Sir. Anth. Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the moderation, now, what would you more important point in debate,have a woman know? you say, you have no objection to my Mrs.Mal.Observe me,Sir Anthony.--proposal. I would by no means wish a daughter Mrs. Mal. None, I assure you. I am of mine to be a progeny of learning; under no positive engagement with I don't think so much learning be- Mr. Acres, and as Lydia is so obsticomes a young woman; for instance, nate against him, perhaps your son I would never let her meddle with may have belter success. Greek, or Hebrew, or Algebra, or Si- Sir Anth. Well, madam, I will write mony, or Fluxions, or Paradoxes, or for the boy directly. He knows not a such inflammatory branches of learn-syllable of this yet, though I have for ing-neither would it be necessary some time had the proposal in my for her to handle any of your mathe-head. He is at present with his regimatical, astronomical, diabolical in- ment. struments: But, Sir Anthony, I Mrs. Mal. We have never seen your would send her, at nine years old, to son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no oba boarding-school, in order to learn a jection on his side. little ingenuity and artifice. Then, Sir Anth. Objection!-let him obsir, she should have a supercilious ject if he dare! - No, no, Mrs. Malaknowledge in accounts; and as she prop,Jack knows that the least demur grew up, I would have her instructed puts me in a phrensy directly. My in geometry, that she might know so-process was always very simple—in mething of the contagious countries; their younger days, 'twas 'Jack; do --but above all, Sir Anthony, she this; if he demurred, I knocked should be mistress of orthodoxy, that him down-and if he grumbled at she might not mis-spell, and mis-that, I always sent him out of the pronounce words so shamefully as room. girls usually do; and likewise that Mrs. Mal. Ay, and the properest she might reprehend the true mean-way, o'my conscience! - nothing is ing of what she is saying. This, Sir so conciliating to young people as seAnthony, is what I would have a wo-verity. Well, Sir Anthony, I shall man know;—and I don't think there give Mr.Acres his discharge, and preis a superstitious article in it. pare Lydia to receive your son's inSir Anth. Well, well, Mrs.Malaprop, vocations ;-and I hope you will reI will dispute the point no further present her to the captain as an obwith you; though I must confess, ject not altogether illegible. that you are a truly moderate and po- Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the lite arguer, for almost every third subject prudently. Well, I must word you say is on my side of the leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. - — Malaprop, to enforce this matter | simpleton shall be no excuse for your roundly to the girl;—take my advice locality. [Exit Mrs. MAL. -keep a tight hand: if she rejects Lucy. Ha! ha! ha! So, my dear this proposal, clap her under lock simplicity, let me give you a little reand key; and if you were just to let spite-(altering her manner) - let the servants forget to bring her din-girls in my station be as fond as they ner for three or four days, you can't please of appearing expert,and knowconceive how she'd come about. ing in their trusts; commend me to a [Exit Sir ANTH. mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp Mrs. Mal. Well, at any rate I shall eyes for my own interest under it!be glad to get her from under my in-Let me see to what account have I tuition. She has somehow discov-turned my simplicity lately-(looks ered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'- at a paper.) For abetting Miss LyTrigger—sure, Lucy can't have be- diaLanguish in a design of running trayed me! No, the girl is such a away with an ensign!-in money, simpleton, I should have made her sundry times, twelve pound twelve; confess it.--Lucy!—Lucy!—(calls.) gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, etc. Had she been one of your artificial etc. numberless!—From the said enones, I should never have trusted her. Lucy. Did Enter LUCY. you call, ma'am? Mrs. Mal. Yes, girl.—Did you see Mrs. Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned Lucy. O Gemini ! I'd sooner cut my tongue out. sign, within this last month, six guineas and a half.-About a quarter's pay!-Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her -when I found matters were likely to be discovered—two guineas, and a black padusoy. Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters which I never delivered-two guineas, and a pair of buckles. - Item, from Sir Lucius O' Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box!-Well done,simplicity!-yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he was Mrs. Mal. So, come to me presently, corresponding, not with the aunt, and I'll give you another letter to but with the niece: for though not Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy-if ever over rich, I found he had too much you betray what you are intrusted pride and delicacy to sacrifice the with (unless it be other people's se- feelings of a gentleman to the necescrets to me), you forfeit my malevo-sities of his fortune. lence for ever; and your being a Mrs. Mal. Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on. Lucy. No, ma'am. [Exit. ACT II. SCENE I. Captain ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. Captain ABSOLUTE and FAG. Fag. Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him, you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you. Abs. And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath? Iter, (said I) honest Thomas, (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors), is come to Bath to recruit— Yes, sir, I said to recruit-and whether for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else. Abs. Well, recruit will do-let it be so. Fag. O, sir, recruit will do surprisingly-indeed, to give the thing an Fag. Sir, in my life I never saw an air, I told Thomas, that your Honour elderly gentleman more astonished! had already inlisted five disbanded He started back two or three paces, rapt out a dozen interjectural oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here? chairmen, seven minority waiters, Abs. Well, sir, and what did you Fag. I beg pardon, sir - I beg parsay? don-But, with submission, a lie is Fag. O, Ilied, sir-I forget the pre-nothing unless one supports it. Sir, cise lie; but you may depend on't, he whenever I draw on my invention got no truth from me. Yet, with sub-for a good current lie, I always forge mission, for fear of blunders in fu- indorsements as well as the bill. ture, I should be glad to fix what has Abs. Well, take care you don't hurt brought us to Bath; in order that we your credit, by offering too much semay lie a little consistently.-SirAn-curity.-Is Mr. Faulkland returned? thony's servants were curious, sir, Fag. He is above, sir, changing his curious indeed. dress. very Abs. You have said nothing to them- ? Fag. O, not a word, sir, - not a word. Mr.Thomas, indeed, the coach Abs. Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arrival? Fag. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no man (whom I take to be the discreet-one since he came in but his gentleest of whips)— man, who was with him at Bristol. Abs. 'Sdeath! you rascal! you—I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland have not trusted him! coming down Fag. O, no, sir-no-no-not a syllable, upon my veracity! He - Abs. Go, tell him, I am here. Fag. Yes, sir-(going)—I beg parwas, indeed, a little inquisitive; but don, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, I was sly, sir-devilish sly! My mas-you will do me the favour to remein ber, that we are recruiting, if you yet am I by no means certain that she please. would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular Abs. Well, well. Fag. And in tenderness to my cha- humdrum wedding, and the reverracter, if your Honour could bring in sion of a good fortune on my side: the chairmen and waiters, I should no, no; I must prepare her gradually esteem it as an obligation; for though for the discovery, and make myself I never scruple a lie to serve my mas-necessary to her, before I risk it.ter, yet it hurts one's conscience to be Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with found out. [Exit. us to-day at the Hotel? Abs. Now for my whimsical friend Faulk. Indeed I cannot; I am not in -if he does not know that his mis-spirits to be of such a party. tress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him Enter FAULKLAND. Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your re turn. me, Abs. By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover! -Do love like a man. Faulk. I own I am unfit for company. con Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain Abs. Am not I a lover; ay, and a when I had finished the business romantic one too? Yet do I carry I went on. Well, what news since I every where with me such a left you? How stand matters between founded farrago of doubts, fears, you and Lydia? hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furAbs. Faith, much as they were; Initure of a country miss's brain! have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour. Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once? Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? You forget that, my friend. No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago. Faulk. Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake, and throw again:-but I have set my sun of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were to be stript of all. Abs. But, for Heaven's sake! what Faulk. Nay then, you trifle too long grounds for apprehension can your you are sure of her, propose to whimsical brain conjure up at prethe aunt in your own character, and sent? —if write to Sir Anthony for his consent. Faulk. What grounds for appreAbs. Softly, softly; for though I am hension, did you say? Heavens! are convinced ny little Lydia would there not a thousand! I fear for her elope with me as Ensign Beverley, spirits-her health-her life-My Enter FAG. Fag. Sir Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below. absence may fret her; her anxiety for Peigne! my hat-my dear Jackmy return, her fears for me, may now nothing on earth can give me a oppress her gentle temper. And for moment's uneasiness. her health, does not every hour bring me cause to be alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate frame! If the Abs, Stay, Faulkland, this Acres wind be keen, some rude blast may lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, have affected her! The heat of noon, and he shall tell you how your misthe dews of the evening, may endan-tress has been ever since you left her. ger the life of her, for whom only I-Fag, show the gentleman up. value mine. O Jack! when delicate [Exit FAG. and feeling souls are separated, there Faulk. What, is he much acquaintis not a feature in the sky,not a move-ed in the family? ment of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension! Abs. Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.So, then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content. Abs. O, very intimate: I insist on your not going: besides, his character will divert you. Faulk. Well, I should like to ask him a few questions. Abs. He is likewise a rival of mine that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in quesFaulk. I should be happy beyond tion; and it is ridiculous enough to measure I am anxious only for hear him complain to me of one Bethat. verley, a concealed skulking rival, who Abs. Then to cure your anxiety at once-Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this momentin Bath. Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me. Abs. She is arrived here with my father within this hour. Faulk. Hush!—He's here. Acres. Hah! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how do'st thou? just arrived, faith, as you see. -Sir, your humble servant.-Warm Faulk. Can you be serious? work on the roads, Jack-Odds Abs. Ithought you knew Sir An-whips and wheels! I've travelled like thony better than to be surprised at a comet, with a tail of dust all the way a sudden whim of this kind.-Seri- as long as the Mall. ously then, it is as I tell you-upon Abs. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an my honour. eccentric planet, but we know your Faulk. My dear friend!-Hollo, Du attraction hither-Give me leave to |