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Col. Town. Did I not come to this place at your express desire, and for no purpose but the honour of meeting you ? —and after waiting a month in disappointment, have you condescended to explain, or in the slightest way apologise, for your conduct ?
Ber. O Heavens l apologise for my conduct kapologise to you 1! O you barbarian ! But pray now, my good serious colonel, have you anything more to add ?
Col. Town. Nothing, madam, but that after such behaviour I am less surprised at what I saw just now'; it is not very wonderful that the woman who can trifle with the delicate addresses of an honourable lover should be found coquetting with the husband of her friend.
Ber. Very true; no more wonderful than it was for this honourable lover to divert himself in the absence of this coquette, with endeavouring to seduce his friend's wife! O colonel, colonel, don't talk of honour or your friend, for Heaven's sakel
Col. Town. (Aside.] 'Sdeath! how came, she to suspect this 2-[Aloud.) Really, madam, I don't understand you.
Ber. Nay, nay, you saw I did not pretend to misunderstand you.-But here comes the lady : perhaps you would be glad to be left with her for an explanation.
Col. Town. O madam, this recrimination is a poor resource; and to convince you how much you are mistaken, I beg leave to decline the happiness you propose me.Madam, your servant.
COLONEL TOWNLY whispers AMANDA, and
Ber. (Aside.] He carries it off well, however ; upon my word, very well! How tenderly they part 1.-[Aloud.] So, cousin ; I hope you have not been chiding your admirer for being with me? I assure you we have been talking of you.
Aman. Fy, Berinthia |--my admirer ! will you never learn to talk in earnest of any thing ?
Ber. Why, this shall be in earnest, if you please ; for my part, I only tell you matter of fact.
Aman. I'm sure there's so much jest and earnest in what you say to me on this subject, I scarce know how to take it. I have just parted with Mr. Loveless ; perhaps
it is fancy, but I think there is an alteration in his manner which alarms me.
Ber. And so you are jealous ! is that all ?
Ber. Care as little for my husband as he did for me, Look you, Amanda, you may build castles in the air, and fume, and fret, and grow thin, and lean, and pale, and ugly, if you please; but I tell you, no man worth having is true to his wife, or ever was, or ever will be so.
Aman. Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did not suspect him ?
Ber. Think so? I am sure of it.
Aman. Right-the very same I But who could have told you this ?
Ber. Um kOh, Townly! I suppose your husband has made him his confidant.
Aman. O base Loveless! And what did Townly say on't?
Ber: [Aside.) So, so! why should she ask that ? [Aloud.] Say! why he abused Loveless extremely, and said all the tender things of you in the world.
Aman. Did he ?-Oh! my heart 1-I'm very ill-dear Berinthia, don't leave me a moment.
SCENE III.-Outside of SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY's House
Enter Tom FASHION and LORY
Fash. So, here's our inheritance, Lory, if we can but get into possession. But methinks the seat of our family looks like Noah's ark, as if the chief part on 't were designed for the fowls of the air, and the beasts of the field.
Lory. Pray, sir, don't let your head run upon the orders of building here : get but the heiress, let the devil take the house.
Fash. Get but the house, let the devil take the heiress! I say.-But come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door.---LORY knocks two or three times at the gate.]
What the devil I have they got no ears in this house ?Knock harder.
Lory. Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle ; we shall have the giant come out, by-and-bye, with his club, and beat our brains out.
(Knocks again Fash. Hush, they come. Serv. [Within.] Who is there?
Lory. Open the door and see : is that your country breeding ?
Serv. Ay, but two words to that bargain.—Tummas, is the blunderbuss primed ?
Fash. Ouns I give 'em good words, Lory,—or we shall be shot here a fortune catching.
Lory. Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on 't.—Ho ! Mr. What-d’ye-call-'um, will you please to let us in ? are we to be left to grow like willows by your moat side ?
SERVANT appears at the window with a blunderbuss Serv. Well naw, what's ya're business?
Fash. Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir Tunbelly, with your leave.
Serv. To weat upon Sir Tunbelly ! why you'll find that's just as Sir Tunbelly pleases.
Fash. But will you do me the favour, sir, to know whether Sir Tunbelly pleases or not?
Serv. Why, look you, d’ye see, with good words much may be done.—Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to be waited upon-and dost hear, call to nurse, that she may lock up Miss Hoyden before the gates open.
Fash. D' ye hear that, Lory? Enter SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY, with SERVANTS, armed with
guns, clubs, pitchforks, &c. Lory. Oh! (Runs behind his master.] O Lord ! O Lord ! Lord ! we are both dead men !
Fash. Fool! thy fear will ruin us. [Aside to LORY
Lory. My fear, sir ? 'sdeath, sir, I fear nothing.-[Aside.) Would I were well up to the chin in a horsepond !
Sir Tun. Who is it here hath any business with me ? Fash. Sir, 'tis I, if your name be Sir Tunbelly Clumsy.
Sir Tun. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether you have any business with me or not.-So you see I am not ashamed of my name, nor my face either.
Fash. Sir, you have no cause that I know of.
Sir Tun. Sir, if you have no cause either, I desire to know who you are ; for, till I know your name, I sha'n't ask you to come into my house : and when I do know your name, 'tis six to four I don't ask you then.
Fash. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an authentic passport.
[Gives him a letter Sir Tun. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler -I ask your lordship's pardon ten thousand times.--[To a SERVANT.) Here, run in a-doors quickly ; get a Scotch coal fire in the parlour, set all the Turkey work chairs in their places, get the brass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the socket full of laurel-run 1-[Turns to Tom FASHION.) My lord, I ask your lordship's pardon.-[TO SERVANT.) And, do you hear, run away to nurse ; bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again.—[Exit SERVANT.] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of my family. We are not used to receive men of your lordship's great quality every day. Pray where are your coaches and servants, my lord ?
Fash. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proof how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipage to follow me, and came away post with only one servant.
Sir Tun. Your lordship does me too much honour-it was exposing your person to too much fatigue and danger, I protest it was ; but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can; and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden has charms.
Fash. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am to her; common fame has done her justice.
Sir Tun. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humble servant. My lord, my girl's young-Hoyden is young, my lord ; but this I must say for her, what she wants in art she has in breeding; and what's wanting in her age is made good in her constitution.—So pray, my lord, walk in ; pray, my lord, walk in. Fash. Sir, I wait upon you.
SCENE IV.-A Room in SIR TUNBELLY CLUMSY's House
Miss HOYDEN discovered alone Miss Hoyd. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am ! I know well enough what other girls do, for all they think to make a fool o' me. It's well I have a husband a-coming, or ecod I'd marry the baker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but presently I must be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run loose about the house all the day long, so she can.'Tis very well !
Nurse. [Without, opening the door.) Miss Hoyden! miss, miss, miss I Miss Hoyden !
Miss Hoyd. Well, what do you make such a noise for, ha ? What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be at quiet for you?
Nurse. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come will din your ears for you.
Miss Hoyd. What care I who's come ? I care not a fig who comes, or who goes, so long as must be locked up like the ale-cellar.
Nurse. That, miss, is for fear you should be drank before you are ripe.
Miss Hoyd. Oh, don't trouble your head about that ; I'm as ripe as you, though not so mellow.
Nurse. Very well ! Now I have a good mind to lock you up again, and not let you see my lord to-night.
Miss Hoyd. My lord I why, is my husband come ? Nurse. Yes, marry, is he; and a goodly person too.
Miss Hoyd. [Hugs NURSE.) Oh, my dear nurse, forgive me this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three thumps on the back, and a great pinch by the cheek.
Nurse. Ah, the poor thing! see now it melts ; it's as full of good-nature as an egg's full of meat.
Miss Hoyd. But, my dear nurse, don't lie now-is he come, by your troth ?
Nurse. Yes, by my truly, is he.
Miss Hoyd. O Lord I I'll go and put on my laced tucker, though I'm locked up for a month for 't.
[Exeunt. Miss HOYDEN goes off capering, and twirl
ing her doll by its leg