I am sorry such a well-invented tale shaking his head, told me the doctors had given should do you no more service-We old fel-him over; and then there are small hopes, you lows can see as far into a mill-stone as them that pick it-I am not to be tricked out of my trust -mark that. Sack. Who, I, Mr Periwinkle? I scorn it. I perceived he was a cheat, and left the room on purpose to send for a constable to apprehend him, and endeavoured to stop him when he went out-But the rogue made but one step from the stairs to the door, called a coach, leaped into it, and drove away like the devil, as Mr Freeman can witness, who is at the bar, and desires to speak with you; he is this minute come to town. Per. Send him in.-[Exit SACKBUT.]-What a scheme this rogue has laid! How I should have been laughed at, had it succeeded! Enter FREEMAN, booted and spurred. Mr Freeman, your dress commands your welcome to town; what will you drink? I had like to have been imposed upon here by the veriest rascal know. Per. I hope he made his will-he always told me he would make me his heir. Free. I have heard you say as much, and therefore resolved to give you notice. I should think it would not be amiss if you went down tomorrow morning. Per. It is a long journey, and the roads very bad. Free. But he has a great estate, and the land very good-Think upon that. Per. Why, that's true, as you say; I'll think upon it in the mean time, I give you many thanks for your civility, Mr Freeman, and should be glad of your company to dine with me. Free. I am obliged to be at Jonathan's coffeehouse at two, and now it is half an hour after one. If I dispatch my business, I'll wait on you; I know your hour. man; Per. You shall be very welcome, Mr Freeand so your humble servant. [Exit PERIWINKLE. Re-enter COLONEL and SACKBUT. Free. Ha, ha, ha! I have done your business, colonel; he has swallowed the bait. Col. I overheard all, though I am a little in the dark; I am to personate a highwayman, I suppose that's a project I am not fond of; for though I may fright him out of his consent, he may fright me out of my life, when he discovers me, as he certainly must in the end. Free. No, no; I have a plot for you without danger. But first, we must manage Tradelove— Has the tailor brought your clothes? Suck. Yes, pox take the thief! Free. Well, well, no matter; I warrant we have him yet-But now you must put on the Dutch merchant. Col. The deuce of this trading plot! I wish he had been an old soldier, that I might have attacked him in my own way, heard him fight o'er all the battles of the late war-But for trade-by Jupiter, I shall never do it. Sack. Never fear, colonel; Mr Freeman will instruct you. Free. I am sorry to hear it-The dog flew fort; he had not escaped me, if I had been aware of him; Sackbut struck at him, but missed his blow, or he had done his business for him. Free. You'll see what others do; the coffeePer. I believe you never heard of such a con-house will instruct you. Trade. [Reads.] Sir, as I have many obligations to you, I cannot miss any opportunity to 'shew my gratitude; this moment my lord has re'ceived a private express, that the Spaniards have 'raised their siege from before Cagliari. If this Enter TRADELOVE and Stock-jobbers, with rolls proves any advantage to you, it will answer of paper and parchment. 1st Stock. SOUTH-SEA at seven-eights; who buys? 2d Stock South-sea bonds due at Michaelinas, 1718. Class lottery-tickets? 3d Stock. East India bonds? 4th Stock, What, all sellers and no buyers? Gentlemen, I'll buy a thousand pound for Tuesday next, at three-fourths. Cof. Boy, Fresh cofice, gentlemen; fresh cof fee? Trade. Hark ye, Gabriel, you'll pay the difference of that stock we transacted for t'other day? Gab. Aye, Mr Tradelove, here's a note for the money upon the Sword Blade Company. [Gives him a note. Cof. Boy. Bohea tea, gentlemen? Enter a Man. Man. Is Mr Smuggler here? 1st Cof. Boy. Mr Smuggler's not here, sir;you will find him at the books. 2d Stock. Ho! here come two sparks from t'other end of the town; what news bring they? Enter two Gentlemen. Trade. I would fain bite the spark in the brown coat; he comes very often into the alley, but never employs a broker. Enter COLONEL and FREEMAN. 2d Stock. Who does any thing in the Civil List Lottery? or Caco? Zounds, where are all the Jews this afternoon? Are you a bull or a bear to-day, Abraham? Sd Stock. A bull, faith! but I have a good put for next week. Trade. Mr Freeman, your servant! Who is that gentleman ? 'both the ends and wishes of, sir, your most obbliged humble servant, Postscript. HENRICUS DUSSELDORP. In two or three hours the news will be pub'lic' May one depend upon this, Mr Freeman? [Aside to FREEMAN. Free. You may. I never knew this person send me a false piece of news in my life. Trade. Sir, I am much obliged to you-'Egad, 'tis rare news! Who sells South Sea for next week? Stock-Job. [Altogether.] I sell; I, I, I, I, I sell. 1st Stock. I'll sell 5000l. for next week, at five eighths. 2d Stock: I'll sell ten thousand at five-eighths for the same time. Trade. Nay, nay; hold, hold; not all together, gentlemen; I'll be no bull, I'll buy no more than I can take: will you sell ten thousand pounds at a half, for any day next week, except Saturday? 1st Stock. I'll sell it you, Mr Tradelove. Free. [Whispers to one of the gentlemen.] Gent. Aside.] The Spaniards raised the siege of Cagliari; I don't believe one word of it. 2d Gent. Raised the siege! as much as you have raised the monument. Free. 'Tis raised, I assure you, sir. 1st Gent. Why, I have a brother upon the spot, in the Emperor's service; I am certain, if there were any such thing, I should have had a letter, 2d Stock. How's this? the siege of Cagliari raised? I wish it may be true, 'twill make business stir, and stocks rise. 1st Stock. Tradelove's a cunning fat bear; if this news proves true, I shall repent I sold him the five thousand pounds. Pray, sir, what assu rance have you that the siege is raised? Free. A Dutch merchant just come to England. But hark ye, Mr Tradelove-I have a piece of news will get you as much as the French king's death did if you are expeditious. [Shewing letter.] Read there; I received it just now from one that belongs to the Emperor's mini-ror's minister. ster. a Free. There is come an express to the Empe 2d Stock. I'll know that presently. |