PROLOGUE. A SCHOOL for Scandal! tell me, I beseech "Yes, ma'am-A certain lord had best you, beware, Needs there a school this modish art to "Who lives not twenty miles from Gros teach you? venor Square; No need of lessons now, the knowing "For should he Lady W. find willing, "Wormwood is bitter"-"Oh ! that's me, the villain! think; We might as well be taught to eat and drink. prattle), Just ris'n at noon, all night at cards when threshing Strong tea and scandal-"Bless me, how refreshing! "Give me the papers, Lisp-how bold and free! (sips) "Last night Lord L. (sips) was caught with Lady D. "For aching heads what charming sal volatile! (sips) "If Mrs. B. will still continue flirting, "We hope she'll DRAW, or we'll UNDRAW the curtain. "Fine satire, poz-in public all abuse it. "But, by ourselves, (sips) our praise we can't refuse it. "Now, Lisp, read you there, at that dash and star:" "Throw it behind the fire, and never Alas! the devil's sooner raised than laid. So strong, so swift, the monster there's no gagging: Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging. Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd, Again our young Don Quixote takes the road, To show his gratitude he draws his pen, And seeks this hydra, Scandal, in his den. For your applause all perils he would throughHe'll fight—that's write true, Till every drop of blood-that's ink—is spilt for you. -a cavalliero ACT I. SCENE I. Lady SNEERWELL's House. Discovered Lady SNEERWELL at the dressing-table; SNAKE drinking chocolate. Lady Sneer. THE paragraphs, you say, Mr. Snake, were all inserted? Snake. They were, madam; and as I copied them myself in a feigned hand, there can be no suspicion whence they came. of six matches being broken off, and three sons disinherited;of four forced elopements, and as many close confinements; nine separate maintenances, and two divorces. Nay, I have more than once traced her causing a tète-à-tête in the Town and Country Magazine, when the parties, perhaps, had never seen each other's face before in the course of their lives. Lady Sneer. She certainly has talents, but her manner is gross. Snake. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well, has a free tongue and a bold invention; but her colourSnake. That's in as fine a train as ing is too dark, and her outlines often your ladyship could wish. In the extravagant. She wants that delicacy common course of things, I think it of tint, and mellowness of sneer, must reach Mrs. Clackitt's ears with- which distinguishes your ladyship's in four and twenty hours; and then, scandal. you know, the business is as good as done. Lady Sneer. Did you circulate the report of Lady Brittle's intrigue with Captain Boastall? Lady Sneer.Why,truly, Mrs.Clackitt has a very pretty talent, and a great deal of industry. Snake. True, madam, and has been tolerably successful in her day. To my knowledge she has been the cause Lady Sneer. You are partial, Snake. Snake. Not in the least-every body allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more with a word or a look than many can with the most laboured detail, even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it. Lady Sneer. Yes, my dear Snake; and I am no hypocrite to deny the sa- Lady Sneer. Then at once to unravel tisfaction I reap from the success of this mystery, I must inform you, that my efforts. Wounded myself in the love has no share whatever in the inearly part of my life by the envenom-tercourse between Mr.Surface and me. ed tongue of slander, I confess I have Snake. No! since known no pleasure equal to the reducing others to the level of my own injured reputation. Snake. Nothing can be more natural. But, Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess, I am at a loss to guess your motives. Lady Sneer. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir Peter Teazle, and his family? Lady Sneer. His real attachment is to Maria, or her fortune; but finding in his brother a favoured rival, he has been obliged to mask his pretensions, and profit by my assistance. Snake. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself in his success. Lady Sneer. How dull you are! Cannot you surmise the weakness which I hitherto, through shame, have conSnake. I do. Here are two young cealed even from you? Must 1 conmen, to whom Sir Peter has acted as fess, that Charles, that libertine, that a kind of guardian since their father's extravagant, that bankrupt in fortune death; the eldest possessing the most and reputation, that he it is for whom amiable character, and universally I'm thus anxious and malicious, and well spoken of the youngest, the to gain whom I would sacrifice every most dissipated and extravagant thing? young fellow in the kingdom, with- Snake. Now, indeed, your conduct out friends or character: the former appears consistent: but how came you an avowed admirer of your lady- and Mr. Surface so confidential? ship's, and apparently your favou- Lady Sneer. For our mutual interrite: the latter attached to Maria; Sir est. I have found him out a long time Peter's ward, and confessedly belov- since. I know him to be artful, selfish, ed by her. Now, on the face of these and malicious-in short, a sentimencircumstances, it is utterly unac-tal knave; while with Sir Peter, and countable to me, why you, the widow indeed with all his acquaintance, he of a city knight, with a good join- passes for a youthful miracle of pruture, should not close with the pas- dence, good sense, and benevolence. sion of a man of such character and Snake. Yes; yet Sir Peter vows he expectations as Mr. Surface; and has not his equal in England-and more so why you should be so un- above all, he praises him as a man of commonly earnest to destroy the mu- sentiment. tual attachment subsisting between his brother Charles and Maria. Lady Sneer. True-and with the assistance of his sentiment and hy Lady Sneer. Poor Charles! Joseph S. True, madam; notwithstanding his vices, one can't help feeling for him. Poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it were in my power to be of any essential service to him; for the man who does not share in the distresses of a brother, even though merited by his own misconduct, deserves— Lady Sneer. O Lud! you are going to be moral, and forget that you are among friends. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE. Joseph S. My dear Lady Sneerwell, Joseph S. Egad, that's true! -I'll how do you do to-day? Mr. Snake, keep that sentiment till I see Sir Peyour most obedient. ter;-however, it certainly is a chaLady Sneer. Snake has just been rity to rescue Maria from such a lirallying me on our mutual attach-bertine, who, if he is to be reclaimed, ment; but I have informed him of can be so only by a person of your our real views. You know how useful ladyship's superior accomplishments he has been to us, and, believe me, and understanding. the confidence is not ill placed. Joseph S. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect a man of Mr. Snake's sensibility and discernment. Lady Sneer. Well, well, no compliments now; but tell me when you saw your mistress, Maria-or, what is more material to me, your brother. Joseph S. Ihave not seen either since I left you; but I can inform you that they never meet. Some of your stories have taken a good effect on Maria. Lady Sneer. Ah! my dear Snake! the merit of this belongs to you: but do your brother's distresses increase? Joseph S. Every hour. I am told he has had another execution in the house yesterday. In short, his dissipation and extravagance exceed any thing I have ever heard of. Snake. I believe, Lady Sneerwell, here's company coming: I'll go and copy the letter I mentioned to you.Mr. Surface, your most obedient. [Exit SNAKE. Joseph S. Sir, your very devoted.Lady Sneerwell, I am very sorry you have put any farther confidence in that fellow. Lady Sneer. Why so? Joseph S. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with old Rowley, who was formerly my father's steward, and has never, you know, been a friend of mine. Lady Sneer. And do you think he would betray us? Joseph S. Nothing more likely:take my word for't, Lady Sneerwell, that fellow hasn't virtue enough to be faithful even to his own villany.-other's breastis to become a principal Ah! Maria! in the mischief. Enter MARIA. Lady Sneer. Pshaw! - there's no Lady Sneer. Maria, my dear, how do possibility of being witty without a you do?-What's the matter? little ill nature: the malice of a good Maria. Oh! there is that disagree- thing is the barb that makes it stick. able lover of mine, SirBenjamin Back--What's your opinion, Mr. Surface? bite, has just called at my guardian's, Joseph S. To be sure, madam; that with his odious uncle, Crabtree; so conversation, where the spirit of railI slipt out, and ran hither to avoid lery is suppressed, will ever appear them. tedious and insipid. Lady Sneer. Is that all? Maria. Well, I'll not debate how far scandal may be allowable; but in a man, I am sure,it is always contempt Joseph S. If my brother Charles had been of the party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much ible. We have pride, envy, rivalship, alarmed. and a thousand motives to depreciate Lady Sneer. Nay, now you are se- each other; but the male slanderer vere; for I dare swear the truth of the must have the cowardice of a woman matter is, Maria heard you were here. before he can traduce one. -But, my dear, what has Sir Benjamin done, that you would avoid him so? Enter SERVANT. Serv. Madam, Mrs. Candour is below, and if your ladyship's at leisure, will Maria. Oh, he has done nothing-leave her carriage, but 'tis for what he has said: his con- Lady Sneer. Beg her to walk in.versation is a perpetual libel on all his acquaintance. Joseph S. Ay, and the worst of it is, there is no advantage in not knowing him—for he'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best friend; and his uncle's as bad. Lady Sneer. Nay, but we should make allowance.—Sir Benjamin is a wit and a poet. Maria. For my part, I confess, madam, wit loses its respect with me, when I see it in company with malice. -What do you think, Mr. Surface? Joseph S. Certainly, madam; to smile at the jest which plants a thorn in an [Exit SERVANT.]-Now, Maria, here |