my tenderness and soft disposition-To be perpetually running over the whole town, nay, the whole kingdom, too, in pursuit of your amours! mon--Did not I discover that you was great with mademoiselle, my own woman?-Did not you contract a shameful familiarity with Mrs Freeman?---Did not I detect your intrigue with lady Wealthy?---Was not you Oak. [Within.] But, my dearMrs Oak. Nay, nay, &c. [Squabbling within. Enter MRS OAKLY, with a letter, OAKLY following. Say what you will, Mr Oakly, you shall never persuade me but this is some filthy intrigue of yours. Qak. I can assure you, my love! Mrs Oak. Your love!-Don't I know your Tell me, I say, this instant, every circumstance relating to this letter. Oak. How can I tell you, when you will not so much as let me see it? Mrs Oak. Look you, Mr Oakly, this usage is not to be borne. You take a pleasure in abusing Oak. Oons! madam, the Grand Turk himself has not half so many mistresses---You throw me out of all patience-Do I know any body but our common friends?-Am I visited by any body that does not visit you?-Do I ever go out, unless you go with me?-And am I not as constantly by your side, as if I was tied to your apron-strings? Mrs Oak. Go, go; you are a false manHave not I found you out a thousand times? And have not I this moment a letter in my hand, which convinces me of your baseness?—Let me know the whole affair, or I will Oak. Let you know! Let me know what you would have of me- -You stop my letter before it comes to my hands, and then expect that I should know the contents of it. Mrs Oak. Heaven be praised! I stopt it-I suspected some of these doings for some time past-But the letter informs me who she is, and I'll be revenged on her sufficiently. Oh, you base man, you! Oak. I beg, my dear, that you would moderate your passion!-Shew me the letter, and I'll convince you of my innocence. Mrs Oak. Innocence !-Abominable !-Innocence-But I am not to be made such a foolI am convinced of your perfidy, and very sure that Oak. 'Sdeath and fire! your passion hurries you out of your senses -Will you hear me? Mrs Oak. No, you are a base man; and I will not hear you. Oak. Why, then, my dear, since you will neither talk reasonably yourself, nor listen to reason from me, I shall take my leave till you are in a better humour. So, your servant! [Going. Mrs Oak. Ay, go, you cruel man!Go to your mistresses, and leave your poor wife to her miseries How unfortunate a woman am I!— I could die with vexation [Throwing herself into a chair. Oak. There it is-Now dare not I stir a step further-If I offer to go, she is in one of her fits in an instant-Never, sure, was woman at once of so violent and so delicate a constitution! What shall I say to sooth her? Nay, never make thyself so uneasy, my dear-Come, come, you know I love you. Nay, nay, you shall be convinced. me. Mrs Oak. I know you hate me; and that your unkindness and barbarity will be the death of [Whining. Oak. Do not vex yourself as this rate-I love you most passionately—Indeed, I do―This must be some mistake. Mrs Oak. Oh, I am an unhappy woman! [Weeping. Oak. Dry up thy tears, my love, and be comforted! You will find that I am not to blame in this matter-Come, let me see this letter-Nay, you shall not deny me. [Taking the letter. Mrs Oak. There! Take it; you know the hand, I am sure. Oak. To Charles Oakly, esq.'-[Reading. Hand! 'Tis a clerk-like hand, indeed! A good round text! and was certainly never penned by a fair lady. Mrs Oak. [Rising.]--Well, sir-you see I have detected you-Tell me this instant where she is concealed. ed Oak. So-so-so-This hurts me- -I'm shock[To himself. Mrs Oak. What, are you confounded with your guilt? Have I caught you at last? Oak. O that wicked Charles! To decoy a young lady from her parents in the country! The profligacy of the young fellows of this age is abominable. [To himself. Mrs Oak. [Half aside, and musing.]—Charles! Let me see! Charles! No! Impossible. This is all a trick. Oak. He has certainly ruined this poor lady. [To himself. Mrs Oak. Art! Art! All art! There's a sudden turn now! You have ready wit for an intrigue, I find. Oak. Such an abandoned action! I wish I had never had the care of him. [To himself. Mrs Oak. Mighty fine, Mr Oakly! Go on, sir; go on! I see what you mean. Your assurance provokes me beyond your very falsehood itself. So, you imagine, sir, that this affected concern, this flimsy pretence about Charles, is to bring you off? Matchless confidence! But I am armed against every thing—I am prepared for all your dark schemes: I am aware of all your low stratagems. Oak. See there, now! Was ever any thing so provoking? To persevere in your ridiculousFor Heaven's sake, my dear, don't distract me! When you see my mind thus agitated and uneasy, that a young fellow, whom his dying father, my own brother, committed to my care, should be guilty of such enormous wickedness; I say, when you are witness of my distress on this occasion, how can you be weak enough and cruel enough to Mrs Oak. Prodigiously well, sir! You do it very well. Nay, keep it up, carry it on, there's nothing like going through with it. O you artful creature! But, sir, I am not to be so easily satisfied. I do not believe a syllable of all thisGive me the letter-[Snatching the letter.]—You shall sorely repent this vile business, for I am resolved that I will know the bottom of it. [Erit MRS OAK Oak. This is beyond all patience. Provoking woman! Her absurd suspicions interpret every thing the wrong way. She delights to make me wretched, because she sees I am attached to her, and converts my tenderness and affection into the instruments of my own torture. But this ungracious boy! In how many troubles will he Oak. Forgive me my love, I did not mean to involve his own and this lady's family-I never laugh at thee-But what says the letter?-[Read-imagined that he was of such abandoned princiing.-Daughter eloped-you must be privy to it-scandalous-dishonourable-satisfaction'revenge'-um, um, um injured father. Mrs Oak. Ay, laugh at me, do! ples. O, here he comes! Enter MAJOR OAKLY and CHARLES 'HENRY RUSSET.' Cha. Good-morrow, sir. Maj. Good-morrow, brother, good-morrow!— What! You have been at the old work, I find? I heard you-ding! dong! i'faith! She has rung a noble peal in your ears. But how now? Why, sure, you've had a remarkable warm bout on't. You seem more ruffled than usual. Oak. I am, indeed, brother! Thanks to that young gentleman there. Have a care, Charles! You may be called to a severe account for this. The honour of a family, sir, is no such light mat Oak. How can you trifle with my distresses, najor?. Did not I tell you it was about a letter? Maj. A letter! Hum-a suspicious circumstance, to be sure! What, and the seal a true lover's knot now, hey? or an heart transfixed with darts; or, possibly, the wax bore the industrious impression of a thimble; or, perhaps, the folds were lovingly connected by a wafer, pricked with a pin, and the direction written in a vile scrawl, and not a word spelt as it should be; ha, ha, ha! Oak. Pooh! brother-Whatever it was, the letter, you find, was for Charles, not for methis outrageous jealousy is the devil! Maj. Mere matrimonial blessings, and domestic comfort, brother! Jealousy is a certain sign of love. Oak. Love! it is this very love that hath made us both so miserable. Her love for me has confined me to my house, like a state prisoner, without the liberty of seeing my friends, or the use of pen, ink, and paper; while my love for her has made such a fool of me, that I have never had the spirit to contradict her. Maj. Ay, ay; there you've hit it; Mrs Oakly would make an excellent wife, if you did but know how to manage her. Oak. You are a rare fellow, indeed, to talk of managing a wife! a debauched bachelor! a rattle-brained, rioting fellow-who have picked up your common-place notions of women in bagnios, taverns, a. d the camp; whose most refined commerce with the sex has been in order to delude country girls at your quarters, or to besiege the virtue of abigails, milliners, or mantua-maker's Cha. A letter! What letter? Dear sir, give it me. Some intelligence of my Harriot, major!-'prentices. The letter, sir; the letter this moment, for Heaven's sake! Oak. If this warmth, Charles, tends to prove your innocence Cha. Dear sir, excuse me-I'll prove any thing -Let me but see this letter, and I'llOak. Let you see it? I could hardly get a sight of it myself. Mrs Oakly has it. Cha. Has she got it? Major, I'll be with you again directly. [Exit CHA. hastily. Maj. Hey-day! The devil's in the boy! What a fiery set of people! By my troth, I think the whole family is made of nothing but combustibles! Oak. I like this emotion. It looks well. It may serve, too, to convince my wife of the folly of her suspicions. Would to Heaven I could quiet them for ever! Maj. Why, pray now, my dear naughty brother, what heinous offence have you committed this morning? What new cause of suspicion? You have been asking one of the maids to mend your ruffle, I suppose, or have been hanging your head out of window, when a pretty young woman has past by, or Maj. So much the better! So much the better! Women are all alike in the main, brother, high or low, married or single, quality or no quality. I have found them so, from a duchess down to a milk-maid. Oak. Your savage notions are ridiculous.— What do you know of a husband's feelings? You, who comprise all your qualities in your honour, as you call it! Dead to all sentiments of delicacy, and incapable of any but the grossest attachments to women. This is your boasted refinement, your thorough knowledge of the world! While, with regard to women, one poor train of thinking, one narrow set of ideas, like the uniform of the whole regiment, serves the whole corps. Maj. Very fine, brother! There's commonplace for you, with a vengeance! Henceforth, expect no quarter from me. I tell you again and again, I know the sex better than you do.They all love to give themselves airs, and to have power: every woman is a tyrant at the bottom. But they could never make a fool of me. No, no! no woman should ever domineer over me, let her be mistress or wife. Oak. Single men can be no judges in these take of them, the more you will increase the distemper let them alone, and they will wear themselves out, I warrant you. cases. They must happen in all families. But | closet? No, no; these fits, the more care you when things are driven to extremities-to see a woman in uneasiness—a woman one loves, tooone's wife, who can withstand it? You neither think nor speak like a man that has loved, and been married, major! Maj. I wish I could hear a married man speak my language--I'm a bachelor, it's true; but I am no bad judge of your case, for all that. I know yours, and Mrs Oakly's disposition to a hair.She is all impetuosity and fire-a very magazine of touchwood and gunpowder. You are hot enough, too, upon occasion; but then, it's over in an instant. In come love and conjugal affection, as you call it; that is, mere folly and weakness-And you draw off your forces, just when should you pursue the attack, and follow your advantage. Have at her with spirit, and the day's your own, brother! Oak. I tell you, brother, you mistake the matter. Sulkiness, fits, tears! These, and such as these, are the things which make a feeling man uneasy. Her passion and violence have not half such an effect on me. Maj. Why, then, you may be sure, she'll play that upon you, which she finds does most execution. But you must be proof against every thing. If she's furious, set passion against passion; if you find her at her tricks, play off art against art, and foil her at her own weapons. That's your game, brother! Oak. Why, what would you have me do? Maj. Do as you please, for one month, whether she likes it or not; and, I'll answer for it, she will consent you shall do as you please all her life after. Oak. This is fine talking. You do not consider the difficulty that Maj. You must overcome all difficulties. Assert your right boldly, man! Give your own orders to servants, and see they observe them; read your own letters, and never let her have a sight of them; make your own appointments, and never be persuaded to break them; see what company you like; go out when you please; return when you please; and don't suffer yourself to be called to account where you have been.— In short, do but shew yourself a man of spirit, leave off whining about love, and tenderness, and nonsense, and the business is done, brother! Oak, I believe you are in the right, major! I see you're in the right. I'll do it; I'll certainly do it. But, then, it hurts me to the soul, to think what uneasiness I shall give her. The first opening of my design will throw her into fits, and the pursuit of it, perhaps, may be fatal. Oak. True-very true-you're certainly in the right-I'll follow your advice. Where do you dine to-day? I'll order the coach and go with you. Maj. O brave! keep up this spirit, and you're made for ever. Oak. You shall see now, major! Who's there? Oak. I will. Maj. You won't. Oak. I will. I'll be a fool to her no longer.But, hark ye, major! my hat and sword lie in my study. I'll go and steal them out, while she is busy talking with Charles. Maj. Steal them! for shame! prithee, take them boldly, call for them, make them bring them to you here, and go out with spirit, in the face of your whole family. Oak. No, no-you are wrong-let her rave after I am gone; and, when I return, you know, I shall exert myself with more propriety, after this open affront to her authority. Maj. Well, take your own way. nage it. Maj. Manage it! Ay, to be sure, you are a rare manager! It is dangerous, they say, to meddle between man and wife. I am no great favourite of Mrs Oakly's already; and, in a week's time, I expect to have the door shut in my teeth. Maj. Fits! Ha, ha, ha! Fits! I'll engage to cure her of her fits. Nobody understands hysterical cases better than I do : besides, my sister's symptoms are not very dangerous. Did you ever hear of her falling into a fit when you was not by? Was she ever found in convulsions in her How now, Charles, what news? Enter CHARLES. Cha. Ruined and undone! She's gone, uncle! My Harriot's lost for ever! Maj. Gone off with a man? I thought so: they are all alike. Cha. O no! Fled to avoid that hateful match with sir Harry Beagle. Maj. Faith, a girl of spirit! Joy! Charles, I give you joy! she is your own, my boy! A fool and a great estate! Devilish strong temptations! Cha. A wretch! I was sure she would never think of him. Maj. No! to be sure! commend me to your modesty! Refuse five thousand a-year and a baronet, for pretty Mr Charles Oakly! It is true, indeed, that the looby has not a single idea in his head besides a hound, a hunter, a five-barred gate, and a horse-race; but, then, he's rich, and that will qualify his absurdities. Money is a wonderful improver of the understanding. But whence comes all this intelligence? Cha. In an angry letter from her father. How miserable I am! If I had not offended my Harriot, much offended her by that foolish riot and drinking at your house in the country, she would certainly, at such a time, have taken refuge in my arms. Maj. A very agreeable figure for a young lady, to be sure, and extremely decent ! Cha. I am all uneasiness. Did not she tell me, that she trembled at the thoughts of having trusted her affections with a man of such a wild disposition? What a heap of extravagancies was I guilty of? Maj. Extravagancies with a witness! Ah, you silly young dog, you would ruin yourself with her father, in spite of all I could do. There you sat, as drunk as a lord, telling the old gentleman the whole affair, and swearing you would drive sir Harry Beagle out of the country, though I kept winking and nodding, pulling you by the sleeve, and kicking your shins under the table, in hopes of stopping you, but all to no purpose. Cha. What distress may she be in at this instant! Alone, and defenceless! Where? Where can she be?. Maj. What relations or friends has she in town? Cha. Relations! let me see.-Faith! I have it. If she is in town, ten to one but she is at her aunt's, lady Freelove's. I'll go thither immediately. Maj. Lady Freelove's! Hold, hold, Charles! do you know her ladyship? Cha. Not much; but I'll break through all forms to get to my Harriot. Maj. I do know her ladyship. Cha. Well, and what do you know of her? Maj. Oh, nothing! Her ladyship is a woman of the world, that's all—she'll introduce Harriot to the best company. Cha. What do you mean? Maj. Yes, yes; I would trust a wife, or a Cha. Yes! but they were received with the utmost contempt. The old gentleman, it seems, hates a lord, and he told her so in plain terms. Maj. Such an aversion to the nobility may not run in the blood. The girl, I warrant you, has no objection. However, if she's there, watch her narrowly, Charles! lady Freelove is as mischievous as a monkey, and as cunning, too.Have a care of her. I say, have a care of her. Cha. If she's there, I'll have her out of the house within this half hour, or set fire to it. Maj. Nay, now, you're too violent-Stay a moment, and we'll consider what's best to be done. Re-enter OAKLY. Oak. Come, is the coach ready? Let us be gone. Does Charles go with us? Cha. I go with you! What can I do? I am so vext and distracted, and so many thoughts crowd in upon me, I don't know which way to turn myself. Mrs Oak. [Within.] The coach! dines out! where is your master? Oak. Zounds! brother, here she is! Enter MRS OAKLY. Mrs Oak. Pray, Mr Oakly, what is the mat ter you cannot dine at home to-day? Oak. Don't be uneasy, my dear! I have a lit tle business to settle with my brother; so I am only just going to dinner with him and Charles to the tavern. Mrs Oak. Why cannot you settle your business here as well as at a tavern? But it is some of your ladies' business, I suppose, and so you must get rid of my company. This is chiefly your fault, major Oakly! Maj. Lord, sister! what signifies it, whether a man dines at home or abroad? [Coolly. Mrs Oak. It signifies a great deal, sir! and I don't choose Maj. Phoo! let him go, my dear sister, let him go! he will be ten times better company when he coines back. I tell you what, sisteryou sit at home till you are quite tired of one another, and, then, you grow cross, and fall If you would but part a little now and then, you might meet again in good humour. Mrs Ouk. I beg, major Oakly, that you would out. |