ble, Harriot!What is the matter with you! Har. Nothing, Sir.-Pray go on. Heart. I guess whence proceeds all your teasiness.-You fear that the world will not be so readily convinced of this young gentleman's merit as you are: and indeed I could wish him more deserving of you; but your regard for him gives him a merit he otherwise would have wanted, and almost makes me blind to his failings. Har. And would you advise me, Sir, to make choice of this gentleman ? Heart. I wou'd advise you, as I always have done, to consult your own heart upon such an occasion. Har. If that is your advice, I will most religiously follow it; and, for the last time, I am resolved to discover my real sentiments; but as a confession of this kind will not become me, I have been thinking of some innocent stratagem to spare my blushes, and in part to relieve me from the shame of a declaration.Might I be permitted to write to him? Heart. I think you may, my dear, without the least offence to your delicacy: and indeed you ought to explain yourself; your late misunderstanding makes it absolutely necessary. Har. Will you be kind enough to assist me? -Will you write it for me, Sir? Heart. Oh, most willingly!--And as I am made a party, it will remove all objections. Har. I will dictate to you in the best manner I am able. [Sighs. Heart. Here is pen, ink, and paper; and now, my dear, I am ready. He is certainly a man of family, and though he has some little faults, time and your virtues will correct them. -Come, what shall I write? [Prepares to write. Har. Pray, give me a moment's thought;'tis a terrible task, Mr. Heartly. Heart. I know it is. Don't hurry yourself -I shall wait with patience.-Come, Miss Harriot, Har. [Dictating.] It is in vain for me to con teal from one of your understanding the secrets of my heart. Heart. The secrets of my heart, [Writes. Har. Though your humility and modesty will not suffer you to perceive it Heart. Do you think that he is much troubled with those qualities? Har. Pray indulge me, Sir. Har. I could wish that I had not experienc ed Heart. Stay, stay: Had not experienced- [Aside. [Aside. Har. Why have I declared myself? He'll Heart. To whom do you write this letter? Heart. Then I'll only finish your letter with the usual compliment, and send it away. Har. Yes-send it away-if you think I ought to send it. Heart. [Troubled.] Ought to send it! Who's there? to behave in this manner! Lucy. Extremely well this, and equally foolish on both sides!-But what can be the meaning of it?--What a shame is this that I spirit as I am, a favourite of my mistress, and don't know more of this matter, a wench of as inquisitive as I ought to be? It is an affront immediately.-[Going.] I will go directly to to my character, and I must have satisfaction my young mistress, tease her to death till I am at the bottom of this; and if threatening, soothing, scolding, whispering, crying, and Heart. Very well. lying will not prevail, I will 'e'en give her [Exit. Har. Yes you that I love. Do you under-warning--And go upon the stage, stand me? and modesty will not suffer you to perceive it— So. Har. Every thing tells you that it is you that I love. [Writes. Heart. O! yes, yes-I understand you—that it is you that I love.-This is very plain, my dear. Har. I would have it so.-And though I am Re-enter HEARTLY. Heart. The more I reflect upon what has passed, the more I am convinced that she did not intend writing to this young fellow.—— What am I to think of it then?-Had not my reason made a little stand against my presumption, I might have interpreted some of Harriot's words in my own favour; but-Can it be possible that so young a creature should even cast a thought of that kind upon me?--Upon me!-No, no--I will do her and myself the justice to acknowledge, that, Har. And to convince you, that you owe much for a very few slight appearances, there are Heart. Well-in gratitude to you one Heart. Most disinterested one. more to my affections Heart. And then? a thousand reasons that destroy so ridiculous a supposition. 22 THE GUARDIAN. Enter SIR CHARLES CLACKIT. Heart. Upon my word, Sir, I am still in the Sir C. What the devil is the meaning of all bring together. But have you not been a little Heart. Upon my word, Sir Charles, what I Sir C. 'Egad, like enough;hold this must be looked a little into-if -But hold, it is so, I would be glad to know why and wherefore have been made so ridiculous.Eh, Master Heartly, does he take me for his fool, his beast, his Merry Andrew? By the lord Harry Heart. He is of an age, Sir Charles Sir C. Ay, of an age to be very impertinent; but I shall desire him to be less free with his uncle for the future, I assure him. Re-enter LUCY. Lucy. I have it, I have it, gentlemen! you need not puzzle any more about the matter.I have got the secret.I know the knighterrant that has wounded our distressed lady. Sir C. Well, and who, and what, child? Lucy. What! has she not told you, Sir? [To HEARTLY. Heart. Not directly. Lucy. So much the better.-What pleasure it is to discover a secret, and then tell it to all the world!-I pressed her so much that she at last confessed. Sir C. Well, what? [ACT II atic."-It signified nothing, she had determined. Sir C. But you need not have told her all that. It can't be me.-No, no, it can't be me. Lucy. But I tell you it is, Sír. You are the man. nephew, I shall have a little laugh with you Sir C. Say you so?-Why then, monsieur before you.-But here he comes-Not a -Ha, ha, ha!--Your betters must be served word, for your life.We'll laugh at him most triumphantly- -Ha, ha! but mum, mum. Enter YOUNG CLACKIT. Young C. Meeting by accident with some I have brought 'em to celebrate Miss Harartists of the string, and my particular friends, riot's and my approaching happiness. Sir C. Do you hear the puppy? [To LUCY. Heart. Miss Harriot, Sir, was not destined for you. Young C. What do you say, Sir? Heart. That the young lady has fixed her affections upon another. Young C. Upon another? lish, Sir; and you may translate it into French, Sir C. Yes, Sir, another :- -That is Engif you like it better. Young C. Very well, Sir, extremely well. Sir C. And that other, Sir, is one to whom you owe great respect. Servant. nephew, to tell me a story of a cock and a Lucy. That, in the first place, she did not don't carry this jest too far-I shall begin to Young C. [Smiles.] But, my dear uncle, like your nephew. Sir C. And I told the puppy so. Lucy. That she had a most mortal antipathy for the young men of this age; and that she had settled her affections upon one of riper years, and riper understanding. Sir C. Indeed! Lucy. And that she expected from a lover in his autumn more affection, more complaisance, more constancy, and more discretion, of course. Heart. This is very particular. Sir C. Ay, but it is very prudent for all that. Lucy. In short, as she had openly declared against the nephew, I took upon me to speak of his uncle. Sir C. Of me, child? Lucy. Yes, of you, Sir;And she did not say me nay -But cast such a look, and fetched such a sighand sighed in my life, I know how it is with -that if ever I looked her. Sir C. What the devil!-Why surely-Eh, Lucy! You joke for certain-Mr. Heartly! -Eh! Lucy. Indeed I do not, Sir. for me to say that nothing could be so ridicu"Twas in vain lous as such a choice.-Nay, Sir, I went a little farther (you'll excuse me,) and told her"Good God, madam," said I, "why he is old and gouty, asthmatic, rheumatic, sciatic, spleen be uneasy: but whoever my precious rival is, for, be he ever so mighty, my dear uncle, have that in my pocket will lower his topsails he must prepare himself for a little humility for him. Sir C. Well, what's that? [Searching his pocket. uncle-A letter from the young lady. Young C. A fourteen pounder only, my good [Takes it out of his pocket. Sir C. What! to you? Young C. To me, Sir-This moment retiments. ceived, and overflowing with the tenderest sen presently. Re-enter HARRIOT. Har. Bless me, Mr. Heartly, what is all this music for in the next room? Young C. I brought the gentlemen of the string, Mademoiselle, to convince you that 1 feel as I ought the honour you have done me. [Showing the letter.]-But, for heaven's sake, be sincere a little with these good folks; they tell me here that I am nobody, and there is another happier than myself. Her. To hesitate any longer would be injurious to my guardian, his friend, this young gentleman, and my own character. You have all been in an error. My bashfulness may have deceived you-My heart never did. Young C. C'est vrai, Hr. Therefore, before I declare my sentiments, it is proper that I disavow any engagement:-But at the same time must confess Young C. Oh-ho! Har. With fear and shame confessYoung C. Courage, Mademoiselle! Her. That another, not you, Sir, has gained a power over my heart. [To YOUNG CLACKIT. Sir C. Another, not you; mind that, Jack. Ha, ha! Young C. Another! not you; mind that, uncle. Lucy. What is the meaning of all this? Young C. Proof positive, uncle-And very positive. Sir C. I have been led into a mistake, Madam, which I hope you will excuse; and 1 have made myself very ridiculous, which I hope I shall forget:-And so, Madam, I am your humble servant. Heart. What I now see, and the remembrance of what is past, force me to break silence. Young C. Ay, now for it.-Hear him-hear him. Heart. O my Harriot!-I too must be disgraced in my turn.-Can you think that I have seen and conversed with you unmoved?-Indeed I have not.-The more I was sensible of your merit, the stronger were my motives to stifle the ambition of my heart.-But now I which casts me at your feet, the most uncan no longer resist the violence of my passion, Worthy indeed of all your admirers, but of all the most affectionate. Har. I have refused my hand to Sir Charles Her. It is a power indeed which he despises. -1 cannot be deceived in his conduct.-Modesty may tie the tongue of our sex, but si-and this young gentleman: the one accuses lence in him could proceed only from contempt. be meant for you. Sur C. How prettily she reproaches me! But I'll soon make it up with her. [Aside. Har. As to that letter, Sir, your error there is excusable; and I own myself in that particular a little blameable.But it was not my fault that it was sent to you; and the contents must have told you, that it could not possibly [To YOUNG CLACKIT. Sir C. Proof positive, Jack:-Say no more. Now is my time to begin.-Hem!-hem!Sweet young lady!-hem!-whose charms are so mighty, so far transcending every thing that we read of in history or fable, how could you possibly think that my silence proceeded from contempt? was it natural or prudent, think you, for a man of sixty-five, nay, just entering into his sixty-sixth yearYoung C. O misericorde! what, is my uncle my rival? Nay then I burst, by Jupiter! Ha, ha, ha! Har. Don't imagine, Sir, that to me your age is any fault. Sir C. [Bowing] You are very obliging, Madam. me of caprice, the other of singularity :-Should I refuse my hand a third time (Smiling.] I might draw upon myself a more severe reproachand therefore I accept your favour, Sir, and will endeavour to deserve it. ments, and from henceforth devote my every Heart. And thus I seal my acknowledgthought, and all my services, to the author of my happiness. [Kisses her hand. Sir C. Well my dear discreet nephew, are you satisfied with the fool's part you have given me, and played yourself in the farce? Young C. What would you have me say, Sir? I am too much a philosopher to fret. still continue to live as neighbours and friends. Heart. I hope, Sir Charles, that we shall For you, my Harriot, words cannot express my wonder or my joy; my future conduct must tell you what a sense I have of my happiness, and how much I shall endeavour to deserve it. For ev'ry charm that ever yet bless'd youth, Accept compliance, tenderness, and truth; My friendly care shall change to grateful love, And the fond husband still the Guardian [Exeunt. prove. THE LYING VALET: A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS. BY DAVID GARRICK, Esq. REMARKS. THIS piece was first launched at the Theatre in Goodman's Fields; but Mr. Garrick, who soon quitted that place for the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, brought his Farce with him. It appears to be founded on an old English Comedy; but has spirit, incident, and variety, with language well adapted to the characters. Considerable success attended the numerous early repetitions of this diverting after-piece, and it forms a useful addition to the stock-list of every Theatre in the kingdom. SCENE I.-GAYLESS' Lodgings. Enter GAYLESS and SHARP. Sharp. How, Sir, shall you be married tomorrow? Eh, I'm afraid you joke with your poor humble servant. Gay. I tell thee, Sharp, last night Melissa consented, and fixed to-morrow for the happy day. Sharp. 'Tis well she did, Sir, or it might have been a dreadful one for us, in our present condition: all your money spent, your moveables sold, your honour almost ruined, and your humble servant almost starved; we could not possibly have stood it two days longer. But if this young lady will marry you, and relieve us, o'my conscience, I'll turn friend to the sex, and think of a wife myself. Gay. And yet, Sharp, when I think how I have imposed upon her, I am almost resolved to throw myself at her feet, tell her the real situation of my affairs, ask her pardon, and implore her pity. Sharp. After marriage, with all my heart, Sir. Re-enter SHARP, with KITTY. Sharp. Leave you! No, not in such bad company, I'll assure you. Why you must certainly be a very great philosopher, Sir, to moralize and declaim so charmingly as you do, about honour and conscience, when your doors are beset with bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket to bribe the villains. Gay. Don't be witty, and give your advice, Sirrah! Kitty. I must know where he is, and will know too, Mr. Impertinence! Sharp. Not of me you wont. [Aside.] He's not within, I tell you, Mrs. Kitty. I don't know myself. Do you think I can conjure? Kitty. But I know you will lie abominably; therefore don't trifle with me. I come from my mistress, Melissa: you know, I suppose, what's to be done to-morrow morning? Sharp. Ay, and to-morrow night too, girl! Kitty. Not if I can help it. [Aside.] But come, where is your master? for see him I must. Sharp. Pray, Mrs. Kitty, what's your opinion of this match between my master and your Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, Sir. But to be serious; you certainly have spent your fortune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets and my belly can testify: your father has disowned you; all your friends forsook you, except myself, who am starving with you. Now, Sir, if you marry this young lady, who as yet, thank heaven, knows nothing of your misfortunes, and by that means procure a bet-mistress? ter fortune than that you squandered away, Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; make a good husband, and turn economist, and yet most of our wants will be relieved by you still may be happy, may still be Sir Wil-it too; for instance now, your master will get liam's heir, and the lady too no loser by the bargain. There's reason and argument, Sir. Gay. Twas with that prospect I first made love to her. Sharp. Pray then make no more objections to the marriage. You see I am reduced to my waistcoat already; and when necessity has undressed me from top to toe, she must begin with you; and then we shall be forced to keep house, and die by inches.-Look you, Sir, if you wont resolve to take my advice, while you have one coat to your back, I must e'en take to my heels while I have strength to run, and something to cover me: so, Sir, wishing you much comfort and consolation with your bare conscience, I am your most obedient and halfstarved friend and servant. [Going. Gay. Hold, Sharp, you wont leave me? Sharp. I must eat, Sir; by my honour and appetite, I must! Gay. Well then, I am resolved to favour the cheat; and as I shall quite change my former course of life, happy may be the consequences: at least, of this I am sure Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are at present. [A knocking without. Gay. Who's there? Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who favoured you with money at fifty per cent. and helped you to spend it; and are now become daily mementoes to you of the folly of trusting rogues, and laughing at my advice, Gay. Cease your impertinence!-to the door-If they are duns, tell 'em my marriage is now certainly fixed, and persuade 'em still to forbear a few days longer. And do you hear, Sharp, if it should be any body from Melissa, say I am not at home, lest the bad appearance we make here should make 'em suspect something to our disadvantage. Sharp. I'll obey you, Sir; but I'm afraid they will easily discover the consumptive situation of our affairs by my chop-fallen countenance. [Erit. Gay. These very rascals, who are now continually dunning and persecuting me, were the very persons who led me to my ruin, partook of my prosperity, and professed the greatest friendship. Sharp. [Without.] Upon my word, Mrs. Kitty, my master's not at home. Kitty. [Without.] Lookye, Sharp, I must and will see him. Gay. Ha, what do I hear? Melissa's maid! She's coming up stairs. What must I do? -I'll get into this closet and listen. [Exit. a fortune, that's what I'm afraid he wants; my mistress will get a husband, that's what she has wanted for some time; you will have the pleasure of my conversation, and I an opportunity of breaking your head for your im pertinence. Sharp. Madam, I'm your most humble_servant! But I'll tell you what, Mrs. Kitty, I am positively against the match; for, was I a man of my master's fortune, Kitty. You'd marry, if you could, and mend it; ha, ha, ha!-Pray, Sharp, where does your master's estate lie? Sharp. Lie, lie !-why, it lies-'faith, I can't name any particular place, it lies in so many: his effects are divided, some here, some there; his steward hardly knows himself. Kitty. Scattered, scattered, I suppose. But harkye, Sharp, what's become of your furni ture? You seem to be a little bare here at present. Sharp. Why, you must know, as soon as the wedding was fixed, my master ordered me to remove his goods into a friend's house, to make room for a ball which he designs to give here the day after the marriage. Kitty. The luckiest thing in the world! for my mistress designs to have a ball and entertainment here to-night before the marriage; and that's my business with your master. Sharp. The devil it is! [Aside. Kitty. She'll not have it public; she designs to invite only eight or ten couple of friends. Sharp. No more? Kitty. No more: and she ordered me to desire your master not to make a great entertainment. Sharp. Oh, never fear. Kitty. Ten or a dozen little nice things, with some fruit, I believe, will be enough in all conscience. Sharp. Oh, curse your conscience! [Aside. Kitty. And what do you think I have done of my own head? Sharp. What? Kitty. I have invited all my lord Stately's servants to come and see you, and have a dance in the kitchen: wont your master be surprised? Sharp. Much so, indeed! Kitty. Well, be quick and find out your master, and make what haste you can with your preparations: you have no time to lose. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what's the matter with you? I have not seen you for some time, and yon seem to look a little thin. |