26

THE LYING VALET.

Sharp. Oh, my unfortunate face! [Aside.] I'm in pure good health, thank you, Mrs. Kitty; and I'll assure you I have a very good stomach, never better in all my life; and I am [Offers to kiss her. full of vigour, hussy!

Kitty. What, with that face?-Well, by, by. [Going.]-Oh, Sharp, what ill-looking fellows are those, were standing about your door when I came in? They want your master, too, I sup

pose?

Sharp. Hum! Yes, they are waiting for him. They are some of his tenants out of the country, that want to pay him some money.

Kitty. Tenants! What, do you let his tenants stand in the street?

Sharp. They choose it; as they seldom come to town, they are willing to see as much of it as they can when they do: they are raw, ignorant, honest people.

Would you succeed, a faithful friend depute,
[Exeunt.
Whose head can plan, and front can execute.

SCENE II.-MELISSA's Lodgings.

Enter MELISSA and KITTY.

Mel. You surprise me, Kitty! the master not at home, the man in confusion, no furniture in the house, and ill-looking fellows about the doors! "Tis all a riddle.

Kitty. But very easy to be explained.

Mel. Pr'ythee explain it then, nor keep me longer in suspense.

Kitty. The affair is this, Madam: Mr. Gayless is over head and ears in debt; you are over head and ears in love: you'll marry him to-morrow; the next day your whole fortune goes to his creditors, and you and your children are to live comfortably upon the remain

der.

Mel. I cannot think him base.

Kitty. Well, I must run home-farewell!But do you hear? Get something substantial Kitty. But I know they are all base. You for us in the kitchen: a ham, a turkey, or what And be sure are very young, and very ignorant of the sex; I you will. We'll be very merry. to remove the tables and chairs away there am young too, but have more experience: you too, that we may have room to dance. I can't never was in love before; I have been in love bear to be confined in my French dances-tal, with a hundred, and tried 'em all; and know lal, lal. [Dances.] Well, adieu! Without any 'em to be a parcel of barbarous, perjured, decompliment, I shall die, if I don't see you soon.luding, bewitching devils. [Exit. Sharp. And, without any compliment, I pray heaven you may!

Re-enter GAYLESS; they look for some time
sorrowfully at each other.

Gay. Oh, Sharp!

Sharp. Oh, master!

Gay. We are certainly undone!
Sharp. That's no news to me.

Gay. Eight or ten couple of dancers-ten or
a dozen little nice dishes, with some fruit-my
lord Stately's servants-ham and turkey!
Sharp. Say no more; the very sound creates
am sure, of late, I have
an appetite: and
had no occasion for whetters and provoca-

tives.

Gay. Cursed misfortune! what can we do? Sharp. Hang ourselves; I see no other remedy; except you have a receipt to give a ball and a supper, without meat or music.

Gay. Melissa has certainly heard of my bad circumstances, and has invented this scheme to distress me, and break off this match.

Sharp. I don't believe it, Sir; begging your pardon.

Mel. The low wretches you have had to do with, may answer the character you give 'em; but Mr. Gayless

Kitty. Is a man, Madam.

Mel. I hope so, Kitty, or I would have nothing to do with him.

Kitty. With all my heart. I have given you iny sentiments upon the occasion, and shall leave you to your own inclinations.

Mel. Oh, Madam, I am much obliged to you for your great condescension; ha, ha, ha! However, I have so great a regard for your opinion, that had I certain proofs of his villany

Kitty. Of his poverty you may have a hundred; I am sure I have had none to the con

trary.

Mel. Oh, there the shoe pinches.

[Aside.

Kitty. Nay, so far from giving me the usual perquisites of my place, he has not so much as kept me in temper with little endearing civilities; and one might reasonably expect, when a man is deficient in one way, that he should [A knocking. make it up in another.

Mel. See who's at the door. [Exit KITTY.] I must be cautious how I hearken too much to this girl: her bad opinion of Mr. Gayless seems to arise from his disregard of her.

Gay. No! why did her maid then make so strict an inquiry into my fortune and affairs? Sharp. For two very substantial reasons; the first, to satisfy a curiosity natural to her as a woman; the second, to have the pleasure of my conversation, very natural to her as a wo-So, man of taste and understanding.

Gay. Pr'ythee be more serious: is not our all at stake?

Re-enter KITTY and SHARP,

Sharp, have you found your master? Will things be ready for the ball and entertainment?

Sharp. To your wishes, Madam. I have just now bespoke the music and supper, and wait now for your ladyship's further commands.

Sharp. Yes, Sir; and yet that all of ours is of so little consequence, that a man, with a Mel. My compliments to your master, and very small share of philosophy, may part from it without much pain or uneasiness. How-let him know I and my company will be with ever, Sir, I'll convince you, in half an hour, him by six; we design to drink tea, and play that Mrs. Melissa knows nothing of your cir- at cards, before we dance. cumstances. And I'll tell you what too, Sir, she shan't be here to night, and yet you shall marry her to-morrow morning.

Gay. How, how, dear Sharp?

Sharp. Tis here, here, Sir! warm, warm; and delays will cool it; therefore I'll away to her, and do you be as merry as love and poverty will permit you.

Kitty. So shall I and my company,

Sharp.

Mr.

Aside.

Aside.

Sharp. Mighty well, Madam! Mel. Pr'ythee, Sharp, what makes you come without your coat? "Tis too cool to go so airy, sure.

Kitty. Mr. Sharp, Madam, is of a very hot constitution; ha, ha, ha!

your most obedient, humble servant.-Oh, the to truth, and declare the real situation of your [ACT 11. delights of impudence and a good understand-affairs. I told her we had so long disused ing! Kitty. Ha, ha, ha! Was there ever such a pers, that I was afraid we should be but [Aside, and exit. ourselves to dressing either dinners or suplying varlet! with his slugs and his broad-awkward in our preparations. In short, Sir, swords, his attornies and broken heads, and at that instant a cursed gnawing seized my nonsense!-Well, Madam, are you satisfied stomach, that I could not help telling her, that now? Do you want more proofs? now-a-days, once in a quarter of a year. both you and myself seldom made a good meal,

Mel. Of your modesty, I do; but I find you are resolved to give me none.

Kitty. Madam!

Mel. I see through your little mean artifice: you are endeavouring to lessen Mr. Gayless in my opinion, because he has not paid you for services he had no occasion for.

Kitty. Pay me, Madam! I am sure I have very little occasion to be angry with Mr. Gayless for not paying me, when, I believe, 'tis his general practice.

Mel. "Tis false! He's a gentleman, and a man of honour, and you are-

Kitty. Not in love, I thank heaven!

Mel. You are a fool.

[Courtesies.

Kitty. I have been in love, but I'm much wiser now.

Mel. Hold your tongue, impertinence! Kitty. That's the severest thing she has said yet. Mel. Leave me. [Aside. Kitty. Oh, this love, this love, is the devil! Mel. We discover our weaknesses to our [Exit. servants, make them our confidantes, put 'em upon an equality with us, and so they become our advisers, Sharp's behaviour, though I seemed to disregard it, makes me tremble with apprehensions; and though I have pretended to be angry with Kitty for her advice, I think it of too much consequence to be neglected. Re-enter KITTY.

Kitty. May I speak, Madam?

Mel. Don't be a fool. What do you want? Kitty. There is a servant, just come out of the country, says he belongs to Sir William Gayless, and has got a letter for you, from his master, upon very urgent business. Mel. Sir William Gayless! What can this mean? Where is the man?

Kitty. In the little parlour, Madam. Mel. I'll go to him.-My heart flutters strangely. Kitty. O woman, woman, foolish woman! [Exit. She'll certainly have this Gayless: nay, were she as well convinced of his poverty as I am, she'd have him. Here is she going to throw away fifteen thousand pounds-upon what? He's a man, and that's all; and, heaven knows, mere man is but a small consolation now-adays! [Exit.

ACT II.
SCENE I

Enter GAYLESS and SHARP.

Gay. Pr'ythee, be serious, Sharp: hast thou really succeeded?

Sharp. To our wishes, Sir. have managed the business with such skill In short, I and dexterity, that neither your circumstances nor my veracity are suspected.

Gay. But how hast thou excused me from the ball and entertainment?

Sharp. Beyond expectation, Sir. that particular, I was obliged to have recourse But in

Gay. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed she did not in the least suspect my circumme, villain? Did you not tell me, this moment, stances?

Sharp. No more she did, Sir, till I told her,
Gay. Very well!-And was this your skill

and dexterity?

hear reason, My melancholy face and piteous Sharp. I was going to tell you, but you wont bowels, that she freely forgives all that's past. narration had such an effect upon her generous Gay. Does she, Sharp?

Sharp. Yes, and desires never to see your
face again; and, as a further consideration for
so doing, she has sent you half-a-guinea.
[Show's the Money,

Gay. What do you mean
Sharp. To spend it, spend ii, Sir, and regale,
Gay. Villain, you have undone me!

Sharp. What, by bringing you money, when
world? Well, well, then to make you happy
you are not worth a farthing in the whole
would take it in their head to load me with
again, I'll keep it myself; and wish somebody
such misfortunes.
Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal?
[Puts up the Money,
at? ha, ha, ha!-Never for the future, Sir,
Sharp. Who deserves more to be laughed
dispute the success of my negociations, when
even you, who know me so well, can't help
swallowing my hook. Why, Sir, I could have
played with you backwards and forwards at
the end of my line till I had put your senses
into such a fermentation, that you should not
was a fish or a man.
have known, in an hour's time, whether you

Gay. Why, what is all this you have been

telling me?

Sharp. A downright lie from beginning to

end.

Gay. And have you really excused me to her?

guinea to make her excuses to you; and inSharp. No, Sir; but I have got this halfdeceive her, she thinks she has brought me stead of a confederacy between you and me to over to put the deceit upon you.

Gay. Thou excellent fellow.

house immediately the back way, I believe, Sharp. Don't lose time, but slip out of the will be the safest for you-and to her as fast as you can; pretend vast surprise and concern that her indisposition has debarred you the pleasure of her company here to-night. You need know no more-away!

Gay. But what shall we do, Sharp? Here's her maid again.

Sharp. The devil she is! I wish I could never prosper. poison her for I'm sure while she lives I can

Enter KITTY.

stand upon ceremony.
Kitty. Your door was open, so I did not

taken so suddenly-
Gay. I am sorry to hear your mistress is

Mr. Sharp has made her excuses,
matrimonial omens, that's all: but I suppose
Kitty. Vapours, vapours only, Sir; a few

Gay. And tells me I can't have the pleasure of her company to-night. I had made a small preparation; but 'tis no matter: Sharp shall go to the rest of the company, and let them know 'tis put off.

Kitty. Not for the world, Sir: my mistress was sensible you must have provided for her, and the rest of the company; so she is resolved, though she can't, the other ladies and gentemen shall partake of your entertainment.She's very good-natured.

Sharp. I had better run and let 'em know 'tis deferred. [Going. Kitty. [Stops him.] I have been with 'em already, and told 'em my mistress insists upon their coming; and they have already promised to be here: so pray don't be under any apprehensions that your preparations will be thrown

away.

Gay. But as I can't have her company, Mrs. Kitty, 'twill be a greater pleasure to me, and a greater compliment to her, to defer our mirth; besides, I can't enjoy any thing at present, and she not partake of it.

Kitty. Oh, no, to be sure; but what can I do? My mistress will have it so! and Mrs. Gadabout, and the rest of the company, will be here in a few minutes: there are two or three coachfuls of 'em.

Sharp. Then my master must be ruined, in spite of my parts.

Gay, Tis all over, Sharp.
Sharp. I know it, Sir.

[Aside. [Apart. Apart. [Apart.

Gay. I shall go distracted! what shall I do?

Sharp. Why, Sir, as our rooms are a little out of furniture at present, take 'em into the captain's, that lodges here, and set 'em down to cards: if he should come in the mean time, I'll excuse you to him.

[Apart.

29 Sharp. Oh, destruction! one of the quorum. [Aside. Just. G. Hem! though I had not the honour of any personal knowledge of you, yet, at the instigation of Mrs. Gadabout, I have, without any previous acquaintance with you, thrown aside all ceremony, to let you know that I joy to hear the solemnization of your nuptials is so near at hand.

Gay. Sir, though I cannot answer you with the same elocution, however, Sir, I thank you with the same sincerity.

Mrs. G. Mr. and Mrs. Trippet, Sir; the properest lady in the world for your purpose, for she'll dance for four-and-twenty hours together.

Trip. My dear Charles, I am very angry with you, faith: so near marriage, and not let me know, 'twas barbarous. You thought, I suppose, I should rally you upon it; but dear Mrs. Trippet here has long ago eradicated all my anti-matrimonial principles.

Kitty. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room; Mr. Sharp can't lay his cloth till you are set down to cards.

Mrs. G. One thing I had quite forgot: Mr. Gayless, my nephew, who you never saw, will be in town from France presently; so left word to send him here immediately, to make one.

Gay. You do me honour, Madam.

Sharp. Do the ladies choose cards or supper

first?

Gay. Supper! What does the fellow mean? [Aside. Just. G. Oh, the supper, by all means; for I have eat nothing to signify since dinner. Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fortnight. [Aside. Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room. Kitty. I have disconcerted their affairs, I-Sharp, get things ready for supper, and call find. I'll have some sport with them. [Aside.] the music. Pray, Mr. Gayless, don't order too many things: they only make you a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, the less welcome. Pray, Sir, let me entreat you not to be profuse. If I can be of service, pray command me; my mistress has sent me on purpose. While Mr. Sharp is doing the business without doors, I may be employed within. If you'll lend me the keys of your side-board, I'll dispose of your plate to the best advantage.

[To SHARP. Sharp. Thank you, Mrs. Kitty; but it is disposed of already. A knocking. Kitty. Bless me, the company's come! I'll go to the door and conduct them into your presence. [Exit. Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horsepond, and wait of them there yourself, we should be more obliged to you.

Gay. I can never support this! Sharp. Rouse your spirits, and put on an air of saiety, and I don't despair of bringing you off yet.

Gay. Your words have done it effectually. Re-enter KITTY, with MRS. GADABOUT, her Daughter, and Niece; JUSTICE GUTTLE, TRIPPET, and MRS. TRIPPET.

Mrs. G. Ah, my dear Mr. Gayless!

[Kisses him. Gay. My dear widow! Kisses her. Mrs. G. We are come to give you joy, Mr Gayless; and here's Mr. Guttle come to give you joy. Mr. Gayless, Justice Guttle.

Sharp. Well said, master.
Mrs. G. Without ceremony, ladies.

[Exeunt GAYLESS, TRIPPET, and Ladies. Kitty. I'll to my mistress; and let her know every thing is ready for her appearance.

Aside, and exit.

Just. G. Pray, Mr.-what's your name, don't be long with supper:-but harkye, what can I do in the mean time? suppose you get me a pipe and some good wine; I'll try to divert myself that way till supper's ready.

Sharp. Or suppose, Sir, you was to take a nap till then; there's a very easy couch in that closet.

Just. G. The best thing in the world! I'll take your advice; but be sure to wake me when supper is ready. [Exit.

Sharp. Pray heaven, you may not wake til then! What a fine situation my master is in at present! I have promised him my assistance; but his affairs are in so desperate a way, that I am afraid 'tis out of my skill to recover them. Well," Fools have fortune," says an old proverb, and a very true one it is; for my master and I are two of the most unfortunate mortals in the creation.

Re-enter GAYLESS.

Gay. Well, Sharp, I have set them down to cards; and now what have you to propose?

Sharp. I have one scheme left, which in all probability may succeed. The good citizen, overloaded with his last meal, is taking a nap in that closet, in order to get him an appetite

D

for yours. I'll pick his pocket, and provide | dozen villains; but finding me resolute, they us a supper with the booty. were wise enough to take to their heels. I Gay. Monstrous! for, without considering believe I scratched some of them the villany of it, the danger of waking him makes it impracticable.

Sharp. I'll tell you, Sir: a little while ago my master sent me out to change a note of twenty pounds; but I unfortunately hearing a noise in the street of "damme, Sir!" and clashing of swords, and "rascal" and " murder!" I runs up to the place, and saw four men upon one; and having heard you was a mettlesome young gentleman, I immediately concluded it must be you; so ran back to call my master; and when I went to look for the note, to change it, I found it gone, either stole Re-enter GAYLESS, TRIPPET, and MRS. GADA-diately, I shall certainly be turned out of my or lost: and if I don't get the money immeBOUT, with MELISSA, in boys' clothes, dressed place, and lose my character.