Maj. J. And would shed my best blood to relieve them. Mrs. S. Gallant gentleman! Maj. S. The brave must favour the fair. Maj. S. Divine Mrs. Sneak! Mrs. S. Obliging commander! Maj. S. Might I be permitted the honour- Maj. S. Just to ravish a kiss from your hand? Mrs. S. You have a right to all we can grant. Maj. S. Courteous, condescending, complying-Hum-Ha! Re-enter JERRY SNEAK. Sneak. Chuck, my brother and sister Bruin are just turning the corner; the Clapham stage was quite full, and so they came by vater. Mrs. S. I wish they had all been soused in the Thames.-A prying, impertinent puppy! Maj. S. Next time I will clap a sentinel to secure the door. Mrs. S. Major Sturgeon, permit me to with. draw for a moment; iny dress demands a little repair. Maj. S. Your ladyship's most entirely devoted. Mrs. S. Ladyship! he is the very Broglio and Belleisle of the army! Sneak. Shall I wait upon you, dove? Mrs. S. No, dolt; what, would you leave the major alone? Is that your manners, you mongrel? Mai. S. Oh, Madam, I can never be alone; your sweet idear will be my constant compan 100. Mrs. S. Mark that: I am sorry, Sir, I am obligated to leave you. Maj. S. Madam Maj. S. That's right: she is a woman of infinite merit. Sneak. O, a power! And don't you think she is very pretty withal? Maj. S. A Venus! Sneak. Yes, werry like Venus.-Mayhap you have known her some time? Maj. S. Long. Sneak. Belike before she was married? Sneak. Ay, when she was a virgin. I thought you was an old acquaintance, by your kissing her hand; for we ben't quite so familiar as that.-But then indeed we ha'n't been married a year. Maj. S. The mere honeymoon. Sneak. Ay, ay, I suppose we shall come to it by degrees. Bruin. [Without.] Come along, Jane; why you are as pursy and lazy, you jade Enter BRUIN and MRS. BRUIN; BRUIN with a cotton cap on; his wife with his wig, great coat, and fishing-rod. Come, Jane, give me my wig: you slut, how you have tousled the curls! Master Sneak, a good morning to you. Sir, I am your humble servant unknown. Maj. S. I will wait on the lady immediately. how impatient she is. [Exit MAJOR.] A good Sneak. Don't tarry an instant; you can't think morrow to you, brother Bruin: you have had a warm walk across the fields. Mrs. B. Good lord, I am all in a muckBruin. And who may you thank for it, hus Mrs. S. Especially with such a wretched sy? if you had got up time enough, you might companion. Maj. S. Oh, Madam Mrs. S. But as soon as my dress is restored, I shall fly to relieve your distress. Maj. S. For that moment I shall wait with the greatest impatience. Mrs. S. Courteous commander! Muj. S. Paragon of women! Maj. S. Adieu! [Exit MRS. SNEAK. Sneak. Notwithstanding, Sir, all my chicken has said, I am special company when she is not by. Maj. S. I doubt not, Master Sneak. Sneak. If you would but come one Thursday night to our club, at the Nag's-head in the Poultry, you would meet some roaring, rare boys, 'faith; there's Jemmy Perkins, the packer; little Tom Simkins, the grocer; honest Master Muzzle, the midwife Maj. S. A goodly company. Sneak. Ay, and then sometimes we have the choice spirits from Comus' court, and we crack jokes, and are so jolly and funny. I have learnt myself to sing "An old woman clothed in grey" but I durst not sing out loud, because my wife would overhear me; and she says as how I bawl worser than the broomman.* Maj. S. And you must not think of disobliging your lady. Sneak. I never does: I never contradicts her, not I. have secured the stage; but you are a lazy lie-abed Mrs. B. There's Mr. Sneak keeps my sister a chay. Bruin. And so he may; but I know better what to do with my money. Mrs. B. For the matter of that, we can afford it well enough as it is. Bruin. And how do you know that? Who told you as much, Mrs. Mixen? I hope I know the world better than to trust my concerns with a wife: no, no, thank you for that, Mrs. Jane. Mrs. B. And pray who is more fitterer to be trusted? Bruin. Hey-day! Why, the wench is bewitch'd: : come, come, let's have none of your palaver here.-Take twelve-pence and pay the waterman.-But first see if he has broke none of the pipes:-and, d'ye hear, Jane, be sure to lay the fishing-rod safe. [Exit MRS. BRUIN. Sneak. Odds me, how finely she's managed! what would I give to have my wife as much under! Bruin. It is all your own fault, brother Sneak. Sneak. D'ye think so? She is a sweet pretty creature. Bruin. A vixen. Sneak. Why, to say the truth, she does now and then hector a little; and, between ourselves, domineers like the devil. O Lord, I lead the life of a dog. Why, she allows me An alteration in this sentence is generally made, to but two shillings a week for my pocket. introduce a comic song, for which see p. 195. Bruin. No! Sneak. No, man; 'tis she that receives and pays all: and then I am forced to trot after her to church, with her cardinal, pattens, and prayer-book, for all the world as if I was still a 'prentice. Bruin. Zounds! I would souse them all in the kennel. bours, with all the decency and confusion usual upon these occasions. 1 Mob. Ay, ay, there is no doing without that. All. No, no, no. Heel. Silence then, and keep the peace: what, is there no respect paid to authority? Sneak. I durst not. And then at table, I am not I the returning officer? never gets what I loves. Bruin. The devil! Sneak. No; she always helps me herself to the tough drumsticks of the turkeys, and the damned fat flaps of shoulders of mutton. 1 don't think I have eat a bit of under-crust since we have been married. You see, brother Bruin, I am almost as thin as a lath. Bruin. An absolute skeleton ! Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my point, I would so swinge and leather my lambkin; God, I would so curry and claw her! Bruin, By the lord Harry, she richly de serves it. Sneak, Will you, brother, lend me a lift? Bruin. Command me at all times. Sneak. Why then, I will verily pluck up a spirit; and the first time she offers to Mrs. S. [Without.] Jerry, Jerry Sneak! Sneak. 'Gad's my life, sure as a gun that's her voice: lookye, brother, I don't choose to breed a disturbance in another body's house; but as soon as ever I get home Bruin. Now is your time. Sneak. No, no; it would not be decent. Mrs. S. [Without.] Jerry! Jerry! Sneak. I come, lovy. But you will be sure to stand by me? Bruin. Trot, nincompoop. Sneak. Well, if I don't I wishMrs. S. [Without.] Where is this lazy puppy a-loitering? Sneak. I come, chuck, as fast as I can. Good Lord, what a sad life do I lead! [Exit. Bruin. Ex quovis linguo: who can make a silk purse of a sow's ear? Re-enter SIR JACOB, Sir J. Come, son Bruin, we are all seated at table, man; we have but just time for a snack; the candidates are near upon coming. Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-spirited.Damn it, before I would submit to such aSir J. Come, come, man; don't be so crusty. Bruin, I follow, Sir Jacob. Damme, when once a man gives up his prerogative, he might as well give up-But, however, it is no bread and butter of mine.Jerry! Jerry!Zounds, I would Jerry and jerk her too. ACT II. SCENE I. All. Ay, ay, ay. Heel. Chosen by yourselves, and approved of by Sir Jacob? All. True, true. Heel. Well then, be silent and civil; stand back there, that gentleman without a shirt, and make room for your betters. Where's Simon Snuffle, the Sexton? Snuffle. Here. Heel. Let him come forward; we appoint him our secretary: for Simon is a scollard, and can read written hand; and so let him be respected accordingly. 3 Mob. Room for Master Snuffle. Heel. Here, stand by me: and let us, neigh bours, proceed to open the premunire of the thing: but first, your reverence to the lord of the manor: a long life and a merry one to our landlord, Sir Jacob! Huzza! Mob. Huzza! Sneak. How fares it, honest Crispin? Heel. Servant, Master Sneak. Let us now open the premunire of the thing, which I shall do briefly, with all the loquacity possible; that is, in a medium way; which, that we may the better do it, let the secretary read the names of the candidates, and what they say for themselves; and then we shall know what to say of them. Master Snuffle, begin. Snuffle. [Reads.]" To the worthy inhabitants of the ancient corporation of Garratt. Gentlemen, your votes and interests are humbly requested in favour of Timothy Goose, to succeed our late worthy mayor, Mr. Richard Dripping, in the said office, he being Heel. This Goose is but a kind of gosling, a sort of sneaking scoundrel. Who is he? Snuffle. A journeyman tailor from Putney. he the impudence to transpire to be mayor? Heel. A journeyman tailor! A rascal, has office? Why, it is a burden for the back of a D'ye consider, neighbours, the weight of this porter; and can you think that this crosslegg'd, cabbage-eating son of a cucumber, this whey-faced ninny, who is but the ninth part of a man, has strength to support it? 1 Mob. No Goose! no Goose! 2 Mob. A Goose! next. [Exit. SIR JACOB JOLLUP, MAJOR STURGEON, BRUIN, MRS. BRUIN, JERRY SNEAK, and MRS. SNEAK, discovered on SIR JACOB's garden wall.-Enter MOB, with HEELTAP at their head; some crying a Goose, others a Mug, and others a Primmer. Heel. Silence, there; silence! 3 Mob. Ay, ay, hear him, hear Crispin: he will put us into the model of the thing at once. Heel. Why then, silence! I say. All. Silence! Heel. Silence, and let us proceed, neigh Heel. Hold your hissing, and proceed to the Snuffle. [Reads.]" Your votes are desired for Matthew Mug. Mob. A Mug! a Mug! Heel. Oh, oh, what you are all ready to have a touch of the tankard: but fair and soft, good neighbours, and, unless I am mistaken, you will find him a damned bitter draught. 1 Mob. A Mug! a Mug! 2 Mob. Hear him; hear Master Heeltap. 1 Mob. A Mug! a Mug! Heel. Harkee, you fellow, with your mouth full of mug, let me ask you a question: bring him forward. Pray is not this Matthew Mug, a victualler? 3 Mob. I believe he may., Heel. And lives at the sign of the Adam and Eve? 3 Mob. I believe he may. Heel. Now answer upon your honour, and as you are a gentleman, what is the present | price of a quart of home-brewed at the Adam and Eve? 3 Mob. I don't know. Heel. You lie, sirrah: an't it a groat? 3 Mob. I believe it may. Heel. Oh, may be so. Now, neighbours, here's a pretty rascal; this same Mug, because, d'ye see, state affairs would not jog glibly without laying a farthing a quart upon ale, this scoundrel, not contented to take things in a medium way, has had the impudence to rise it a penny. Mob. No Mug! no Mug! Heel. So, I thought I should crack Mr. Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Simon. Snuffle. The next upon the list is Peter Primmer, the schoolmaster. Heel. Ay, neighbours, and a sufficient man: let me tell you, Master Primmer is the man for my money; a man of learning, that can lay down the law; why, adzooks, he is wise enough to puzzle the parson: and then, how you have heard him oration at the Adam and Eve, of a Saturday night, about Russia and Prussia. 'Ecod, George Gage the exciseman is nothing at all to un. 4 Mob. A Primmer! Mrs. B. Well, I like it so well, that I hope to see one every year. Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be damnably bit; you may take your leave, I can tell you; for this is the last you shall see. Sir J. Fie, Mr. Bruin, how can you be such a bear? Is that a manner of treating your wife? Bruin. What, I suppose you would have me such a snivelling sot as your son-in-law, Sneak, to truckle and cringe, to fetch and to Re-enter JERRY SNEAK, in a violent hurry. brother, I have such a dismal story to tell you. Sneak. Where's brother Bruin? O Lord! Bruin. What's the matter? Sneak. Why, you know I went into the garden to look for my vife and the major, and there I hunted and hunted as sharp as if it deuce a major or madam could I see; at last, had been for one of my own minikins; but the a thought came into my head to look for them up in the summer-house. Bruin. And there you found them? and then I looked through the key-hole: and Sneak. I'll tell you: the door was locked; there, Lord ha' mercy upon us! [Whispers.] as sure as a gun. Bruin. Indeed! Zounds, why did not you Heel. Ay, if the folks above did but know him. Why, lads, he will make us all states-break open the door? men in time. 2 Mob. Indeed! Sneak. I durst not. What, would you have Heel. Why, he swears as how, all the mis-major would have knocked me down with one me set my wit to a soldier? I warrant the carriages are owing to the great people's not of his boots. learning to read. 3 Mob. Indeed! Heel. "For," says Peter, says he, "if they would but once submit to be learned by me, there is no knowing to what a pitch the nation might rise." 1 Mob. Ay, I wish they would. Eneak. Crispin, what is Peter Primmer a candidate? Heel. He is, Master Sneak. Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as well as my mother: why, I used to go to his lectures to Pewterers'-hall, 'long with deputy Firkin. Heel. Like enough. Sneak. Odds me, brother Bruin, can you tell me what is become of my vife? Bruin. She is gone off with the major. Sneak. Mayhap to take a walk in the garden. I will go and take a peep at what they are doing. [Exit. Mob. [Without.] Huzza! Heel. Gad-so! the candidates are coming. [Exeunt MOB, &c. Re-enter SIR JACOB JOLLUP, BRUIN, and MRS. BRUIN, through the garden gate. Sir J. Well, son Bruin, how d'ye relish the corporation of Garratt? Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my way is always to speak what I think: I don't approve on't at all. Mrs. B. No! Bruin. Very well! Pretty doings! you see, You may call me a bear, but your daughter Sir Jacob, these are the fruits of indulgence. shall never make me a beast. [MOB huzzas. Sir J. Hey-day! What, is the election over already? Re-enter CRISPIN HEELTAP, &c. Heel. Where is Master Sneak? Sneak. Here, Crispin. Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratt, in consideration of your great parts and abili ties, and out of respect to their landlord, Sir Jacob, have unanimously chosen you mayor. Sneak. Me! huzza! Good Lord, who would have thought it? But how came Master Primmer to lose it? tors, that Master Primmer was an Irishman; Heel. Why, Phil Fleam had told the elecand so they would none of them give their vote for a foreigner. Sneak. So then I have it for certain: huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage my madam. 'Gad, I'll make her know I am a man of authority; she shan't think to bullock and domineer over me. Mrs. S. [Without.] Jerry! Jerry! Bruin. Now for it, Sneak; the enemy's ai hand. Sneak. You promise to stand by me, brother Bruin? Bruin. Fine! don't bate her an inch. [Apart. | man, indeed! I wish people would mind Mrs. S. Hey-day! I am amazed! Why, Apurt. what is the meaning of this? Sneak. The meaning is plain; that I am grown a man, and vil do what I please, without being accountable to nobody. Mrs. S. Why, the fellow is surely bewitched. Sneak. No, I am unwitched, and that you shall know to your cost; and since you provoke me, I will tell you a bit of my mind; what, I am the husband, I hope? Bruin. That's right; at her again. Sneak. Yes, and you shan't think to hector [Apart. and domineer over me as you have done; for I'll go to the club when I please, and stay out as late as I list, and row in a boat to Putney on Sundays, and wisit my friends at Vitsontide, and keep the key of the till, and help myself at table to vhat wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the brown. Bruin. Bravo, brother Sneak, the day's your own. vas Sneak. An't it? Why, I did not think it [Apart. in me. Shall I tell her all I know? Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck [Apart. dumb. Sneak. As an oyster. [Apart.] Besides, Ma[Apart. dam, I have something furder to tell you: 'ecod, if some folks go into gardens with majors, mayhap other people may go into garrets with maids.- -There, I gave it her home, brother Bruin. Mrs. S. Why, noodle! jackanapes! harkye, [Apart. who am I? Am Sneak. Come, don't go to call names. I? vhy, my vife, and I am your master. Mrs. S. My master! you paltry, puddling puppy! you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling whelp! near me. Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin: how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; Maj. S. Then! why then you would be broke. Bruin. Broke! and for what? these things are out of your spear; points of Maj. S. What! read the articles of war. But honour are for the sons of the sword. was your honour when you got my vife in the Sneak. Honour! if you come to that, where garden? Muj. S. Now, Sir Jacob, this is the curse of our cloth: all suspected for the faults of a few. Sneak. Ay, and not without reason. I heard you was campaigning about, I did. Father Sir of your tricks at the King of Bohemy, when Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram. Sneak; for the sake of your amiable lady, I Maj. S. Stop whilst you are safe, Master pardon what is past-but for you Bruin. Well. [TO BRUIN. Maj. S. Dread the whole force of my fury. Bruin. Why, lookye, Major Sturgeon, I because why, they are out of my way; but if don't much care for your poppers and sharps, you will doff with your boots, and box a couple of bouts Maj. S. Box! box!-Blades! bullets! bag Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come Mrs. S. Have I, sirrah, demeaned myself to [Apart. shot! wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee? oh, risk not so precious a life. Ungrateful Mrs. S. Not for the world, my dear major; Have I not made myself a by-word to all my wretches! and is this the reward for all the acquaintance? Don't all the world cry, Lord, great feats he has done? After all his marchwho would have thought it? Miss Molly Jol-ings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimlup to be married to Sneak; to take up at last mings, must his dear blood be spilt by a browith such a noodle as he? Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me; you know you was pretty near your last legs. Mrs. S. Was there ever such a confident cur? My last legs! Why, all the country knows I could have picked and choosed where I would. Did not I refuse 'Squire Ap-Griffith from Wales? Did not Counsellor Crab come a courting a twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, the great brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should keep my post-chay? Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had werry good proffers, that is certain. Mrs. S. My last legs! but I can rein my [Apart. passion no longer; let me get at the villain. Bruin. O fie, sister Sneak. Sneak. Hold her fast. [Apart. Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me: what, is it you that have stirred up these coals then? He is set on by you to abuse me. Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man behave like a man. Mrs. S. What, and are you to teach him, I warrant. But here comes the major. Re-enter MAJOR STURGEON. ker? these little fracasas we soldiers are subject to; Maj. S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; ters may be conducted in a military manner, I trifles, bagatailes, Mrs. Sneak. But, that matwill get our chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expect to hear from my adjutant. [To BRUIN. Mrs. S. Major! Sir Jacob! what, are you a very manly action indeed, to set married all leagued against his dear life? A man! yes, people a quarrelling, and ferment a difference you would not stand by and see a poor woman between husband and wife: if you were a man, why, brother Bruin, you have set her a veeping. beat and abused by a brute, you would not. Sneak. O Lord, I can hold out no longer! My life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever think should have made my Molly to veep? Mrs. S. Last legs! you lubberly I Sir J. Oh, fie, Molly! [Strikes him. Mrs. S. What, are you leagued against me, Sir Jacob? Sir J. Pr'ythee, don't expose yourself before the whole parish. But what has been the occasion of this? Mrs. S. Why, has not he gone and made Oh, major! such a riot and rumpus! Like a himself the fool of the fair? Mayor of Garratt, indeed! 'ecod, I could trample him under my feet. Sneak. Nay, why should you grudge me my purfarment? Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? Why thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee goest. Lookye, Jerry, mind what I say; go get 'em to choose somebody else, or never come near me again. Sneak. What shall I do, father Sir Jacob? Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in too serious a light; my honest neighbours thought to compliment me: but come, we'll settle the business at once. Neighbours, my son Sneak being seldom amongst us, the duty will never be done; so we will get our honest friend, Heeltap, to execute the office: he is, I think, every way qualified. Mob. A Heeltap! Heel. What, do you mean as Master Jeremy's deputy? Sir J. Ay, ay, his locum tenens. Sneak. Do, Crispin, do be my locum tenens. Heel. Give me your hand, Master Sneak, and to oblige you I will be the locum tenens. Sir J. So, that is settled: but now to heal the other breach: come, major, the gentlemen of your cloth seldom bear malice; let me interpose between you and my son. Maj. S. Your son-in-law, Sir Jacob, does deserve a castigation; but on recollection, a cit would but sully my arms. I forgive him. Sir J. That's right. As a token of amity, and to celebrate our feast, let us call in the fiddles. Now if the major had but his shoes, he might join in a country dance. Maj. S. Sir Jacob, no shoes; a major must be never out of his boots; always ready for action. Mrs. Sneak will find me lightsome enough. Sneak. What, are all the vomen engaged? why then my locum tenens and I will jig together. Forget and forgive, major. Maj. S. Freely. Nor be it said, that after all my toil, I stain'd my regimentals by a broil.' To you I dedicate boots, sword, and shield, Sir J. As harmless in the chamber as the field. [Exeunt. In the character of Jerry Sneak, it has been usual to introduce the following comic song, of ROBINSON CRUSOE, When I was a lad, my fortune was bad, I'll bet you a can, you have heard of the man, Oh! poor Robinson Crusoe, You've read in a book of a voyage he took, Poor soul! none but he escap'd on the sea, Which received poor Robinson Crusoe. But he sav'd from on board a gun and a sword, That by dint of his thrift he manag'd to shift He wanted something to eat, and couldn't get meat, And starv'd, would poor Robinson Crusoe. And he happen'd to save from the merciless wave, Then he got all the wood that ever he could, While his man Friday kept the house snug and tidy, To be sure 'twas his business to do so, They liv'd friendly together, less like servant than neighbour, Liv'd Friday and Robinson Crusoe. Then he wore a large cap, and a coat without nap, At length, within hail, he saw a stout sail, Oh! poor, &c. |