aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension! Capt. A. Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not. So then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well, and in spirits, you would be entirely content?" Faulk. I should be happy beyond measureI am anxious only for that. unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling health? Capt. A. Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure! Acres. Good apartments, Jack. Faulk. Well, Sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly wellwhat then, she has been merry and gay, I supCapt. A. Then cure your anxiety at once-pose?always in spirits, hey? Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath. Faulk. Nay, Jack-don't trifle with me. Capt. A. She is arrived here with my father, within this hour. Faulk. Can you be serious? Capt. A. I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden whim of this kind.-Seriously then, it is as I tell you-upon my honour. Faulk. My dear Jack-now nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness. Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below. Capt. A. Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her.-Fag, show the gentleman up. [Exit FAG. Faulk. What, is he much acquainted in the family? Capt. A. Oh, very intimate: he is likewise a rival of mine-that is, of my other self's, for he does not think his friend, Captain Absolute, ever saw the lady in question ;-and it is ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed, skulking rival, who Faulk, Hush! He's here! Enter ACRES. Acres. Merry! odds crickets! she has been the bell and spirit of the company wherever she has been-so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour! Faulk. By my soul! there is an innate levity in woman that nothing can overcome !-What! happy, and I away! Capt. A. Just now, you were only apprehensive for your mistress' spirits. Faulk. Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company? Capt. A. No, indeed, you have not. Faulk. Have I been lively and entertaining? Capt. A. Oh, upon my word, I acquit you. Faulk. Have I been full of wit and humour? Capt. A. No, 'faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid, indeed. Acres. What's the matter with the gentle man? Capt. A. He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so well and happy-that's all-hey, Faulkland? Faulk. Yes, yes, she has a happy disposition! Acres. That she has, indeed-then she is so accomplished-so sweet a voice-so expert at her harpsichord-such a mistress of flat and sharp, squallante, rumblante, and quiverante! there was this time month-odds minums and crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert! [Sings.] My heart's my own, my will is free. That's very like her. Acres. Hah! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how dost thou? just ar- Faulk. Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my rived, 'faith, as you see.-Sir, your humble happiness on such a trifler! 'Sdeath! to make servant. Warm work on the roads, Jack-herself the pipe and ballad-monger of a circle! odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a to soothe her light heart with catches and comet, with a tail of dust all the way, as long glees!-What can you say to this, Sir? as the Mall. Capt. A. Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, Sir. Capt. A. Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your attraction hither-Fuulk. Nay, nay, nay-I'm not sorry that she give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr. Faulkland, Mr. Acres. Acres. Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: Sir, I solicit your connexions.-Hey, Jack-what, this is Mr. Faulkland, who Capt. A. Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland. Acres. Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man! Faulk. I have not seen Miss Melville yet, Sir.-I hope she enjoyed full health and spirits in Devonshire? Acres. Never knew her better in my life, Sir-never better.-Odds blushes and blooms! she has been as healthy as the German spa. Faulk. Indeed!-I did hear that she had been a little indisposed. Acres. False, false, Sir-only said to vex you quite the reverse, I assure you. Faulk. There Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted myself ill. Capt. A. Now you are angry with your mistress for not having been sick! Faulk. No, no, you misunderstand me :-yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not an unnatural consequence of absence from those we love. Now confess-is'nt there something has been happy-no, no, I am glad of thatbut she has been dancing too, I doubt not! Acres. What does the gentleman say about dancing? Capt. A. He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings. Acres. Ay, truly does she-there was at our last race ball Faulk. Hell and 'the devil! There! thereI told you so! I told you so! oh! she thrives in my absence!-Dancing! Capt. A. For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so!-Suppose she has danced, what then?-does not the ceremony of society often oblige Faulk. Well, well, I'll contain myself-per- Faulk. O ay, Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of dancing a minuethey? Acres. Oh, I dare insure her for that-but what I was going to speak of, was her country dancing-odds swimmings! she has such an air with her! Faulk. Now, disappointment on her!-defend Capt. A. Very genteel, and very new indeed and I dare say will supplant all other figures of imprecation. Acres. Ay, ay, the best terms will grow obsolete-Dammes have had their day. this, Absolute! why don't you defend this?-ential, or sentimental swearing-ha, ha, ha! country dances! jigs and reels! am I to blame 'tis genteel, isn't it? now? a minuet I could have forgiven-I should not have minded that-I say, I should not have regarded a minuet-but country dances! Zounds! had she made one in a cotillion-I believe I could have forgiven even that-but to be monkey-led for a night!-to run the gauntlet through a string of amorous, palming puppies!-to show paces, like a managed filIyOb, Jack, there never can be but one man in the world whom a truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a country dance; and, even then, the rest of the couples should be her great uncles and aunts! Capt. A. Ay, to be sure, grandfathers and grandmothers! Faulk. If there be but one vicious mind in the set, it will spread like a contagion-the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig-their quivering, warmbreathed sighs impregnate the air-the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain!-I must leave you-I own I am somewhat flurried-and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going. Capt. A. Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news. Faulk. Damn his news. [Exit. Capt. A. Ha, ha, ha! poor Faulkland! five minutes since "nothing on earth could give him a moment's uneasiness!" Acres. The gentleman wasn't angry at my praising his mistress, was he? Capt. A. A little jealous, I believe, Bob. Acres. You don't say so! ha, ha! jealous of me!-that's a good joke! Capt. A. There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly grace and insinuating manner of yours will do some mischief among the girls here. Acres. Ah! you joke-ha, ha! mischief-ha, ha! but you know I am not my own property! my dear Lydia has forestalled me.-She could never abide me in the country, because I used to dress so badly-but, odds frogs and tambours! I sha'n't take matters so here-now ancient Madam has no voice in it-I'll make my old clothes know who's master-I shall straightway cashier the hunting-frock, and render my leather breeches incapable-My hair has been in training some time. Cap. A. Indeed! Acres. Ay-and thoff the side curls are a little restive, my hind part takes it very kindly. Capt. 4. Oh, you'll polish, I doubt not. Acres. Absolutely I propose so-then, if I can find out this ensign Beverley, odds triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't. Capt. A. Spoke like a man-but, pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a new method of swearing Enter FAG. Fag. Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you-Shall I show him into the parlour? Capt. A. Ay-you may. Acres. Well, I must be gone- Capt. A. You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly? [Exit FAG. Acres. You have business with Sir Anthony. I expect a message from Mrs. Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend, Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack, we must meet at night, when you shall give me a dozen bumpers to little Lydia. Capt. A. That I will, with all my heart. [Exit ACRES.] Now for a parental lecture-I hope he has heard nothing of the business that has brought me here; I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire, with all my soul! Enter SIR ANTHONY. Sir, I am delighted to see you here, and looking so well! your sudden arrival at Bath made me apprehensive for your health. Sir A. Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack. What, you are recruiting here, hey? Capt. A. Yes, Sir, I am on duty. Sir A. Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it! for I was going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long. | Capt. A. Pardon me, Sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty, and I pray fervently that you may continue so. Sir A. I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well then, Jack, I have been considering that I am so strong and hearty, I may continue to plague you a long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the income of your commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance for a lad of your spirit. Capt. A. Sir, you are very good. Sir A. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. Capt. A. Sir, your kindness overpowers me. Yet, Sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army? Sir A. Oh! that shall be as your wife chooses. Capt. A. My wife, Sir! Sir A. Ay, ay, settle that between you, settle that between you. Capt. A. A wife, Sir, did you say? Sir A. Ay, a wife: why, did not I mention her before? Acres. Ha, ha! you've taken notice of it'tis genteel, isn't it?-I didn't invent it myself though; but a commander in our militia, a great scholar, I assure you, says that there is no meaning in the common oaths, and that nothing but their antiquity makes them respectable; because, he says, the ancients would never stick to an oath or two, but would say, by Jove! or by Bacchus! or by Mars! or by Sir A. Odd so; I mustn't forget her, though. Venus! or by Pallas! according to the senti- Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of ment; so that to swear with propriety, says is by a marriage; the fortune is saddled with my little major, the "oath should be an echo a wife; but I suppose that makes no differto the sense;" and this we call the oath reference? Capt. A. Not a word of her, Sir. Capt. A. Sir, Sir! you amaze me! Sir A. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? just now you were all gratitude and duty. Capt. A. I was, Sir: you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife. Sir A. Why, what difference does that make? Odds life, Sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. Capt. A. Pray, Sir, who is the lady? Sir A. What's that to you, Sir? come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly. Capt. A. Sure, Sir, that is not very reasonable, to summon my affections for a lady I know nothing of! Sir A. I am sure, Sir, 'tis more unreasonable in you to object to a lady you know nothing of. Capt. A. You must excuse me, Sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot obey you. Sir A. Harkye, Jack;—I have heard you for some time with patience I have been cool,-quite cool; but take care; you know I am compliance itself, when I am not thwarted; no one more easily led, when I have my own way; but don't put me in a frenzy. Capt. A. Sir, I must repeat it; in this I cannot obey you. Sir. Now, damn me, if ever I call you Jack again while I live! Capt. A. Nay, Sir, but hear me. Sir A. Sir, I wont hear a word, not a word! not one word! so give me your promise by a nod, and I'll tell you what, Jack-I mean, you dog-if you don't, by Capt. A. What, Sír, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness; to Sir A. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; her one eye shall roll like the bull's in Cox's museum; she shall have a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew-She shall be all this, sirrah! yet I'll make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night, to write sonnets on her beauty. Capt. A. This is reason and moderation, in deed! Sir A. None of your sneering, puppy! no grinning, jackanapes! Capt. A. Indeed, Sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir A. 'Tis false, Sir; I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! ter. Capt. A. Sir, I hope I know my duty bet Sir A. None of your passion, Sir! none of your violence, if you please; it wont do with me, I promise you. Capt. A. Indeed, Sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir A. 'Tis a confounded lie! I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical, young dog; but it wont do. Capt. A. Nay, Sir, upon my word Sir A. So you will fly out! can't you be cool, like me? what the devil good can passion do? passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate! there, you sneer again! don't provoke me! but you rely upon the mildness of my temper, you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my Enter FAG. Fag. Assuredly, Sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time-muttering, growling, and thumping the bannisters all the way; I, and the cook's dog, stand bowing at the door; rap, he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master: then, kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all for a puppy triumvirate! upon my credit, Sir, were I in your place, and found my father such bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance. Capt. A. Cease your impertinence, Sir; did you come in for nothing more ?-Stand out of [Pushes him aside, and exit. the way. Enter LUCY. Lucy. So, I shall have another rival to add to my mistress' list; Captain Absolute :-however, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received due notice in form. Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Delía, as he calls her: I wonder he's not here! Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGGER. Sir L. Hah! my little ambassadress! upon my conscience I have been looking for you; I have been on the South parade this half hour. · Lucy. [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North. Sir L. 'Faith! may be that was the reason | we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out, and I not see you, for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffeehouse, and I chose the window, on purpose that I might not miss you. Lucy. My stars! now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep. Sir L. Sure enough it must have been so; and I never dream'd it was so late, till Í waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me? Lucy. Yes, but I have; I've got a letter for you in my pocket. Sir L. I'faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed; well, let me see what the dear creature says. Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. Lucy. For shame now; here is some one coming. Sir L. O faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Sees FAG; exit, humming a tune, Enter FAG. Fag. So, so, Ma'am. I humbly beg pardon. Lucy. O lud!-now, Mr. Fag-you flurry one so! Fag. Come, come, Lucy, here's no one byso a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please-You play false with us, Madam-I saw you give the baronet letter.-My master shall know this-and if he don't call him out-I will. a Lucy. Ha, ha, ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty!-That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.-She is taken with Sir Lucius' address. Fag. How! what tastes some people have! Why, I suppose I have walked by her window lady?-any message to my master? a hundred times.-But what says our young [Gives him a letter. Sir L. [Reads.] Sir-There is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Very pretty upon my word! Female punctuation forbids me to say more; yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Yours, while mere-posed his son. tricious. DELIA. Upon my conscience, Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language! 'faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary! Lucy. Ay, Sir, a lady of her experience. Sir L. Experience! what, at seventeen? Lucy. O, true, Sir; but then she reads so, my stars! how she will read off hand! Sir L. 'Faith, she must be very deep read, to write this way; though she is rather an arbitrary writer, too-for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Christendom. However, when affection guides the pen, he must be a brute who finds fault with the style. Lucy. Ah, Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you! Sir L. Oh, tell her, I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain! but we must get the old gentlewoman's consent, and do every thing fairly. Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice! Sir L. Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action. If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money.] here's a little something to buy you a ribband; and meet me in the evening, and I will give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand, to put you in mind. [Kisses her. Lucy. O lud! Sir Lucius-I never seed such a gemman! my lady wont like you, if you're so impudent. Sir L. 'Faith she will, Lucy; that same pho; what's the name of it; modesty! is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked, so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty, my dear. Lucy. What, would you have me tell her a lie? Sir L. Ah then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. Sad news, Mr. Fag! A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proFag. What, Captain Absolute? Lucy. Even so, I overheard it all. Fag. Ha, ha, ha! very good, 'faith! Good bye, Lucy, I must away with this news. Lucy. Well, you may laugh, but it is true, I assure you. [Going.] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this. Fag. Oh, he'll be so disconsolate! Lucy. And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute. Fug. Never fear-never fear. Lucy. Be sure bid him keep up his spirits. Fag. We will-we will. [Exeunt severally. АСТ ІІІ. SCENE I.-The North Parade. Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Capt. A. "Tis just as Fag told me, indeed! -Whimsical enough, 'faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connexion with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters; however, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed; but, I can assure him, it is very sineere-So, so, here he comes-he looks plaguy gruff! [Steps aside. Enter SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. Sir A. No-I'll die sooner than forgive him! Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper-An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him-he's any body's son for me I never will see him more-nevernever-never-never. Capt. A. Now for a penitential face! [Aside. Sir A. I see an impudent scoundrel before me. Capt. A. A sincere penitent. I am come, Sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will. Sir A. What's that? Capt. A. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness and condescension to me. Sir A. Well, Sir? Capt. A. I have been likewise weighing and balancing, what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. Sir A. Well, puppy? Capt. A. Why, then, Sir, the result of my reflections is, a resolution to sacrifice every clination of my own to your satisfaction. Capt. A. Sir, I repeat it, if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, Sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind-now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and, though one eye may be very agreeable, yet, as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Sir A. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you are an anchorite! A vile, insenin-sible stock! You a soldier! you're a walking block, fit only to dust the company's regimentals on! Odds life, I've a great mind to marry the girl myself! Sir A. Why, now you talk sense, absolute sense; I never heard any thing more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again. Capt. 4. I am happy in the appellation. Sir 4. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented me telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture-prepare! What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? Capt. A. Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestshire? Capt. A. I am entirely at your disposal, Sir; if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or, if you should change your mind, and take the old lady,-'tis the same to me, I'll marry the niece. Sir A. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or-but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie, I'm sure it must-come, now, damn your demure face, come, confess, Jack, you have Sir A. Worcestershire! no. Did you never been lying-ha'n't you? You have been playmeet Mrs. Malaprop, and her niece, Missing the hypocrite, hey?-I'll never forgive Languish, who came into our country just be- you, if you ha'n't been lying and playing the fore you were last ordered to your regiment ? hypocrite. don't reCapt. A. Malaprop! Languish ! member ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay, I think I do recollect somethingLanguish-Languish-She squints, don't she? -A little red-haired girl? Sir A. Squints!-A red-haired girl! Zounds, no ! Capt. 4. Then I must have forgot; it ca'n't be the same person. Sir 4. Jack, Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? Capt. A. As to that, Sir, I am quite indifferent; if I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. Sir A. Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes, so innocently wild, so bashfully irresolute, not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips, smiling at their own discretion! and, if not smiling, more sweetly pouting-more lovely in sullenness! Then Jack, her neck! O, Jack, Jack! Capt. 4. And which is to be mine, Sir, the niece, or the aunt? Sir A. Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you. When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket. The aunt, indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched any thing old or ugly, to gain an empire. Capt. A. Not to please your father, Sir? Sir A. To please my father-Zounds! not to please-O, my father-Oddso!-Yes, yes; if my father, indeed, had desired-that's quite another matter- -Though he wasn't the indulgent father that I am, Jack. Capt. A. I dare say not, Sir. Capt. A. I'm sorry, Sir that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken. Sir A. Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you-come along, I'll never forgive you, if you don't come back, stark mad with rapture and impatience-if you don't, 'egad, I'll marry the girl myself. [Exeunt. SCENE II-JULIA's Dressing Room. Enter FAULKLAND. Faulk. They told me Julia would return directly: I wonder she is not yet come!-How mean does this captious, unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! What tender, honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met !-How delicate was the warmth of her expressions!-I was ashamed to appear less happy, though had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's presence prevented my proposed expostulations: yet I must be satisfied that she has not been so very happy in my absence. She is coming-Yes, I know the nimbleness of her tread, when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay. Enter JULIA. Jul. I had not hoped to see you again so soon. Faulk. Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome, restrained as we were, by the presence of a third person? Jul. Oh, Faulkland! when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not think that Sir A. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find I discovered something of coldness in your first your mistress is so beautiful! salutation. |