Sir Anth. Then, Jack, her neck !O Jack! Jack! Abs. And which is to be mine, sir, the niece or the aunt? Sir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you. When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rockel! The aunt, indeed!-Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, would not have touched any thing old or ugly to gain an empire. -a vile, insensible stock.-You a soldier!-you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on!-Odds life! I've a great mind to marry the girl myself! Abs. I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady'tis the same to me -I'll marry the niece. Abs. Not to please your father, sir? Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, Sir Anth. To please my father!-thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, Z-ds! not to please-Oh, my father or-but, come, I know your indiffer-Odd so!-yes-yes; if my father ence on such a subject must be all a lie indeed had desired-that's quite-I'm sure it must-come, now— another matter.-Though he wa'n't damn your demure face!-come,conthe indulgent father that I am, Jack. fess, Jack-you have been lying— Abs. I dare say not, sir. ha'n't you? You have been playing the Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sor-hypocrite, hey!-I'll never forgive ry to find your mistress is so beau-you, if you ha'n't been lying and tiful? playing the hypocrite. Abs. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken. Abs. Sir, Irepeat it-if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to Sir Anth. Hang your respect and recollect, you before hinted some-duty! But come along with me, I'll thing about a hump or two, one eye, write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and and a few more graces of that kind—you shall visit the lady directly. Her now, without being very nice, I own eyes shall be the Promethean torch to I should rather choose a wife of mine you,-come along, I'll never forgive to have the usual number of limbs, you, if you don't come back stark and a limited quantity of back: and mad with rapture and impatience— though one eye may be very agrecable, if you don't, egad, I'll marry the girl yet as the prejudice has always run in myself! [Exeunt. favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite! SCENE II. Faulk. They told me Julia would re turn directly; I wonder she is not yet you in such health-Sure I had no come! - How mean does this cap-cause for coldness? tious, unsatisfied temper of mine ap- Julia. Nay then, I see you have taken pear to my cooler judgment! Yet I something ill. You must not conknow not that I indulge it in any ceal from me what it is. other point: but on this one sub- Faulk. Well, then-shall I own to ject, and to this one subject, whom I you that my joy at hearing of your think I love beyond my life, I am ever health and arrival here, by your ungenerously fretful and madly ca- neighbour Acres, was somewhat pricious!—I am conscious of it-yet damped by his dwelling much on the I cannot correct myself! What ten-high spirits you had enjoyed in Deder honest joy sparkled in her eyes vonshire- on your mirth - your when we met! - How delicate was singing-dancing, and I know not the warmth of her expressions! I what!-For such is my temper, Julia, was ashamed to appear less happy-that I should regard every mirthful though I had come resolved to wear a moment in your absence as a treason face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir to constancy:-The mutual tear that Anthony's presence prevented my steals down the cheek of parting lovproposed expostulations: yet Iers is a compact, that no smile shall must be satisfied that she has not been live there till they meet again. so very happy in my absence. She Julia. Must I never cease to tax my is coming! Yes!-Iknow the nim-Faulkland with this teasing minute bleness of her tread, when she thinks caprice?-Can the idle reports of a her impatient Faulkland counts the silly boor weigh in your breast against moments of her stay. my tried affection? Enter JULIA. Faulk. They have no weight with Julia. I had not hoped to see you me, Julia: No, no-I am happy if you again so soon. Faulk. Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome-restrained as we were by the presence of a third person? have been so-yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth-say that you thought of Faulkland in the dance. Julia. I never can be happy in your absence.-IfI wear a countenance of content, it is to show that my mind Julia. O Faulkland, when your holds no doubt of my Faulkland's kindness can make me thus happy, truth.-If I seemed sad, it were to let me not think that I discovered make malice triumph; and say, that something of coldness in your first I had fixed my heart on one, who left me to lament his roving, and my own Faulk. 'Twas but your fancy, Julia. credulity.-Believe me, Faulkland, I --I was rejoiced to see you to see mean not to upbraid you, when I say, salutation. that I have often dressed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose unkindness had caused my tears. Julia. I see you are determined to be unkind-The contract which my poor father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege. Faulk. You were ever all goodness Faulk. Again, Julia, you raise ideas to me.—0, I am a brute, when I but that feed and justify my doubts.-I admit a doubt of your true constancy! would not have been more free-no Julia. If ever without such cause-I am proud of my restraint.-Yet from you, as I will not suppose pos--yet-perhaps your high respect sible, you find my affections veering alone for this solemn compact has but a point, may I become a prover-fettered your inclinations, which bial scoff for levity and base ingra-else had made a worthier choice.titude. Faulk. Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to your gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have mistaken for love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart! Julia. For what quality must I love you? me for How shall I be sure, had you remain- Faulk. For no quality! To regard any quality of mind or understanding, were only to esteem me. And for person-I have often wished myself deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any heart! I cannot bear it. part of your affection. Julia. O! you torture me to the Faulk. I do not mean to distress my Julia. Where nature has bestowed a you.-If I loved you less, I should show of nice attention in the features never give you an uneasy moment.of a man, he should laugh at it as mis-But hear me.- -All fretful doubts placed. I have seen men, who in this arise from this. Women are not vain article, perhaps, might rank used to weigh, and separate the moabove you; but my heart has never tives of their affections: the cold asked my eyes if it were so or not. dictates of prudence, gratitude, or fiFaulk. Now this is not well from lial duty, may sometimes be mistaken vou, Julia, — I despise person in a for the pleadings of the heart. I man-yet, if you loved me as I wish, would not boast-yet let me say, that though I were an Aethiop, you'd I have neither age, person, nor character, to found dislike on;-my for think none so fair. tune such as few ladies could be charg-linked instead to some antique vired with indiscretion in the match. ago, whose gnawing passions, and -O Julia! when Love receives such long hoarded spleen, shall make me countenance from Prudence, nice curse my folly half the day and all minds will be suspicious of its birth. the night. Julia. I know not whither your insinuations would tend:-But as they seem pressing to insult me, 1 will SCENE III. [Exit. Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. spare you the regret of having done Mrs. MALAPROP, with a letter in her So. this! - I have given you no cause for hand, and Captain ABSOLUTE. [Exit in tears. Mrs. Mal. Your being Sir Anthony's Faulk. In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but son, captain, would itself be a suffifor a moment. The door is fastened! cient accommodation; but from the -Julia!-my soul-but for one mo- ingenuity of your appearance, I am ment: I hear her sobbing!-'Sdeath! convinced you deserve the character what a brute am I to use her thus ! here given of you. Yet stay.-Ay—she is coming now: Abs. Permit me to say, madam, that -how little resolution there is in as Inever yet have had the pleasure woman!-how a few soft words can of seeing Miss Languish, my principal turn them!—No, faith!—she is not inducement in this affair at present coming either. Why, Julia-my is the honour of being allied to Mrs. love-say but that you forgive mc-Malaprop; of whose intellectual accome but to tell me that-now this is complishments,elegant manners, and being too resentful: stay! she is com- unaffected learning, no tongue is ing too-I thought she would-no silent. steadiness in any thing! her going Mrs.Mal. Sir, you do me infinite hoaway must have been a mere trick nour!-Ibeg, captain, you'll be seatthen—she shaʼn't see that I was hurt ed. — (Sit.)— Ah! few gentlemen, by it. I'll affect indifference-now-a-days, know how to value the (hums a tune: then listens) — No - ineffectual qualities in a woman! few Z-ds! she's not coming!-nor don't think how a little knowledge beintend it, I suppose. This is not comes a gentlewoman!-Men have no steadiness but obstinacy! Yet I de-sense now but for the worthless serve it. What, after so long an ab-flower of beauty! sence to quarrel with her tenderness! -'twas barbarous and unmanly!- -yet I fear our ladies should share I should be ashamed to see her now. the blame-they think our admiraI'll wait till her just resentment is tion of beauty so great, that knowabated-and when I distress her so ledge in them would be superfluous. again, may I lose her for ever! and be Thus, like garden-trees, they sel Abs. It is but too true indeed, ma'am; [Gives him the letter. Abs. I think I have seen the hand dom show fruit, till time has robbed Mrs. Mal. There, perhaps you may them of the more specious blossom. know the writing. -Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once! Mrs. Mal. Sir, you overpower me before-yes, I certainly must have with good-breeding-He is the very seen this hand beforepine-apple of politeness! You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows any thing of. Abs. O, I have heard the silly affair before. I'm not at all prejudiced against her on that account. Mrs. Mal. Nay, but read it, captain. Abs. (Reads) 'My soul's idol, my adored Lydia -Very tender indeed! Mrs. Mal. Tender! ay, and profane too, o'my conscience! Abs. 'I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival — Mrs. Mal. That's you, sir. Abs. 'Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman, and a man of honour,'-Well, that's handsome enough. Mrs. Mal. O, the fellow has some de Mrs. Mal. You are very good and very considerate, captain.-I am sure I have done every thing in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow a-sign in writing so. gain; I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorTy to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her. Abs. It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am. Abs. That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am. Mrs. Mal. But go on, sir,—you'll see presently. Mrs. Mal. Me, sir---me—he means Abs. 'As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you'-Who Mrs. Mal. Oh! it gives me the hy-can he mean by that? drostatics to such a degree; —I thought she had persisted from cor-me there-what do you think now? responding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket. 'it but go on a little further. Abs. Impudent scoundrel! shall go hard but I will elude her vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her [Aside. dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words Abs. O the devil! my last note. Mrs. Mal. Ay, here it is. Abs. Ay, my note indeed! O the litt-which she don't understand' le traitress Lucy. [Aside. Mrs. Mal. There, sir, an attack upon |