Sneer. Wonderfully!

Sir Fret. But come now, there must be something that you think might be mended, hey ?-Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you?

Dang. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the most part, to

Sir Fret. With most authors it is just so indeed; they are in general strangely tenacious! But, for my part, I am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opinion?

Sneer. Very true.-Why then, though I seriously admire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection; which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention.

Sir Fret. Sir, you can't oblige me more.

Sneer. I think it wants incident.

Sir Fret. Good God! you surprise me !—wants incident. Sneer. Yes; I own I think the incidents are too few. Sir Fret. Good God! Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference. But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that the incidents are too crowded.-My dear Dangle, how does it strike you?

Dang. Really I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest anything, it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth.

Sir Fret. Rises, I believe you mean, sir.
Dang. No, I don't, upon my word.

Sir Fret. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul !-it certainly don't fall off, I assure you.-No, no; it don't fall off. Dang. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in the same light?

Mrs. Dang. No, indeed, I did not-I did not see a fault in any part of the play, from the beginning to the end.

Sir Fret. Upon my soul, the women are the best judges after all!

Mrs. Dang. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece; but that I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long.

Sir Fret. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of time; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out ?

Mrs. Dang. O lud! no.-I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays.

Sir Fret. Then I am very happy-very happy indeedbecause the play is a short play, a remarkably short play. I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic.

Mrs. Dang. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me.

Sir Fret. Oh, if Mr. Dangle read it, that 's quite another affair!—But I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three hours and a half, I'll undertake to read you the whole from beginning to end, with the prologue and epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts.

Mrs. Dang. I hope to see it on the stage next.

Dang. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of

ours.

Sir Fret. The newspapers ! Sir, they are the most villainous-licentious-abominable-infernal-Not that I ever read them-no-I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper.

Dang. You are quite right; for it certainly must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take.

Sir Fret. No, quite the contrary! their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric-I like it of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support.

Sneer. Why that 's true-and that attack, now, on you the other day

Sir Fret. What? Where ?

Dang. Ay, you mean in a paper of Thursday: it was completely ill-natured, to be sure.

Sir Fret. Oh, so much the better.-Ha ha ha! I wouldn't have it otherwise.

Dang. Certainly it is only to be laughed at; for

Sir Fret. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you?

Sneer. Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxiousSir Fret. O lud, no!-anxious !-not I,-not the least. -I-but one may as well hear, you know.

Dang. Sneer, do you recollect ?-[Aside to SNEER.] Make out something.

Sneer. [Aside to DANGLE.] I will.-[Aloud.] Yes, yes, I remember perfectly.

Sir Fret. Well, and pray now-not that it signifieswhat might the gentleman say?

Sneer. Why, he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention or original genius whatever; though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living. Sir Fret. Ha! ha ha!-very good!

Sneer. That as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, he believes, even in your common-place book-where stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as the ledger of the lost and stolen office. Sir Fret. Ha ha ha very pleasant!

Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the skill even to steal with taste :-but that you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been before you; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sediments-like a bad tavern's worst wine.

Sir Fret. Ha! ha!

Sneer. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforms! Sir Fret. Ha! ha!

Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would a ground of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakspeare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and are about as near the standard of the original.

Sir Fret. Ha!

Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbering what it is not in their power to fertilise !

Sir Fret. [After great agitation.] Now, another person would be vexed at this.

Sneer. Oh

divert you.

but I wouldn't have told you-only to

Sir Fret. I know it-I am diverted.-Ha! ha ha!not the least invention !-Ha ha ha!-very good!— very good!

Sneer. Yes-no genius! ha! ha! ha!

Dang. A severe rogue! ha! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense.

Sir Fret. To be sure-for if there is anything to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and, if it is abuse,—why one is always sure to hear of it from one damned good-natured friend or another!

Enter SERVANT

Ser. Sir, there is an Italian gentleman, with a French interpreter, and three young ladies, and a dozen musicians, who say they are sent by Lady Rondeau and Mrs. Fugue. Dang. Gadso! they come by appointment !—Dear Mrs. Dangle, do let them know I'll see them directly.

Mrs. Dang. You know, Mr. Dangle, I shan't understand a word they say.

Dang. But you hear there's an interpreter.

Mrs. Dang. Well, I'll try to endure their complaisance till you come.

[Exit

Ser. And Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he 'll call on you presently.

Dang. That's true-I shall certainly be at home.-[Exit SERVANT.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer, egad, Mr. Puff's your

man.

Sir Fret. Psha! Sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it?

Dang. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer

Sir Fret. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle; don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least?

Dang. Nay, I only thought—

Sir Fret. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt when I tell you I am not.

Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful?

Sir Fret. Gad's life! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you have been repeating to me!and, let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen-and, then, your dis

respect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms -and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt-and so your servant. [Exit Sneer. Ha ha ha! poor Sir Fretful ! Now will he

go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors.-But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy.

Dang. I'll answer for 't, he 'll thank you for desiring it. But come and help me to judge of this musical family: they are recommended by people of consequence, I assure you.

Sneer. I am at your disposal the whole morning;-but I thought you had been a decided critic in music as well as in literature.

Dang. So I am-but I have a bad ear. I' faith, Sneer, though, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful-though he is my friend.

Sneer. Why, 'tis certain, that unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writer is a cruelty which mere dulness never can deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity.

Dang. That's true, egad!-though he's my friend!

SCENE II-A Drawing-room in DANGLE'S House

MRS. DANGLE, SIGNOR PASTICCIO RITORNELLO, SIGNORE PASTICCIO RITORNELLO, INTERPRETER, and MUSICIANS discovered

Interp. Je dis, madame, j'ai l'honneur to introduce et do vous demander votre protection pour le signor Pasticcio Ritornello et pour sa charmante famille.

Signor Past. Ah! vosignoria, noi vi preghiamo di favoritevi colla vostra protezione.

1 Signora Past. Vosignoria fatevi questi grazie.

2 Signora Past. Si, signora.

Interp. Madame-me interpret.-C'est à dire-in English -qu'ils vous prient de leur faire l'honneur

Mrs. Dang. I say again, gentlemen, I don't understand a word you say.

Signor Past. Questo signóre spiegherò