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Sir Tun. I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know what it is.
Lord Fop. Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write to my Lord Foppington, to come down and marry thy daughter ?
Sir Tun. Yes, marry, did I, and my Lord Foppington is come down, and shall marry my daughter before she's a day older.
Lord Fop. Now give me thy hand, old dad; I thought we should understand one another at last.
Sir Tun. The fellow's mad | Here, bind him hand and foot.
[They bind him Lord Fop. Nay, pr’ythee, knight, leave fooling; thy jest begins to grow dull.
Sir Tun. Bind him, I say-he's mad : bread and water, a dark room, and a whip, may bring him to his senses again.
Lord Fop. Pr’ythee, Sir Tunbelly, why should you take such an aversion to the freedom of my address as to suffer the rascals thus to skewer down my arms like a rabbit [Aside.) Egad, if I don't awake, by all that I can see, this is like to prove one of the most impertinent dreams that ever I dreamt in my life.
Re-enter Miss HOYDEN and NURSE
Miss Hoyd. [Going up to LORD FOPPINGTON.) Is this he that would have run ?- Fough, how he stink of sweets ! -Pray, father, let him be dragged through the horsepond.
Lord Fop. This must be my wife, by her natural inclination to her husband.
[Aside Miss Hoyd. Pray, father, what do you intend to do with him-hang him ?
Sir Tun. That at least, child.
Lord Fop. Madame la gouvernante, I presume : hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary families that ever man of quality matched into.
[Aside Sir Tun. What 's become of my lord, daughter ? Miss Hoyd. He's just coming, sir. Lord Fop. My lord, what does he mean by that, now?
Re-enter Tom FASHION and LORY
Stap my vitals, Tam, now the dream 's out !
[Runs Fash. Is this the fellow, sir, that designed to trick me of your daughter ?
Sir Tun. This is he, my lord; how do you like him ? is not he a pretty fellow to get a fortune ?
Fash. I find by his dress he thought your daughter might be taken with a beau.
Miss Hoyd. Oh, gemini! is this a beau ? let me him again. (Surveys him.) Ha! I find a beau is no such ugly thing, neither.
Fash. [Aside.] Egad, she 'll be in love with him presently -I 'll e'en have him sent away to jail.—[TO LORD FOPPINGTON.) Sir, though your undertaking shows you a person of no extraordinary modesty, I suppose you ha’n't confidence enough to expect much favour from me ?
Lord Fop. Strike me dumb, Tam, thou art a very impudent fellow.
Nurse. Look, if the varlet has not the effrontery to call his lordship plain Thomas !
Lord Fop. My Lord Foppington, shall I beg one word with your lordship ?
Nurse. Ho, ho, it's my lord with him now! See how afflictions will humble folks.
Miss Hoyd. Pray, my lord-(TO FASHION.)-don't let him whisper too close, lest he bite your ear off.
Lord Fop. I am not altogether so hungry as your ladyship is pleased to imagine.- Aside to Tom FASHION.] Look you, Tam, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought, but I hope you 'll forgive what 's past, and accept of the five thousand pounds I offer—thou mayst live in extreme splendour with it, stap my vitals I
Fash. It 's a much easier matter to prevent a disease than to cure it. A quarter of that sum would have secured your mistress ; twice as much cannot redeem her.
(Aside to LORD FOPPINGTON Sir Tun. Well, what says Fash. Only the rascal offered me a bribe to let him go.
Sir Tun. Ay, he shall go, with a plague to him I-Lead on, constable.
Serv. Sir, here is Muster Loveless, and Muster Colonel Townly, and some ladies to wait on you. (To Tom FASHION) Lory. (Aside to Tom FASHION.] So, sir, what will you do now?
Fash. (Aside to Lory.] Be quiet; they are in the plot. -[Aloud.] Only a few friends, Sir Tunbelly, whom I wish to introduce to you.
Lord Fop. Thou art the most impudent fellow, Tam, that ever nature yet brought into the world.-Sir Tunbelly, strike me speechless, but these are my friends and acquaintance, and my guests, and they will soon inform thee whether I am the true Lord Foppington or not.
Enter LOVELESS, COLONEL TOWNLY, AMANDA, and BERIN
THIA.—LORD FOPPINGTON accosts them as they pass, but none answer him.
Fash, So, gentlemen, this is friendly ; I rejoice to see you.
Col. Town. My lord, we are fortunate to be the witnesses of your lordship's happiness.
Love. But your lordship will do us the honour to introduce us to Sir Tunbelly Clumsy ?
Aman. And us to your lady.
Sir Tun. Gentlemen, you do me much honour; my Lord Foppington's friends will ever be welcome to me and mine.
Fash. My love, let me introduce you to these ladies.
Miss Hoyd. By goles, they look so fine and so stiff, I am almost ashamed to come nigh 'em.
Aman. A most engaging lady, indeed I
Ber. And I doubt not will soon distinguish herself in the beau-monde.
Miss Hoyd. Where is that ?
Love. Sir! I was not addressing myself to you, sir ! Pray who is this gentleman ? He seems rather in a singular predicament
Col. Town. For so well-dressed a person, a little oddly circumstanced, indeed.
Sir Tun. Hal ha! ha 1-So, these are your friends and your guests, ha, my adventurer ?
Lord Fop. I am struck dumb with their impudence, and cannot positively say whether I shall ever speak again or not.
Sir Tun. Why, sir, this modest gentleman wanted to pass himself upon me as Lord Foppington, and carry off my daughter.
Love. A likely plot to succeed, truly, ha! ha!
Lord Fop. As Gad shall judge me, Loveless, I did not expect this from thee. Come, pr’ythee confess the joke ; tell Sir Tunbelly that I am the real Lord Foppington, who yesterday made love to thy wife ; was honoured by her with a slap on the face, and afterwards pinked through the body by thee.
Sir Tun. A likely story, truly, that a peer would behave thus !
Love. A pretty fellow, indeed, that would scandalize the character he wants to assume ; but what will you do with him, Sir Tunbelly ?
Sir Tun. Commit him, certainly, unless the bride and bridegroom choose to pardon him.
Lord Fop. Bride and bridegroom ! For Gad's sake, Sir Tunbelly, 'tis tarture to me to hear you call 'em so.
Miss Hoyd. Why, you ugly thing, what would you have him call us-dog and cat ?
Lord Fop. By no means, miss ; for that sounds ten times more like man and wife than t' other.
Sir Tun. A precious rogue this to come a-wooing !
Serv. There are some gentlefolks below to wait upon Lord Foppington.
[Exit Col. Town. 'Sdeath, Tom, what will you do now?
[Aside to Tom FASHION Lord Fop. Now, Sir Tunbelly, here are witnesses who I believe are not corrupted.
Sir Tun. Peace, fellow 1-Would your lordship choose to have your guests shown here, or shall they wait till we come to em ?
Fash. I lieve, Sir Tunbelly, we had better not have these visitors here yet.—[Aside.] Egad, all must out. Love. Confess, confess; we'll stand by you.
[Aside to Tom FASHION Lord Fop. Nay, Sir Tunbelly, I insist on your calling evidence on both sides—and if I do not prove that fellow an impostorFash. Brother, I will save you the trouble, by now con78—1*
fessing that I am not what I have passed myself for.Sir Tunbelly, I am a gentleman, and I flatter myself a man of character ; but 'tis with great pride I assure you I am not Lord Foppington.
Sir Tun, Ouns ! - what's this ? an impostor ? cheat ?-fire and faggots, sir, if you are not Lord Foppington, who the devil are you?
Fash. Sir, the best of my condition is, I am your son-inlaw; and the worst of it is, I am brother to that noble peer.
Lord Fop. Impudent to the last, Gad dem me!
Fash. Pardon me, sir ; thanks to the goodness of your chaplain, and the kind offices of this gentlewoman.
Lory. 'Tis true, indeed, sir ; I gave your daughter away, and Mrs. Nurse, here, was clerk.
Sir Tun. Knock that rascal down l-But speak, Jezebel, how's this ?
Nurse. Alas! your honour, forgive me; I have been over-reached in this business as well as you. Your worship knows, if the wedding-dinner had been ready, you would have given her away with your own hands.
Sir Tun. But how durst you do this without acquainting
Nurse. Alas ! If your worship had seen how the poor thing begged and prayed, and clung and twined about me like ivy round an old wall, you would say, I who had nursed it, and reared it, must have had a heart like stone to refuse it.
Sir Tun. Ouns ! I shall go mad! Unloose my lord there, you scoundrels !
Lord Fop. Why, when these gentlemen are at leisure, I should be glad to congratulate you on your son-in-law, with a little more freedom of address.
Miss Hoyd. Egad, though, I don't see which is to be my husband after all.
Love. Come, come, Sir Tunbelly, a man of your understanding must perceive that an affair of this kind is not to be mended by anger and reproaches.
Col. Town. Take my word for it, Sir Tunbelly, you are only tricked into a son-in-law you may be proud of : my friend Tom Fashion is as honest a fellow as ever breathed.
Love. That he is, depend on 't; and will hunt or drink with you most affectionately : be generous, old boy, and forgive them